Pdoc on Tuesday, what do i say?

I have a plan with my T to ask my pdoc at Tuesday appt. to get on a certain cocktail of meds. Clozaril (anti-psych), Welbutrin XL (ad), Lamictal (ms) and effexor (for my ocd).

My head keeps saying NO! NO MEDS NO MEDS and quit taking the one med you are on.

It says if you are mentally ill, you need to suffer and experience the illness that god or satan or whatever gave you. And you probably arent mentally ill anyway--you are just a lazy faker who is too cowardly to get a job and support yourself.

So, what the hell am I supposed to say to my pdoc on Tuesday?

WRITE IT DOWN. You can do this. My pdoc is on Friday and I'm trying to figure out how to tell him his wonder drug just isn't working for me. Hi Berries<3 I miss you

Yeah Berries. Write it down. You're going to be okay. You just gotta stick to a program that works for you. I can't tell you if you're MI without your meds or not. But it seems like those around you do think you are and mine mostly think I'm not except for when I point out my manic periods as well as my periods of extreme depression. Then they go, "Oh, that's what bipolar is?" But they still don't want it to be true. I don't either.

Either my meds make me more depressed and anxious or else more manic (as i am now), but that's not to say the right combo and dosage isn't out there for me, because I was this way without meds, and not nearly as happy. I think I'm doing better, but need to talk to p-doc soon.

We're in this together. Don't let go of hope.

Sorry to be a dope but... write what down?

The lan I made with T OR that I am having intrusive thoughts all the time to not take meds, that I am lying and faking being MI and i should just suffer.

OR write down both?

If you're afraid you won't remember anything, just write it down. Write both down if necessary. I think Ama was referring to your ideal meds cocktail, but you need to let the doc know about your desire not to comply with taking your meds and ask his/her opinion about your mental status. If the doc says it couldn't possibly be made up and you need to take your meds to prevent relapse, listen to the doc!

I know I'm tempted to go off mine when I'm depressed or high.

Take care berries.

You could always ask to take the MMPI II if you don't believe you're bipolar. It'll tell you, generally, what's wrong based on 576 t/f questions. its awesome.

I've been "in the system" for 25 years. Pdocs have mostly said schizoaffective bipolar type. I've been psychtested, but not recently.

Actually I have taken the MMPI recently but then asked my T not to score it. I was afraid it would say I was mentally healthy and then I'd have to kill myself for faking it for 25 years and wasting all the resources I have had to manage my MI.

Some say just bipolar I with psychotic features.

I guess they are really similar.

The pdoc I have now thinks I am schizzoaffective bipolar type. My T just says I am mentally ill and need meds.

believe it. it works. you're nice. there's nothing wrong with being sick.

Unfortunately, it doesn't help when my pdoc says I am ill. My brain just shouts: She is just going off of what the pdoc before her said and that one is going off the one before her... and the first pdoc was wrong--i was just lying and faking to him cuz I'm a lazy coward...

I'm sick of it.

I doubt you could go off your meds without serious consequences. Even if you were fairly normal before taking it. But who would've got you on them if there was nothing wrong with you?

Even if you lied I think your mom would've told you your behavior was normal before but not after. Did she? Or did she see improvement over time?

I did go off my meds. Twice in the past year. It sucked. But I think my symptoms were probably only due to sudden withdrawal.

Right now I am only on seroquel and it is helping, but it just isn't cutting it, ya know?

She saw a vast improvement when i got on atypical ADs and Antipsychs. Before them the only thing that helped at all was ECT (shock treatments).

Well...if you had improvement, then something must've been wrong before treatment is all I'm saying.

If I don't know what I'm talking about just say so. I hope you'll continue your treatment but that is and always has been your choice. I don't want to see you get hurt though.

(((((amaviena)))))) & (((((thinker)))))

You have helped me so much this morning. Thank you.

Logically, it makes sense that I am chronically ill and need meds and treatment.

The voices in my head that argue with you and everyone else, are just there to torment me. I am hoping if I get on the right meds, they will leave me the **** alone!!!

((((((((((((((( Berries ))))))))))))))))

((((((((((((((Berries)))))))))))))))

I've been "in the system" for at least 25 years also.

I've seen and heard a lot of s*****.

I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I have, in all my wisdom, decided that I was feeling much better and I didn't need to take my meds anymore.

These decisions were soon followed by emergency visits to the pdoc to get back on meds.

I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I have heard other MI persons say that they were feeling much better and did not need to take meds anymore.

These decisions were soon followed by emergency visits to the pdoc to get back on meds.

Nowdays, I don't fight it anymore. I simply look back at 3 generations of family history and count the 5 suicides and my nephew who has Touretts, Bipolar I, ADD, and OCD; and my cousin who is schizophrenic. All of these suicides and illnesses are on my dad's side of the family.

I've got MI and alcoholism on both sides of my family too. Suicide attempts, etc. One who succeeded but it was an overdose of something illegal so no one knows if it was intentional or not. Some say it was murder but I doubt it...he was an addict, albeit a friendly one. Maybe he did just get some bad drugs.

Anywhose, it's def in the blood and once triggered only goes into remission with the right treatment plan. Sad but true.

I don't want to stop meds cuz I'm feeling better. I feel like ****ing ****. I want to stop meds cuz I think I might be faking it.
and me and my one uncle are the only ones with MI backgrounds--his very brief.
But I am hoping that if I can get the right meds in me, I won't have this voices in my head that say I am a faker and should suffer without meds.

I know a lot of my negative images ceased after this latest combo of meds, but they aren't gone completely and I still say things to myself that are pretty ugly. I think that's more something to work on in therapy. Positive reinforcement, etc.

It sounds lame, but it's true. If you feel better, it's easier to believe the therapist when he/she says to replace the negative thoughts w/positive ones. You fill out a list or something. All the negative things on the left and all the positive on the right. Whenever a neg one comes up you repeat the positive one on the opposite side. It works but only so long as you do it. I quit doing it a few years ago because I stopped believing there was anything good about me. Now I think I might be able to do it again. The more you say it, the more you believe it and can get out of the loop of thinking You're...whatever...eg. a lying faker.

Or try something else your therapist suggests for this chronic problem.

I think you should tell your p-doc and your T exactly what you wrote in your original post. There is no shame in taking meds and a major red flag of bipolar is the mind's canny ability to convince us that there is nothing wrong and that we should just snap out of it or be brave and be normal. It sounds like you need support from both your P-doc and your T to help you get through these thoughts.

Berries, I find that one of the things that makes it so hard for me to stay on the meds is that I have a hard time clearly remembering how I felt when I was under a mainic or a depresssive period. I remember what I did and I remember some of my reasoning but NOT the powerfull mood influences. I just sit wondering "Why the H!"# did I do something so idiotic? No way could I be so weak/stupid/ overemotional to do that, never again! All I have to do is toughen up." This makes it easy for the little voices to convince me either a) I really can control this and really don't need the drugs, or b) I must be some kind of unforgivable wuss to act this way, and since I should be able to handle it, ergo I am in control of what I do, ergo I am a horrible, sensationalist person, ergo any amount of suffering is justified.

Took me a long time to realise that this was both the mania and the depression trying to keep me as dysfunctional as possible. Berries, I don't know why we have this, why for example it was just me and my cousin in our generation, or why things have to be so hard. But I know this. You are a far stronger person than you think, otherwise you wouldn't still be here. You are worth precisely what every other person is worth and that is at the very least care and affection from yourself. This means that you are worth taking your meds.
I hope you feel better soon. Sorry for the rant.

Lonegal, you just reminded me of all the things I did in childhood that were out of a depressed emotion or else a hypomanic one. Now I don't feel so terrible. I mean, I did them, but I didn't know why I hurt so much most of the time.

I also wonder why I only have aunts who had depressive disorders and 1 cousin diagnosed bipolar. I figure there's another cousin and my brother who is (and prob a personality disorder too) but hasn't been dx'd. I also know that I have a grandfather who had shifting moods and a great grandfather who did as well (but also not dx'd so it feels like mine came out of no where). They were alternating charming and then cruel and drunk. I am a happy drunk, so not sure what that's about. I only drink too much when feeling great...but I'm trying not to do that this time.

Anywho, thanks for your post. It helps me understand and feel validated.

Berries, I'm not a professional, but this is my take on your 'voices' telling you to get off your meds.

I'm a firm follower of the theories of Arthur Janov, and he maintains that everyone carries around with them certain primal 'pains' or traumas which are usually in a state of repression. Drugs ( especially drugs used for MI) aid in this repression , holding the pain down. It doesn't cure, but helps you cope as you are temporarily numbed from feeling pain.

Your body's natural instinct is to heal. The process of healing emotional 'trapped' pain is through experiencing the repressed pain and releasing it. This is scary, and for those of us who have experienced much pain in our lives through abuse etc, can be dangerous leading to psychotic episodes if all the pain is allowed to bubble up all at once. Being on our own , alone with our thoughts allows our pain to bubble up and we start to feel anxiety as the pain surfaces. So we tend to keep our selves busy, keeping the pain quelled.

My feelings about your voices are that they are not at all insane, but you are sensitive to your bodies natural instinct to want you to feel ( and thus cleanse)yourself of repressed trauma. You are not faking your MI, but then again most of us experience MI at some point in our lives because we are all sentient beings and subject to feeling hurt.
So I say to you, be kind to yourself and maybe consider that those voices aren't actually the enemy, they may just be your friend, but a friend who is a little bit misinformed.

Do not stop taking your meds as it can be dangerous to do the cold turkey thing. But maybe consider some talking therapy in conjunction with your meds to allow some of your pain to surface safely.

I wish you strength in your journey to mental health.