[Medicated]

Help. I feel like I'm losing my mind again. I'm agitated. Can't sit still. Impulsive. Emotional. Irrational. I'm taking my meds but I feel almost as crazy as I did before I was hospitalized a little over a month ago. Just took a klonopin. Waiting for it to kick in. Wishing I had something much stronger. Literally writhing for no good reason. Don't know what to do. Something isn't right. What should I do??

[Amazonmom]

Does your Pdoc have an emergency number? I would call if you have one. Otherwise if you are feeling this bad I think the ER would be where to go.

I hope you feel better really soon.

[sundog]

Really sorry you're going through this. I agree that going to the ER is a good plan if you're feeling something isn't right. I hope the Klonopin kicks in and brings you some relief. Let us know how you are doing.

[Medicated]

I survived last night with the klonopin, but I still feel agitated and obsessive and quite grumpy this morning. I have an appointment with the Pdoc on Monday, but I'm thinking I might need to see him sooner if I can get in.

If I were to to go the ER, they'd probably hospitalize me and call it another mixed episode. I can't afford to be hospitalized right now. My school situation is precarious enough as-is, and I'm determined to somehow finish this program. I need this to just go away so I can be fully functional again.

Something isn't right, and I feel like reality is slowly (and thank goodness it's slow) slipping away from me. No hallucinations or anything... yet... but I don't think I'm too far off from that (actually, I think I hallucinated a light and a sound in my room last night that made me sit bolt upright right as I was falling asleep.)

So, I'm going to contact the psychiatrist again and ask him if he can see me sooner. Wish me luck.

[PT52]

Originally Posted by Medicated

I survived last night with the klonopin, but I still feel agitated and obsessive and quite grumpy this morning. I have an appointment with the Pdoc on Monday, but I'm thinking I might need to see him sooner if I can get in.

If I were to to go the ER, they'd probably hospitalize me and call it another mixed episode. I can't afford to be hospitalized right now. My school situation is precarious enough as-is, and I'm determined to somehow finish this program. I need this to just go away so I can be fully functional again.

Something isn't right, and I feel like reality is slowly (and thank goodness it's slow) slipping away from me. No hallucinations or anything... yet... but I don't think I'm too far off from that (actually, I think I hallucinated a light and a sound in my room last night that made me sit bolt upright right as I was falling asleep.)

So, I'm going to contact the psychiatrist again and ask him if he can see me sooner. Wish me luck.

As tough as it is to deal with your school situation, try not to put it above your well-being..if you can't see your p-doc sooner or if you feel like it's getting worse - go to the ER no matter what. Please?

[venusss]

You know, I fully get your feeling about school situation. Easy to say "well-being" comes first... but how to be well, when the situation you're in is not ideal? Do you have some coping mechanisms that work for you, to get you through the situation? Do you have somebody whom you can talk to?

Stay safe. sending some positive energy.

[Medicated]

My psychiatrist will see me tomorrow around noon. 25 hours to wait. I do have a psychologist but he called and rescheduled tomorrow's appt to monday. Maybe I'll see if he can see me sooner too.

[sundog]

That's great you're getting in to see your pdoc tomorrow. Really hope he can help! Hope you can see your psychologist sooner too. Good luck!!!

[Medicated]

I came home from school/work early today because I was just too distracted and too emotional. It's hard to focus on patients and learning when you're preoccupied with your own precarious mental state.

Now I'm on klonopin again... sleeping the day away and not getting any schoolwork done. At least it helps pass the time, but I should try to get SOMETHING done.

I don't know what the psychiatrist is going to want to say or do tomorrow. I've only met with him once, so I don't know if it's his style to try to manage situations like this on an outpatient basis, or if he's going to want to send me to the hospital for stabilization.

Part of me wants to be hospitalized. Part of me hopes that it isn't necessary. Most of me knows that it could be disastrous to my education and possibly ruin my career. I've fought so hard to get this far (within 4 months of graduating) that it would be tragedy if I couldn't make it.

Even on the klonopin, I'm nervous.

Bipolar really sucks sometimes.

[Amazonmom]

You are taking positive steps. Good job! I understand your school situation given that you are so close to finishing...

[vjdragonfly]

I hope you psychiatrist is able to help you tomorrow. Hopefully it will not result in hospitalization for your sake. You are so close to finishing that I hope you will be ok. Sending good vibes your way and wishing you the best.

[madisgram]

one thing i was told early on after being dx'ed was i was responsible for my bipolar-meaning if things weren't going right i needed to get help. good for you for all you have doneto do just that. you reached out for help. please keep us posted on the outcome. we care about you.

[Medicated]

Thanks for your support everyone. I am indeed scared, but [now that I've taken another klonopin] I'm sure it will work out. I'll let you know what he says tomorrow. Until then, yay for drugs that help keep me sane(r).

[sugahorse1]

You can make it!
You are being very responsible and doing what you can. You have notified your health care professionals (More than i can say for myself as I just chickened out of a T app!) I too take Klonopin until I feel numb. Then once I'm home I take a sleeping tab and hope that when I wake up in the morning I'll feel better. It's not ideal (I've been told i just don't face my emotions and sleep is my way of running away from everything) but until you see your pdoc, I guess this is the most responsible coping mechanism
I've fortunately never landed up in a place where I've hallucinated - please give me some insight if you are comfortable. When you feel it coming on and what the first subtle signs are.
Thinking of you!

[Medicated]

Ah, hallucinating. I've really only done it once before I was hospitalized mid-August. I'm sure it's different for everyone, but for me, it started with a deep and inescapable feeling that something just isn't right (which is what I'm feeling now). Then, while I was at church, the colors of people's clothing were distractingly bright. The patterns in the carpet and in the wallpaper seemed to wiggle a bit. Every now and then, I would see a dark figure in the corner of my eye, but when I turned (or jumped) to look, there was no one or nothing there. The scariest part was when people's faces looked grotesquely distorted to me - eyes too big or too small, mouth too big, teeth all over the place... just freaky. Should be no surprise that I had a massive panic attack. That's how I hallucinate. Fortunately, 1.5mg of klonopin made it go away that time, and I have a feeling that the klonopin I'm taking now is helping to stave it off this time around...

[PT52]

Originally Posted by Medicated

Ah, hallucinating. I've really only done it once before I was hospitalized mid-August. I'm sure it's different for everyone, but for me, it started with a deep and inescapable feeling that something just isn't right (which is what I'm feeling now). Then, while I was at church, the colors of people's clothing were distractingly bright. The patterns in the carpet and in the wallpaper seemed to wiggle a bit. Every now and then, I would see a dark figure in the corner of my eye, but when I turned (or jumped) to look, there was no one or nothing there. The scariest part was when people's faces looked grotesquely distorted to me - eyes too big or too small, mouth too big, teeth all over the place... just freaky. Should be no surprise that I had a massive panic attack. That's how I hallucinate. Fortunately, 1.5mg of klonopin made it go away that time, and I have a feeling that the klonopin I'm taking now is helping to stave it off this time around...

[Medicated]

Psychiatrist said that I can be managed as an outpatient, at least for now... but hospitalization is still on the table in case things get any worse. He's increasing my abilify to 20mg, and he wants me to take 1mg klonopin twice a day. Normally that dose would totally knock me out, but with as agitated as I've been, it's just enough to keep me fairly calm and sane. He's convinced that increasing the abilify will get me out of this mess, and that the klonopin will help me stay sane until the abilify kicks in. I guess we'll find out.

The psychologist was a little more worried, and at one point asked me if I would be "safe," or if I need to go somewhere where I can be safe. I reassured him that although I'm depressed by the course of the disease, I have no strong or clear plans to take my life. I just hate the thought that I'm likely facing a lifetime of intermittent misery thanks to my disease. He understood.

I'll see the psychologist again on Monday, and I see the psychiatrist again next Friday...

[Ithurts]

Originally Posted by Medicated

Help. I feel like I'm losing my mind again. I'm agitated. Can't sit still. Impulsive. Emotional. Irrational. I'm taking my meds but I feel almost as crazy as I did before I was hospitalized a little over a month ago. Just took a klonopin. Waiting for it to kick in. Wishing I had something much stronger. Literally writhing for no good reason. Don't know what to do. Something isn't right. What should I do??

Well, the thing is you are going crazy. I'm already there and it's not as fun as you'd think it would be.

[sundog]

I'm glad you got to see your pdoc and that he thinks this can be managed on an outpatient basis for now. I really hope that increasing the Abilify helps quickly. And it's good to hear that the Klonopin is doing it's job. Good luck with your psychologist on Monday!

[Medicated]

Originally Posted by Ithurts

Well, the thing is you are going crazy. I'm already there and it's not as fun as you'd think it would be.

I don't remember saying anywhere that I thought craziness would be fun. Having been there, I am fully aware that it is its own special circle of hell.

[Medicated]

Originally Posted by sundog

I'm glad you got to see your pdoc and that he thinks this can be managed on an outpatient basis for now. I really hope that increasing the Abilify helps quickly. And it's good to hear that the Klonopin is doing it's job. Good luck with your psychologist on Monday!

Thanks. I hope the med changes work quickly too.

...I have the bottle of klonopin sitting on the table in front of me, tempting me to take it all. 58mg sitting there, beckoning me. I won't do it, but ohhhhhh how I want to. I know it would just be a pathetic cry for help that would seriously traumatize my family. They don't deserve that.

It's still enticing though.

I gave my psychologist the contact information for my psychiatrist, and I hope they'll be in touch before my appointment on Monday. I would love to have them working together on this, since I think my t-doc can share some insights that the p-doc may not be able to pick up in our brief visits.

Sad thing is, I kind of want to be hospitalized. It can be a calm escape from the pressures of everyday life. Trouble is, those pressures build up to a disastrous state on the outside by the time you're released.

I'm not well, but I'm not quite sick enough to run away from it all...

[PT52]

Originally Posted by Medicated

I don't remember saying anywhere that I thought craziness would be fun. Having been there, I am fully aware that it is its own special circle of hell.

Hi Med - hug first , so...not sure if you are a little upset over Ithurts comment..new kid so I don't think it was meant personally. Maybe it just came out wrong. Goodness knows I'm always having words fall out of my mouth that aren't even vaguely what I intended! Another hug: Hope the change in meds works, positive vibes coming your way.

[vjdragonfly]

I'm glad things worked out and you are being taken care of outpatient. Hopefully the klonopin and the abilify will do the job and get you better. Sending good vibes your way.

[Medicated]

Originally Posted by PT52

Hi Med - hug first , so...not sure if you are a little upset over Ithurts comment..new kid so I don't think it was meant personally. Maybe it just came out wrong. Goodness knows I'm always having words fall out of my mouth that aren't even vaguely what I intended! Another hug: Hope the change in meds works, positive vibes coming your way.

The internet has a way of making things come out wrong. Whether or not s/he meant anything by it, I'm just really sensitive right now.

Thanks for your support though. I'm personally not very optimistic that increasing the abilify by 5 mg is going to make all that much of a difference, but I ought to try to have a little faith...

[larakeziah]

i really hope things work out for you! I think i'm gonna have to talk to my doc bout my meds. I think they need adjustin as they are not workin as well as they used to and also i think i might need somethin for my anxiety! Not in a good way so lets hope we can both get things sorted. Sending hugs and positive thoughts your way