[greylove]

I'm not sure if I'm asking a question or just putting this out there because it's on my mind so much now. I got my bipolar 1 diagnosis quite recently, but not until after I went through severe mania, severe depression, and a suicide attempt, all for the first time. I'm recovering from multiple injuries (car into tree thing) and I'm seeing both a therapist and a psychatrist. I'm trying so hard to accept all this and move on to a better place in my mind. I know that I have layers of emotions to peel back and go through. I guess the biggest right now is grief for who I was.....for the normalcy of the life I used to have. For my basic identity.....for my intact physical self. I'm so grateful to be alive but much has been permanently altered. My injuries could have been much worse and I know that.....but......

I have to keep reminding myself that I was ill and delusional.

The other issue is feeling defective.....feeling incompetent.....no longer capable of handling much by myself. I know many people get the diagnosis and life goes on the same, or nearly so, but mine can't. I lost my job, my license is suspended (I'm not in a hurry to start driving again) and I no longer feel like me. I'm working with a great therapist who is encouraging me to look at all the positive things I AM accomplishing and, (depending on what day of the week it is,) I know I'm making progress but I have a long way to go.

I'm struggling with this.....it's new and relatively late in life. I'm too much of a positive person to not hope for and expect a good outcome.....but I guess there are no shortcuts to getting there. All the best to anyone who can identify.

greylove

[TheDawn]

Can totally relate! I feel like you're telling my story! You're right, there are no shortcuts, but you're doing all the right things and I'm proud of you. You say your life "can't" go on the same and you're right. However, that just means you can find a new road.

Five years ago, my husband of 13 years left me for my "best friend." I found myself feeling and doing just as you. My life, dreams, job, everything was lost. Ended up moving in with Mom and Dad with my 3 children. I remember staying in bed all day and crying, wanting the nightmare to end. Like you, I'm a positive person, but at that point in my life it was HARD to be positive.

What did I do? Took my medicine, kept my doctors appointments, made myself get out of bed, got a minimum wage job, and take care of my children. Was it easy? NO!! Today, I am happily remarried, enjoying raising my kids, and have great career. I still struggle, but I won't give up!! Never give up, greylove, you can do it!!

For over 20 years, I have battled this illness. The fight with BP is no different than the fight with any other illness or disability. One's attitude can greatly influence how victorious one in their fight. You will be victorious!!!

All the best to you too, greylove!

[Medicated]

Oh greylove... Sorry you've had such a rough time of things lately. The good news is that you've been diagnosed and now you'll get the help you need.

I can completely relate on the feeling incompetent thing. I think most of the people on this board can relate. Bipolar can be very damaging. It took me six years to finish undergrad because of it. It also almost ruined my graduate career when I was hospitalized for a major depressive episode last fall. I often feel that, because of my illness, I just can't live up to what the world expects of me and my peers.

Like you, I have also felt a real sense of inadequacy. I have mourned over a loss of functionality and independence. I have hated the fact that I need to swallow so many pills every day of my life and that I have constant appointments. I have been embarrassed by the stigma associated with mental illness. It shouldn't still exist, but it does.

My main point though is that you're not at all alone. There are lots of friendly people on these boards who can relate to just about anything that anyone is going through. Never hesitate to come here when you need a listening ear to understand. We're in this together!

Originally Posted by Medicated

I can completely relate on the feeling incompetent thing. I think most of the people on this board can relate. Bipolar can be very damaging. It took me six years to finish undergrad because of it. It also almost ruined my graduate career when I was hospitalized for a major depressive episode last fall. I often feel that, because of my illness, I just can't live up to what the world expects of me and my peers.

<Raises hand>. Oh yes. I never did finish. Major depression hit, dropped out and every subsequent episode was brushed under the rug. I, and those around me, just blamed me for not having enough self-control or ability to "snap out of it". (Did manage a 2 year degree 10 years later.) Because of being diagnosed so late (and previously being misdiagnosed with MDD -- the self-blame continued when the ADs made things worse...I really felt altogether defective), I never mourned the loss of normalcy. After all, those 26 years weren't normal. I very much DO mourn the loss of so many years when I might've stood a better chance if I'd had care. But that's what sweeping it under the rug did.
Boy, medicated, did you ever hit it on the head when you said about not being able to live up to what the world expects. That is one thing life has taught me, and try as I might, still very much struggle with. For me that's been the hardest aspect of acceptance.
greylove, at least we've all got each other...

[JourneyUpward]

Greylove, I am sorry for what you've been through. I can totally relate like the others who answered. Lost my confidence, lost some mental capacity in the last 3 years, inadequate, grieving for who I once was when I appeared to be normal 85 % of the time. That was chalked up to moodiness and stubborness. Etc, etc. You know the deal too well. So yes, greylove. You are in good company and not alone. This community is awesome so I hope you keep coming by.

[bmx35]

I can relate Greylove. I too was diagnosed recently and quite late in my life...the feeling of incompetency, shame over the stigma...the feeling of FAILURE was so overwhelming and unbearable during my episode. My only regret was that I was not diagnosed earlier. Had I known early, I wouldn't have made some of the decisions I have made that made life quite difficult for me and my family.
The good news is by knowing, I can now pick the pieces of my life once again. It is a hard 'rising up from a terrible fall' but it is possible. In the meantime...take your time to heal...Good luck to you.

[grizmom]

Actually, I wish I could relate to this. My episodes started with deep depressions and the primary insomnia when I was about 8 years old and the hypomania, anorexia, anxiety, and PTSD kicked in at about 15 years old. I wasn't diagnosed until I was 17 years old (my parents thought I was just a lazy brat) so I never had any "normal" life that I can remember.

I can relate to the feelings of incompetence and feeling defective though. I'm grateful that I found this board; at least I don't feel so alone anymore.

[sugahorse1]

Greylove - I think you need to try and not think of yourself as incompetent. Right now you have done the right thing and handed yourself over i.e. your therapist is helping you with your mental wellbeing, while you pdoc is ensuring the medicine keeps you stable.
You were only recently dx'd - give the medicine an opportunity to work, and unfortunately you need to be patient to work out the correct combo of meds too. You are not an incompetent person - it is a temporary state while you learn to accept and deal with it. There are many people on here that hold down high-profile careers and have families - there is definitely hope.
You've overcome a major hurdle in letting yourself go to therapy and to a pdoc. You have not let pride get in the way and sought help.

Feel free to PM me or post on here - we will support you every step of the way. It'll just be a matter of time and you will be able to take control of your life again!

(((HUGS)))

[greylove]

Thank you so much to those of you who have replied to my message. Thank you for sharing.....for letting me know I'm not the only one. This is my first (or maybe my second) venture onto these forums, and it's wonderful to to get such sharing and support. None of us are alone.....I will remember this. Thank you for lifting me up.

Hugs to all,
greylove