How I Feel Today. . . Open to all.

Im glad everyone's So busy my life is very boring i attend a day treatment center Mon thru Thurs and volunteer for the national alliance for the mentally ill one day a week Im so lonely won't some other femaleS with bi polar disorder or ptsd Text talk chat or hang out with me its hard out there

Pretty depressed, actually. Hoping it's just situational, and not brain chemicals. Descended in a big way last night and continues today.

Situationally: I'm pretty burnt out on my job (a huge issue with me, all through the years, but it's undoubtably because I've only had one job where I liked what I was doing, and it only lasted 1 1/2 years!), the BF legal incident and how that will all play out (though I'm less stressed about it than before...TG), and just plain boredom.

Ongoing situationally: profound loneliness. (No friends here and the few people I hung out with a bit from before apparently have tossed me over the edge of the earth.) Either home, or at work, where there is extremely litte interaction with other people. BF's job is too hard on him physically, so he's almost always tired and sleeps. A LOT. I don't mind my own company, but this is too much.

And... think this is the main thing that triggered it down to depths unseen recently... holiday letdown. Do you know what I mean? Halloween is my favorite holiday. Soooo much effort into it (though it was very enjoyable), then the one day comes and is over. Didn't do anything, go anywhere (except work) and the few people I texted and emailed didn't respond. It was like the classic being dressed up with nowhere to go. Even thought about putting on my raven costume just to hang around the apartment(!) Then decided it would just be worse, as would going out by myself (something I usually have no problem with). Was afraid it would send me over the edge. Did watch Wallace and Gromit's Curse of the Wererabbit though, which is adorable and funny.

So last night I just sat around in a major funk. Even cried a bit (which I can only rarely do) and had relentless ruminations, but couldn't stop them.

Not situationally? Don't know. Just really hoping it's not the brain chemicals...

Yeah, I know... waaah waaah waaah... Sorry.

I don't need any hugs or anything (no, really, it's ok). Just need something IRL.

Happy today
Very pleasant, but now I have become more aware of my swings, and fear getting to high and then suddenly drop.
Stupid of me - better enjoy the good days that are part of my bipolarity.

Ok I need to figure out how to do posts forums etc...

Feeling shaky... Don't know if it's nerves or what, but I don't like it.

Still really anxious about school... don't know how I'll ever live up to the standards that are expected of me. I feel so inadequate. But I'm doing the best I can, and that's all a girl can do, right?

How is everyone else?

Hi all, I have been using the similarly named thread in the Bipolar Social Society. I am okay-ish. Mornings are harder now I am back on the 200 mg of Seroquel at night. I should not try to think or make plans until about 10 am but I still try to do it. I still want that PAUSE button for my mind.... If I wake earlier than "normal", I like to lie in bed for a while. I tend to toss and turn. I have weird thoughts in a semi-dreamlike state. Does anyone else get that? It might be better to get up when I wake up, but it can make for very long days.

Good grief. On top of everything, at work tonight I had a person basically tell me that they didn't care that they nearly took me out (literally) BECAUSE THEY WERE A TAXPAYER. And that I should apparently have approached their complete indifference as some bobble-headed barbie doll and smiled at them for doing so. I was very firm, but never rude, and apparently that's not "appropriate" for his tax dollar. I have about 10,000 words for such people, but honestly! Yeah. It shook me up. And to think, it wasn't enough that I'd already taken a full dose of Xanax to manage to get to work, and still completely panicky. Then that. And I'm the crazy one???!!!

I swear I've entered a circle of hell.

After getting home, BF made an innocent comment and I just started crying (see loneliness and isolation above).

So. Not good.

Um... dizzy?! No idea what's up with that. Not majorly so, but annoying enough. Bumbling and reaching out for furniture aren't hobbies, so hope it stops soon. Been going all day so far though...

Upside? It's a distraction? <rolls eyes>

i wish i could go and openly tell everyone that i am bipolar. i have to hide it because of family stigma and "reputation" the shame etc related to being "mad"
sometimes I don't want to bother about what other people will think and I just want to put a label on my head and let everyone know my illness

I feel great, buzzing around. I am still happy after my depression lifted 2 weeks ago, and increase working capacity made it possible to cope with my current activity level.
Some contrasts are definitely better than others.

Yea, Vita!
Ok, haven't been able to figure this out. Clive, how do you get to the different threads in the social forum? (Even posted in one and can't figure it out! : )
Yes on the second. A lot lately.

Today, lazy but pretty ok. Had a near breakdown last night and still went to work (had to, really -- it's a 45 min. drive, and the people I was going in for are 10 miles from cell phone reception. There would have been absolutely no way to let them know, and they really need the relief of a breaker. I'd cry if one didn't show up for me in their position...and I couldn't do that to them.) Not dizzy. Yea! Catching up with posting (no kidding, eh? ) Only plan to house-putter today. Should be able to handle that. Still need a shower though(!) Soon... soon.

And yesterday? Ran errands against better judgement. Judgement was sooo right. Does anyone else get super-skittish having other people around? Especially in stores. Make me jump, can't look at anyone and need to keep dodging to get some "space"? Even jumped to an endcap and pressed up right against it. Also, driving. Road rage much? Felt like everyone was out to get me. And some of them were. Lots of swearing, screaming and thrashing. Good grief.

And how about chiming in, fellow BPers... I'm starting to feel like a thread hog(!)...

Oh poo! Dizzy again. Not as bad as yesterday though...

When depressed, I do not feel like looking others in the eyes. Not now.
With ADHD in addition, i prefer going by bike. Today my legs felt light and the trip to and fro work (abot 6 miles) felt really good.

Hi Innerzone, I had trouble finding the other thread in the first place. Try going to BP Social Society in the Social Group Forums.

Hope you are doing okay? I have been struggling for a few days. More Blah than anything. I was having a nice lie in this morning. I dozed off and had some weird dreams. That left me dazed and confused.

Went shopping last night, had my nails done, my hair cut and new makeup!!! I am doing great today getting ready to actually leave my house for the third time in two days so I can go visit my boyfriend at work....he is going to be so suprised!!!

I figured it out! Yesterday, probably 2 minutes after telling my BF how thick I have been not to be able to find it(!) The part that I had figured out: going to "profile", clicking "social groups", then selecting BSS. But it would bring me to...guess you'd call it the basic chat(?), it was the threads I couldn't find. One time I'd hit on "visit the forum for this group". Which is how you do it, right? But first thing I saw was the how are you feeling thread which made me think I was on the main forum(!) Lol. Turns out it was the BSS thread list!

Holding in there. I had a big lie-in too, didn't sleep, just struggled b/w anxiety over things-everything jumbled and bouncing around--and wanting to sleep (the day away). Know what you mean about the weird dreams after waking and falling asleep again. For me, each succesive time they get weirder and weirder. Finally decide that the next one will just be too weird, and get up. Hope your blah lets up some today. I'm hoping for the same and will try to start with the dishes... (just to get off the chair...)

Yippee!

Where are the shortcuts to this and other places? Better give myself more time.
Like it here!

I am depressed with a faint hint of mania. Right now I'm listening to REALLY loud music with my headphones-something I rarely do- and oh am I enjoying it! I got more depressed as the day went on. I was just lying on the couch a while ago and thought about how I've had a good run these past three weeks with insomnia for two weeks and this nightly depression this last week. I held up quite nicely! Then I realised "okay this is it" I am about to cross over from holding on to survival mode. Then I switched to this little welcome mania...feels good but sure hope it doesn't escalate too much. Whoohoooo! I feel so much better suddenly...! lol

Updated on all the work that was pushed away in last depression. Feels good

Now, looking back, I realize how reduced my working capacity was. I realized it when looking at the piles that had buildt up. Otherwise the period is sort of blanked out.

Today hasnt been a terrible day. Wife got to see her neurologist so hopefully he can continue to treat her pain. :: Maybe one day all this medicine will just click :: I dont remember much of the day. It has been such nice weather for this past month, for the most part, that I spent the day outside for as long as I could.

I have been noticing that my creativity is starting to show out a little more. I havent hit the hypomania yet this time, but it seems like it is on the cusp. While I know it isnt healthy, I still have the "guilty pleasure" of those moments. The addiction to the energy. The extreme passion and energy to finally accomplish something. The one-track-mind of it all.

I keep hoping that the nurse or doc can look at starting me on some prozac again. It seemed to help in the past so I really think it could help again. Luckily, I feel that the bottom end of the moods has been lifted a little bit. I still tend to switch to that down side and I hope that I can continue to get out some of these dark moments a little better.

For the last 3 weeks the wife and I have experienced something so great. Today was the first day in about 3 days where I could see my wife again. Not her covered by pain. Just her being her. I think maybe I held in all of those personal skeletons. Things done so long ago, I hoped that they would have passed by. The problem is that for some reasons, these skeletons have stuck around. The ability to be open, honest, and secure enough in someone that I trust her with so much, is an amazing feeling. Hopefully this next month continues to be such a bonding moment as this last month has been.

seems like this thread has been neglected. I know all the holidays and stuff has kept me away. Just needed to put it out there; I have been bouncing for weeks now- focused and wanting to get stuff done ( and doing it), yet forgetting that I shouldn't be doing that stuff with my health ( shoveling for 2 hours was WAY to much). then I am crying because of all that is going wrong ( won't go into details- hubby, son and finances are all a part); so I talk with my pDOC- who always says to call for an "emergency appointment" if I can't wait the month or so- they had an appointment two days earlier- but that was 3 weeks from now! So they had him call me and I talked with him- we decided to go back onto one of the meds I was on over a year ago- helps me to sleep and help with my pain as well- and a cheap generic because it has been around so long. Than he says he wants to put me on Lithium- yeah I am Diagnosed BiPolar- but I feel like that is for more extreme cases; but I felt so bad I said yes- at least until my next appt. Now I am sleeping better and the ups and downs are not as extreme- but I feel like I did before- numb, no focus, no energy, down thoughts, that seem to be the only thoughts I can keep my mind on track with.

To make matters worse my t had to cancel for family emergency and said she would call and didn't- I am sure y'all can know where my paranoia took me there!!

OK enough griping, gonna play a bit on the computer then see if I can focus on a book I got out of the library.

I woke up feeling good today, but am feeling very anxious now. I just started wellbutrin and lamictal on monday, and am still getting used to it. I think i drank too much coffee this morning and that is what's causing the anxiety. I went to lunch with an old friend, and I thought eating something might make me feel better, but no luck. I have to go babysit tonight at 6 so I'm trying to just relax and ride this out till then. Thanks for starting this thread! It helps just being here.

I'm getting sick of this. I seem to be the definition of "mixed state" lately. I wrote some poems for the first time in a while. Would like to set them to some music but have to remember to get some AA batteries for the keyboard.

Hey yagalada......I am huge Belle and Sebastian fan!

I'm no T, but I certainly can relate to how you feel. You can borrow my shoulder to cry on if you need it.

Right now I feel depressed. It feels like there is a ton weight on my body and I just want to crawl into a corner of a dark cold lonely cave . I feel hopeless cant seem to get pleasure out of anything. I'm snapping at my husband and dreading the next day.