How I Feel Today. . . Open to all.

Thinker is so right..I was thinking about that this weekend. So many things from my childhood that I still feel guilty about even though I was the target of the abuse. I have to remind myself over and over that I was just a child and not to blame. And I have to remind myself that I'm not a child anymore; I'm an adult and I can make good choices.

Skipped work. Very down today.

Sundog glad things are going better for you. Sounds like you have a relaxing and peaceful day planned out. Hope you enjoy it.

Innerzone glad you are able to get into your art. It is always nice to be able to enjoy something you are passionate about. I hope it brings you peace and tranquility.

BlackPup glad you got a good night sleep. Good luck on getting your work done. I hope you are able to get it all done.

CliveWild I'm sorry you are struggling with anxiety, I know how awful that can be. I hope your day gets better.

Denise26 Hoping things get better for you. My heart goes out to you and embraces you. I think you are a good person, you just got to believe that for yourself.

PT52 Hope you have a restful relaxing day. Glad you had an enjoyable weekend with your sister. I can understand the feeling of wanting it to last.

thinker22 I am so glad you are on a good med combo and things are going so well for you.

Andydontsurf hope your mood improves.

Me, I'm still trying to recover from the trip. Driving all those hours has took it out of me. Trying to readjust to my husband being home. I thought it would take a big weight off my shoulders, but I just find that it is one more person I worry about. He is bored and restless and I find it is making me anxious. I hate that he just got home and already so restless. He so needs to find work so he can have something to do with his days. I don't know what to do or say and that bothers me. I know I shouldn't worry about it, but I've always been a caretaker. I just want to fix anything that don't feel right.

(((((BlackPup))))) That's great you had such a good night's sleep!! Sleeping well is such a gift!!

(((((Clive)))))) It's good you're taking it easy. Wishing you a peaceful day!

(((((((Denise)))))))) I have a lot of self-hatred also and I'm really sorry you have these feelings too. I'm sending you lots of hugs and good wishes and thoughts to you!!

((((((thinker)))))) It's great you've found a med combo that works well for you. And it sounds like you've done a ton of work on yourself and gained a lot of useful insights.

((((((((Andy)))))))))) I'm really sorry you're so down. Do you have a doctor or therapist appointment coming up so you can talk through some of the feelings? I hope you have some support and I really hope you feel better soon.

(((((((((PT52))))))))) If it's not practical to live with your sister then I hope you can keep visiting each other regularly so that the good feelings keep flowing!

(((((((((((vjdragonfly)))))))))))) I'm sorry you're still tired from your trip and that you're feeling anxious because your husband is home and restless. I really hope he can get a job soon and I really hope you feel better too!

I am tired today and my mood is quite low. I'm sleeping so badly. I re-started my anti-depressant about 4 weeks ago (I had quit taking it because I didn't think it was helping. But when I came off it I realized it was helping so now I'm back on it) Anyhow, it used to help me sleep. But this time around it isn't helping and I am sleeping really badly. The anxiety is not too bad today though, so that is worth a lot. I would rather be tired than anxious, that's for sure!!

Hugs to all who need them!

Feeling lazy today. I just moved cross-country and I have lots of unpacking and furniture painting and such I COULD be doing... but I'm not. Idonwanna.

In other news, I'm a little anxious about my appointments on Thursday. I'll be seeing a new psychiatrist, and going back to a psychologist I haven't seen in about 2.5 years. I liked working with him, but I'm worried it'll be too weird going back to the same guy I was seeing before I moved out east. I guess I'll find out.

I'm hoping all of the paperwork is now in line for me to return to school on the 13th... having to take an extra five weeks off would mess me up royally. I feel fine and ready to go back, so let's hope it works out. *fingers crossed*

So last night was about the complete opposite of the previous - first I couldn't sleep until about 2 in the morning, then my 3 year old niece woke me up at 6... Lucky I got a good night the night before!!! Still going OK...

Found a great pod cast on the internet the other day: www.metamorcity.com

I'm not going to work again today. My anxiety is through the roof. Trying not to SI today.

Black Pup: Glad your doing ok
Andy: Sorry your are having such anxiety, I know the battle against SI is a tough one. I hope you have the strength to avoid it and find another way to release your tension.. Try putting a Ceramic Owl in a bag and smashing it against a concrete wall... Thats a lot of fun.

ME: I hate myself and the world today.... I want to die but I am scared. What do I do?

Hi everyone. I also stayed home from work today. Bad anxiety & even worse migraine. I don't like to be around everyone in my office when I have anxiety & a migraine....seems my moods are completely unpredictable with this combo. I've never lashed out at anyone in my workplace but today is just one of those days... So, good to be home alone with the kids off to school & babysitter & husband at work. Can't harm anyone if I have no one to yell at. Although, my kitty...beware.

Denise: I'm so sorry you feel this way, please reach out to someone who can help.
Andy & DestroyMe: hope you both feel better soon.

Me: Blah, tired, depressed..everything today is bringing on the tears, even though there's nothing that's gone wrong today. I hate feeling depressed when I have no reason to. It just brings on so much guilt and then I feel even more depressed...

Denise & PT52, I hope you both find some sunshine today. I know its hard when it's pouring rain & there are dark clouds all around....

I have reached out and there is no help to be found. Its sunny here but I have slept most of the day. Took a Seroquel last night and still hungover from it today so been unable to stay awake very well...

((((((BlackPup)))))))) Sorry you didn't sleep well. I hope last night was better

(((((((((((((Denise)))))))))))))))) I'm so sorry you feel so bad. I really, really hope your mood lifts and things improve. And in the meantime I hope you can sleep and find some peace that way

(((((((Andy)))))))) I'm really sorry your anxiety is through the roof. I have major issues with anxiety myself and I know it feels like a prison from which there is no escape. I really hope it subsides very soon. Well done for not SI'ing.

((((((((((((DestroyMe))))))))))) Glad you have the day to yourself. I wish you peace!!

((((((((PT52))))))))) Really sorry you are feeling depressed and tearful today. I hope the feelings pass soon! Big hugs!!

I feel a lot better today and that is scary!!! Because I don't know why!! I have been feeling SO BAD (anxiety-wise and feeling physically unwell) for weeks now. And today it's so much better. Yet the randomness of my Anxiety Disorder just increases the anxiety. I want to understand how it works and to feel as if I have some control, but I don't understand it and I feel as if I have no control. My anxiety/panic attacks are often completely random. So, for example, I will be sitting at my desk feeling ok one minute, and then, out of nowhere, I will start to feel ill and then it escalates from there. Or I will wake up feeling incredibly anxious for no reason that I can fathom and I can't shake the anxiety all day, no matter what I do. And similarly, when I start to feel better again, that is completely random too.

Obviously I am very glad to be feeling better, yet I really don't like this feeling that I am completely at the mercy of my moods. I feel as if my mind and my body play tricks on me. And that is scary and makes me feel like I need to be constantly on guard.

And yet, today, for whatever reason, I feel so much better. The nausea is gone, my appetite is back, I have very little anxiety, I feel, to all intents and purposes, ok and "normal". I just don't get it!!

Well, I don't want to look a gift horse in the mouth, so I will shut up now and just enjoy this anxiety-free time while it lasts!! I also want to remind myself here that BAD FEELINGS DO GO AWAY!!!!! When I'm stuck in them it feels like the anxiety and bad feelings will NEVER end. But feelings do change!!!

Hugs to all!!

medicated glad you made the move safely. It is good you are taking some time to recooperate. Hoping everything moves smoothly with school .

balckpup sorry you didn't have a restful night sleep. I hope tonight goes better for you.

andydontsurf I'm sorry your anxiety is effecting you so much. Stay strong and try to find something to keep your mind off SI.

denise26 I hate that you are feeling so bad. Wish there was something I could say to make you feel better. Wish I could just take your problems from you so you could feel better. Wishing you well .

destroyme slowly sorry for the migraine and the anxiety. I hope you get to feeling better soon. Glad you have the house to yourself to recooperate. Silence is golden when you have a migraine.

PT52 I'm sorry you are having a bad day. I hate crying over nothing. I hope your day gets better.

sundog glad you are feeling good today. I hope you can take time to enjoy it. Sometimes good day seem scarce.


Today I woke up feeling ill. Not really sick, but not well either. Tried to stay in bed as long as possible. Feeling a little better now. Just feel slow and out of whack. Was suppose to go shopping today, but didn't feel up to it. Really not sure how I feel otherwise. Just kinda here I guess.

Today I feel a little discouraged because ECT did not work, but also hopeful about Friday's session of ECT. Hoping that it will work then!

and to everyone having a rough time.

This morning a bit... mild depression, but mostly anxiety. Kind of free floating and probably also connected with guilt over a huge lack of motivation regarding important must-do things. Ha! Wrote that and now just got back from running errands. Now we may add stressed(!) Boss called and gave schedule (as I'm at the bank, and grabbing an envelope out of the recycling to scribble all of it down..). So now, quite stressed, hoping I understood it right. Though the schedule is all graveyards (yeah yeah, BP no-no), it is my preference. It'll be ok. (Wouldn't mind a bit north of baseline frankly! )

The job runs from low to very high stress (often switching to the very high stress end with no warning. Fun, eh?) Just trying to take deep breaths, carry Xanax, hope and try really hard not to flip out (came precariously close the other day...) or lose this job in any other way...
(Then figure out something more suitable for when this winds down(!) )

This thread has made me remember a tale I was once told...
...Once upon a time there was a beautiful princess who fell in love with a wood cutter. Her father told the wood cutter that he could marry the princess if he could find something that would make the king happy when he was sad and sad when he was happy. The wood cutter thought about it and got a ring engraved with "THIS TOO WILL PASS". The king read it and granted them permission to marry.
(Not sure if he was a wood cutter - I was a kid when I heard the tale, but all good stories have a wood cutter in them!)

I have seen over the length of this thread so many of us go from up to down and down to up, it has really reminded me that this will pass.
I am sorry for those who have stayed down... and pray that it will get better...

Any way back to the Q: how am i today? next to no sleep again - and definitely gone a touch hypo... At the destracted/non productive stage... but ok - it will pass!!!! (a gastroenterologist's moto)

I haven't posted in a while. Not much has changed. Anxiety, nervousness and worry in varying quantities. I am using the energy I do have to make sure I eat properly. My weight loss has stalled and I need to find a way to get moving again. I am so close to my target but it seems so far away some days.

I would describe my mood today as blah. I don't want to do anything but I find it hard to do nothing. That is a perpetual Catch-22. Guaranteed to cause stress. It is one of those days where I use the computer as a security blanket. I can happily stare blankly at the screen.

I don't have much that I need to do. Even so, I keep postponing the few things. I feel somehow "safer" staying at home. I can't really understand why I am safer. There is no foreseeable threat out there !!

It's only 7:30am here and I'm ready to kill everyone that has pissed me off in the past few days.

My cousin pissed me off over the weekend and I cussed him out. His mother jumped all over me and I bet you a band new $2 bill that she didn't say a word to him.

Then my "boyfriend" tells me that he can't go to an appointment with me that I told him about LAST Monday! God I love how he's so freaking supportive!!! That was the straw that broke the camel's back. I told him when he has time for a relationship that he has my number.

Then my great-grandmother cleaned house over the past few days and has taken my son's craft box and play-doh and won't tell me where she's put it! And that is the one thing that I can't stand, is someone taking and moving my stuff. And it's not like where I had it was in the way. She just decides that she doesn't like it there any more and doesn't say a word to me!

Do I even need to state how pissed I am right now?!?!?

Bored, lonely, lost.......

melissa.recovering I don't know much about ECT, but I hope it works for you next time.

Innerzone glad you was able to get out and run errands, I know that is no small feat. Sorry your stress level is up. I hope things calm down for you.

BlackPup thanks for sharing your story with us. It is so true that in time our moods shall pass. Sorry you had another night of no sleep. Take care of yourself and take it easy.

CliveWild sorry you are still struggling with anxiety, nervousness, and worry. I hope your day improves. Take it easy on yourself and try to relax.

bussiemommie22305 sorry for those triggers. Try taking a deep breath and relaxing for a little bit. Hopefully these feelings of being pissed will subside.


Let's see, how I feel today. To start I'm a little anxious, have to get out and go grocery shopping and I really ain't up for it. Been obsessing about my upcoming pdoc appt. Not really sure how to explain how I've been feeling lately. The first month and half after I started my antidepressants I was still noticeably depressed. Now I think I'm kinda in a mixed state. Just not really sure how to explain it. I don't feel bad, but I still don't feel up to par. Thinking about it stresses me out.

Today, i feel like im really ready to make changes, BIG changes, life changes... so tired and fruterated with the situations ive allowed myself to be overcome by, letting life go on while i stay stuck, waiting... i need to work, i need to be approved for disability, i need to become more active... well i need to improve quite a bit, hope e1 is well

leah: good for you wanting to make changes! Take baby steps and pat yourself on the back with each one.

vj: Hope the stress lessens and that your pdoc is wise enough to understand not just what you say, but what you don't say.

Denise: still here for you, hope it gets better.

busiemommie: hope you find the play-doh and the strength to forgive.

Clive: I got up enough courage to commit to volunteering two afternoons a week. I make myself go even if I don't want to, and I've found that once I'm there I really enjoy being around people who just want to make other people's lives better. Hope that helps, and I hope you feel better.

BlackPup: hope you get some sleep soon, but glad you're looking at it positively! You get a groan for that last joke and a hug, too..

Innerzone: peaceful, soothing vibes coming your way.

melissa: fingers crossed!

me...not so depressed as yesterday, didn't fall asleep until 3:30 am, but slept for 6 hours (good enough). Now I'm thinking it's only a couple hours until I go volunteer and that just doesn't seem like enough time to be productive, so I guess I won't. Now, if I could just figure out a way to lose the guilt...

((((Melissa)))) Good luck with the next ECT session!

(((((Innerzone))))) I can relate to the free-floating anxiety and general stress. I really hope it subsides. Wishing you peace!

(((((BlackPup)))))) Thanks for the great story!

(((((Clive))))))) Wishing you many safe feelings

(((bussiemommie)))) It sucks being pissed off!!! Sorry for all your stress!

((((((Denise)))))) Sending you hugs and lots of love and really hoping you feel better

(((((vjdragonfly))))) I know what you mean about being confused about how you feel. I'm really glad you don't feel bad though, and I hope you feel up to par again soon. Good luck at your pdoc appointment!

((((Leah))) It's great you are feeling motivated and ready to make some big changes! Wishing you all the best!

(((((((PT52))))))) Glad you feel better than yesterday. It's great you volunteer.

I don't feel so hot today. I woke up with the all too familiar tightness in my chest and butterflies in my stomach type of anxiety. And I've been feeling out of sorts ever since. I increased my anti-depressant today and I feel anxious about that. Last time I increased it (about 2 weeks ago) I ended up having a really weird "episode" which turned into a major panic attack and I had to ask my husband to take me to the ER. In the end we just sat in the parking lot and I took an Ativan and calmed down. I don't know if it was the increase in my anti-depressant that brought it on, or what it was. But it was horrible! And I'm scared about it happening again. I increased my dose less today than I did that time. I'm just so tired of worrying about my mental health the whole time. Doing something and then being scared and waiting for my body to freak out. And just thinking so much about what could be wrong with me and trying to understand it all and not getting anywhere. I feel so neurotic and completely obsessed with my health and mental health. I do think I need to increase my medication, but I'm not sure that it will help. I'm trying to keep an open mind though. I'm just tired of this. Blah! Sorry to whine!!

i hv never used a chatroom before, so i feel terribly clumsy
i tripped over my own keyboard, lol