I wish I was normal...

I'm so angry at the moment....for no apparent reason....AAAAHHHH! Just FNCK! What the hell is wrong with me? I'm so sick and tired of this sh|t! I just sleep or stare at this fncking idiot box. Won't the fairy godmother come and make it better?

Checking out has had fleeting presences but quickly gets squashed when I think of the consequences. IDK, I need to check in somewhere for a minute instead, I think.

I barely eat. I drink 2 cups of coffee a day (well night now, as I seem to have no REAL schedule.) I get angry at teenagers being stupid in a fncking internet GAME. WTF is up with that?

I think I'm way more broken than I want to accept.....and that just makes me angrier.

My depression is way worse than my mania. I think my life is worthless. There's nothing I have, or can do, that society needs or wants.

it's getting worse as time goes by...despair is the only word that can describe how I'm feeling now....I just can't pull myself out of this sh|thole that is my life...I have nothing that is going for me anymore...anyone that I love just leaves...or NEEDS to leave. I can't conduct myself in a manner in that is acceptable to ANYONE. I'm selfish. I could care less about anyone elses' feelings and it's quite apparent, by their actions, they can tell too.

I don't mean for these things to happen. They just do. I seem to have no control over my obsessions. In fact, they control me. I don't know who I am. Only who I think someone else wants me to be. Even still, whatever is telling me what others want me to be is totally wrong. Because, if it was right, then others wouldn't be so obsessed with figuring out how to get away from me.

I don't think that Jon or JJ or whoever the fnck I really am, can break through what this shell of myself will let me be. I don't know where I'm headed but I sure know where I've been and that road is full of potholes and wrong turns. I have NO direction in this life...........

What I want to do is so far out of grasp that I'll never attain the kind of happiness that seems to be reserved for the NORMAL people.

What kind of a test is life anyway? I've failed it, whatever it is. Can't some freak accident just administer the consequences of my actions? I'm too chicken sh|t to just end it. But, OH how I wish I could.

(((((((((((NOObinburg))))))))))))) I don't know, hon, where I am I don't see normal people being all that much happier, just morein control. They fake it just like everyone else. You know, checking out isn't much of an option. You know this is going to change. Do you have a pdoc to check in with? Are you sleeping enough? Can you try to choke down a wee bit more food, dear? I would willingly send you chicken soup if Ii could get this computer to take it through the scanner
Honestly, is there anyone IRL you can talk to or spend some time with so that you aren't completely alone and feeling like this? Hugs dear. I really am hoping this blows over sooner than later!

ugh noobinberg... i cal tell in what you write you're having a really rough time right now. I'm there myself but it sounds like in different ways. I am so sorry you feel like crap right now. Do you have plans for the holiday or can you make plans for the holiday? Sometime getting out of the house and just going for a walk can be helpful. I know it usually seems like a huge task to try to get up and do something but it really can help. Also, getting back on a normal schedule can be helpful. Laying off the coffee and drinking water or Gatorade or somthing without caffeine and a ton of sugar and setting an alarm for 3 times a day and eating something, even if it's just a piece of toast or a cup of soup or whatever. Also, I wasn't entirely clear if you're taking meds or not.... if you're prescribed them, make sure you're taking them regularly. YOu didn't mention drinking alcohol or doing drugs at all, but I would be avoiding both of those at all costs at this point.. makes things more unstable. If nothing is working and you're unsafe then call a crisis line or go to the hospital. It's not worth dying... you won't always feel this bad. Just try to think about that. One day at a time at this point.... hang in there... hope you get to feeling better soon.

Well, I'm prescribed Lithium and Mirtazapine, however, meds cost money...something of which I seem not to have after getting laid off from my job. It seems that unemployment insurance doesn't provide enough to pay the horrendous rent along with anything else here in Southern California. I tried a few avenues for free meds and the problem there is that I can't understand them and they can't understand me...there is a huge language barrier here. The English that most of them speak is so broken that I need a translator just to decipher their English....Can I get a Spanglish interpreter please? So, I went to the pdoc just the other day and got prescriptions for my meds and lab work....$100 worth of crap. How can I afford that on unemployment? I paid the $10 copay and that was it...What a waste, I could've saved that $10 for something valuable like cigarettes and coffee. So, it seems society is geared for either someone who can speak Spanish or one who makes just a little more money than I do.

No I don't regularly do drugs or drink...I do partake on occasion. I never drink more than 32oz of beer when I drink (about twice a month) and the only street drug I do is pot. Maybe 1 or 2 bowls (1 gram?) per week, if that. Not enough to show up on any drug screening that I've ever taken.

I am less angry and more sad today...is that better or worse? IDK.

Anger takes energy. the problem is that I personally think that the anger is better for you, but harder on everyone else, especially if the anger is sortof generalized and you can't find the proper focus for it. It could be that you don't have the energy right now to maintain the anger. Go easy on yourself. I know that the language situation in the southland is a real pain if you don't do spanish (we had an incident with our oldest son at a daycare where the only person who would talk to us about an accident was a 16 yr old illegal who couldn't speak English but wastrying to alert us to a possible concussion, Yikes!) Do you know anyone at all who can go with you who can at least understand?
I really hope that you can get that problem solves. Hang in there, and be kind to yourself, though it's hard to do when you feel like this. Huggs.

Sorry that you are going through all of this garbage. I know all too well about the cost of living in southern California. And the cost of meds and good doctors. Just make sure you have your meds before any other needs so you can get back to a balanced state. Hang in there through this tough time. You can do it.

It will help if you help yourself in little ways. Eat some fruit and cottage cheese. Protein and good whole foods help, and they don't have to be expensive. Take a LONG walk. It helps the mind and body work through the stress of depression and gets you away from the TV. Listen to music instead of watching TV. You'll still have base issues to deal with, but they won't be as intense.

Do all you can to find a way to stay on your meds, Contact doctors, your pharmacy, your local mental health association, search on online for the drug companies, anything! Somebody has got to have information for those with mental illnesses who can't afford their meds. Trying to survive without the right medication is next to impossible. If it were do-able that would mean we could all just will away our symptoms and we all know that this illness is not a matter of having the right attitude or giving enough effort. It is good that you are still talking about what is going on with you instead of clamming up like I tend to do. You are reaching out instead of giving up. Hang in there and keep talking.

god, i really feel for you, was in THATmood myself a few weeks ago. just felt like screaming and pulling hair out. I am unemployed too, trying to get disability-also have sle lupus- for almost 4 years, and havent been getting real treatment for the bipolar,anxiety,ocd like i need. Mental ILLNESS is expensive!!!!!!! the sh!tting insurance i have thru husbands job has seperate 1000 deductible for any psy. issues. Here there is a place called spectracare that is income based mental health care, but im on the list and must wait 3 months to speak to pdr., thru a tv meeting at the clinic!!! I dont know, its soo hard to get help,so expensive to take care of ourselves. i wish you the best, and let us know if you do find a way to recieve care, some type of program for you thru the state/gov. that will assist you, take care

Remember you are blessed maybe you don't understand it now but you will when the times right

Wow, it seems a lot of us are dealing with this. I'm unemployed, but luckily have insurance through hubby, even if it's crappy insurance. We can't afford my seeing a T once a week because the copay is so ridiculously high. It's very frustrating, because we're all trying to make ourselves better, and there seems to be nothing but roadblocks sometimes.

Pot can make people depressed and so numbed out that they can't think straight. The last thing I would want is something that numbs me out. I find taht journaling is helpful when I feel really down as well as feeling okay. It works for me. It feels good to get the bad stuff off my chest. I do feel better when it gets on paper. I usually go back once every week or so and read it. Can't believe I was so down. Everyone who has responded to your note has some good suggestions. How about when you are feeling betting, looking into something like job corps or something similar. I know it is such a leap to get up the energy to look for something like this. Through out my life I have been employed for long periods of time(up to a year). this was before diagnosis and psych meds. God, was it tough. I don't know hoe I got through it, but I did. and I hope you do too.

Noobinberg, how are you doing today?