Secret Craving to be Cared For

Musikcrazy "I think the thoughts of being hurt may mean that we want to feel pain in another way so that people can see it instead of feeling so trapped inside of our bodies. " - I think this hits home.
I just feel guilty for feeling this way, as I didn't have a childhood of abuse, my family is very much still together. If my parents didn't show me "enough" love it certainly wasn't intentional, so why should I behave this way?
I freak out when my boyfriend comes home late cos I'll be alone and I feel I'm not loved. This is all a crazy response really.

I think you're right about wanting the emotional pain to become physical. People understand (and respect) physical pain a lot more than emotional pain, so perhaps it is just a desire to make our needs understood. The other likely explanation is that feeling of exhaustion and just wanting to let go for a while...

Yeah, Medicated, I agree that musikrazy put it very well. Was thinking this morning that for those of us who keep the bipolar thing from others (employers, friends, family etc) for various reasons -- and that is a lot of us -- there is the additional burden of keeping up the mask. And that adds an extra layer of exhaustion and pressure from people who otherwise might be able to cut some slack (ie. care for in some measure). Does that make sense?

My biggest mask right now is trying to find work. I'm having trouble enough getting anywhere putting on the very best mask in the closet, but know full well that that is the only way. It's exhausting and makes me feel like a liar. And in every other regard but trying to hide the BP, I'm ridiculously honest. It's emotionally exhausting. And that's before even having to perform a job day to day... Ugh.

With physical issues, the needs for accomodation can be more obvious and it's hard not to think, "if only...". Which sounds perverse, but it's not the wishing for affliction, but the conveyance of the need for care, isn't it?

musikcrazy, I understood when you said, "lately I have found myself wanting my therapist to 'rescue' me from the horrible thoughts and feelings". Sometimes when I am very sick and suffering and have an appointment with my psychologist or psychiatrist or both together, I have this feeling that I want to go in there and DEMAND that they give me relief in some way, make it better, take the agony away. It's understandable as when I am like that I am in deep suffering and as others said, that has gone of for YEARS and we get so very tired. But also, for me, it's about being immature. It's my sometimes tendancy the DEMAND things. These clincians are the absolute BEST I have ever had and they are working, I am absolutely certain at a rate of 100% to help me.

If, on the other hand, which has happened for extensive periods in the past, psychologists and psychiatrists are terrible in their standard of care and have not only had a neutral effect on me - but actively destructive, I WOULD go in and make demands, or at least keep escalating my requests for help and be more assertive.

So...I had the chance to be "cared for" and took it (before I was diagnosed BPII and could rationalize with myself). I quit my job, packed up my stuff and walked away from my life. Now I feel like an ungrateful little troll because I'm still not happy. Everything is a trade-off, right? I hated the real world....scrounging for change to eat...so depressed I could barely function.

My boyfriend takes care of pretty much all of the real-world stuff I hated. In exchange, I now live a secluded, sheltered life with a slightly controlling person. To tell you the truth, sometimes I hate it, but then I remember that I don't want to deal with the real world, either...I moved out at 16...worked..college...modeled...was married/divorced. Very brutal childhood...took care of my Mom (blackout alcoholic). So when the chance came up, I took it. Now I feel totally dependent.

You're not alone.

I'm so torn between wanting to go to hospital and also being "scared" (I've been, so I know what to expect).
Also personally, I just feel I'm not making too much headway with meds and doctors, and feel that hospital would be a waste of my time, and money. And It would leave a real stigma.

Innerzone...this is how I feel alot of the time. it's the main reason that at age 25, I've decided to remain single...

My emotions are so physically draining and the masks I wear are high maintainance. I can't imagine having to deal with someone else's feelings, and if I must admit, I can't imagine having to put someone through the ordeal of having to put up with mine...

You really nailed it!

Oh my Lord do I relate to you guys. When I have a confident moment, I'll think, I'm a decent, intelligent, honest person, surely someone out there would love me (in a romantic relationship I mean - well in any relationship - I've lost everyone!! lol). But when I'm down, like I am today, I think, no decent, intelligent man would want me with my massive baggage and incapacity to work etc. and any man with as severe problems as I have wouldn't be a good fit as we'd be too sick for each other!! I haven't been in a proper relationship for 15 years. Up until 11 years ago I was a blackout drinker, so aside from 4 years with a great guy in my 20's, and sleezy contacts with men when I was drunk, there hasn't been a decent man in my life - any man for that matter, for a long long time.

I'm 43, 44 this year so the path of my addiction (11 years sober), my mental illnesses and long-term mis-prescription by psychiatrists has meant I'm too old to have kids. I have such deep and profound grief over that, although I am glad I never had kids like my parents did, to drag them through such horror of an alcoholic home, that their four kids ended up alcoholics with mental illness. It doesn't stop the pain though - it's visceral, it will be with me to the day I die, even if I find other ways to be a mother, like with little Teddy Bear the Cat (all 2.9kg and 10 years old of her - a miracle of the Universe), or other ways like being a volunteer etc. I've had to start learning not to talk to people about this subject in real life though, as the things they say just rip my soul apart - they readily quip - "Just get some guy to get you pregnant", "Just do IVF", "Just get a baby from overseas like they do in Hollywood". And often these suggestions are given with peals of laughter. Yeh, it's really funny. So I'm on a journey to find peace on that one.

One advantage of being a "woman of a certain age" and past the point of being able to have kids, with dating, is that I am no longer in a hurry to find someone in terms of the biological clock so I can take my time. I can choose if I want to date casually, be open to a longer term relationship - or be a Cougar!! lol

Oh, me again, I guess one other good thing is that I NEVER have fantasies about finding a guy to look after me and take over looking after my needs. That TERRIFIES me. I know that's because I have been abandoned or abused by so many people that there is very little trust - my problem will be to even trust a guy, just a little bit - to take that emotional risk. I feel like the Midday Movie of the Week - Woman Who Doesn't Trust. lol

It IS scary to check in...but if you need to be safe, GO!

WendyAussie - hats off to you - you are stronger than you realise.

I for some reason really battle with being alone. Be it for a few hours at home, or to not be in a relationship. In November, I will have been with my boyfriend for 6 years (Bar a half year, complicated break!). Even when things go up and down, I'd rather stick it out than leave.
I've only recently been dx'd and I think it scared him, due to his assumptions of what it meant. But I have to explain to him when he pushes triggers, upsets me, when I'm feeling down, when I jsut don't want to socialise. It's very important that he walks this road WITH me. And while he's not the type of person to be my rock, he's getting there. We definitely need those people in our life

sugarhorse, my hat is off to you - to continue to be in a loving relationship while dealing with a serious mental illness. I hope to be like you in that regard.