[sugahorse1]

I actually hate this so much; cos I just cannot feel. There's slight anxiety, so I feel I should take a Benzo to get through the day. I'm already craving for the weekend to get here. there doesnt seem to be any structure to my day, so I'm just floating. I'm definitely getting enough sleep.
Was pointed in the direction of researching BPD vs BP 2, and now that feels like it's opened a whole new can of worms.

i kind of feel like i need a hug, but then again have totally withdrawn from some people that are actually quite important to me. I'm feeling terribly sorry for myself, think i'm upsetting people around me continuously and therefore am apologising.
i just dont know where i'm at...?

trying to do some work in between this confusion...

[PufNStuf]

I usually do that...constantly apologize. Is there a reason you feel as though you're BPI rather than BPII? I'm sorry you're feeling badly, Suga. If you feel as though you need to relax a little, I don't see how it would hurt to take a benzo if they help.

Have you given any of those close to you literature on BPD? Do they know you're BP? Sometimes it's really liberating to come clean to those you love about it....a lot are more understanding that I could have imagined.

Get this: it wasn't until I was inpatient that BF told me HE was BPI!!!! There's such a stigma.

[sugahorse1]

Sorry, to clarify: I mean Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) vs Bipolar (BP) 2.

I've told some people, but my brain feels like hogwash right now, but it's almost like I get some sense of satisfaction putting the garbage in my head on paper/into e-mail.
I honestly am beginning to look at myself like a freak. I'm feeling very sorry for myself, I don't want to drain people, but I feel I need some form of attention in order to get through this day.
I want to climb into a hole, but I feel lonely.

[PufNStuf]

Originally Posted by sugahorse

Sorry, to clarify: I mean Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) vs Bipolar (BP) 2.

I've told some people, but my brain feels like hogwash right now, but it's almost like I get some sense of satisfaction putting the garbage in my head on paper/into e-mail.
I honestly am beginning to look at myself like a freak. I'm feeling very sorry for myself, I don't want to drain people, but I feel I need some form of attention in order to get through this day.
I want to climb into a hole, but I feel lonely.

Uh-oh. I've been using BPD to mean "Bipolar Disorder" Oops. I'm sorry, Suga.

It does help to put it out there, doesn't it? It does for me. I think it does give you more control when you're actively engaging in the behavior analyzation.

I'm guessing it's nighttime there...those are always the worst. It will get better.

[sugahorse1]

Actually, it's Mid-day, just after 12PM, and I'm about to go into a "serious" monthly meeting.

[Trippin2.0]

I've been asking the same question for weeks...BPD/BP? Doctor confirmed BPII, yet I'm still worried about having BPD added to my list. Things I've read in the forum speak volumes...take a look at the info below. I've changed text color where applicable to myself...

A person with this disorder will also often exhibit impulsive behaviors and have a majority of the following symptoms:

• Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment
• A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation
• Identity disturbance, such as a significant and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self
• Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)
• Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior
• Emotional instability due to significant reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)
• Chronic feelings of emptiness
• Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)
• Transient, stress-related paranoid thoughts or severe dissociative symptoms(that's me right now...everything's so surreal, like my body's on autopilot, no idea what's going on around me, it's like here, but at the same time not...) Dunno if that makes sense...

SO I EXPERIENCE ALL THE ABOVE
Anyway, my intention was not to hog your post with my self-pity!!!

I just wanted to say that I understand...
Hope you feel better soon Suga, (sorry I'm not much help today...)

>>>>>>>HUGS<<<<<<<

[sugahorse1]

Trippin - it's 99% me too!
flip, I'm really cracking up again today. Think it's no longer a mixed episode but now heading back towards depression.

I HATE IT - I just want it to end!!!

[Trippin2.0]

I think I'm starting to snap out of it...FINALLY!

Don't feel so ZONKED from the pills anymore... but I think my mind is slowly moving toward my body again...strange,I know...

I just feel so apart from my surroundings, like my mind and body are wondering around separately... I was strolling around aimlessly this morning for 2 hours, making idle convo. and had an early lunch, all without actually "DECIDING" to do so...like I'd just find myself doing stuff, like autopilot was on, like I was literally going with the flow, except who or what was "the flow"? ...I know that makes NO sense, but right now, I MAKE NO SENSE! I just showed my supervisor how to perform some strange task on a program and I didn't even KNOW HOW TO DO IT!
HOW DID I DO THAT???

I'm freaking myself out a bit, and I KNOW I'm freaking out those closest to me...better go home soon...
HUGS to u suga

[sugahorse1]

I just need someone to talk me through this, to say something uplifting and just walk next to me until this phase passes.

[Trippin2.0]

There so many comforting things I wanna say to you, but I feel so emotionally retarded, and completely hypocritical, so instead of contradicting myself found this instead, hope you like it...


GIANT BEAR HUGS SUGAHORSE!!!!

[sugahorse1]

Thanks Trippin - that's very sweet.
I think I just hit a wobbly - which lasted about 6 hours. Took a walk outside and had a smoke, apologised to all that I needed to, and doing OK right now

[Trippin2.0]

Glad to hear it's going a bit better...guess what, my meds are only arriving on Friday...my increase has been postponed till next month, colleagues are up in arms here...I'm THIS close to walking out...geez, when can I ever catch a break?

My mood's a bit better tho, I think my mind and body is in the same spot right now...but now I'm tired and easily overwhelmed...all this thinking, feeling, thinking about the feelings, it's taking it's toll on me...I jis wanna go vacation in oblivion U think there's a google map for it?

RAMBLE RANT RAMBLE RANT, Gosh I'm so sick of my own mental/verbal mess, can only imagine how you must feel...I really wanna say intelligible, meaningful things....instead...

[sugahorse1]

I think i lost it yeaterday - the feeling of nothingness was finally overtaken by anxiety and irritation, with me lashing out at colleagues, nearly bursting into tears and .... I just don't know anymore

[Trippin2.0]

Geez, I thought I was the only 1 on that trip yesterday Nearly took my bag and left! Luckily remembered that for now, I need this job...

Woke up a new person
Even feeling positive about BEING BP!!!! Like how you and other PC'ers have advised it's a "light" step in the right direction, how meds can HELP, so I'm feeling positive now...

It will get better my dear, trust that the only constant is change , so you WILL get through the uncertainty, PM me if you feel the need. I promise I'm better at articulation and empathy today

Sending lots of HUGS your way, for comfort, understanding, and support!

[grizmom]

Lots of hugs for you both!!!

[Fencer]

****, sorry guys, but I start to get anxious too. Trippin what you wrote and highlighted seems to be all that I am, too. The emoitonal and relational things... How did your doc related to when you told him you fear you are BPD?

[Fencer]

Suga, also wanted to say sorry to hear that you feel so bad. Feeling of emptiness happens to me too, too often and constant. Ia m actually having my first "real" day in weeks, the first day in which I feel part of this world... i does help to speak things out and discuss them here... hope it brought you some relief since yesterday, too

[Skully]

I can't stand it when I go into mixed episodes. I never know exactly how I fell or which is up anymore. Thank goodness I am stable on my meds now or I think I would have ended up in the hospital by now. Maybe so med adjustments are in order for you?

[Trippin2.0]

How did your doc related to when you told him you fear you are BPD?

I DIDN'T TELL THE PDOC!!!
Thought we could handle me, 1 mess at a time
Still wrapping my head around my BPII dx, can't handle anymore on my plate right now. know what I mean??

Also, I'm thinking, maybe I can learn to not be all those things I highlighted?, I don't know, I just know I wanna do this 1 baby step at a time, 1 breath at a time...I don't want to overwhelm myself and then regret rejecting the ant-anxiety meds he wanted to prescribe...I'm thinking if I can do this slowly, I can avoid freaking out...
but maybe that's the over-confident manic me talking? I really don't know, I'm still figuring this (me) out...

Thanks guys for your support,concern, well wishes and understanding
PS. Hope my grammar and structure was better today