Panic is rising - Possible Trigger

I was doing really well for a while until I found this.

Oh wow. I don't know what to do about this. I don't know what to think.

I was looking for some paperwork that I need to file for my SSDI for a name change on my SS card. I haven't seen it since I moved a year ago, so I need to look everywhere. Unfortunately m husband and I are very disorganized about how we file papers and this particular paper could be anywhere in the house including basement and garage.

When I was done searching the basement with no luck, I decided to search the bedroom. I was looking in my night table with no luck and then decided to look in myhusband's night table. He often stored papers there. i was not snooping at all, but when I looked in the bottom drawer, I found a few men's magazines. I have no problem with that. If he wants to read them it is his business. Then I saw some pink material. I wish I hadn't seen it. It was a pair of women's panties. They were not in the greatest shape. There was a hole in them, and they were definitely not washed. They do not belong to me. I don't have any in that particular style and they are not my size.

What do I think about this? All the options bother me.

Here is what is going through my mind in no particular order:

1. He is cheating on me
2. An internet "friend" sent them to him
3. He bought them from somewhere
4. He kept a pair from an old ex (we have been together for 6.5 years, married for three, time to get rid of ex girlfriend's undies.)
5. He wears them himself

I have had the thought of leaving him when I was having major bipolar symptoms, and we have been working that out in therapy. I came to realize that my mind goes straight to divorce when my symptoms get bad.

However, cheating and secrecy is a deal breaker for me, and finding someone else's undies isn't a delusion or hallusination. I held thenm in my hands. Then I washed my hands for a long time.

What the hell do I do?

I'd ask him about it. Find out the story. Go from there.

Do you go see a therapist together still? I find that talking to people about difficult issues that it is better to do it on neutral ground, so a.) you don't flip out and b.) they don't flip out. When it's just me an my husband at home, one person starts yelling, then the other person starts yelling, then I start throwing stuff....etc.

Also, calm down. Remember that assume = making an *** out of u and me. So it's good to not assume. Which is really hard, especially when all the thoughts are going on at one time. Take a few minutes to just chill and think about the positive aspects of your marriage.

Good Luck.

I agree with Farmergirl - tell him what you were looking for and how you happened to find the panties. Let him take it from there. It could be something simple - a gag gift from a guy friend even. Until you ask him your going to make your self sick - believe me I know.
Been there, done that... Good Luck!!

We are having an emergency session with our T tomorrow night. He says it was a gift from "his first" and he kept it all these years because it was important to him.

Okay, so you have talked to him - that is a start. Having a session with your therapist together is probably the best next step. Hope your session goes well.

I hope so too. I have so many icky feelings about this.

Hm, this is a weird situation. I know you must be feeling awful. I know that I wouldn't mind if I found playboys (or the like) but finding an actual pair of underwear is completely disconcerting! Yikes! I guess what you are going to have to decide is whether or not you trust him enough to believe that they are some old (but admittedly strange) memento. If so, maybe you are going to have to decide whether that is something you can accept: him keeping an old pair of someone's panties! If you cannot accept it, then you two are going to have to come to an agreement about it or something that helps you feel comfortable.

How did he act when you asked him about it?

Tell me to shut up if I am asking too much!

At first he didn't seem to know what I was talking about. After that he remembered and told me that they were from "his first" and said that he would throw them away. I went out to walk the dog and when I got back he said that he threw them away and that it was hard for him to do because they were important to him.

I just can't get over the sick feeling I have about this. If it were just this one thing, I might be OK about it, but it is all the little things that have built up with us. Little lies about bill paying, trouble with intimacy, arguments, etc. It all adds up to feeling really icky about us. Our relationship has been about a lot of damage control, and I think that a healthy relationship should be about honesty and respect.

I am not saying I am not at any fault. I have a hard time controlling impulse when I am having symptoms and I have been known to blow up at little things.

I can understand how this has upset you ((BNLsMOM) - I don't think he's cheating because if there was a woman in your house, you would think she wouldn't leave without her underwear - right? I think his explanation sounds believable but I don't think he should keep them. What size are they - the reason I ask is because some men do like wearing womens panties. Don't freak out about this and it doesn't mean a guy is gay because he wears womens underwear. Did he look stunned when you asked him ir fumble for words? I wouldn't get too upset and I think you both can work this out.

He did look stunned for a moment or two.

They were definitely not his size. I asked him he wears them and he said that he doesn't and that he isn't into that.

Then I would go with the explanation he gave. I can understand not being happy because he felt, he needed to save them. Are they in the garbage now? There are some men who steal womens underwear too - but I'm not saying that's why your husband has them. Are you just going to let it go?

Isn't it curious that men actually don't mind if the undies are dirty but women would never want to save dirty mens underwear??? I always wondered about that.

I hope I can let it go. That's the best thing to do, honestly. I think it is going to take time. We're working on so many things and this just adds to the list. I don't know how much more I can deal with before I jsut say "enough."

I hope you can both work it out together. I think it would help to realize there are even worse problems that are impossible to work out. I'm miserable with my marriage, but mine is impossible. If yours has hope and you're both willing to work, then try to concentrate on that. I hope things get better for you.

Ugh. What a session. I don't want to share details, but I will be continuing with my t at our regualr session tomorrow.

I hope you are alright. I'll be sending good vibes your way tonight.

I am really worried about us. I don't know how much more energy i have to put into us.

Crap. This feels like an episode. I am so triggered.

I am so depressed, angry and I want to overhaul my life right now and make myself better. I think I can resist being impulsive. I do have to do some shopping for a vacation I am taking in a couple of weeks but I am using an account that I have set up for such things so I can't get into money trouble.
I have just had enough. Between moving, diagnosis, our issues, raising a kid with anxiety and depression, raising a two year old, two hospitalizations, an outpaint hospitalization, leaving my job, applying for SSDI and realizing I am disabled, dealing with anxiety and paranoia, med changes, I feel like whining a little. (a lot)
I am about ready to run away. I really need this vacation and I'll have a week with my kids and my sister before my husband arrives. Hopefully a little space will help. If not, I don't know what to do.
I feel like he doesn't love me in a healthy way but in a way that he "loves" his stuff. I feel like he is hoarding me. Someday, I'll be found next to a dead cat under a pile of magazines and he will say, "How did that get there?" (No offense intended for people who have hoarding tendencies.)

((((BNLsMOM))))

(((BNLsMOM))) - sorry to hear everythings so over whelming. You're lucky to be getting away for a liitle while. I hope it all works out.

Your vacation will come and it will be a time of healing I feel

I am still feeling terrible about our relationship. I don't know what to do other than wait and see what happens, be my best, and see.

I am done struggling. I am done trying to make him love me rather than cling to me. I am going to live my life. He can live his. After a year of couple's counseling, this is where I am. This is where I was when we went into counseling.

Whatever. This is such BS.

I'm sitting here staring at my screen trying to think of positive and wonderful things to say to you. I can't. I just don't know what to say. I'm sorry. I wish your relationship was going better. It seems so unfair to have to deal with this at the same time you are trying to find stability with your bipolar. It sucks. *****, I wish I could be helpful! I really want to do something to make you feel better, but I can think of nothing.