Do you sometimes feel like a fraud?

I've always figured that's what you're supposed to generically say in that case, anyhow.

Pughead, I so relate. I was in a high staus career for years and I am a communicator both by nature and I was by profession. (not working now due to mental illness) So often either when I'm well enough, or simply able to hold back the real intensity of my Bipolar/Panic/Anxiety when dealing with people, I come across as a powerful, got her **** together person. But the reality of the bulk of my time is actually spent in survival mode, moreso these days in massive Panic and Anxiety as my meds are managing the Bipolar part pretty well most of the time. So people get real mixed signals if they get me on a good day or an off day - and there extremes are well, EXTREME.

My mental health clinicians understand that I can be at either end of the spectrum in terms of functionality, but it's hard to have to communicate with others that my capacities can vary so wildly. When I started my current Uni course this year, I got on the phone to the Disability Support Office straight away. I could tell by the guy's response to me on the phone that he was wondering, "Why does THIS woman need help in terms of disability? She really is strong and seems to have it all together." I raised it with him straight away, I said, I know I sound really together now, but it's not like that the majority of the time, and he said he understood, and Boy Oh Boy after a few months of great difficulties with the lecturers and the delivery of the course and my concurrent unravelling - HE REALLY GETS IT NOW!! lol

You know, I've never even HEARD of such an office...
I wonder if they even have such things here in the States.

I think they do, it is is pretty common practise to have a Disability Liaison Office in Uni campuses - and I'd think they would have them in the States too. But unfortunately they haven't really been able to help me much - there are fundamental shortcomings in how the course is being delivered, so it's like, even the basic service levels students need to complete the course aren't being met, so asking for help disability-wise is like icing on the cake - I just want to get through the course!! But I keep the Disabulity guy informed of what is happening just in case he can add value in some way as things go along.

I never went to a real university, so may that's why I haven't heard of them. ^.^;

I not only feel like a fraud but I am a fraud. I fake it for people all the time. No one knows the troubles I've seen. lol. I tried to get real with people for a while but the 'just cheer up' type comments drove me right back to faking it. They have no idea what goes on behind the mask.

We must all just remember we are NOT frauds. We are just misunderstood. and if anyone wants to hold this against us, it's due to their ignorance.

None of us are "fraudulent" by any fault of our own. It's either a coping mechanism, or reflex. We didn't just wake up 1 day and say "Gee, I wonder how I can fool the world today"
If "normal boring" people with their "normal boring" feelings and reactions can't/won't take the time to TRY to understand that everybody's lives aren't black and white, then I say they are the ones who need to "BUILD A BRIDGE" and get over themselves!

Just my thoughts on the matter!

Cheers Trippin! Some days I just wish I could hang up a sign on the back of my chair and say - I suffer from BP, and the following are things you need to understand about me:...

At the same time I do empathise with people working around us - it can't be easy having to walk on egg shells and not be sure what reaction one will get from one minute to the next... Lol!

lol, I couldn't fit the list on the back of my chair.

It has occurred to me though that I might be more open than I should be, I think sometimes I probably make people uncomfortable.

i don't feel brave enough to tell everyone. but those i've chosen to open up to, I think i be too open with...

I've gotten in to the habit of talking about it as if it's diabetes or high blood pressure... something people will talk about and not be weird with, you know?
But then on the flip side, I feel worthless because I have to take medication... but would I feel worthless if I had to have insulin? Probably not.

Well, most people don't go around bragging about diabetes or high blood pressure either. I don't brag about my scoliosis and flat feet

Yeah, I'm just...
Abnormal. xD

What is it about the course delivery makes it difficult for you? Just curious as an ex-professor.

Their admin is all over the place, they don't know what forms they have with whom, they are so mixed up themselves that they say something different everytime there is a phone conversation. Each lecturer and admin person, the finance area, contradicts the other - both on the phone and in emails.

I have communicated many times and at length to the main admin person that I have a life-threatening mental illness and that it may affect my needs throughout etc. The Disability liaison guy told me this week that after months of communicating that to her, she calls him and asks "What are Wendy's physical disability needs for the upcoming on-campus stint?". Obviously she doesn't either read email or listen to phone calls (either live or Voicemail messages), as I don't have a physical disability and I'm not even doing the On Campus portion - they cancelled the first On-campus stint one day before it was to start and it was to have been in a remote part of the state so the complexities of that would have been difficult for every student to attend, but for me it was diabolical as I had had to do so much preparation. However, I understand that things do get cancelled - but she only EMAILED students the cancellation the day before the On campus stint (staying on campus for several days). She didn't even call people to say it was cancelled. Had I not seen my email I would have gone there, a three hour drive etc. So I formally changed my delivery mode to fully off-campus, which they offer, but she doesn't obviously keep track of her own correspondence.

It goes on and on and on like this but I won't bore you and it's stressful for me. So I'll just keep trying to negotiate around all of this and get through the course, but if I get to the state of being irredeemably overloaded and suicidal, of course I'll have to bail. Oh, and the academic part of the course is fine - that's going really well - it's the personnel and administration that is so difficult. There are just blockages at every stage - it must be as tiring for them as it is for me - a shocking way of doing business. I've done loads of study in large institutions before and always found the admin aspects to be difficult, but thes is a whole other ball game.

Wendy, I'm glad the academic part, course delivery, is good. I know when I taught I liked doing online classes the best because you could actually do one-on-one and see what each student is learning prior to a test.

Yes, Anne, I am loving the academic part. I had a long career in PR/Communications which I can no longer do because of my illnesses (tried to go back to it last year but failed spectacularly, although I am glad I took that path and sorted out that I couldn't do the work anymore - it is intrinsicly stressful and deadline driven - high egos - including mine!! lol)

I am taking a totally new tack with the study I am doing now - Sustainability and then Conservation and Environment. My previous studies and career will not be wasted with this as community engagement, education and behavioural change were all part of what I did before. But I'm in a particular midset about what the course means to me - it's not yet another grand, mania driven approach to study, work and thr future. I'm doing the study as an end in itself - rehab from the depths I have been in and all I have lost, intellectual stimulation, class time with students and lecturers when I move to the town the Uni is in, self estem building by slowly plodding along and learning something new and the simple self esteem building acts of getting the study and assignments done. It's already lifted my self esteem. In AA we say, "Self esteem comes from esteemable acts" and this certianly applies to me doing the course.

Wendy - I am about to finish my BCom Degree (Write my last 2 exams on Friday 28th May!) and I'm by no means ready to write, but will have to fumble my way through it. The last 2 years especially have been very hard, as when you are depressed it is very hard to find the motivation to study. In November 2009, for the first time ever, I e-mailed the Uni to tell them to please defer 2 of my exams. I hadn't opened a book. Now 6 months down the line I'm still not ready!! eek

Oh well - the thing is I'd really like to study something after this. Not more business, or honours. I don't want to waste my time or money on something if I cannot find the motivation - how do you get it right? I also really enjoy psychology/counselling, and wonder if I shouldn't try do a course in this?
Sorry about the rambling- not even sure if it really belongs here...!??!?

It's not rambling, you're sorting through options and sometimes it's hard to do that in one's own head. I don't have any friends left due to mental illness, bar one who lives a long way away so I have a lot of alone head-time (bad idea). So I see two psychologists and I put things like this by them and it really helps - it helps to have someone give a **** about me for a start, let along floating ideas.

I think it's frightening but exciting to explore what one will do next. I went through the course listings of several Universities and tried out in my head how the courses match my values, stenghths, weaknesses, what the future will hold for the field, how it would fit into my psychiatric recovery and I guess my AA recovery too (I am 11 years sober).

One thing that really helped me was that I use the ACT and Mindfullness psychological model, with both psychologists and one thing you do as part of that is establish you Core Values and then Valued Actions that arise from those. This helped me to light on a course that matched me and where I am now in my life. One thing I have to watch though, is that as my consciosness has been raised by doing this course, my interface with all the sustainability, conservations and environmental issues that are covered in EVERY SINLGE NEWS BROADCAST - tv, tadio, press, Internet has become more intense. Hey I'm an intense person and I do CARE. lol. But I have to consciously detatch when stuff like the Gulf of Mexico oil spill come on, or Australia's recent Chinese tanker smashing into the Barrier Reef. I get so involved so quickly and it's bad for me.

I'm rambling but I'm glad to post on the study issue and things are still very difficult in terms of getting the basic level of support to continue with the course. There's no accountability and the University staff just refer me to each other in an unending cycle. I've left yet another Voicemail message for the Disability Liaison guy but I don't think he can help me. I'm seeing my psychologist tomorrow so I'll raise it with her AGAIN. I have to get to the point of surrendering to the fact that I may NOT be able to mobilise the lecturer whose help I need and have to drop out of the course to get any peace within myself. Big problem though, not only would that shatter me, but I have committed to a Government debt of $3000AUD to do the course (just for this year and it's part time) and there is a point at which you have to bail from the course at a certain time, or you will incur that debt. Yuk.

Thanks for replying WendyAussie - guess I just needed someone to ramble with - my mind is really working over-time today. Not in a bad way, but it's irritating me and I just want it to slow down

I really feel like a fraud today... I know I'm down and I called off of work, but I feel like a complete fraud that I did so. ... I guess I should have gone in?
>< I don't deserve to be employed.
Then again, I don't feel that I deserve much at all.

If i feel like i do now on Monday, I'm calling in sick. And sleeping the whole day thro til i feel betta

Sounds like a plan to me.
I've just missed so much work lately and I kind of feel bad about it. ><

i think we need to just remember that we (and our health included) need to come first.