I have no purpose

I am | | this close, to just getting my psych to put me on out on disability indefinitely. I have to have a meeting with HR tomorrow at work, and they're going to tell me I should do paper work for FMLA, so I think I'm going to do it, and be like "this starts monday, right?" I am just beyond the point of actually caring about my job anymore since they've taken away all of the work I used to do every month, making me do work I didn't even do when I was a freakin' intern, pretty much giving me all the crap work that nobody else wants. I just don't feel like I have a purpose there anymore or anywhere, for that matter. Nobody wants some one to work for them full time, when one can only show up 75% of the time. AND I NEVER NOW when my brain is just going to have a melt down, and I need like 2 weeks off of work to get better or that I'll come in, but you're only getting a good 6 hours of work today, maybe. _the worst part_ is that my boss is kind of being passive aggressive about it and like any time she has to confront me about something, she sends me an email, and her cube is right in front of mine. wtf?

I think most at work are just waiting for me to have a melt down, again. I mean, it's not like I have anything else on my mind.....oh wait.....why would they care if I had a legitimate medical condition (since we all know, mental illness isn't) to why I've felt like absolute crap for the past 2 months, and I'm going to have surgery most likely.

I went to see a urologist yesterday about a mass I have located by my kidney, which he said that he had never seen before (great) and I had to have a blood test and he was going to talk to their radiologist and an oncologist. He had that look that doctors have when they know that's somethings bad, but don't quite know how bad or what to do. He said that the mass is wrapped around the right renal artery (the one that goes into the kidney) and that it would most likely need to be removed, but since the mass is wrapped around the artery, they would have to take the whole kidney.

Can I give up now......

I am sorry you are going through so much right now.

(((Queen Accountant))) Usually I have more to say and feel bad when I don't give a good response. I just had a cortisone shot in my shoulder(supposed to rest) - plus my 8 yr old has a tummy virus and I'm feeling sick now. I just want you to know, I'm so sorry you're overwhelmed physically and mentally. I pray the mass you have in your kidney is fully treatable. Even if you decide not to work you're still 'The Queen".

You must be very scared and overwhelmed right now! Maybe trying for disability, either temporary or full benefit, would be a good idea right now. You have so much to deal with and having to deal with trivial people at a job that you don't like anymore isn't worth your time if you have other options. I hope the docs are able to help you with everything that is going on for you. Big hugs!!!

Yeah, disability is for people like you and me who can't function in a structured work environment. Since I have been on disability I have actually gone down hill and work will probably never be an option for me again. And, yes SSDI is something that you paid into when you were working and is no way charity or welfare.

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time.
To those people at your workplace... Boo hiss to them!

Work or not, like lynn_P. said... you're still The Queen! So there.

Thanks everyone.

My husband calmed me down and we made some decisions. I even made him call his dad (pediatric intensivist) and he agreed that I should probably not be at work right now. He said when the my doctor figures out what the mass actually is, he'll find a specialist for me. My husbands mom said I should make an appointment at Duke where they may actually know what they're doing. Also we're not going on the trip we were supposed to go on _with my mom_ to my cousins graduation. I think that would be _too much estrogen_ in one place, and then I would really snap. It literally makes my chest hurt because there is so much tension between my mom, my aunt, and my grandmother. Then I take it out on my husband, and then he gets mad, yells at my mom, and leaves. (he's a little oppositional defiant). So I'm just going to avoid the situation all together.

I'm just trying to determine what I should file the FMLA under, mental or physical? I'm thinking mental, because the way out long term disability works, I think I would still be eligible as a continuation of the last period. I think it resets after 6 months though...and that was 7 months ago...booo...I'm just glad I kept the buy-up plan for short term and long term disability. Not that I don't want to work, because I do, but I can't handle personal stressors out side work while I am at work, nor can I handle the personality clashes and my constant need to question, why. People also don't like when you take their job and streamline it so they can be more productive. They also are insecure of the fact, that I may know more than them, at least in Excel..

My husband also pointed out that what the mass probably is effects your hormones, which is why I've been having head aches, excessive sweating, and crazy mood swings, and maybe if the problem was fixed I wouldn't have to take so much medication. Especially, the Effexor....boo effexor.

I'm sorry you're going through a hard time. I'm glad your husband is as supportive of you as he is.
Just break everything up into small chunks and deal with each issue as it arises.
Maybe filing for disability is not such a bad idea - I know how unproductive I am at work. Then you could eventually find soemthing to do that pays by the hour (That way it's much easier to take leave and you won't feel guilty) or start your own side-line business.

It will keep your mind occupied.
Hey, BP is not fun nor easy, but we are here for you! XX

(((QUEENACCOUNTANT))) hugs and well wishes to you. Im so sorry about the mass and I hope they are able to remove it without taking your kidney. Not to offend you but can I pray about it? As for work, if you get disability I would suggest working part time after your health is better or maybe just volunteering once a week. Only because your work motivated and it will help you feel like your still being productive in society. Try and rest the best you can until your better though.