Do you sometimes feel like a fraud?

Yeah.
I just have those times that my whole health seems like a fraud... *sigh*

Yeppers. Especially since I "don't have a care in the world". I am fortunate in that I do live a life of luxury, but it's not MINE - it's my boyfriend's graces. I think it is even worse in that I can do/go anywhere I'd like (and I did go to a really nice rehab/facility...that's about the only 'plus' I've used) and I just can't get it together sometimes.

Luckily, and unluckily, boyfriend is BPD1, while I am BPD2. He marches to the beat of his own drum, as well. Thank goodness he doesn't make me feel bad about my non-functioning days....he skews more towards mania.

Oh my, sometimes it's a roller coaster around here...but...the upside is that the other person totally understands how you feel and can be supportive (unless they are on an opposite swing...then we just stay in different houses on the property and that works!).

Anyway, I feel like a floozy. <3

My fiancé doesn't seem to quite get the bipolar thing.
But I think that when it comes to understanding bipolar, I'm just so used to my mom's understanding of it that I get frustrated when my fiancé doesn't understand it in the same way.
Our fights unfortunately end up being triggers for SI, though.

Which is something just thinking about that I find very interesting... my mom and I have fights, but it rarely triggers anything.
But if I fight with my fiancé or my dad, it triggers like no tomorrow.
Analyzation ahoy.

every day..

I took off two months when I worked for a large hospital system....and thank goodness they now have to cover mental/physical illness the same. I was able to use the private disability insurance through my company and be paid for my sick leave. Are you able to do something like a hiatus that won't financially hurt you?

Yeah, I totally feel like a fraud at times. Called in sick A LOT this year, but not much last year. I guess it's just easier to do because I don't care about the job. I wonder if I should try the FMLA thing...at least they wouldn't be able to fire me!
I feel like a fraud a lot with my friends and family, always making up excuses for the way I feel. There is not always a reason, but non-bipolar folks don't seem to understand how that's possible. It's frustrating.

I wish.
I missed nearly two weeks of pay with my laryngitis and am barely covering my bills... with help from my fiancé.

True that, true that...

I feel like a fraud most of the time, but now it's because I haven't told my family that I lost my job. I want to tell them but I can't seem to make the words come out. They of course think all is well. When they ask how i'm doing, I say fine and everyone moves on. Although in my heart I know they care about me, my head tells me that they don't and says why bother to tell them if they don't care?

No one belives I have bipolar. And if they do they just ignore it. Everyone thinks I do stuff for attention or somehting. Or that I have a high sex drive becasue I am a sl*t... Bipolar is har enough much less to have to deal with it on your own. My mom told me I'm just bored and my aunt called me a wh*re. The best is when I explain that I cant go somewhere for them or somehting becasue I just don't feel well and they respond with, "Oh that bipolar crap isn;t an excuse". They wonder why I am *****y and don;t talk to them lol.

romanjames, those statements from your family are awful. If I were you (and I did this for other reasons to do with family), I would create really strong boundaries about how much time and influence they have in your life - even decide whether or not you even want ceratin family members in your life at all. You have a life threatening illness as it is, and to be judged like that just isn't on. I am a sober alcoholic as well as a Beeper and back in my drinking days (11 years sober now), my behaviour with men was out of control - especially when I drank to blackout, which was the way I drank for 18 years. So you're not alone and it's not a moral issue as your family are saying, it is due to ILLNESS.

Sometimes I feel so good and normal. I feel like the bipolar diag is wrong. That makes me feel like a fraud on disability. Then eventually the wave of depression and anxiousness make their appearance .

Here I am,

I just wanted to tell you that I firmly believe BPD to be a completely disabling/life-threatening illness. I would pay a ton more taxes if it would ensure everyone taken care of. I just...ache that you feel that way. It's just like any other disease that the govt. would be helping for...and I think they should. That's why we pay taxes...to take care of each other. Much love to you. I would try to go on if I had no other means of support (I am unable to work anymore, also, but boyfriend covers my life).

xoxo

HereI am BP, I very much feel the same way. As I am improving due to better meds mix and excellent therapy, I have some short periods of feeling almost normal - then I immediately think I should be working and not on the Disability Support Pension (Australia). But this is ridiculous - I tried to go back to work last year and failed dismally and it was very traumatic - and this was in a career which I am well educated for and which I woked at a high level for 14 years. And I was re-entering at a much lower level and part time and couldn't even do that.

This has been an interesting thread. Thanks for starting it, allme! And romanjames, those are awful things for them to say. Seriously, it always amazes me the kinds of things people say! As if we're not feeling bad enough about it already(!)

Back to the original question, another came to mind recently... I feel like a fraud when I am filling out applications and making resumes (I have a lot of <cough> varied job experiences, none long lived...). I know myself well enough to know that my ability to function fluctuates wildly. Consistency is elusive, to say the least. But to even hope for getting hired, hell, even *considered*, I need to present this consistent top-notch front. And it's BS. Finding it really hard to lie, you can imagine the inner conflict this produces. Combine that with rejection and the spiralling self-esteem and guilt of depression and... yeah, it's a mess. I very much feel like a fraud over this. I'm smart (exceptionally actually, but you'd never know it from my employment history..), a really good worker (usually), and take pride in work well done. And still I feel like a fraud for even thinking that I could be worth hiring and even more for having to pretend that I'm someone I'm not. Sometimes. And that's the problem. Are you... blahblahblah? Yes. No. It depends.
Ugh.

So true...
I really feel like a fraud right now, I couldn't function yesterday at work and had to come home a couple of hours early... and all my dad is saying is that I need to learn to cope and control my mind better, which makes me feel like a complete fraud...
... and even my mom is saying that I need to learn to manage it, which I do, and I'm trying... but they make me feel like I'm not trying even though I really really am...
It's extra frustrating because my mom is usually more understanding...

I feel so alone inside my head...
I wish I had been born normal...

Amadeus - I'm sure you're doing your best to manage the blow we've all unfortunately been blown (Not taken negatively!) We all work hard with our pdoc's and T's to get the right meds and learn the best coping mechanisms.
We really do not need to be reminded that we need to control it - we are doing our best, and people need to understand that sometimes our best may not be able to live up to their expectations.
But we aren't about pleasing other people. We are there to be the best person WE can be!

It can be frustrating and hurting when others just don't understand. But know that you always have us at PC who DO UNDERSTAND and SUPPORT you.

And we definitely are allowed the odd off day!

yep, all the time. I have so many different faces, even I don't know which is me anymore. I feel like a fraud in the sense that I "fake" being okay so many times when really I am writhing in pain on the inside. I think if my dh were to take a peek in my head, he would wind up at the steps of the psych ward holding his head a rocking back and forth like a madman.

It's definitely frustrating, I cried this morning. But I think that maybe that helped me cope for the rest of the day?
It's just so sporadic... Thursday I couldn't stay at work, but today I didn't have any problems... there were the same number of people waiting to be helped (tech support, 80-100 in queue all day waiting to speak with someone). And that was just overwhelming for me on Thursday, but I was fine today, that makes it even more frustrating... because I go, "Well, I did fine today... why didn't I yesterday?!"

I understand my dad having the viewpoint, he doesn't seem to think I'm trying... but he doesn't have bipolar and I think he has better coping skills that I do.
I've really never learned coping, the only coping that I have (which my fiancé keeps watching me so I can't...) is my self injury. I never learned proper coping skills... even going to therapist for 12 years, what's up with that?

My mom reassured me that she understands, she has bipolar as well. She just has better control than I've been able to manage. That was the frustrating one, it seeming like my mom didn't understand even though she had bipolar and has dealt with it.

@ onomonapetia: DH? What does that stand for?

But even you say that you are frustrated with yourself.

And you mentioned coping mechanism. That is important. Sometimes we just cannot cope, but it should be only sometimes, not all the time. Pushing yourself too hard does not work, but neither does it help if you don't try hard enough. At the moment,going home few hours earlier from work seems easy... but it gives a guilt that last much worse than that.

For me, it was always easy to start spiralling down from the moment and allowed myself to give in to my momentarilly feelings.

Everybody has a right to have a "bad day" though and if you feel you honestly could not do more in the moment, don't blame yourself too much. Rather use it for the future. What was the trigger? What could I differently?

I don't know what your situation was at the moment... but from what your written it seems that you probably need to try a different approach to acquire coping mechanisms. Myself, I am really into yoga, alpha relaxation... it is possible to alter your mind through these... it does not happen over night, but there are some powerful techniques.

Do you talk with your mother about her conditions? Do you know what her coping mechanisms are?

She's tried to teach me, but I can be very stubborn... what I have been trying to do is just... I guess will myself to push past it, but it hasn't been working.
I guess I should stop being so stubborn and let her teach me more about how she copes... why the therapist taught her and not me... ... heh, probably stubbornness again. As I started getting older, I became less trusting of my T. Not only that, but I became more and more convinced that I should be able to deal with everything myself.

There's a big difference from when you're 9 and you're just playing Uno and playing with the guy's Tickle-Me-Elmo and then when you're 19, it seemed.

And then we ran in to a few issues that completely broke my trust, so at this point just the thought of going to a T just seems so pointless to me.
The incident kind of led me to the opinion that all they're doing is taking my money to listen to my issues... and I mean, yeah, it's their job... but I find it frustrating to have to pay someone to listen to what's going on in my screwed up mind.

Hoo boy, I've always been afraid to say this aloud, but it's something I've struggled with too for sure. And the way it runs in my head sounds worse. Nervous now, but going to put it out there... "Omg, how sad is it that I have to pay someone to even listen to me?!" Not so much a frustration, but when I'm down, it's just there. Logically of course, it's silly. It's not just talking, and hopefully they can help give some insight and/or ways to deal with it things, in a way that talking to people in general seldom provides. As for the trust issue, have you always had the same T? If so, it might be a matter of finding one that you feel more comfortable with.

Stubborness causes me no end of trouble either, even seeing that getting past it would be a big help(!) (Again, not logical standing in one's own way, so I guess I suppose that'd be a good thing for me to work on(!)) Is stubborness something you've ever worked on with a T? It's good to have something concrete. (I struggled with concrete answers to being asked what I'd like to accomplish with therapy.) Huh. Just occured that even stubborness can make me feel like a fraud. You know, like _saying_ that I want to get better (not "cured" of course, but better at managing), yet standing in my own way by hardcore skepticism that anything can really help.

Thanks for helping break the ice on that one AmadeusApple. Don't feel quite so alone now. (Plus, it's always amazing how writing can help reveal things that hadn't occured before...if you hadn't written that, I'd not had that revealed. Ya just never know! Thanks again!)

I feel like a fraud all the time. My family knows that I have bipolar but, they don't seem to understand how much of an impact it has on my life (if they believe it's an illness at all). I think I'm gonna start the process of trying to get disability but, I'm afraid to even try to talk to my husband about it. He has been on me to try to get a job and I just can't bring myself to tell him that I really don't think I could handle a job without having a major breakdown.

Here's me again. I have noticed lately that when I have a few good days in a row I do enjoy it, but there is a niggling thought at the back of my mind that well, you're OK, so you shouldn't be on the Disability Suppoprt Pension (Australia) and should be working (I had a long career, successful for many years, which I lost due to my illnesses). Of course these few days cycles of feeling OK have come after and in between terrible cycles of Bipolar Depression where I go STRAIGHT to the Dark Place as well as crippling Panic and Anxiety.

I am a person with an overblown sense of responsibility and my mental health clinicians are very good at keeping me in a reality check. My therapist always reminds me that when I am feeling well, will pass and there will be really hard days, and when I have relapses, they too shall pass and there will be better days again. I never believed that the Dark Days would pass, but they do seem increasingly to.

Amanda, I've very alone due to my illnesses and while that brings profound loneliness, it does also have advantages in that I don't have to negotiate the family dynamics that you are facing now. I very much sympathise with what you are going through - in terms of your illness and the interface with your husband in particular. The closest parallel for me is my former relationship with my career. I was holding off for years from the inevitable, that I was going to need to let go of work, at least for a period of time, until I have gotten some recovery. Well of course, events over took me. I was sacked from a Government job (which is VERY hard to achieve in Australia!! lol) because of my illnesses and how they impacted on my abilility to work in my professional career.

The reality is that we can only operate within a framework of the resources we have to give. And if our illnesses are affecting our capacities in a chronic way, there's no escaping the reality. If I could work, I would be working today. I haven't worked for three and a half years now and I tried to go back to work last year with a heap of help from an excellent mental health team and a local job agency, got a job in my field, was only in it for a few weeks, had a meltdown and had to resign.

I had a very bad slump into Bipolar Depression following that attempt to go back to work, but keep soldiering on.

Of course I can't give you specific advice, but in general I think you need support from a therapist or a psychdoc around this issue - it is obviously putting a lot of emotional strain on you - which for us cannot be sustained over a significant period without damage to ourselves. You may consider asking your husband to go see your mental health clincician with you so they can help educate him on your condition and the limitations and effects it has on people's lives, including yours.

This is a time for asseertiveness, as hard as that is with intimate family. You may or may not be able to practise that now without help - and that's cool - we're all on a continuum with learning and practosing assertivessness - thus the need to get help to be assertive. Please keep coming here and tell us how you go. All the best.