[twelvebars]

Hi everyone, first post.

I was recently given a preliminary diagnosis of rapid cycling BPII. Over a month ago I was chugging along just fine, setting heaps of goals, doing lots of exercise, telling everyone how wonderful life is, feeling gr-gr-great! Then quite quickly I just sunk into the blackest of lows, having lots of intrusive suicidal thoughts and feeling incredibly angry all the time, not knowing whether to smash something to pieces or cry.. or both. Some family and friends noticed the rapid change and were concerned enough to ask me to speak to someone. I did and they immediately got me to see a psychiatrist in the 'crisis team'. He said something about a preliminary diagnosis of BPII with rapid cycling (my mother was there and gave a description of my regular cycles between feeling really happy and positive and then suddenly negative and gloomy). They put my on sodium valproate (I think it's depakote? in other countries).

It's only a prelim diagnosis but after reading other stories on these boards and researching it, it suddenly seems to make a lot of sense to me. This has also lead to a lot of grief and still struggling to accept that this is really happening to me. I stopped drinking (also a recovering alcoholic & drug addict) about 9 months ago and shortly after I went into a prolonged 'high' followed by this terrible crash. It's horrible sitting around over the holidays wondering what's going to happen next and avoiding people because I feel 'broken' or 'defective' in some way.

Anyway, just thought I'd stop lurking and say hi and share my story.

[fearfulfrog]

Originally Posted by twelvebars

Hi everyone, first post.

I was recently given a preliminary diagnosis of rapid cycling BPII. Over a month ago I was chugging along just fine, setting heaps of goals, doing lots of exercise, telling everyone how wonderful life is, feeling gr-gr-great! Then quite quickly I just sunk into the blackest of lows, having lots of intrusive suicidal thoughts and feeling incredibly angry all the time, not knowing whether to smash something to pieces or cry.. or both. Some family and friends noticed the rapid change and were concerned enough to ask me to speak to someone. I did and they immediately got me to see a psychiatrist in the 'crisis team'. He said something about a preliminary diagnosis of BPII with rapid cycling (my mother was there and gave a description of my regular cycles between feeling really happy and positive and then suddenly negative and gloomy). They put my on sodium valproate (I think it's depakote? in other countries).

It's only a prelim diagnosis but after reading other stories on these boards and researching it, it suddenly seems to make a lot of sense to me. This has also lead to a lot of grief and still struggling to accept that this is really happening to me. I stopped drinking (also a recovering alcoholic & drug addict) about 9 months ago and shortly after I went into a prolonged 'high' followed by this terrible crash. It's horrible sitting around over the holidays wondering what's going to happen next and avoiding people because I feel 'broken' or 'defective' in some way.

Anyway, just thought I'd stop lurking and say hi and share my story.

Welcome! I just was Dx'd with BPII. It seems that I only got help when I was depressed so it wasn't caught earlier. I spent most of my time in hypomanic- I was a great employee! I went into the depression on the weekends (no so great as a wife). Once I started to look at it I saw my pattern. When my big depression hit and held a few year ago I was put on everything- but because I was also drinking again and misusing the meds, I didn't get better. Before my breakdown I had 16 clean and sober years. I now have 15 months, have been stable on my meds for 9 months. My t reminds me now to get caught up on the diagnosis, it serves well to find out more about it, but the treatment is to focus on the symptoms- feeling sad- cry; feeling hurtful to self- reach out to someone, don't isolate; feeling productive- be creative, clean, dress up and volunteer; feeling like risk taking- find an arcade (better than gaming @ home-safety net). When I feel 'even' is when I find new outlets to utilize when I feel up or down. The diagnosis isn't a death sentence, its just a way to find help. Keep posting, keep reading.

[VickiesPath]

I'm kinda the opposite of you, twelvebars. I was living a life that was pure hell because I knew for thirty years that there was something not right with me but no one could tell me what it was. Then, I was misdiagnosed with major depression. I took meds for that over and over and over and when the SSRI's like Prozac came out, wooah......if you take SSRI's for BPII without the mood stabilizer (Depakote) it only makes the hypomania worse. So I did that roller coaster for 19 years.

In 2004, I was finally correctly diagnosed. My life changed dramatically. I was so relieved, I cried and cried. Depakote ER, now I also take a small dose of Topamax (topiramate), Zoloft (sertraline) and Effexor ER (an SSNRI). No more swings. Sometimes the depression gets deep, depending on circumstances so we have to adjust for that.

Getting a heavy-duty diagnosis like bipolar II can be really scarey, I know. Especially since most "mental illnesses" have a stigma attached to them that make you "crazy" or unstable or whatever. Believe me, I understand.

Oh, and I can identify with the overdrinking thing, too. Before my diagnosis, I quit drinking and attended AA for nine years. The drinking made it possible for me to function when I was hypomanic. But it didn't help the depression any. It just became a problem.

Anyway, welcome to PsychCentral, and I hope that you find lots of support and encouragement here. You can always PM me if you like.

[twelvebars]

VickiesPath: I'm kinda the opposite of you, twelvebars. I was living a life that was pure hell because I knew for thirty years that there was something not right with me but no one could tell me what it was.

I didn't explain everything in my first post because I didn't want to write a novel, but the last 10 years has been like this for me. I was hospitalized at 17 for several suicide attempts. When I look back, I was hypomanic/mixed and I believe this was directly related to me being given Prozac for depression. The pdoc in hospital said given my family history (dad has BPI) that my GP prescribing me Prozac was a big mistake. I was diagnosed then as having Major Depression as well as adjustment reaction disorder. I never had much faith in this.

I got out of hospital eventually and stopped taking the anti-depressants they gave me (something other then prozac) because they made me feel horrible. The next ten years of my life was a rocky path of on-again-off-again academic pursuits (I got everything from an A+ to an F at college, depending on my mood levels). The thing that I find gets really affected by my swings is my level of optimism and goal setting. I also went through hypomanic spells of booze/drug binges, doing impulsive and dangerous things, sexual indiscretions etc often followed by really bad lows. This has been going on steadily for a decade. When I said before I was chugging along fine, I was meaning a period of about 3 months. In general my whole adult life has been a struggle.

I feel like I finally know why now, and looking back it's suddenly become quite obvious to me why I always had such problems with drugs, alcohol, relationships, maintaining friendships, risk taking, not being to hang onto money etc.

Sorry I end up writing these huge posts, but I've found it fascinating reading this forum and discovering there's other people like me who've fought the same battles.

[Texan_mom_2_5]

Wow, I guess I'm not the only one who feels like you do right now! I was officially dx with BP about 3 years ago, when the oldest of my five boys was graduating highschool. I have done the whole self-medicating thing and denial and self-blame and, and, and. You are not broken or defective, you are just who you are! There are gifts to be found when you accept your difference. I have known most of my adult life that something was wrong, but because my mother was a self-medicating BP and abusive, I felt like if someone dx me as BP, then I WOULD end up like my mother. I too had a very difficult time with the dx.

I get frustrated with the meds and med changes. I just happen to be BP w/ Major Depressive Disorder and BPD. I have been treated for depression since I was 15, but no one took the time to look at what was going on at home. If someone had intervened long ago- well, I don't know. Maybe I would be a little ahead of the game now. Instead, I'm 43 and just now learning what this is all about.

Don't give up on your treatments or counseling. If something does not work, then by gosh TELL YOUR DOC! There is too many options to just settle for whatever your doc has had the best luck with. Not everyone can take the same thing or combination of things. Keep posting, keep learning, keep going!

[VickiesPath]

Those are probably the most important three words in treating this illness:

Don't give up.

On top of all the stuff that occurred which I described above, I had already been working on issues from growing up as a child of two alcoholic parents, in addition to being bipolar. I started studying the ACOA stuff a long time ago and until recently believed I had most all of my challenged covered.

Then, at the oddest, most unexpected time, an issue popped up out of the clear blue (I kid you not) which created great difficulty for me. I was doing a small bit of research and discovered that I most likely had bipolar illness as a child. Now, the characteristics of bipolar children are not pretty, as they frequently throw tantrums, defy authority, are extremely difficult to discipline, are even often very bright and difficult to reason with. They often show signs of separation anxiety far beyond the age that is normal for an older, more socialized child.

With these types of behavior problems and the strict, disciplinary style my mother had, our confrontations frequently came to very deep spankings that excalated into beatings when my siblings weren't around. All these beatings did was create fear and horror in me and kill any chance of trust I had in my mother, the woman who was raising me. I know that she was overwhelmed and did not know what else to do with me.

But I was finally able to learn where those horrible feelings of not being wanted and not belonging came from that those pans had for mel.

Take care and be so careful!

[VickiesPath]

Not sure what happened to that post but anyway, am successfully dealing with the abuse issues and the PTSD, have forgiven and am moving on successfully with my life. It can be hard but I was not going to let bipolar win.

Once again, don't give up.

[zoombug]

I'm not sure what to say, this is my first time on a Forum. I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 with mixed and rapid cycling episodes last Tuesday. i haven't stopped crying in over a month. I only discovered I am bipolar after ruining my marriage and my family in an Extreme hypersexual Manic Episode. He left me and the kids yesturday. We have been best friends since we were 15, and I killed him with my affair. I feel like my heart should just stop beating any second because it's so broken. It took me a week to come down from being Manic and realize what I had done. I don't understand how I can live my life for almost 40 years and in one month so quickly turn into someone I don't even know, someone I hate! almost 20 years of marriage and our two kids lives ruined in the span of one month.

[VickiesPath]

Originally Posted by zoombug

I'm not sure what to say, this is my first time on a Forum. I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 with mixed and rapid cycling episodes last Tuesday. i haven't stopped crying in over a month. I only discovered I am bipolar after ruining my marriage and my family in an Extreme hypersexual Manic Episode. He left me and the kids yesturday. We have been best friends since we were 15, and I killed him with my affair. I feel like my heart should just stop beating any second because it's so broken. It took me a week to come down from being Manic and realize what I had done. I don't understand how I can live my life for almost 40 years and in one month so quickly turn into someone I don't even know, someone I hate! almost 20 years of marriage and our two kids lives ruined in the span of one month.

(((((( Zoombug )))))))

Again: Don't give up.

If your husband left only yesterday, there might still be hope to save your marriage. Mania can cause so much damage in people's lives before being diagnosed and treated. You are ill. It was not the normal you doing what you did. You are at the beginning of treatment for this illness. There is much to learn and much healing to go through. Don't stop talking to your husband. Talk to your kids. There are programs for the families of people who suffer from Bipolar illness to help them understand it. It is one of the most difficult mental illnesses to treat but it does not have to destroy your life. Get your family involved in learning as much as they can.

Try not to beat yourself up too badly. I know the shock of what has happened is devastating. But to continue to beat yourself up will not help your recovery. Work with your psychiatrist and a therapist and also, keep posting here because there are a lot of us here who will support you while you work through this.

Hugs.

[fearfulfrog]

Originally Posted by zoombug

I'm not sure what to say, this is my first time on a Forum. I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 with mixed and rapid cycling episodes last Tuesday. i haven't stopped crying in over a month. I only discovered I am bipolar after ruining my marriage and my family in an Extreme hypersexual Manic Episode. He left me and the kids yesturday. We have been best friends since we were 15, and I killed him with my affair. I feel like my heart should just stop beating any second because it's so broken. It took me a week to come down from being Manic and realize what I had done. I don't understand how I can live my life for almost 40 years and in one month so quickly turn into someone I don't even know, someone I hate! almost 20 years of marriage and our two kids lives ruined in the span of one month.

Please get your husband to talk with your treatment providers- they can help him understand what happened- with a long standing friendship, marriage and kids, there has to be lots of strings connecting you both. He may need time to process and regroup, but keep reaching out and let him know you want to have him back and need him to help you work through all this. My husband was great through my mess for the past three years, but my family didn't understand and took my son away- I tell him every chance I get how much I want him back and love him. Never give up the hope of restoring your family.

[kasc]

Originally Posted by VickiesPath

(((((( Zoombug )))))))

Again: Don't give up.

If your husband left only yesterday, there might still be hope to save your marriage. Mania can cause so much damage in people's lives before being diagnosed and treated. You are ill. It was not the normal you doing what you did. You are at the beginning of treatment for this illness. There is much to learn and much healing to go through. Don't stop talking to your husband. Talk to your kids. There are programs for the families of people who suffer from Bipolar illness to help them understand it. It is one of the most difficult mental illnesses to treat but it does not have to destroy your life. Get your family involved in learning as much as they can.

Try not to beat yourself up too badly. I know the shock of what has happened is devastating. But to continue to beat yourself up will not help your recovery. Work with your psychiatrist and a therapist and also, keep posting here because there are a lot of us here who will support you while you work through this.

Hugs.

Vickie??

Thank you for this, my son is struggling hard, and as a byproduct, so am I!
This is such a hopeful and informative reply to this person in need, I want to hug you!

Thank you, thank you, thank you...

[lonegael]

((((((Zoombug)))))) Frearfulfrog had a very good practical point: have your husband or exhusband or what he might be talk to your care providers. Often it helps if a professional delivers the message because it's hard for an injured family member to take it from the person who hurt them, intentional or not. Bless you, I hope that all the others years of your marriage count for something, because that certainly doens't sound like you tend to do thus type of thing. Hang in there , dear. Will be thinking about you.