How I Feel Today. . . Open to all.

Congrats to thinker, baythemoon, and clive, it is so inspirational to hear good news, thanks
vj, sorry to hear that you are down, you are not alone I am here with you.
Innerzone - hope your relaxing was just what the doc ordered! Thinking of you and wishing you support when you leave the indulging behind

Me depressed as pay back for my last mania - it didn't even get to high before I stopped it with extra meds, but it seems that it was enough to set off a sh!tty depression so I'm really grumpy right now.

Hugs to ((((((Blackpup)))))))) and ((((((((((Innerzone))))))))

And more congratulations to ((((((((Clive))))))))))

I'm feeling brain buzzy...jolting like a roller coaster seat when it stops..jolt...stop...jolt...not necessarily a bad feeling.

Today I'm feeling drugged. I'm on 30 mg of Abilify and 1mg clonazepam twice a day, and I think the combination of the two is too much for me. I'm staggering like a drunkard. Good thing I can email my pdoc, but I can't un-take this morning's dose of klonopin. Much to discuss at my appointment tomorrow...

Today I'm feeling great. Why?
Because I slept like a baby last night. Why?
Because I got drunk last night. Why?
Because I was so tired after not sleeping properly for a week. Why?
Because I haven't been drinking. Why?
Because I thought my life would be better sober. But it isn't.

Nervous today. I'm about to go out and play guitar in my local barber shop for an hour or so. BUT, I've not built it up in my head, I know I can leave at any time I want and I'm going to stick to easy songs for now. I'm aiming to make it a nice, relaxed, friendly thing with plenty of chatting rather than me doing a performance.

I managed to eat something although I wolfed it down, but I think it's better that I managed to eat something at all with the nerves, so I'm not going to be too hard on myself. I also did some breathing exercises.

I keep thinking that I could just stay at home, but if I do I will never grow so I'm going to do it!!!

Hi everyone,
Am pretty new here but have been reading posts and would like to 'get to know all of you'. Know 'tisn't possible, but, your struggles are familiar. Recently went thru a 'high' from desipramine, and moved and did all sorts of stuff(not all wise), my new counselor and pdoc recommended bipolar meds so am taking tegretol. A little nausea and tired and dizzy, but those are wearing off and I feel calmer. My T says am more understandable and am not all over the board, so to speak. The quiet has me fearing the all too familiar depression, but actually I was able to do stuff, organizing in my room, with relative success. It's been awhile. I hear people needing validation. So did/do I but not so badly as before. Something switched in me awhile ago. I decided no more shame. I am who I am and I am all I will ever be. Have been out there, with my unique perspective of the world. So far new house mates seem to like me. I try listening more than talking, and try to remember one or two things they've said to ask about later. They love it! They talk to me! If I'm bummed I say so, and self care. They're considerate. It beats the h--- out of pretend smiles and inner death. Now if I could just relate to my son's mother in law, my landlord. Oh boy!
Enough said.
Hang in there. It's a tough journey, but what we learn will inevitably help our kids.
loves and hugs

Innerzone I hope you enjoyed the time with your BF and had a very relaxing day. Hope the costume is coming along well. Don't beat yourself up too much about indulging.

Clive hope you get your batteries recharged and to feeling good.

BlackPup wishing a better mood will come your way soon. I hope the depression lifts.

crzyladee I hope the rollercoaster ride doesn't become too intense.

Medicated I hate that drugged feeling. I hope your appointment goes well.

BayTheMoon glad you are feeling great despite your reason why.

onthemove sorry you are feeling nervous, but I'm glad you are going to go play anyway. I hope you find it enjoyable.

reintegrate welcome!!! I'm glad you decided to post. I'm glad your meds are helping and you are able to get things done. It is nice that you are able to interact well with your house mates. Hoping things keep getting better for you.

Still feeling bummed out. Forcing myself to interact here on PC. I skipped it yesterday so I feel out of whack. Trying to keep my mind occupied by reading so I don't focus to much on being down. I haven't picked up a book in a while. Not much else to say. Just wish things would get better.

Hoooo boy! Seems no matter where we are that there's no escaping at least one person who is a <cough> difficult person who seems to be able to hit our every button. Hehe, believe me, I've read books on how to deal with difficult people just to deal with working for some bosses, that's for sure!

BaytheMoon... do you by chance keep a mood chart? I've found mine quite enlightening. Don't beat yourself up too much on what you did (certainly doesn't seem like you are , but personally, I find I'm of two minds on it. So just in case). That's the way it goes (as you may well have gathered from my previous post, me too...Feb and March were so good, then got into old habits. Not as bad as before, but still...) I've found that it does seem better in the moment. (Usually, though sometimes I'd go seriously morose... no telling which way it would go! Which was frustrating and a little scary, but didn't stop me!) Here's the thing. Turned out I was fooling myself, because my mood charting told a different story. I had increased anxiety (especially waking up in the very early morning with racing thoughts and not able to get back to sleep for a couple of hours usually) and depression and just plain blah-ness which did nothing for my already (challenged!) motivation. (I even tryed taping my "golden zone" mood charts up in the cabinet. Didn't help. Damn I'm stubborn! Lol.)

Anyway, not telling you what you should do of course (truly), but mood charting can be helpful in many many ways (btw the above never even entered my mind as a reason). It was simply a surprising revelation.

Today, woke up anxious again (but not early--those are far more problematic with the distrubed sleep). Quelled it with an alprazolam. Off to a slow, but so far so good start.

((((((Medicated)))))))) Good luck at your appointment!!!

((((((crzyladee)))))) Hope things even out for you soon

((((((((BayTheMoon))))))) Hugs to you

(((((((onthemove))))))))) Hope it all goes well today! That's cool you are doing this! And well done for doing it even though you feel nervous!!

((((((((((((reintegrate))))))))))))) Welcome! It sounds like you're doing well on your new meds and in your new living situation. That's great! And I really love your positive attitude!

((((((((((((((vj))))))))))))))))))) Sending you big huge hugs and really hope you feel better soon. It's always great to see you here. Thinking of you xxxx

Hugs to all!!

hopless , lost, angry, cold. I am a broken man. I come to you with no expectations. I am living for today and tomorrow id uncertain. I lov my wife and children, I pray gods grace fiinds my heart so that I might find peace.

finally got comp back tonight after almost 2 weeks of it being at the menders! Its going to take me a while to catch up with the news.

Had a really rough week coming off citalopram but my dapakote is now kicking in and i feel good, more stable than ive felt for at least 9 months.... there is hope!

Hope you all doing ok

P

Thank you to all for the support! I FINALLY found a child advocacy group willing to guide me through the court process- even just having them tell me that I DO have the right to continue to persue this until the court takes away my parental rights. I mostly need weird questions answered from them- like who goes first- me because I filed the petition? will it be like a criminal case where my witnesses will have to get in the box? etc etc etc ( All I know of courtroom stuff is from L&O and CSI!)

Today has been OK- checked back in with the neurosurgeon- 6 months since my head got screwed back on ( spinal fusion)- I was expecting to hear "see you in 6 months, but alas I am not improved enough for that! AND I can't schedule my other surgery I need (personal stuff to be fixed) until I get cleared from the neurosurgeon- because they have to tip my neck way back to breathe for me. I was hoping to get fixed before the end of the year because I have 100% coverage for it!

Saw my therapist for the last time before my BIG court date next Thursday. She says my thought process is clear, my intentions are correct and she helped with some of how to say it without sounding like I am attacking the person ( although I would love to get my mother to confess under oath all the abuse she did to me as a kid!).

Hubby has been home from work all week ( went back today) because of severe muscle fatigue- he carries sofas and loveseats etc all day without much help!; I love him to pieces and put our wedding photos up on FB- but when he doesn't feel good he turns into a whiny 2 year old that you hope will pass out with cold medicine ( mine always got hyper!) If he did feel good he wanted to play on the computer- hey I want to play and I need to do research for our trial! I am praying that the trial will go our way- I know we will both be happier and less stressed. I will check in again next week.

I give hugs to all, just type- it releases a lot of tension!

Today's kind of an odd day. I'm home alone this weekend, except for my turtle and my kitty.

Oh I really think that Louis couldn't have come into my life at a better time. I saved him from the pound, and he saved me from... everything else. XD Every time I look at him I just feel... love. And joy. And he has to be the most patient cat in the world because I just walk up to him and bury my face in his fur and hug him, and he just purrs. Really, everything in life can be made better. All you need to do is bury your face into a cat and it all goes away. At least for a little while.

Still, it feels like at any moment I could break apart. I'm walking along an odd line between contentment at no longer being without a kitty, and... a mix of anxiety and apathy.

Maybe I'm just tired?

I hope everyone has a good day today, or at the very least one that doesn't suck. Everyone here is wonderful, and deserves some amount of happiness in their day.

I'm okay, mood-wise. Having a flare-up of fibro pain and spinal pain, though--and feeling worn out. BUT I'm planning on keeping my plans to go to a friend's house tomorrow for coffee and Krispy Kreme halloween donuts and then maybe to a movie!

Yeah, vj, it's been awhile since I've read much either. Thanks for the reminder. It's a good habit. Sorry you are still bummed out, hope the tide turns soon for you.
Welcome to the forums, bmcmull!
Hey polyonamous, good to see you again! Glad your med change is working out! It's amaaaaazing the difference that can make.

Aaaand less than 12 hours later, I'm back! (Ok, so earlier the day was just starting... ) Today went well, and really, I'm doing quite well. Still having spells of struggling with loneliness (reinforced by that whole stupid stupid FB thing... <delete the howl over an unrelenting theme of nearly a half century>. <next, delete general FB rant>) Ok, so where were we? It's been kind of a weird space.... anxiety's been up for quite awhile now, really getting sick of it. Leave me alone, you random panic attacks!!! Not up ('cept the day and a half there), not particularly down, but not level either(!)... alternating between getting things done and being ok with things, to total apathy. Sheesh, it usually doesn't shift around this fast. Not even sure it's shifting so much as so often mixed up together that it's hard to describe. Whatever it is, right now it's just bleh. Apathetic and won't get anything done, so might as well go to bed. G'Night all!

(I've been leaving my mood thing on In Love, because it's the one constant right now. Everything else is all over the place, and I'd hardly know what to choose to describe it.)

and to everyone... sorry I'm kind of grumpy...

Kind of blah. Have homework reading to do today. Not sure what I'll do if I finish early (which is any time before 4pm). Probably play video games. I've spread out my homework from Fri-Sun, so I can have some down time each day and something to do each day. It typically takes me 3-4 hours to read an article or a chapter for this class. At least I've already done the hw for my other class. I watched Avatar for the first time last night. Pretty engaging. I couldn't fall asleep after that. Like every neuron in my brain was firing rapidly. So up past 1am, but I slept in. Hugs to everyone too.

Not bad today. Had a few iffy days where I just didn't want to get out of bed. My vacation starts on Thursday and the final paperwork came yesterday. I am sure i was subconsciously worrying about that. I would be surprised if I wasn't.

I am not quite gung ho for the vacation, but I am a lot better.

I tried using my SAD lamp after I woke up today. Just trying something different in case it helps my mornings. So far, so good.

I hope everyone is as god as possible.

My insides are all churned up. I feel so sick all I want to do is fall asleep and not wake up. Wish I had the courage to end it all. Yet there is a small part of me still saying you never know what life holds something wonderful may be round the corner. Who would you be hurting anyway not yourself think of your son comming home and finding you. I just dont want to feel like this anymore its never ending, you feel ok for a while but then it all comes back and you are in that pit again.

Hi All

Innerzone.. I so totally relate to the mood all over the place thing! lol been panicky all day and cant get my head to shut up, but still managing to get stuff done!

Thinker Hugs back! i liked avatar! you are doing better on your homework and reading up for class than i am... and im the teacher!

Frog, fingers and everything crossed for you hun, you are being soooo brave, let us know how you get on

Hugs Lilleth, I hope your mood lifts a little soon, it can be so exhausting fghting off the demons.

dont know how i am, head is really busy, and wont shut up, nearly told son off for interupting and then realised that there was just us there and he wouldnt understand about mummies voices! hubby calls them my friends and says that at least i dont get lonely, but it gets really tiring when you are trying to concentrate and they are all chatting!
doing lots of shopping at the moment as well, with lots of little jewelery impulse buys etc! think i might be a little hypo!

love and hugs to all

Achy and exhausted. going to bed really soon and likely to hit the sack again after i get the little one to school tomorrow. Just wrung out in a bad way.

I'm new and quite frankly this post is what made me sign up in the first place. Typical "How are you feeling today?" Is a question oft times avoided by my family and friends. So how AM I feeling today? Irritable, anxious, restless. I was two seconds off from a complete tantrum today when I couldn't make my husband's birthday cake look perfect. I know I'm anxious about work tomorrow and all I can keep thinking is "My god what if they notice I'm not quite right."

I'm very tired today but that's to be expected because I bought a new home in another town (through insurance because I can no longer work due to mental illness) and going through everything one needs to do for a purchase and move and doing it by myself. I have to be so careful with my moods because like a lot of Beepers, once I get going on a task I don't like to stop, even if it leaves me overtired, elevated mood or panic and anxiety and sleeplessness which makes the cycle worse. It has all been happening to some extent and I have mini-breakdowns every few days. Then I have to totally back off for a few days and let my central nervous system slow down and let the adreneline reduce. I watch TV, DVD's, meditate and pray, lay down and listen to the radio etc.

The problem is that there ARE deadline dates involved and and I DO need to get a lot of things done.

Leaving this town is a very emotional thing because there have been terrible problems with family. It is great that I am leaving - it will be a big leap forward, but I still have grief for what I would have loved to have had in the way of my immediate and extended family.

I can't cry usually because of my huge amount of meds (the best meds mix I've had) and thast's sometimes when i really need to cry. The thing that usually triggers me to cry is a good chick flick or movie about emotions and life transitions. Well, I saw Eat, Pray Love yesterday (Sunday) and in won't give anything away but it wasn't even into the second half that a phrase was used that just sumed up exactly what I'm going through. So, of course I started balling there and then and cried through the whole movie. I stopped crying long enough to leave the cinema at ther end and get home. And then I had a huge huge cry. And it was the absolute best thing that could have happened. Great movie. Great timing.

so much to do that im colour coding my post it notes and to do lists!
my line manager asked if id read his email this morning and i said.. "i dont have time to waste on reading emails, if its really important people come and find me"...

"but this is really important!" he said,

" I know its important" i said... "because you came to find me to ask me to read the email!"

Point to me i think! lol

Crashed
just emailed work to tell them i wont be in tomorrow
i hate this F***ing disease