Do you sometimes feel like a fraud?

The sad part about the company where I work is that it's easier if you aren't physically sick.
If it's related to my FMLA, I don't get in trouble for calling in sick. My FMLA is for my bipolar/depression etc.
But if it was say, a really bad bout of the flu and I missed two or three days, that's when they'd be on my *ss threatening to fire me.

Yes - I have at times felt like a fraud, usually when I'm feeling stable. That's when it's a good idea for me to go back through my mood charts and see the "evidence".

grizmom - I've never really thought about it that way, but really can relate. It is so true. When you are feeling stable, people don't realise the battle you've been through to get to that stage. It's hard for others to understand how you can be stable and "fine" when just the day before you were at the depths of depression

Yes, I heartily agree too. I'm going through a period when I have a lot more good days than I've had in years, and as soon as I reach a time of critical mass of good days I start to feel like I shouldn't be on the Disability Pension - I should be working. But of course I tried to go back to work last year and fell on my bum and couldn't do it.

I've also started a new part time Uni course, as part of rehabilitation, self esteem, intellectual fulfillment etc. And I'm doing OK at it so I start to think, well I should be working if I can study. But of course that is ridiculous because the study mode I am doing is off-campus, so I work around the bad days I have, the nights of poor sleep which leave me very low functioning, and as soon as I have a good day, or even a good part of a day - I jump in and do parts on my Uni work. But jobs don't work like that!! lol. I can't rock up to a job when I feel like it, or when the restrictions of my life threatening mental illness allow me a small pocket of time in which I am well enough to work. So, I'm trying to give myself a break and realise that I don't have to be on the brink of suicide every single minute to deserve to be on the Pension. And I work as hard as I possibly can in psychiatry, psychology and for me, AA as I'm 11 years sober - so I could not put a jot more into my recovery than I do now - in fact my clinicians are often holding me back from working too hard on myself as like anything compulsive, it can be counterproductive.

Yes, I know what you mean (I think) I am so busy pretending I am fine that lifes just great, that nothings a problem when in fact I am so bloody weary everythings an effort, I am struggling with all aspects of living at the moment and even pretending is becoming tedious. Then I also have to listen to my brain telling me that this is 'normal' that theres actually nothing wrong with me that I'm just 'putting' it on. I indeed feel like a fraud

Well, I guess I just had this all illustrated this afternoon (Friday afternoon in Australia). I have a serious financial issue at play and I got a ltter in the mail this afternoon which was to say the least, extremely stressful. Luckily I was to see my therapist soon after this because I went into a meltdown and my mind went all over the place, I was shaking and totally wasted the therapeutic massge I'd just had for my bad back and neck. It just goes to show that I can think I'm travelling along well, and I actually am, but then something can just side-swipe me and I'm a bloody mess - a much stronger reaction to stressors like the letter than "normies" would have. Aaargh wel..........

I understand the stronger reaction thing.
It's a pain to deal with, quite literally at times.

Finally! A place where I can rel8 2 others...I know what it's like 2 feel like a fraud even though I haven't been diagnosed with anything... sometimes i feel like my personality is unravelling, and I argue with myself. about myself. like who i'm supposed to be, how i'm supposed to behave...most times i come across as uber confident, people don't know how i struggle to find the me i like, and keep her...

I believe that the more I read about bp, the more accepting of it as a disease I had and ALWAYS have I became.

Imagine what it felt like back in 1987 when the doctors told me I had a disease (major depression - a misdiagnosis) that I would take medicine for for about six months, go to some therapy and then could stop taking the medicine and be fine. Well, six months came and went, then twelve months, then eighteen months and I WASN'T anything near fine. What had I done wrong? I kept asking myself. So, I began reading everything I could find on depression and really began believing that it was a disease that was not going to go away in my case and was genetic in my case and I was going to have to take medications all my life.....in my case! I told the doctors that and they still didn't entirely agree with me. It wasn't to be proven out until it was proven out....some twenty years later when I was correctly diagnosed as bipolar.

I think because other people don't believe in our illnesses, it's easy for us to convince ourselves that we are frauds. The world supports that. Don't believe it for a minute, sweety. Our illnesses are real. So real, some people die because of them. How much more real do you need to get?

I see alot of people talking about work, and not telling your HR, Supervisor, etc. I know it isnt easy at ALL to even talk about this issue we face as they dont see a "Physical" problem, but keep in mind that if they dont know, and your performance slips, they can fire you for the lack of performance, whereas if they know, while they can still fire you, you have a better legal leg to stand on because of the disability. I know some countries have certain laws, but I just dont want to see anyone lose their job over things they cant control.

Oddly enough, my HR and Supervisor and pretty much the whole world know I'm bipolar.
I'm so open about saying, "I have bipolar," it's very strange.
Sometimes I wonder if I say it out loud to try to become more accepting of the fact?

Then again, it's hard for the manager and HR not to know about it when you're on an FMLA. *sigh*

I'm so happy you say "I HAVE bipolar" instead of "I AM bipolar". I would never say "I AM high blood pressure." LOL

I can has cheezburger?

It sure does feel like "am bipolar" at times, though.

I DO know what you mean!!!!!

People with mental illness used to be locked away, so no one had to deal with them. Now, if they pretend it's really just "all in your head" then its the same, they dont have to deal with you. It's all so exhausting, they just dont want to deal with any of it...if you're lieing that's easier!

I think that perhaps sometimes it feels easier for me if it's all in my head... in that that means there's not something totally screwed up in my head for actual, but that I'm just doing it to get attention or something.

I feel like I am faking my entire life. Like one day I'll wake up and go run around naked screaming made up words while painting neighbours houses rainbow colours and trying to catch imaginary animals or something. I feel like I am completely insane and completely normal all at the same time.

Even in my darkest depression times I feel like a faker because I'll go from thinking about suicide to being like "hmm, I need new nail polish" or like "hmm, that skirt would look great with those shoes."

Yes, I do sometimes feel like a fraud. I hide who I really am from people because I feel like they wouldn't understand or because I don't want to trouble them with my problems or because I don't want them judging me or trying to fix me or telling me I'll be fine and I don't need meds I just need to get myself "under control". I feel like a fraud when I lie and make up excuses for why I don't go to work (when i'm depressed), I lie and tell everyone that i'm fine when I haven't been fine in a long time. I've lied to myself, trying to believe that i'm just a little "moody" like my family has been saying I am for the last 20 years. I lie when I'm manic...make up reasons for why i'm so hyper and can't sleep and cleaning for hours and sometimes just because it sounds like something I should be saying. So yes, I do feel like a fraud. A big, whopping fraud.

Sadly enough, this is the reality, whether we like it or not. I remember doing these things, too. I don't do them so much any more cuz i'm in that "Purple dress, red hat" age group now and I don't give a bugs ash what anyone thinks if they believe I have an illness or not. I have been told to my face by so many people, including my step-daughter who belongs to a cult which believes in eternal physical life (!?!?!?!?!?) that I am faking illness for drama and attention, that it's all made up. SHE TELLING ME THAT MY ILLNESS IS MADE-UP? Now, that's a laugh. So, I basically keep to myself and live my life and do what the doctors tell me to do and try to laugh a little every day and enjoy what time I have left in this world. Pretty much on a day to day basis, I believe in what I know is true and trust less and less in what others think of me.

That's my story and I'm stickin' to it.

I don't do them so much any more cuz i'm in that "Purple dress, red hat" age group now and I don't give a bugs ash what anyone thinks if they believe I have an illness or not.

I love this and you gave me my first laugh of the day! I'll be glad when I get to that age group (how old do you have to be to join?), I will wear my purple and red gladly.

I get told so often that things I do are just for attention and that it's offensive to people who actually have illnesses. Like, dude, just because I don't share with you my issues doesn't me I don't have them.

It's an interesting question. God knows, I've felt that way sometimes. I've been on track for over a year now. It feels like, you know, maybe I'm just wired this way. People are different, and maybe I have a gift (mania) that I just don't appreciate and the effect of not embracing that is depression. Maybe I'm close to the norm and I let it swing wide just because. But every now and then, something reminds of how low I've been in the past, and even though it seems crazy to the observer (including me), it was a very intense reality at the time. I'm fairly well-balanced now, and I think I have lamictal and self-awareness to thank for that. But I do feel sometimes that maybe, just maybe, I'm full of sh**, and it's all just a fraud. I hear you, I get it.

Is it wrong that I'm a bit jealous that you're capable of switching like that?
When I'm at my deepest darkest... I don't care at all what I look like.
There's really a cycle you can follow when it comes to me...
If I stop wearing something I'm obsessed with (such as ties), something bad is going on.
If I stop putting on all of my makeup except foundation, it's gotten much worse.

... and if I stop putting foundation on...
I've never been that bad... I'm very paranoid about at least having foundation.

(((VickiesPath))) Being a fellow club member of the purple and red group, I applaud your message and humor. Sometimes the funny side is the only thing that can keep me going. Thanks for the lifting of my heart!

I feel like a fraud a lot of the time for answering "I'm fine" when I know I'm not. But so few people know how to deal with BP episodes that it is easier than letting on that I need help.