[upperbaboonistan]

This message board is a little bit new for me. I hope I don't post something wrong or make someone mad. I am a very private person and I don't feel comfortable talking about the fact that I am bipolar.

I'm embarrassed, especially when people talk down about it, calling anyone who is acting psychotically or aggressively "bipolar." I feel like if people knew I was bipolar, they would not respect me or trust me, and they would lump me in with the other "psychos." I try really hard to act normal all of the time, and it's exhausting.

My family is very distinguished, and they see mental illness as a weakness that needs to be overcome. This increases my feelings of embarrassment, as if I'm too weak to overcome this problem. They excuse my erratic behavior because I'm the "arty" one in the family. Sometimes they say it's in my blood because my grandfather went insane towards the end of his life. I think they are trying to be kind to me and tell me it's not my fault I am the way I am, but it just makes me feel worse and more out of control.

I was diagnosed with ADD as a preteen, and took Ritalin throughout my teenage years. It made me aggressive and filled with rage. When I got to college, I didn't take the meds anymore, and dealt with feelings of mania by going out and getting trashed. Then I would take pills to come down, which made me depressed. My mother took me to a family friend/doctor who prescribed anti-depressants without even seeing me first. Those caused me to spin out of control. I swung between irrational rage and explosive bouts of partying and crippling depression. I would just disappear for days and end up somewhere on the opposite side of the country with people I barely knew.

In my early twenties, I went to a doctor who diagnosed me with bipolar disorder. He prescribed lithium and also twice weekly trips to the psychiatrist. My insurance stopped covering the psychiatrist, and my doctor - also bipolar - flipped out and ended up living on the streets. Needless to say, I was stranded with no doctor and no psychiatrist. I have not been back to either since. I am now 30.

My husband doesn't really believe in mental illness. He sides with my family and says I should just try harder to overcome it. Other than that, he doesn't want to talk about it. Because of that, for the past few years, I have tried to manage on my own. I try to exercise and keep my sleep patterns stable. I try not to drink or do drugs. I have a few close friends, but I really don't talk about my personal feelings or thoughts, even to my friends. Sometimes I go off the rails, but usually I can manage my bipolar disorder.

Lately, I have been feeling really bad. I can't sleep, I have butterflies in my stomach all of the time, and a feeling of sinking, crushing guilt for just existing the way that I am. Sometimes when I'm talking to other people, I start saying stuff that doesn't make any sense. I think about just fading away, and plan out how I will go without bothering anyone. I am not usually a cryer, but I sometimes cry for no reason. I have been spending a lot of money, and the amount of debt is making me feel even more anxious, and then I hate everything I bought. I want to embrace the feeling of nothingness that comes with being really high. Then, I immediately feel guilty for having those thoughts. I feel like everyone is out for himself, even my own husband and family. I know that's cliched.

I haven't really felt quite this bad before. I don't know what to do. Most of the doctors in town are friends with my family or know me socially, and I am embarrassed for them to find out about my bipolar disorder. I can't talk to anyone about it. I am afraid that taking medication - like Lithium - will hurt my career. I know that all sounds silly, but maybe some of you have come through the other side of something similar?

[perpetuallysad]

Well, I don't broadcast to the general public that I am bipolar, but I do have a psychiatrist. If you cannot trust a doctor in your town, perhaps you could go to a nearby town? I cannot say that I am embarrassed that I am bipolar, but I do not generally tell people because they have a very skewed idea of what bipolar is and really mental illness in general. I am not at a place where I can go around educating everyone I tell, so I just don't tell anyone. That being said, I don't go out much. I'm at a place where I don't leave my house more than absolutely necessary. But even my sister doesn't know what my diagnosis is, just that I take meds and I see a psychiatrist (pdoc). The first major thing you are going to have to figure out is how to get to where you are not so much concerned about what your doctor may think of you but how he can help you. I'm impressed you've done so well for so long without meds. Its very hard to control bipolar with any medication, so you've done a good thing so far. I wouldn't recommend trying to go on forever with out meds though.

[beautifuldisaster78]

I have a similar fear. I'm afraid people will find out I'm bipolar. Mostly because of my job. I'm a newly graduated RN and work in a psych hospital! Most the time, I feel like I belong on the other side of the desk... I've been there before. And the stress of being an RN is way more than I bargained for. I really feel about to go off the deep end most of the time.

Anyway, I've struggled as well with wondering if it was just something I should be able to control. My family beleives it is. "Just get over it." I hear. But knowing what I do about the chemicals in the brain and their workings together, there is no "just getting over it." It's a condition. You wouldn't tell someone with cancer to "just get over it." and though people don't understand it today, you can't just get over a real mental illness either.

There's things you can do to help control the symptoms... cut out alcohol, learn coping skills, relaxation, sleeping well, etc... but it's there, inherintly, and if all the dealing with the symptoms doesn't work for you, then you need to try to get on some medications. Seriously, doctors are bound by HIPPA- a privacy act. They can lose their license if they tell anyone that you are even being seen by them. But if you still feel uncomfortable, maybe another town close by?

hope some of this helps.

[upperbaboonistan]

I definitely feel better today. Everything is better in the morning, I think. I am glad I found this board because just reading through makes me feel not so lonely. I am focused on other things outside of myself today, which is usually what helps me to overcome the bad feelings.

I don't trust people not to pass judgement on me as a person and reduce me to a condition with a stereotyped set of expected behaviors. And honestly (why is it easier to be honest in the morning?), it's really just a big excuse. I am trying to reason why I can't go to the doctor and have him/her tell me that something is wrong with me that I can't control, that I need medication for. I don't want the medication, but I am trying to get past that. It's like a cancer patient who is pretending not to have cancer because she thinks that if she ignores it, she'll get better. Estupido, as my Brazilian boss would say.

I think a lot of people don't think that bipolar people can lead healthy, stable lives, and trying to prove them wrong while also trying to be "normal" is very exhausting. Especially in your line of work bd78 so kudos to you. I agree that people don't understand mental illness. I think it's because of how it is portrayed in the media, and the fact that there's a certain amount of stigma attached that makes people embarrassed or afraid to educate others. I don't see any ribbons for bipolar awareness, for example (although maybe it is I who is not educated enough on it). I don't want to let my coworkers know that I am bipolar because then every time there's the slightest problem, they'll write it off as me being bipolar and I'll lose all credibility. Then, on the other hand, the media has glorified it to a certain extent, which means that the behaviors are adopted by people for attention, which then impacts people like me who really need help because I don't want it to seem like I am one of those people just looking for attention. I worry a lot about what people think - way more than I should. That's a personality flaw that I have to overcome if I really want to get help, but so far haven't been able to.

Anyway, thanks to both of you for responding. I think more than anything it's good to have a place to talk where people understand.

[gravyyy]

I understand your point, Upper, about wanting to prove you can function in normal life. I feel that way all the time. WHen I graduated nursing school I tried so hard to keep everything together without having to tell anyone what was going on but it eventually blew up in my face. I am on medication at this point but still working full time and am involved in other community activities. Just because you're taking medication doesn't make you any less worthy of a person. It doesn't mean you are weak or anything like that. WHen you have a headache you take Tylenol. Well, I have mood swings so I take lithium. It is what it is and like you said, it takes soooo much effort to pretend to be "normal." I pretend to be normal a lot of times while on the medication because I haven't found something that works great yet.

It's not worth it to continue down the road you're on. You will eventually run out of evergy to play the game and it will blow up in your face like it did for me. I see it all the time. My family doesn't understand it so I don't talk about it with them. I also picked a therapist and psychiatrist who are about 30 minutes outside of town so I wouldn't run into anyone I knew going in for an appt. Whatever you decide to do (I root for going to get help but it's obviously your choice) I wish you the best. The symptoms can be dreadful and I give you credit for reaching out through this forum for support.

To BeautifulDisaster.... congrats on becoming an RN! Way to go. As much as I wanted to work in psych because of what's going on with me personally, I realized that it would be too much of a trigger. When I see people acting the way I feel I want to join in! It's hard to suppress the feelings all the time. Just a thought that if it's too much for you, maybe you could try a different area of nursing then come back to psych later.... you know there are always psych nursing jobs!!!

[Anneinside]

It is so difficult to deal with the stigma of mental illness in the workplace. I am sure it contributed to me having to leave work behind. My meds help and I am stable most of the time. But, I always (almost) take my medications as directed. I see my pdoc every one or two months and right now I see her every 3 weeks for ECT. I also can't stress enough how important it is to have a therapist/psychologist to talk to on a regular basis. They can help you find ways to deal with issues as they arise.

[upperbaboonistan]

The common denominator of all your advice seems to be to at least get professional help, so I am going to take your advice and try again. So, in the absence of my doctor, who is still MIA going on half a decade, do I need some kind of doctor's recommendation to see the pdoc? Or can I just make an appointment myself?

[missmoonshine]

There is definitely nothing to be embarrassed about, this an illness and a treatable one. You need to get in touch with a Doc that you can trust 100% as this is your life and you deserve the best. I am an RN and if any of my collegues found out about my bipolar and the rage I have within me and the suicidal thoughts thay would probably not believe it-they dont need to know. My boss knows as I had to tell him so I could get off doing night shift. No sleep for me =instant hypomania.
There is no shame in having this illness however people just dont need to know as there is still some stigma surrounding mental illness.
I hope you get help soon, no-one deserves to suffer.
Bipolar is a chemical imbalance of the brain it is as real as any physical illness. One psych nurse told me that mental illness is like having a head injury it can take a long time to recover but there is always hope that they will in the end get the combination of meds right for that person

[lonegael]

I would call a psychdoc on your insurance list (or perhaps not, depending,) and tell him that you were diagnosed, that your previous docotr in no longer in practice, and that you need to see someone about getting back on medication. Most Pdocs really hate the thought of one of us "running wild". Not because of horrible stereotypes, but because of the amount of human suffering this disease can bring to you and your children if for some reason it really gets out of control.
I work in the mental health field and can tell you that if they got rid of all us bipolars in the mental health system, there would be no system. There rwere a lot of docotrs in my hometown who were medicated bipolars as well. They were often among the few who really gave a whip about their patients. At the same time, I realize how easily that label could be used against me, especially here in Sweden, so I am carefull about who I tell. It's not exactly a secret, but I reserve the right to share it with whomever I chose.
Welcome to the forum, by the way! It's always great to hear other's stories as well!

[dj586858]

I am sorry you are having a difficult time. I am pretty open about being bipolar. When I was diagnosed I was happy to put a name to the problems I was having. I know it is an illness, that it isn't my fault, it doesn't mean I am weak or a failure and that it is treatable. Having someone tell you to "cheer up" or "get over it" is the worst. This is not something we can handle alone and frankly we shouldn't have to try. Maybe your family or at least your husband could go to an appointment with you once you start seeing a doctor. There is also a lot of reading material available that maybe you could share with them. You need and deserve the support and understanding of those you love. Finding the right doc and right meds for you will make your life so much better, less of a struggle. At my work, my boss, our president, our HR person and some of my friends know about my disorder. It has never been used against me and only makes me feel more supported. I hope you can get the help you deserve and find the peace you need.