[Yoda]

not sure if this is more about my bipolar or PTSD; for the last ten years since my boyfriend died I have had increasing anxiety and flashbacks in the month preceding the anniversary of his death (Sept). I usually sleep long hours to avoid feeling pain. Last year was the first year that I did not have to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital.

I had been feeling pretty stable since 2007 when my doc put me on selegiline and clozapine and some hypnotics to help me sleep. For the last week I have been sleeping 12-18 hours at a time. My son has asked me a couple of times if I am okay. I emailed a little over a week ago to schedule an appt to see my Pdoc. His receptionist told me I owe about $280 and I need to get my balance below $200 and he had some openings for Thursday. I had recently received a check for $1000 that I was not expecting when the guy who has a gas well on my property said he was going to lay some more pipe so he paid me for right of way. All I had to do was drive four miles to the bank to deposit the check and call and pay on my Pdoc bill with debit card. No energy; couldn't do it.

I had a meeting scheduled for Thur 4pm with the therapist that TLC hired to help me with hoarding. I really wanted to talk to him because I feel like I am not being a good parent right now (my son is 21 y/o with no HS degree nor GED and he has made no plans for education or work, I brought him a book to study to get his learner's permit to drive but all he does is play video games). I had to cancel that appt because I cannot find the energy to get a shower. It has been at least a week since I had a shower. Sounds like a small task but I am having difficulty with it.

I have lost interest in my horse. All I want to do is sleep. In addition to the anniversary of my BF death TLC will be airing my segment of Hoarding: Buried Alive tomorrow. Some good news - I sold one of my model horses online yesterday. He is one of my best. I paid $850 for him and as part of my Ludicrous Sale I advertised him for sale for $3500. That is a heck of a profit. I will use the money to save to buy a used car for my son. The girl will be making time payments until he is paid in full so I get to look at him for a bit longer. I am glad to know I will have money coming in but sad that I will not have my horse for much longer. The organizer said something recently about model horses not being a reliable source of money and I told her yesterday how much profit I made on this horse and she said well good then you can get him packed up in a box ready to mail. I said no it will be close to a year before he is paid in full and she could not seem to comprehend why I would want to keep him out to enjoy his beauty. I guess she does not understand they are art. I am pissed at her because her answer to organizing my house was to put everything in boxes and trash bags. I only have three pairs of jeans that fit me and now I can only find one pair. She really sucks as an organizer.

I don't know if all this will blow over when we get past September or not. It really sucks. I need cat food but can't go to the store until I can get a shower and can't seem to pull myself together enough for that.

[blueoctober]

Sorry that you are feeling so immobilized Yoda. I know it's hard to find the energy to do anything, but seeing your p-doc is important, so is there any way that someone can deposit the cheque for you? I hope you can force yourself to take a shower even if it's just to get some cat food. I hate that part of the illness too when everything that I need to do I have to force myself, but I find if I don't I spiral down even more. I hope you start feeling better.

[lynn P.]

(((Yoda))) - I'm sorry you're having trouble getting motivated. You've had a lot going on in your life lately and are probably over whelmed. Can you go right now and take a shower? Sometimes when I don't feel like washing my hair, I put a hat on.

Yoda... I too am so glad you have money coming in...one less stressor is always a good thing. And I hear you on your son. Mine's younger, and it's not video games with him, but it can be a very frustrating thing. I try to remind myself that ultimately he is responsible for how he chooses to live his own life, as we all are (and we really wouldn't have it any other way, you know?). One does what one can, but we can't really change another person, as much as we'd like to see them make other choices.

I'm not at all a hoarder, and can tell you that I think it is completely fair to keep your pants!!! (Lol, if you showed up at an appt. with her with no pants, she might see that that particular idea is patently ridiculous! If not, you could have me talk to her. I'd give her what for on that subject!
(If I may ask, what is hoarding associated with? I've always wondered, as my mother is definitely a hoarder and it's gotten far worse over the years.)

I'm so sorry that you are feeling so unmotivated at this time. May that switch flip soon for you.

[Beholden]

[lonegael]

Yoda, congrats on the selling of the horse. Now, can you call a friend and have them come over and pep you into the shower and drive with you to the bank? I find that when my motivation is at the slug level, I need to borrow someone else's. Come oN! YOU CAn DO IT YES YOU CAN! IF YOU CAN*T DO IT NO ONE CAN! HUgggggsssssss

[thinker22]

Don't know what to say about your struggles. Things can get too overwhelming at certain times of the year as we remember the anniversary of a tragedy. I lost my brother in 2003 to leukemia. Every spring I think about him...I do the rest of the year too, but it's different then. All I feel I can do is to send you hugs and the motivation that it takes to do the things that are necessary, but seem oh so difficult. Take care of yourself. Love yourself. Be good to yourself. You deserve happiness.

[Amazonmom]

Ugh! That's really stressful.

That organizer sounds useless. Packing things into boxes isn't helping you at all.

I'm sorry things are so difficult right now.

[Beholden]

Yoda,
Hoping you got a lift in spirits after your episode showed on Sunday evening.

You sounded so motivated and yet scared for what the future might bring your way. The extra hard part is done, all the physical work. Now it is up to you to ask for the help you need, when you need it. And right now it seems to me you need to call your pdoc for advise on how to keep moving forward sweetie.

I love that you sold one of your horses! How did the organizer feel about THAT?

Can you keep in touch with her or is that part over? Maybe you could tell her what you told us about putting things in boxes isn't working so much for you. Maybe she has another suggestion or two for you. Or ask your sisters. They want you to seceed too. We all do.

[FitPrk3]

I can totally relate to you Yoda with losing a person you care about. About two years ago while working at my last job, (welder, steel fabricator) in between lay offs, I had a co-worker, who was like a mentor to me, was one of two people that taught me everything I know with steel. But one day he was crushed to death by having 4,200lbs of steel fall on him and basically destroy every internal organ and bone. It was very tragic and I didn't know how to move on, I was stuck in my mental state that it should have been me. He was 66 years old, almost a year from retiring. It was supposed to my job but he did it instead. Not only do I feel the overwhelming feelings of guilt about his passing, but every year right around now, September actually, I do the same thing. I get depressed, I constantly am dragging my feet cause I feel like I shouldn't be having any fun when my co-worker should be alive and I should be dead. But it's never ever easy losing someone that you care deeply about. All you can do is try to keep your head up and realize that your loved ones wouldn't want to see you like this because of their passing. They would want us to be happy in every endevour we endure during our lives. We are supposed to carry on the torch for them...Make them proud.