How I Feel Today. . . Open to all.

Wow, it's great to hear so many people doing well and/or ok! I guess I am doing ok too!! Went to the Farmer's Market this morning and loaded up on tons of fresh organic fruits, veggies and bread! Going to spend the afternoon puttering around at home and will sit outside with a book at some point since it's a gorgeous day.

Love and hugs to all!

I agree sundog it is great to see so many doing well and I'm glad you are too. I'm still doing pretty good. Not much going on so I'm a little restless. Tired of not having anything to fill my day. Getting on PC is the highlight of my day. Pretty pitiful I think.

I had a good day today. I had another friend request at PC. That always makes me feel good. And then I did my "spiritual thing" this morning and went to a live symphony performance this afternoon! My husband was telling everybody that it was "our one cultural activity of the year" and I'm like, "Wait a minute! Don't tell them that. I want people to think we're always flitting off to do cultural things!"

Hey! Whaddya mean?! <Giggle>... it's mine too...

Hmmm, let's see. Today. Hardly tired, which is surprising having worked 2 shifts yesterday (day and graveyard). Couldn't resist that weekend overtime pay... Made a short (ie. semi-do-able, compared to the usual completely unrealistic one... ) to do list for today. Hoping to get on that soon.... Includes some fun stuff, so hopefully!

Been absent for a couple of days..things are better with the hubs, but we still have things we need to work out. It took us 13 years to get to this point, I guess it will take a little while. So, today sad for Denise and her family. Tired..moving slowly, which is one side of depression that I forgot about...anyway, hope everyone is headed for a good week

My first post.
I went cold turkey and quit taking Olanzapine a week or so ago because my legs had turned to stone and now I'm feeling the effects: edgy, nervous, sleepless and ratty as an angry dog, apart from that I'm feeling fine!

Apart from work-related chatter when I'm in the office, I haven't had a conversation with another person for almost two months. It's not a life, it's an existence, and a bare one at that, but I can't see a way out of it.

Today is going to be a good day. Right?

Got out of the hospital yesterday....w00t. Nine days this time.....waaaaaaaay too long for me. BUT I figured some things out while I was in there, so I guess it wasn't all bad....I also found out that besides having the awesome BP dx, I'm also Borderline...heh...could've told you that one...and I have a problem with some dissociation...which flares when I'm under a lot of stress...so yeah. >.< basically, my brain likes to shut down. *shakes out brain*

Hope everyone is doing well. Saw the news about Denise. Very sad. I'm not sure what to say about it, other than that when we need to reach out the most, some of us don't. Thank the gods, that I have found some people on here, that have made me realize that when I need help, all I have to do is ask for it and someone will listen, eventually.

Nervous. First day of the fall quarter. And I'm running late!

I am feeling good and balanced today. Yes!

just been for first visit to psychiatrist.
dont like him. he didnt make eye contact and didnt smile.
he is going to put me on depakote and take me off citalopram which is what i wanted, so i guess thats ok

Payne glad you had a good day. It is nice to get out and do things you enjoy. I hope the good mood lasts for you.

Innerzone I hope you was able to do your to do list. Try to find some time to take it easy.

PT52 Glad things are better with your hubs. Unfortunately it does take time to work all the kinks out. At least he is willing to work at it. Sorry you are still feeling depressed. I hope your mood improves and you can get to feeling better.

Baythemoon welcome to the forums. Sorry you are not feeling well. Have you talked to your doc about your med? They might be able to change you over to something that will not have this side effect. I can relate to feeling like your just existing. It is a terrible feeling and one I hope that will soon pass.

Moreta congrats on getting out of the hospital. Hope you are feeling much better.

thinker good luck, hope everything goes well.

BnLsMom yeah!!! Glad you are feeling good.

Polyonamous sorry you do not like your new pdoc. I am glad he did listen about the med changes you wanted.

Feeling pretty good today. Just trying to make it through the day with all this time on my hands. Really wish I could occupy myself longer.

Glad that Payne, Innerzone and BNLsMom are doing well!

Glad (((((((VJ)))))) is doing ok too and I can definitely relate to the internet being a highpoint in your day!!!!

Good to hear that things between ((((((((PT)))))))))) and her hubs are sorting themselves out. And really hope your depression lifts

Sorry that ((((((((thinker))))))) is nervous today and really hope the first day goes well!

It's good news that Moreta is out of the hospital!

Sorry that BayTheMoon is having a hard time with withdrawal symptoms from the Olanzapine. Really hope that evens out

Sorry that Poly doesn't like her pdoc but glad you got the meds you wanted and hope the depakote works well.

I'm glad it's Monday. The weekends can become a problem for me when my anxiety is bad because I have too much time on my hands. I need structure and I need tasks that distract me. Saturday was ok and I felt relatively relaxed. Yesterday I started feeling anxious again. I did do quite a bit of cleaning to try and distract myself but the anxiety would not be denied!! I hate it when it becomes so physical. We were watching a movie last evening and I found it hard to just sit there. Kept feeling these really unpleasant physical sensations and kept wanting to move around. It's like an inner agitation and also a kind of pressure, especially round my chest which makes me very aware of my breathing and makes me nervous. I'm assuming this is anxiety-related because that's what my doctor has said. It's very weird though and not at all pleasant!!! I still feel it this morning but I'm busy at work and that is helping. It's definitely the kind of thing that the more I focus on it the worse it gets. The best thing I can do is distract myself.

Wishing everyone a good week!

Today? Oh boy. Stand back. The switch has flipped.

BF had expressed interest in a certain costume for Halloween. Dug into planning that last night. At first, thought that I was just excited to be working on something creative, but realized it was more than that while digging through 9 boxes of fabric (remember the pile o' testament to manic-y I got back last week? Yeah, that one.) flipping all possibly relevant pieces into a big pile and squealing over websites, furiously written thoughts on design, rabbit drawing (oh, right, that's another costume, not his..), considering costumizing some of my own clothes (that I don't want to ruin, so I won't. But I thought about it!) Got to a point where I needed some basic elements to start on, but damn, the stores aren't open at those hours, considered measuring BF's head for a hat while he was sleeping, till finally conceding I'd really have to wait till today to continue. At 2 am (no biggie). Then bouncing out of bed a few hours later squealing, "you are sooo going to kick *** in this costume contest!" and blathering on. And on. And on about all the thought processes, clever ideas, materials needed, "and oh! I need to measure you!" You get the idea. The synapses are snappin' for sure.
So, off to the hunt n' gather... (don't worry, in costuming my motto is maximum cleverness, minimum outlay)
(and ooooh, ooooh, please let me enjoy this! At least for a bit. I know it's bad, but oh how I've missed it...)

To those that posted a personal message....

I'm feeling a bit better this morning (a lot less angry than past few days) even though I managed only about three hours fitful sleep.

vjdragonfly My next appointment with pdoc isn't until mid October and my GP is none too keen to prescribe new meds. I think I can hold on a few weeks though. I'd had to do worse in the past. Just have to bite my tongue more than usual.

sundog I know what your talking about with the pressure in your chest. I hate it when my anxiety gets that bad. Anxiety is a beast to deal with especially when you have to much time on your hands. I hope your week goes better.

Innerzone I'm glad you have something to be so excited over even if it is hypomanic. Go ahead and enjoy it while it lasts. I hope you don't crash though. Good luck on making the costume.

Doing fine today. I was up early but actually didn't have anxiety which was great. Got a school conference to go to here in a few. Kinda dreading it cause I know my son is struggling with writing and I know his teacher is going to bring that up. I just wish I knew a way to make it easier for him. Hopefully she will have some positive ideas.
Hope everyone has a great Tuesday.

vj - glad the anxiety level is low; hope the teacher is able to give you some good tips to help your son.

Innerzone - when you wear out the synapses, you know where to find us

sundog - hope today is a better day.

Me...have my mood set at cynical, which is pretty accurate. Did not get a call back on that great job I wanted, trying to take it in stride, but I'm one of those people who really get their hopes up then crashes when it doesn't happen. Someone smack me the next time I start singing "Over the Rainbow"...

So yesterday I didn't do anything productive towards finding a job and today is starting out the same way. At least I have to get out of my pj's because someone is coming to look at our leaky roof. And I have my volunteering to do this afternoon - maybe it will motivate me again.

Glad you're having fun planning that Halloween costume, Innzerzone!!

(((((((((vj)))))))))))) Really glad you're doing well and didn't have much anxiety when you got up today!! Yay! Hope the school conference goes well!

(((((((((((PT)))))))))))) I'm really sorry you haven't heard back about that job. That sucks. Apart from anything else, it's just rude of them not to get back to you at all. I don't understand why they can't get in touch. I'm really sorry!! And I totally understand why you got your hopes up. It's really crappy to feel the disappointment now. Ugh. Well done for doing the volunteering and I really hope you feel motivated again very soon

I had a really bad night. It started shortly before I got into bed. I had some chest pain. I think it was a muscular thing. I've had something similar before and I did go to the ER that time. The doc said it was inflammation of the muscles of my chest wall. I don't know if the thing I felt last night was the same thing, but it was similar. It wasn't that bad, but it was enough to make me nervous and to put me on a state of "high alert". I've had a number of different tests on my heart recently (EKG and holter monitor) because a lot of my symptoms feel like they could be heart problems. The doctor tells me my heart is fine.....So why do I keep getting these weird symptoms????

I got into bed and found it really hard to lie still. It's very hot here at the moment and we've got a couple of noisy fans blowing in our bedroom (we don't have air-conditioning because we typically only get a handful of nights a year when the temp doesn't drop). The noise of the fans was stressing me out. I kept getting up and wandering around. Eventually I went to sleep and then I woke up at 6.00 am and was immediately at like a level 9 anxiety. I got up and my legs felt like jelly and I was really shaky and felt really strange and not well. I forced myself to walk around the house. I didn't have any chest pain anymore, just these other really strange feelings. I guess I paced around for about 45 minutes. Then I went back to bed and dozed. When it was time to get up I felt really exhausted and I still feel very anxious. What is this crap????????????????????? Seriously?? What is this???? How can going to bed at night be such a source of stress?? I have these weird things happening at night so often (where I wake up and feel awful and have to pace around). Ugh.

I see my therapist this afternoon. I've only recently started seeing this woman (I've had therapy before, but then took a break). She's nice but I don't know if she can help. I don't know if anyone can help. I wish I could figure out what was going on with me.

Well, sorry to write that out in such detail!!!

Hugs to all!!

today i slept mostly as i did yesterday. Feel really depressed and anxious and jus want to sleep and not wake up again. I hope all those who are havin a bad day also, soon feel better. I feel like crying right now for so many reasons! I hate this feeling!

Hi sundog- I get that same anxiety and agitation as you described. It is so difficult to relax and enjoy what you are doing. I just cannot sit still sometimes. I find that watching something funny like Seinfeld or King of Queens can take my mind off of it for a little bit.

larakeziah: Hope today is a better day

sundog: hope you got a better night's sleep..I know about the chest thing - it can be scary..I'm guessing the heat didn't help with the sleeping. How was your visit with the new T?

Me: woke up way too early, need to find some motivation to do more than hang here (not that I don't love you guys ). Still applying for every job I'm qualified for and some I'm way overqualified for..other than that, it's a waiting game. This morning I need to fill out applications for government jobs - why do they always make it so complicated?

I'm on day 3 of my classes. I go Mon-Thurs. I'm feeling a little bit better about the art criticism class. But there is tons of reading and 6 writing assignments. Knocked down the first one so far. Not as anxious or down the past 2 days as I was on Monday. Hope my mood holds. Trying to not get all stressed out.

to all posters-

sundog: I can totally relate to the anxiety; getting up and walking ( even if middle of the night) helps; I do deep breathing to keep my moving a little slower each step; If the doc say your heart is fine it may just be where your anxiety takes hold. I learned to do progressive relaxation- lay in bed, curl toes, squeeze tight then relax them, repeat until they feel like jello; do this up your body- clalves, thighs, lower abs; when you get to the chest- feel the pain, allow it to intensify then relax. Practicing this frequently- even when you don't feel the pain- really helps me with the shakiness of the anxiety ; hopr it can help you;

larakeziah- I have been told that "blanket therapy" ( staying under the blankets ) is only good for 1 day; then you have to force yourself to shower, dress and go out into fresh air and walk- if it is sunny great- leave skin exposed for the vitamin D rainy , I think about how great I feel after a long relaxing shower or what it is like to feel the waves wash over me at the beach. These tricks have helped me pull up from the pit many times.

I am stressed beyond belief today-I lost a hearing about getting to have unsupervised visits with my son on Monday; Now We 9 hubby and I ) have to fight my sister in a trial! We can't afford a lawyer ( she has one) and I believe that we are being discriminated agaist because of that! But after the trial if we don't get our way we can appeal to a higher court and there isa strict time limit on that process.

Been on steroids for my asthma for almost a week so I feel better from the fibromyalgia- laundry is getting done and the bathroom is clean to my standards ( REALLY HIGH); How I will feel in 2 days when the steroids wear of I don't know- but my bathroom is clean!

All told I am amazed at how well I am actually doing! Since March 2009 have been on the same psych meds and Fibro meds; changed up my muscle relaxers and anti- inflamatories and they seem to be working a bit better; stopped Pt for my neck and shoulder from the surgery- I think they were pushing it too much, feels better with only minimal stretching and exercise.

Wedding anniversary coming up- 12 years and we are doing fine even with all the challenges! I thought i might never get married- or if I did it would not be to such a great guy !

Wishing everyone peace!

I want to fall alseep and not wake up unless I awoke with hope and feeling able to cope. I am existing not living.





I

Oh Lillith! Sounds like your depression is giving you a very rough time right now... Please stay safe. If you have professionals, please give them a call. Or go to the ER if it gets too bad, ok? Please?

Today... Well, a couple of days ago it was "wheeeee" right? Don't know if that's what's going on now, but if so, it's mostly taken the irritable route. Boo hiss! Went to my psych appt. today. She mentioned some possible changes, but I want to put them on hold till next appt. (1 month). I just got off graveyard shifts and onto days and am quite convinced that the weird sleep patterns were wreaking a lot of the havoc, so I'd like to give the new schedule a chance to see if that doesn't iron out a lot of the problems. Think it will. So... home now. Just getting caught up on the forums today. Will work on the costume more (fun!) and make an apple pie (yum!) to make a nice day off.

for everyone whether doing well or not. Empathetic hugs for those whe aren't and celebratory ones for those who are. May the bad things get better and the good things last!

sundog sorry for your bad night. All those symptoms would freak me out to. Anxiety by itself is hard to deal with. Have you discussed with your pdoc what is going on? It sounds like your anxiety is getting the best of you. Maybe they can find something to help wind you down. I hope your appointment with your therapist went well.

lara big hugs to you. It is never easy dealing with depression and the hopelessness that comes with it. I know it is hard to accept right now, but in time these feelings will pass. In the mean time it might be good to talk to your pdoc. You might need a med change.

PT52 sorry you didn't hear back about the job you really wanted. I can relate to the need to doing more then just hanging in there. After a while that becomes unbearable. I hope your job search proves to be fruitful.

thinker glad things are getting better with your classes. Hope you do very well.

frog I'm very sorry to hear you lost the trial against unsupervised visits. I hate that you are having to go through this on your own with no lawyer. Congrats on your upcoming 12th anniversary. Glad you are feeling better physically.

Today I'm a little stressed out. Went with my husband job hunting again today. Haven't heard anything yet so we went to the next county over. I'm scared to death he is not going to find a job with the way the economy is. I probably could get my job back at Hardee's, but that job was so stressful on me. I quit cause I couldn't cope anymore. Probably wasn't one of my best decisions, but I was about ready to have a break down. I probably have a better chance at finding a job then my husband, but I worry about me having one of my mood swings. I just not sure if I'm stable enough. I hate feeling this way like I'm incomputant.