Discouraged

It feels like it will always be this way. I know it's irrational, because things are always changing. However, the meds situation is giving me grief.

I've had little to no energy during the day for quite some time. The past couple of weeks solid. Sleeping the day away, drifting in and out of consciousness is no kind of a life. I feel like a coma patient. Then I emerge at about 4pm with a decent amount of energy.

So yesterday afternoon, frustrated, I take a second Wellbutrin 150mg. Hours later I have tons of energy. I assemble a bookshelves, rearrange and clean old ones, restock the new one with stacked up books and arrange them by theme. Then I get some stackable containers my guy had bought and clean out and organize the fridge. I should be exhausted, but I'm not. My eyes are dilated.

My brain is wide awake and happy until 3:30am, my body and eyes all the while exhausted. My alarm goes off at 8, I take my meds and go back to sleep. Finally get out of bed at 10:30, then I nearly pass out in the bathroom. Back to bed and the blood rushes back into my brain. My guy brings me water and juice and a half a burrito. I take that. I fall back to sleep. I get up at 12:30 and am still in a fog.

I decided to go back up on Lamictal. It's affecting my energy level. It was supposed to be the first of my 5 medications that I was going to wean myself off of. Now I figure I'll always be on all these meds and that is terribly discouraging. I feel like a failure and a prisoner. I don't want to, but I keep having to go back to sleep. Geodon lowers my blood pressure and my brain is starving for oxygen and blood. But I've tried all the other atypicals with one exception, and it's the least bad of them on me.

I feel like quitting my job, school, and just staying indoors for the rest of my life. Nothing seems to matter when you feel this out of it.

I know how you feel! I was actually just posting about this...my anti-anxiety meds made me exhausted but helped with the anxiety, now that the tiredness is starting to wear off I'm really anxious again, so the doc (an emergency doc, my reg. doc is off this week) increased the clonazepam so now I'll be not anxious but I'll be exhausted again.

You aren't a failure!! I think someone talked about this on another post, but just like diabetics have to take insulin every day, a lot of people with bipolar have to take meds every day. Our chemistry is a little crooked so we need the meds to try to get it straightened out. It's not fun, and the side-effects SUCK, but we gotta do what we gotta do. I get discouraged but then I think "at least we have medication options, years ago the treatment for mental illness was a 'rest cure' or you were just locked away for the rest of your life". I figure that it's better to be tired or overweight or whatever and be able to have some semblance of a normal life than to be locked up with the key thrown away, you know?

Anyhow, take care, and I hope that things get better soon!

(((Thinker)))

I am sorry you are going through this. I wish I had advice for you, but just know I understand.

I feel for you, and can relate. Like was said before you are not a failure. Medication is better than the alternative my great grandmother went through.

I to do not have any advice as I am struggling myself at the moment... so take care and don't be to hard on yourself.

I'm always more coherent as the day goes on. At least I have that. I'm thankful for many things. I've learned my lesson about not changing my meds just cuz I'm frustrated. Better to be a little out of it and get a good night's sleep than to lose the whole next day to trying to catch up on sleep.

I accomplished nothing today. Feeling lame, but thanks for saying I'm not a failure. There are so many things I'd like to do with my life, but as I'm sure everyone else feels at times, they seem so far out of reach.

What if I wanted to climb mountains? Or run for political office? Not that I want to, but so many things are barred from me due to my condition. All I want to do is be able to support myself and start writing again. Short stories, novels, non-morose poems. I hate being semi-conscious and weak.

You know how it is. Thanks for your thoughts.

Once when I was manic I climbed a mountain... no safety equipment, and bad shoes. 4000 ft doesn't seem like that much until you are looking down with your feet barely footed on a ledge... I really do not recommend looking down, thats when the panic set in.

I showed my nephew some pictures, and he put it simply "uncle chris your crazy" which I guess means a lot coming from a 6 year old.

I wish I felt like that again.. I was in such a high spot on every level... to bad that high ended up in a near suicidal depression.

I think writing is a bit safer . I hope you start feeling better.

Most of the time I feel like the living dead. What you have written I can relate to very well. I have dealt with this situation for 30 years and I really do not know of any good solutions. Whatever do not loose hope, that is the most important virtue.
Wishing you success with your heavy load.

Thinker, I have been where you are for many days over many years. My Bipolar was made many times worse by incorrect prescription of SSRI''s over many years. Many Bipolar people NEED them, but for people like me, for whom SSRI's are contraindicated, they can be fatal and I nearly did die at my own hand (very close). I was to find out they are contraindicated for me when I moved to a new place and found an excellent psychiatrist 18 months ago.

What happened for me and many others is that they can push the patient up into Hypomania/Mania unnaturally (beyond what your illnesses would normally) and then the inevitable plunge in major Bipolar related suicidal depression - again and again and again. And what comes with that is the Mixed States and Rapid Cycling, ZERO functionlaity after being a high achiever for years and the associated panic and anxiety disorders also being out of control. I mention this phenomenon as some of what you have communicated fits in here - the terrible and debilitating Bipolar Depression, but then spurts of productive Hypomania - it could be just your illnesses themselves, or it could be the meds contributing. There is lots of material on the Net about this phenomenon of SSRI's and Bipolar. And of course you can ask your doc. But DON'T go off meds by yourself.

Having said all of that and the fact that I nearly died, I believe that psychiatry is our best bet in 2010, even though it is fundamentally flawed. We must keep pushing and pushing to get the right meds mix - I feel like a guinea pig over many years. I have lost everything because of what happened and spend most days just hanging on to the side of a slippery slope and trying to rebuild a life.

Wendy, I too was on SSRI's. The first time when I was 20, back in 2000. It caused what I now know was a mixed episode. I was doing dangerous impulsive things. I felt out of control. When I was given them again in 2008-2009 I either felt worse depression or kept the same depression I had. They made me feel sluggish and lethargic. I definitely don't need more serotonin. My deal is dopamine. That's why I'm on Wellbutrin. I just took too much day before yesterday. Last night I got 12 hours of sleep and feel back to my old self.

Thanks for everyone's kind and understanding words. We do hang by a thread some days and it's nice to know that someone else (all of you) have been there before and survived.

I don't know how I'm going to make it through this next quarter of school, but then I never know how I'm going to do it. Even working one day a week seems insurmountable at times. Going to grit my teeth and try. Depressed about it, but if I show up I can probably make it through. That is, if I don't fall asleep in class, which is a real risk. I hate early morning classes, but that's all I can take lately. All the art classes start at 9.

I know I need my meds. I had a dream last night where a drug dealer laughed when I said I couldn't go off my meds because I felt worse. He said, "See, the pharmaceutical companies have you hooked. They're worse than us." Then I felt bad about myself.