in a MAJOR funk

Oh dear gosh I can not get out of this funk. My anxiety is high, my pill isn't helping, I can't stop thinking, my low is really really really low and I can't get out of it.
I want, so badly, to just be alone....just by myself. I can't let the hubby know, he worries and would want to talk...but I don't want to "talk". I want to sit here, in my bed, on my laptop, coming here to try to figure out what the heck I can do.
I feel such desperation that I haven't felt in a long time. I know, I know in my heart that I will get through this, but sometimes the waiting is just too hard. I want to sleep through it. I don't want to wake up until this horrible nightmare is over.
I have T on Tuesday, but it seems soooo far away.
I am having bad dreams and can't eat..I just can't. I made breakfast, had a piece of toast and 3 bites of my meal....that was it. I can't eat anymore. It is 2pm, my nephew is coming over tonight to hang out with my son. It's going to be hard to have two boys here at the same time.
OMG I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!

OK, I am done....I just want this to end....I just want it over with.
I wish someone could take it all away. Just flush it down the toilet.

Hold on to Tuesday when you see T, it will come soon.

Hopefully the boys will keep themselves amused, if not maybe they will keep your mind off things.

Be gentle with you and talk here if you need.

Hugs (((((((( onlymedid )))))))))

Thanks Peg, I am trying...so very hard. It is just the worst feeling in the world.
Yeah, the boys are 10 and 12. They are getting pizza tonight so I don't have to cook. Hopefully, they will just play video games!

I am so thankful for PC because I can say anything here. I feel so alone, even with my husband and son in the house. I can't say anything to anyone because I just know they will worry too much. I won't even let myself cry or punch my pillow because I don't want them to know.

I can't WAIT for T on Tuesday. A little over 48 hours away....yeah I'm counting the time.

I have the biggest lump in my throat...the anxiety is killing me. It's like it's tearing away at my insides. It hurts so badly. I just don't understand why "I" am Bipolar. Why me? *sigh*
Thank you so much for the hugs....I need them right now

I'm sorry you are in such pain onlymedid but I'm so glad to hear your confidence about getting through it. Are you also seeing a psychiatrist? If your meds are not working maybe it is time for an adjustment. Hang in there,shaggy.

I'm sorry you're feeling so low! I hope this will pass soon, and I hope that your T will be able to help.

Thank you Grizmom.

One thing that really stuck with me from "obedience school" (hehe...) was what one doc said to me....after I told him, flat-out that I'd hidden symptoms for years because I just couldn't accept I was BPII.

We discussed how, intellectually, I understood it all...emotionally, I couldn't grasp it. He explained it as: You have to know how to figure out which is the bipolar and which is you. You have to outsmart yourself. Most bipolar patients are incredibly bright - my brightest - and you must learn to outsmart your illness. " It kind of stuck with me like a little challenge....

My friends/family always remind me that I pull through the low times, and eventually I start to believe them when they're right every time. I'm so lucky for the support - perhaps you have someone in your life who can cite very bad lows that you made it through?

It helps when someone reminds me of a certain time....that was a dark, dark place...and it changed. It always will change with bipolar....you just have to keep yourself safe until the winds change. I know you have to watch kiddies right now, but please just do one thing for yourself....I don't know where you're at in the low, but sometimes a shower is a big chore for me =P Mom always pushes me to get into the shower...even when I whine over the phone about it...she says, "I promise, it will make you feel just a little bit better". And it does. Just remember you get through these times. xoxo

Hope that helps in some, small way. Hugs.

(I'm sorry I use personal experiences to relate...it just really helped me).

Thank you PufNStuf. That is how I feel, I "know" that I am Bipolar, I "know" the symptoms and I "know" that eventually it will pass, but emotionally, I have the hardest time. I just don't friggin' get it. I think what your doc said make a lot of sense...I just wish I could figure it out right now!

My husband ended up coming into the room and we talked a bit. I told him that I don't want to be around or talk to anyone. I just want to stay in my room until I feel "better". He kept reminding me that I won't feel this way forever. I know that, but I am having a hard time dealing with the now...today.

That is the only thing keeping me around, the fact that I know it is going to change. You are right, it always does. I took a shower today, I didn't yesterday. I ate a small peach because my husband said I can't just keep going with no food....it'll make everything worse. I am pretty freakin' low right now.... actually really low. I hate waiting out this feeling, it's like watching water turn to ice, it takes FOREVER.

I cannot WAIT until T on Tuesday. I wish I could see her twice. I have so much crap that it won't all fit in 50 minutes.

You helped a LOT and I really appreciate your personal experiences and the quote from your doc and the hugs.

I think coming here, hearing that I am not alone and that people really do care helps. I often forget that I am not alone, there are so many people like me.

I think it's imperative you talk to your husband. Let him understand where you're at and what you're feeling. He will be the one who can support you the most when you are really down.
I'd just try sleep through these patches of feeling down. You've been here before, and you know that you will feel better in a few days. Hold on to this and be positive.

I feel it helps me a lot to just rant and rave here too - this forum is so full of inspiration and support and it really just pulls you from the depths when you feel you cannot go on anymore.

The lows are horrible. More horrible if I lay down and succumb to them. I have to force myself up and it pisses me off but i feel better if i can get my mind on anything else but the being in that deep dark well that swallows me up. Remember and tell yourself "this too shall pass" it helps me. I still have days where i want sleep to take me away! My boyfriend will ask whats wrong and i tell him im so sad today he asks why and i tell him i can't tell him why, because usually i dont have a definate reason i just feel!!!!! then he allows me to go to bed. I love that he allows me to cope the only way i know how to, it is reassuring to know that he understands(to the best of his ability, as he is not bipolar, he does read and study about bipolar though) and allows me to let it pass. You will be fine, hold on you dont have long now!!!!

Thank you, Shaggy. Yeah, I am seeing a Nurse Practitioner. She just started giving me Tenex for my anxiety, but I don't think it's working. I see her on Thursday and will talk to her then about it.

Sugahorse, I talked to him a little last night, but I just can't tell him "everything" because I can only lean on him so much. I just have a hard time when someone isn't Bipolar...they just don't completely understand.

I haven't been sleeping well at all...maybe that's part of the problem. I just keep telling myself that eventually things will feel better....one day.

It totally helps to come here because people really understand, have been there and are super supportive.
Thank you!

I am finally...alone...in my room again! Thank GOODNESS. I am listening to Rascal Flatts and crying...because I just need to! Why do I feel guilty about it? I should be out there with my husband and son. I HATE bipolar..I HATE IT! I just want to kick and scream...throw a tantrum...so badly. I told my husband that I wanted to stop ALL of my meds and just start over...clean slate...figure out what is working and what isn't because something is CLEARLY not working.
I just...don't feel safe enough, ya know? Like, I'm safe, but....IDK...just not "enough" if that makes sense. No, I am not going to do anything (just to make sure everyone knows). I feel like I can't make sense at all....to anyone.. GRRRRRR!!! >:-(

Sorry to hear things have not got better. Do not feel guilty - it is not your decision to feel this way, and you unfortunately cannot will it away. I think it's imperative you speak to your nurse practitioner about the anxiety, and maybe request some sleeping tabs too.

Hugs and strength to you!!

Thanks, I try not to feel guilty, it's just hard. I am going to see my NP on Thursday, I think I can hold out that long. I am on sleeping meds already...they help when taken with everything else, but when they wear off, I wake up alot in the night. We'll see what she says on Thursday.

Thank you so much for the hugs and strength because I need them both a ton right now!

are you currently working? Can you afford to just curl up in bed and sleep? Take a sleeping tab whenever you need.

Alternatively try and get your mind busy thinking about anything except your emotions. Take a walk or run. Do some brain teasers, watch funny You Tube clips. just keep occupied.

Yeah, I am working. I already took a lot of time off so I could have surgery, but I just left today. I told my boss and HR about what's going on. I am going to try to get FMLA and short term disability until this crap passes.
I will try to stay occupied....it's hard. I just called my NP and I told her that I know I am seeing her on Thursday, but I can't wait that long. I have T today, but it feels like forever away.
I am so so so so so down right now. It's probably the worst it's been in a very long time. I am at the very bottom of the roller coaster and I can't get back up.
Thank you for the suggestions, I am going to try to look at LOLcats and funny youtube videos...I have to try to eat, too....so hard to do ANYTHING right now. I just want to sleep. I will once my np calls.
Thanks again sugahorse, I appreciate it!!!!

Onlymedid,

I just wanted to let you know I'm thinking about you! Is there anyway you can sleep until your T appt? What did the NP's office say when you said you couldn't wait?! They should have emergency appts. available =(

Please eat something...I always hate to when I feel like that, but sometimes it really can make you feel better...even if it's toast.

xoxo

Thank you so much PufNStuf. My NP has her own phone line, so I left her a message...hopefully she'll call soon. I want to sleep, but I don't want to fall asleep and have her call and wake me up...it makes for a grumpy me!
I just can't eat. Like, my stomach is grumbling, but I feel sick at the same time. I will try to eat a piece of toast in a bit. I just took my anti-anxiety med and am hoping it will help, but it usually takes away the anxiety and then I get angry...I hate it.
I want to stop taking ALL of my meds and start all over again. GRRRR...I know I can't do that, but I sure wish I could.
Thank you for everything, everyone. It helps to get ideas and to be able to talk through this. I just couldn't concentrate at work....I was too distracted by my thoughts. Thank goodness I work for a good company, they are very understanding.

I slept for 2 hours and feel even more tired now than I did before I slept. Only 2 hours til T....yes I am counting down. NP still hasn't called back and I'm disappointed. I still haven't eaten, I have a pounding headache and I am just....here. I have no feelings like anger, sadness, nothing....I'm numb. WTH? I just need to go away for a while...take a vacation until this whole thing goes away....I'm so tired.