[Fire_Star]

Hi,

I've been away for awhile. Have had some nice 'normal'-ish days now that my lithium levels have become stable. However, I've been very stressed from studies and notice that I've started rapid cycling again.

But I'm mainly concerned that the things that are happening are hallucinations. I have a habit of brushing off any out of place things I hear or see briefly or sense. I just say I'm tried and/or my brain/eyes saw x thing that way for a reason because optical illusions are grand? So no big deal and nothing BP related... rational maybe? I'm starting to feel paranoid and seeing things in the corner of my eyes. And for some reason have this person I keep seeing in my head that I'm now starting to see 'in the flesh' for flashes at a time here and there.

Usually the closest I get to hallucinating is hearing music in my head that seems distance. Like an annoying neighbour with their stereo up. I haven't had any real scary stuff in years and my pdoc isn't aware of the past ones so hmm. Not sure what to do because I don't feel it's a major issue, but it's kind of creeping me out and my rational mind is telling me it is a major issue. But I can rationally tell it's not real, dammit. Sigh. I don't know! Also, disassociation, I hate you. </rant>

[Eloise42]

I don't want to further stress you out but seeing/hearing/glimpsing things that are not really there is, in my opinion, a major issue. I feel like I know what you are talking about, I've done hallucinogenic drugs and not had ANY hallucinations. But I have had them while sober and/or under the influence of psychotropic medications.

It is something you should talk to your doctor about as soon as you can. In the meantime you need to do everything possible to reduce your stress level. As a society we are addicted to, and even brag about our stress level.

Being anxious doesn't get you through the reading and writing any more efficiently. The problem isn't that you SHOULD relax, it is that you actually NEED to relax, stress is more harmful than most people usually think it is. Think about the difference between responding and reacting. Cut yourself a break, step back, zoom out, take some time to breathe, whatever it takes to separate yourself from the situation.

I remember the stress of mid-terms and finals but for the life of me I can't remember any specific assignments. And that was less than five years ago. Big picture those things don't really matter, take care of yourself and try to get through it, but taking care of yourself matters a lot more than grades or passing your classes.

[Fire_Star]

Yeah, I see what you're saying. I'm getting at tutor in this week to help with some things my head can't get around so hopefully that will help reduce stress! Otherwise I'll spend the week panicing. :/

I left off booking an appointment when I left my last one but I guess I better sort one out. Sigh, I was rather well a week ago when I saw my pdoc. I feel kind of bad for coming back a mess so soon. I'm so silly!

[nirmal]

Hi firestar,

You will proably say I am the one that is loony! I meditate every day, and I am into the spiritual side of life. What you are describing I also have. Feel like being watched, and seeing out of the corner movement or shadow, and when I turn to look, it disappears.

Some say that there are two different etheral beings, one low(the one that comes around) and the other high.

I also have songs in my head on a regular basis.

That´s all really, but some of your descriptions sound very close to mine. Then again, it may be bp, that nasty of the nastiness!

nirmal

I've been away for awhile. Have had some nice 'normal'-ish days now that my lithium levels have become stable. However, I've been very stressed from studies and notice that I've started rapid cycling again.

But I'm mainly concerned that the things that are happening are hallucinations. I have a habit of brushing off any out of place things I hear or see briefly or sense. I just say I'm tried and/or my brain/eyes saw x thing that way for a reason because optical illusions are grand? So no big deal and nothing BP related... rational maybe? I'm starting to feel paranoid and seeing things in the corner of my eyes. And for some reason have this person I keep seeing in my head that I'm now starting to see 'in the flesh' for flashes at a time here and there.

Usually the closest I get to hallucinating is hearing music in my head that seems distance. Like an annoying neighbour with their stereo up. I haven't had any real scary stuff in years and my pdoc isn't aware of the past ones so hmm. Not sure what to do because I don't feel it's a major issue, but it's kind of creeping me out and my rational mind is telling me it is a major issue. But I can rationally tell it's not real, dammit. Sigh. I don't know! Also, disassociation, I hate you. </rant>[/quote]

[musikcrazy]

I am the same way as far as seeing things and having the music in my head that keeps repeating over and over. In fact, I plan to talk to my pdoc next week about it. I think talking to your pdoc will help. It seems to be part of BPD.
I know that stress can make theses matters worse, so try to relax as much as possible. I would try breaking your studies down. I used to study for exams by writing bits of information on notecards. The writing would help curb some of the anxiety and I would have little cards to go back through when I was feeling better. You can do this!!!!

[Fire_Star]

@Nirmal: Aren't we all loony? ;-) I use to feel that way about I guess the little strange things in the past. I was more into (or maybe I was just really investigating) spirituality then so weird stuff happen wasn't a problem for the majority of the time.

I know that this sort of thing has happened over the years so it seems normal enough (for me) so I don't make a big deal of it when I see my pdoc. But I've pretty much lost touch of what is suppose to be normal now.

[Typo]

(((((((((Fire Star)))))))))))

Your pdoc needs to know if your having hallucinations, it's a serious thing, I have had hallucinations and disllusions before and it's a major sign there is too much stress going on!

Eloise had a great post about reducing your stress level, and meditation everyday as Nirmal mentioned is a good idea too

I know hallunciations aren't fun, espically when you have to sit and aruge with yourself over them (been there myself) please talk to your health care team about this so they can help you, and take gentle care of yourself

Best Wishes
Typo

[nirmal]

Hi Fire Star,

I wonder if anybody knows what is "normal." The planet Earth is full of turmoil, chaos,and catastrophes on a daily basis. No wonder people get confused!

What I try to do is to follow my "gut instinct," to tell me what is good for me, or bad. It´s all about trusting your instinct. Also I try to be mindful during the day which brings peace and understanding.

Nirmal


@Nirmal: Aren't we all loony? ;-) I use to feel that way about I guess the little strange things in the past. I was more into (or maybe I was just really investigating) spirituality then so weird stuff happen wasn't a problem for the majority of the time.

I know that this sort of thing has happened over the years so it seems normal enough (for me) so I don't make a big deal of it when I see my pdoc. But I've pretty much lost touch of what is suppose to be normal now. [/quote]

[Fire_Star]

The other thing I guess that prevents me from talking to my pdoc about it is I pretty much always have clear rational thoughts. What lead me seeing anyone about my health and getting dx with bipolar was due to a series of events where i was barely in touch with reality and felt as though someone/thing was prompting me to do x,y and z. But even when it kind of seemed as though it were voices in my heard of sorts, I can still 'hear' my own thinking going, 'what you're about to do is irrational - why the hell are you doing that?'. It seemed like how you would normally have thoughts in your head, like when you don't want to say something out loud. So it was normal in the middle of a lot of not real things. :/ But it wasn't possible to act in the way the rational thinking was wanting to happen regardless.

I just don't understand how I can have clear rational thoughts while looking at something that I've concluded isn't real or doing things against rational thoughts that doubt it. :/

[nirmal]

Hi Firestar,

I´ve read your post several times, and I can´t make out what you are saying? Please inform me!
nirmal

[Fire_Star]

Hah - I'm not sure I even know! Was tired that night.

I think I was wondering if people still can have 'normal/rational' thinking while doing physical/verbal actions against what the normal thoughts say/think? Like your trapped in your body with your normal thinking while you watch yourself go do things you don't want to do.

For me, when I really start to lose touch with reality, I still seem to 'think normally' but I seem to have a second mind thinking to do other things and those messages go out to my body. It just seems like if I can have normal thoughts still coming through, I should be in more control then I am. :/ Shouldn't normal thoughts disappear when reality seems to?! Gah, there be no logic.

[nirmal]

Hi Fire Star,

I´ve been thinking of your post, and I got the idea that maybe what you are describing, may be like watching a movie? You are thinking rationally, but you see things on the screen that you know it isn´t for real? Is this what you are talking about? I have understood that when somebody is
loosing the grip of realty that they have no idea they are psychotic, and
has lost the ability to think rationally. So, I don´t think the two occur at the same time, but I could be wrong. I haven´t dealt with this, so I may be way out of line. Only trying to help!

Hah - I'm not sure I even know! Was tired that night.

I think I was wondering if people still can have 'normal/rational' thinking while doing physical/verbal actions against what the normal thoughts say/think? Like your trapped in your body with your normal thinking while you watch yourself go do things you don't want to do.

For me, when I really start to lose touch with reality, I still seem to 'think normally' but I seem to have a second mind thinking to do other things and those messages go out to my body. It just seems like if I can have normal thoughts still coming through, I should be in more control then I am. :/ Shouldn't normal thoughts disappear when reality seems to?! Gah, there be no logic.[/quote]

[Fire_Star]

Yes, kind of like that. Damn my loony fits being too hard to explain. :P

[questionable]

Fire, do you mean sort of like, knowing that your experiences/thoughts are not actually rational and yet adhering to them anyway? I get that. I know something is totally nuts, but I feel compelled to go with it anyways. Like I'll think there are important people spying on me and yet know, rationally, at the same time there are not and still act like they are (just in case!).

I also get where I am so impulsive, that while I know something is irrational, by the time I realize what I'm doing, I've already done it!

[Fire_Star]

Originally Posted by questionable

Fire, do you mean sort of like, knowing that your experiences/thoughts are not actually rational and yet adhering to them anyway? I get that. I know something is totally nuts, but I feel compelled to go with it anyways. Like I'll think there are important people spying on me and yet know, rationally, at the same time there are not and still act like they are (just in case!).

I also get where I am so impulsive, that while I know something is irrational, by the time I realize what I'm doing, I've already done it!

Yeah, that's pretty much it usually.

[Phoenix1985]

Originally Posted by Fire_Star

Usually the closest I get to hallucinating is hearing music in my head that seems distance. Like an annoying neighbour with their stereo up.

Thats what I get. Inly three times in the past year, but since they have only started in that time my psychiatrist is concerned that I may be heading for a full blowm psychotic episode.

[jayy46]

you know, thats been happening to me a lot too!! i believe that for me, its probably because of my drug abuse, but it is a major issue in my opinion. i mean this is even happening when im sober. soo idk but its great knowing someone relates to this!

[Fire_Star]

Going to see my pdoc this Friday. I'm worried I might be slowly becoming psychotic again and with exams coming up, I'm going to be stressed out of my mind so it's going to be fun. ><

And yeah jayy46, I find it helpful knowing someone else can relate too. Certainty helps me figure out what it is so I can get it together enough to explain it to my pdoc. >>

[la doctora]

I know what you are saying. I did something terrible and stupid last year. I knew it was terrible and stupid while I was doing it, but I did it anyway. It's like having the angel on one shoulder and the devil on the other. There is a voice of reason, but there is also a voice that tells me its ok to do the terrible and stupid thing. I don't know what to do about it. I hope I never do something so stupid again. I don't think I will, but I didn't think I would the first time either. Sigh... You aren't alone.

[Fire_Star]

Yeah, la doctora, it's a pain! For me, I barely remember what I've done. I remember fragments of it that seem like I'm just recalling a dream. My boyfriend just tells me whatever I did/he stop me from doing the next day and I go HUHHHHHH?