so sad - trigger warning

I am so sad right now and just need to be around ppl that undertand. I hate ppl so much right now with all their judging and finger pointing and disappointment in me. I feel so low right now but my head has good manic. A horrible mixed state has been triggered and i am sick of it and i am sick of me and i am sick of everyone. My head is going crazy with thoughts and cant think straight i feel like my head is about to explode. Why do ppl always end up hating me? Well thats fine because i hate myself too sorry for the rant you dont even need to reply. I just need to put there feelings out there.

i understnad and am here for you... pm if you want... people are difficult to deal with sometimes but hang in there... (((((allme))))

If something has triggered this and you want to chat, feel free to pm me...I check in a few times a day. I've been in the same place. Take care!!

thanks guys

This is crazy... someone just gave me some kind words and now I'm like.... oh ppl are ok i dont hate them How can I flip so quickly from pure hate and anger to "oh they are ok really"

ARGHHHHHHHHHHH

My head is still flipping though...... head feels like a balloon.........................

We know that feeling.

@ Allme , I'm new to bipolar and I can relate to this, one second feeling angry and the next feeling okay even laughing. I can go all day doing this sort of stuff .And to hear someone say they just had to say whatever it was irritating them where at least someone understands is Me too. I feel relief to know I will be heard. I can't uderstand all of the issues with bipolar but I'm learning from others like you . Be Well to All .

it angers me that a simple word from one person can surge a whole pile of emotions through me which can either make or break my day or even cause an episode. I want to buy my own island and vet ppl before they can live on it..... I would have no news... no newspapers.... just island news lol eg: parrot fell from a tree

Nice ppl only who dont judge or play BS games.

People who dont judge you just because you are having a bad day

People who accpet you whether you are manic, normal or depressed.

People who dont judge EVERY SINGLE MOVE THAT YOU MAKE.

I WANT TO LIVE IN A PLACE WHERE I CAN BE ME MANIC OR DEPRESSED AND STILL FEEL LOVED AND ACCEPTED AND NOT HAVE TO CONSTANTLY EXPLAIN MY ACTIONS ESPECIALLY WHILE MANIC>

I am who I am . love me.... accept me, I am a good person, I am a caring person, I am human and have feelings just like you. I may sometimes act different and you cant understand that but realise I am just like you.... but my mind processes things differently..... I did not ask for this and I do not want this.. I am what I am and all i want is acceptance. That unconditional love that no matter what you do or say ppl know who you really are and still love you reagrdless of your outbursts and claims of hating them and the world. When deep inside... the only thing I hate is myself. The pain and anger deep rooted manifests in ways that hurt other ppl.... to my loved ones, I am sorry, if I could take back all the things I have done and said i would but realise that is not who I am.

I am lost in my head most of the time... thoughts are like webs and trees with braches that brach out never ending jumping from one branch to another then creating new branches until eventually I want to explode as there is too much going on in my head. TICK TICK TICK BOOOOM..... there she goes.... sepnd spend spend --- flirt with huibbys friends like a floosey with my low cut tops and short skirts.... run around practically dancing and sining on my way to work.... approaching anyone and everyone talking so fast and so hard they have no chance to get w rod in edgeways..... now a shopping spree whhooooooooooooooopy yes must have must have i know i dont have alot of money but my need is so strong it doesnt matter that i cant afford it.... love me love me yes I am great I am super and god knows I am his special child... this world has a special meaning for me and i am here for special reasons i can see the world like no other and look down on you mere mortals and your stupid superficial ways and beliefs. I am special and I know it... god knows it and even you know it but so jealous you wont acknowledge it.

Thennnnn ccraashhh booo mmm powwwwwwwwwwwww

Hate hate hate hate - dont wanna live - want to hurt . I am not worthy I hate myself i hate my family ppl suck they are suck liars ... sleep all day sleep all night, east eat eat eat cant stop eating..... DONT OPEN THE CURTAINS I dont want to see the day come in ... I dont want to see ppl I dont want to talk to ppl.... I HATE PPL AND I HATE ME

Tick tick tick tick

NORMAL ----- ARRRRRRRRR NIIICCCCCCE

TICK TICK TICK ..... WHERE TO NOW .... NEXT STOP..... ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????/

The hospital would be a good place. They can help you work through this. Been there.

This was actually very helpful. My husband is bipolar and his constant cycling just leaves me drained. I don't understand sometimes how an innocent comment will make him explode. But he won't talk to me about his issues. So now I can kinda see how is thought process works.

(((allme))) With your permission I'm going to send this thread to friends and family. You have concisely summed up what, its like, sometimes. Other people need to see this if they are to understand.

(((((allme)))) please hang in there and get help!! we are here for you

Yes meape of course you can :-)

thanks guys and i am glad you found it helpful ceje :-)

You did capture the cycling really well allme. It gets so tiring doesn't it. So much time given over to resisting or managing or regrouping. Fighting urges, fighting temptations, fighting yourself. So little time just living.

Many have found that magic combination of meds and cognitive strategies to help reduce the extremes but the battle still goes on to one degree or another. I have my good days but seldom do I have a day that is level from start to finish. I may be able to get a grip early into a flip but it takes a lot of energy out of me everytime.

Thanks for sharing so others can better understand what it means to live with bipolar. It just somehow makes it easier to know you are not alone and that others get it. I get so tired trying to explain my behaviours and apologize for being so difficult. It has caused me to pretty much live in isolation and faking it when forced to engage with people in real life. I am sick of being told to either 'cheer up' or 'settle down'.

Okay.... sorry.... this isn't about me. Forgot. lol!!

Hey Sanity Seeker

Dont be sorry!! Please express away!!

Yes I totally agree... it's comforting to know you are not alone and ppl "get you". Dont get me wrong, I wouldnt wish this on anyone but yes it helps to know you're not alone Makes you feel less crazy lol

Oh me too .... it does my head in when told to cheer up or calm down.... YOU JUST WANT TO SCREAM LEAVE ME ALONE.... that's why I recently decided to tell my a close circle of friends..... well I got my hubby to tell them lol I told him to tell them that i didnt want to discuss it but to just understand when I go whacky or look really down and to take my inappropriate jokes with a pinch of salt. Knowing they know, I feel less inclined to hide it (which takes way too much energy) and constantly explain myself. I am not asking for a pass to behave how I like.... I am just asking for some understanding and patience at times.

i know exactly what you are going through... my husband says he's sick of me being manic... but hes the reason i started only taking one mood stabilizer at night because he was sick of me being a zombie... then when im depressed... guess what? he gets sick of that too

I know what you mean kadesgirl. My man finally left me for the sake of his own physical and mental health. Since then he has become more supportive. A lot had to do with him finally reading some of the literature I was putting in his face so he could see it was just me. Now he sees my bipolar in the same light as his diabetes. It is a decease that needs to be managed but unlike diabetes the management isn't as clear cut. One can't just measure there blood sugar and take an exact dose of something to stablize the symptoms. It more complicated and hit and miss than that.

I hope your husband can appreciate the complexities and learn about BP so he can understand rather than complain. It is so important to have a loved one in your corner. My man may not be able to live with me but he has become my biggest source of support. He is really the only one in my life that gets it and I am really grateful to him for that.

Information is power. See if he won't take the time to become better informed. Hopefully that will help you both.

Take care

Hey Kadesgirl

It's like, WHAT THE HELL DO YOU WANT FROM ME !! How bloody frustrating it is to have your moods under scrutiny all the time. LEAVE ME ALONE!! I am what I am let me get on with it in my own way

Well just how lovely would that be? No such luck though huh? Well once I have that island I spoke of you are welcome to live there lol

I am sure they think we have control and can "snap" out of it if we so wished to.... well hey.... BLOODY HELL, show me the button and I will press it

Wishing you well.... take your hubby with a pinch of salt... unless you have BP, I dont think it's possible to understand what happens inside us.

Oooooh yes, information is power

yeah right... he is sick of hearing anything about bipolar... ecsp this web site... if he finds me on it again im in BIG trouble... lol ... but that island sounds nice

Well hell girl, what else can you do? BE YOU and dont feel bad for BEING YOU... you are obvioulsy seeking help and wish to deal with your "issues".... let him be sick with it... you cant worry about that,,,, you have enough to handle in your own mind...

BE FREE be YOU and dont feel bad for it....

A gift for you:

*****VIP PASS TO ISLAND*******

lol

and to hubby:

***** A MONTH OF RAPID CYCLING******* ----- then see how sick you really feel about it (jk)

hahahahahahaha... lmao

Oh I am glad you are laughing *hugs*

Deeeep breaths.... *hummmmmmmmmmmmmmm*

Ok so my mind has gone a bit blooopplbbliiippppppppp blooooop. blop again.

A PAINT FACTORY HAS JUST EXPLODED IN MY HEAD and its nearly my bed time lmao oooh this is going to be so much fun getting to sleep now

Ok time for MEDICATION.... yes... my friends will help me

I am also going to try and meditate.... ha ha ha GOOD LUCK WITH THAT ONE!!

Ok now I am laughing at myself lol

Ok this is how I feel right now whooop whooop! I AM FANTASTIC AND INSIGHTFUL AND SPECIAL AND LOVABLE... LOVE MEEEE YES LOVE MEEEE ALTHOUGH I DOUBT YOU WILL LOVE ME AS MUCH AS I LOVE MYSELF RIGHT NOW.....


*Reality check* ---- sicko calm down.

NOOOOOOO now I feel hyper.

Ok time for some music and a dance with my dog around the living room ....

party for one plus dog please sir?

Ok I am off before I spout EVEN MORE GARBAGE....

*dances out of pc*

I'm still getting adjusted to meds too. I woke up okay, but getting ready for work I started going down. The drive to work was just sooooooooo loooooooooooooooooong and when I got there I didn't want to do anything. I didn't want work. Calling my wife I told that I was sad and nothing really triggered it. She said, "Well just think of something happy and you will be happy." I love her so much, but I don't think she will get it anytime soon.

Oh wow... I get that one too. Just think happy thoughts. Tears flow when I hear that.... wishing and wishing they could just get that it isn't that simple. And if it is really that simple then I must really be a hopeless loser because it isn't that simple for me. But they can't really get it unless they experience it themselves and I would never wish that on anyone.

I have come to hate that word 'just'. I could write a book of all the 'just' statements I have heard. I try not to get upset about it because I know they are trying to help. I know it breaks their heart to see me like this. They know who I used to be before this last major crash 5 years ago that brought on the rapid cycling that really plays havok on everything.

Most of my life I had long episodes of mania or depression with good long periods of relative normal so it was easier to cope with the switch. The drama wasn't ripe everyday like it is now. I am on such a steady decline as more and more the everyday things become harder and harder to do that it is noticable to people and they can't help but want to say something to 'cheer' me up. They miss me being active and involved and hate to see me so isolated.

The latest one people have started to say when I am trying to explain how I am have difficulty coping and can't do this or that outing or activity that they want me to participate in is 'everybody feels that way sometimes. You are not unique that way' then of course the usual 'just come... you will feel better if you are around people... it will be good for you to get out.....' Again all I can think is if that is true then I am a hopeless loser because I can't cope with it day in and day out. Usually the conversation is on the phone so they don't see me cry and before it is obvious in my voice I find a way to say good bye. 'Thanks I will try' and then fall apart from the lonlienss of it all. I even try to take their advice sometimes but I am learning the hard way to trust my own judgement. If I am not up to engaging then I give myself permission not to bit off too much. Forcing it just makes things worse. They of course don't get that. Many have given up on me or get mad at me. Its no fun.