[BNLsMOM]

I ended up going upstairs and getting away from my family. I am just getting so angry. It has been building over the last week. My oldest son has trouble focusing and I am having a hard time going over the same stuff every single day to get him settled. He ends up crying every day and homework that is supposed to take 20 minutes takes several hours. It doesn't matter how much he has. If he has two pages of math, it takes several hours. If he has two pages of math and four pages of reading comp, it takes several hours because of all the time to settle him down.

He is in therapy so that he can learn skills to calm down. his T shares the exercises with me so that we can use them at home.
He is just getting worse, and I am big time TRIGGERED today because of it.

I am hiding in my bedroom and told my husband that my day is over and he can take care of the kids for the rest of the day. We don't have a school break until March, so there is no break in sight for the next several weeks.

If I were to get very sick or very hurt right now, I would welcome it as a release from all this anger and irritability I am feeling. I don't have the guts to do it myself, but I kind of wish I did.

[gravyyy]

Ugh... sorry you're going through this BLN.. Hang in there. Bravo for recognizing your limit and taking a time-out for the rest of the night. That's really huge to be able to do that so take a second and give yourself a little credit for stepping away. It wouldn't help you or your family if you were so frustrated that you and your son were BOTH decompensating. Tomorrow is a new day and hopefully you'll feel better able to tackle it because you are taking care of youself tonight. Sit back, watch some TV, have some cocoa, or go to sleep... whatever you do to unwind and relax. Hope you feel better in the morning. Please stay safe.

[BNLsMOM]

I'm cooler now, and it sounds like everyone is having fun downstairs. I think I'll join them for dinner. Thanks for responding.

[jennaorgana]

(((((((BNL))))) always tons of hugs from me.

good for joining them for sinner!! thats really good

[BNLsMOM]

Trigger Below


OK never mind. I just called my T because I was in the kitchen getting bread and when I took out the bread knife, I turned my arm wrist side up and held the knife over my arm. I didn't do anything, and within a few seconds I turned my arm over again and cut the bread.

We are going to talk more in depth about what is going on and I will likely call my p-doc to see if I need a med change or some more Lithium or something.

[perpetuallysad]

Hey BNLsMOM, did you say your son was 8 or 9? My son is 8 (will be 9 in March) and he has some problems with his ability to cope with pressure. I never know from one minute to the next if he's going to be happy or upset. He's a really, really good boy, but its like any amount of pressure and he cracks. He generally has very good behavior, he doesn't get in trouble at school, he makes good grades and is in the gifted program. Sometimes I wonder if that stuff alone isn't what makes him feel pressured, like he has to live up to a standard that he's set for himself. Me and his dad are really gentle with him and never fuss if he doesn't get a perfect grade, but HE will have a serious break down (crying, calling himself names, sometimes even hitting himself) for minor mistakes (say 2 or 3 points off). We have told him for the past 4 years of school that all we want is for him to do his best and that doesn't mean he always has to have a 100 on everything. Anyway, his fear of pressure really manifests itself when they have to do standardized testing at school. Of course these tests are timed and that completely sends him over the edge. He usually has to be removed from the room because he will cry so hard and get so frustrated and stressed because there are time limits on everything. The sad thing is that he's honestly one of the top students in his grade, but he worries about not doing things so much that he ends up not doing them. (Does that make sense?) He's never had a single incident of trouble at school other than being too hard on himself for mistakes. He's the same way at home. If he messes up one answer on homework he's very likely to cry and spend a lot of time being upset before he can go on (usually this is when he will call himself names, etc.). Anyhow, sorry this is so long, I really do have a point. I think that the school puts entirely too much pressure on the children to do well on these standardized tests. I mean they make a huge HUGE deal out of it. They even start doing practice test in the 1st grade, even thought the "real" tests aren't started until the 3rd grade (which he's in this year). I have quite sincerely considered homeschooling him to help him get away from the unnecessary pressure they pile on him. Sadly, because he is a top student he's expected to do the best on these tests and they make a big deal out of him not doing well. I KNOW this is because him doing well helps to bring up the overall average scores. And I know this stuff because I taught in this district at the k-2nd for 2 years. The amount of pressure from the administration on the teachers about the tests is insane, and the teachers have no choice (they feel) but to put that same pressure on the students. In fact, one of the big reasons I left teaching was because I wasn't willing to force a lot of things they expected me to on my kids. Anyway, here's my point finally: are they doing something like this to your son at his school? Is there something happening during the day that he bottles up until he gets home (that's what my son usually does) and then lets it out when he's safe with you?

I don't know, sorry that was a ludicrously long response. I hope he gets through this. We are struggling to do the best for our son and honestly don't know what to do at this point.

(this is all a public school, by the way-if that makes any difference.)

[Nudyinae]

Sometimes you do just need to get away.

You have work, husband and kids pulling you different ways and then you have your emotions all over the place not knowing how you're going to feel from one day to the next.

It does all get overwhelming... you're not alone

many hugs

[gravyyy]

Maybe it was just bad timing BNL. Maybe you weren't totally destressed and the knife just super triggered you at that second.

I'm glad you called T though. I also think it's a good idea to check in with pdoc just in case. Maybe he/she will just want to check your levels or something.

Hope everything works out. Hang in there.

[perpetuallysad]

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to take away from the fact that you are having a hard time and only talk about your son. I did that because my son triggers me big time too and I have to work really hard to be kind and understanding when I really just want to scream and run away (if I can, I usually cannot ).

I don't want you to be in this bad place and I hope your T can help you tomorrow.

[BNLsMOM]

My son just turned 8. His school is a very supportive environment. It is a private school run by good friends of my husband. They have my son in their learning center three times each week and try to help him succeed. He is a totally different kid at school, but he works so hard that I think he is just burned out by the time he gets home. He does have a hard time at school doing his class work during quiet time and so that work has to come home.

I am honestly ready to take him out of school and let him watch SpongeBob all day. That seems to be the only time he is happy lately.

I am trying so hard to hold it together.

I got my blood drawn Saturday for my Lithium level. I'll ask what it was if and when I call. I see her a week from tomorrow anyway.

[perpetuallysad]

I'm glad he's in a supportive environment at school. That is really lucky for him!

I can understand the burnout thing, I think my son goes through that too. I swear school was not as hard when I was his age, but maybe that's just my memory (which is sketchy at best) playing tricks on me.

I hope that your visit tomorrow is a good one for you.

[daisychic]

Sorry to hear youre having a rough time today. I tell my kids sometimes mom needs a timeout and they look at me like what....like I have just lost it. Sometimes I wish I could go check myself into the hospital like my son. A few days away in the psych hall would be just lovely for me versus the experiment in hell that I call my house sometimes. Hang in there it shall pass.

As far as your son, you know several years ago I started letting his teachers know, we would not be doing homework. We have bigger fish to fry. If they cant get the work done all day at school I am not spending hours fighting with him to get nothing accomplished but him having a meltdown. Its not worth it.

Again, hang in there. Hope you feel better soon.

[BNLsMOM]

I fought all sorts of nasty thoughts last night while I was falling asleep. That seems to be the time of day where I am least in control of what I am thinking.

I feel better today, but I am in my p.j.'s and just watching TV, which is what my T and I are trying to change.

I thought I wasn't depressed any more, but I am coming to the conclusion that I am in a mixed state again. I really need meds that work.

ETA: I just put the little one in for a nap and I had this impulse to go to the kitchen and just feel that knife on my arm. I didn't do it. Right now I am afraid to go in eventhough I need to warm up my coffee. (decaf)

WTF!!!??

[lynn P.]

So sorry you're feeling bad ((BNLsMOM)). I agree with everyone's advice - I think you're very over whelmed and you seem to be on top of making sure your meds are right. I think your thoughts are fleeting thoughts as opposed to real intentions(I hope). Make sure you tell your therapist. Do you have any symptoms of OCD? Just remember they're only thoughts and not real desires. Don't be alarmed and just let it come and they will go away. Of course you know, you should call someone if you feel in danger.

Regarding your son - what does the school say is his learning problem? Have you heard about fish oil supplements which are good for kids who have ADD - but it also good for anyone and can help with concentration. You did the right thing in taking a break and it's very important that you tend to your own needs and not just your childrens. I hope you feel better soon. Try and take some slow deep breaths.

[BNLsMOM]

Originally Posted by lynn P.

So sorry you're feeling bad ((BNLsMOM)). I agree with everyone's advice - I think you're very over whelmed and you seem to be on top of making sure your meds are right. I think your thoughts are fleeting thoughts as opposed to real intentions(I hope). Make sure you tell your therapist. Do you have any symptoms of OCD? Just remember they're only thoughts and not real desires. Don't be alarmed and just let it come and they will go away. Of course you know, you should call someone if you feel in danger.

Regarding your son - what does the school say is his learning problem? Have you heard about fish oil supplements which are good for kids who have ADD - but it also good for anyone and can help with concentration. You did the right thing in taking a break and it's very important that you tend to your own needs and not just your childrens. I hope you feel better soon. Try and take some slow deep breaths.

Not sure about OCD, but these thoughts are intrusive, for sure.

As for my son, He has ADHD, inattentive type, possible dyslexia, and has a developmental delay call Retained Assymetrical Tonic Neck Reflex. He is in therapy and in Occupational therapy. I don't know about fish oil for him because he can't swallow a pill yet.

TRIGGER BELOW

I ended up going in to the kitchen to warm up my coffee and I did lay the knife on my wrist and wondered how much pressure it would take to cut through.

I journaled about it and I promised yesterday that I would show my journal to my T at our appointment Saturday.

[lynn P.]

Sorry you're having troubled thoughts. Do you feel you're unsafe? The important thing to remember is you don't need to listen or act out your thoughts. I think your mind is trying to get you upset, so counter it with not reacting - recognise they're there and take some deep breaths. It very important when you have thoughts like this -to wait and be patient because they will go away and you'll end up feeling better. I have a good link if you would like me to give it to you I can leave it here or PM you. It must be very hard dealing with your own illness and with your son's learning disability. I think the fish oil comes in a liquid form for kids as well. I sure hope you feel better soon.

[BNLsMOM]

I would like to see the link, thanks.

I don't think I am in danger, because I can think through all the way to the embarassment of doing something stupid. I keep putting that image in my mind and the feeling I would have if I did anything. I am already embarrassed by the thoughts even though I can't help it.

I was reading a little about OCD just now and I wonder if I do have the obsessive thoughts. It would make sanse that they would increase because my p-doc cut my dose of Prozac in half because I was becoming irritable and she didn't want me to go into a mixed episode of bipolar.

I am starting to think I am untreatable.

[lynn P.]

I am starting to think I am untreatable.

Please don't feel discouraged (((BNLsMOM)). I'm glad you recognise they're just annoying thoughts and you don't want to act on them. The link I was going to give was, a crisis link for people who are very down or suicidal. I don't think you re are suicidal - so good to know that. The key to these intrusive thoughts is the 'recognition' they are 'just thoughts' - harmless - nasty thoughts. It's kind like having little evil person on your shoulder that says nasty things, when we're feeling vulnerable. When you realize these are really harmless, this might calm them down. You might also need a medication adjustment. If you ever do need the link please PM me - I don't think you need it now. Please take good care of yourself.

[BNLsMOM]

Thank you.

[lonegael]

No, dear, don't think of your self as untreatable. it took years to find a combination that worked for me, and that may have been possible after a new version of an old drug came on the market. After all, you stopped yourself from actually hurting yourself and journaled it. Something is working, just maybe not fast enough.
Special needs kids are hard to deal with, no matter how sweet or happy or clever they are. We are, I think, hardwired to expect them to achieve certain milestones at certain times, and our instinctive response when they don't is impatience and iritation. If these emotions trigger you, then it is very difficult.
Have you told hubby how you are feeling? Can you ask him to handle the kitchen for you until you feel safer? I'm less afraid of you hurting yourself because of being down and more so out of impluse right now. Huggs, and I wish I could come and distract you, I don't know, by dancing like my cat or something.

[lynn P.]

How are you feeling today ((BLNsMOM))?

[BNLsMOM]

I am feeling better so far. I have been able to distract myself with TV.

BNLsMOM.... I've been thinking about you a lot since you started this thread. The whole first paragraph was sooooo very familiar. Those days triggered the heck out of me, and not having handled it at all well, I had no useful advice. But I did want you to know that you are not alone in that and that you are in my thoughts. Sooo glad you are feeling better today, and wishing you many more good days. Not an easy thing to deal with... keep us posted, ok?

[jennaorgana]

im here for you!! BNL

[BashfullOne]

You've been in my thoughts and prayers. So glad to hear that you were doing better. Please keep posting. Have you thought about keeping a journal? I know that helps me a lot. You're a storng woman, you've shown that in your postings.

My oldest son had problems concintrating on his home work and it would take us hours also to complete simple homework tasks. Finally I found a tutor that would help him after school - it was a retired school teacher and she worked miracles with my son. He just needed to work one on one with someone other than his mom, and his grades picked up.

He has turned into one of the smartest people I know! He learns faster than the normal kids did and got bored when he finish his work in the class room, his mind would drift because he was so bored. He has a photographic memory... At that time we had no idea that he was just smarter than everyone in his class... A tutor may of help to you and your son. Just a thought...