[Trippin2.0]

I thought I was fine!
Turns out I'm completely effing delusional! WTF do i take my meds for then???

I don't know what to believe anymore, I don't even know why I bother sticking around EFF THIS. REALLY

[sugahorse1]

Dont let anyone tell you nonesense. Where does this perception of being delusional come from?
Please try sort out that app with you pdoc. And you can go see a T (Medical has to cover 15 outpatient sessions/year!)

[Trippin2.0]

Screw my Dr, he put me on meds and promised I'd be okay, instead I believe the effing lies my brain has been telling me for two months! EFF this, I dont wanna get into it, but Ive been believing a LIE, that's why I'm delusional, cos even with the facts in front of me, I STILL believe it, b/c somehow I know better, like I have some God-given gift of frickn special knowledge or something! Seriouslah, Screw it. I'm so over this kak, I'm quitting my meds so then at least I'll know why I'm SICK in the head!

[sugahorse1]

please think twice about stopping your meds - you know how important they are, how much they have helped. Without meds you'll be a wreck. Docs arent out there to hurt us... promise

[venusss]

At least do not quit cold turkey, please.

[Trippin2.0]

ontop of being delusional, I'M A BAD MOTHER!

my daughter got a cut in her head at school y.d, i took her to get stitches....

instead of supporting my princess and holding her hand, I HAVE A PANIC ATTACK!

what a way to boost my self-esteem...

my daughter got hurt, yet I'm crying like it's about me.

ARG and you wonder why I SI

[venusss]

You are not a bad mother... you were scared. Not everybody can keep calm in bad situation and it does not make you a bad person.

[Moreta]

I've been there and understand the delusional thinking. Maybe try writing your delusional thoughts out, so you can try to better understand them and where they are coming from. Don't stop taking your meds cold turkey, b/c TRUST ME, that does not help with the delusional thinking. It tends to make the situation worse. This too will pass, just be strong enough to make it through. You might not think you are strong enough, but deep down we all are strong enough to make it through the rough patches. Please take care of yourself during this time.

[Fresia]

I just had this converstaion with my pdoc and T too. I really do feel for you. The mind plays tricks on all of us and Moreta, T and pdoc recommended writing out the thoughts but then going back and putting whether or not there is fact behind it to support it, not necessarily feeling. I am really good at making the feelings turn into facts. After I did this day before yesterday and then again yesterday I relooked at it; I was able to gain a different perspective, once it was out of my head. Perhaps it might help you too.

If you do quit your meds, as opposed to adjusting them, don't do it cold. That really will do more harm than good. But maybe an adjustment or fine tuning is in order instead. Going back to nothing, is even more painful and disruptive for you and your family. As I found out recently, some things I had forgotten about this, the full scope of the illness I did not remember so going back to it full force untreated would be worse than adjusting for the current symptoms. We were able to do some serious tweeking and things are slowly getting better. Talk to them. Granted they should not have made any promises due to the nature of this, meds or not, but they are there to help. Really.

You are NOT a bad mother for getting upset and having a panic attack. It actually showed you were distressed over the situation and that you cared. You got her to treatment and all combined is what is important. Remember that.

No matter what you decide, there is help, be sure to use it. You are not alone. Hang in there.

[sugahorse1]

I've gone off meds cold turkey and it WAS NOT pleasant. Please try set up the app with your pdoc again and chat to him. You really sound like you could use T to help you accept and understand things. Also to get a clearer perspective.
I'm here for you my friend - please do look after yourself.

[ladyjrnlist]

I would have had a panic attack too! That's scary stuff to go through as a mommy. You didn't do anything wrong. If anything, it showed her how much you care because you got upset on her behalf. That's no weakness.
Please talk to a doc before changing the meds. Maybe they can help tweak them for you. Mine are being tweaked all the time. It's like I need a tune up every other month.
Don't give up on it. This is a constant struggle, I know. Maintaining emotional balance, having to focus on your thoughts and feelings most of the time, it's hard when you add that to the stresses of daily life.
We are glad you are here. Don't give up on yourself or treatment. It's an ongoing process, which sometimes quite frankly, sucks major!

[Warrioress]

Please calm down Trippin. You're being too harsh and unfair on yourself

[LaraLynn]

I am so sorry you feel this was sweetie. I know how hard the delusional part can be. And finding out you have been in the middle of a delusional phase when you did not know is hard. Bipolar is hard. I just went through this same thing. And I am still in it for all intents and purpose. When I was at my pdoc yesterday I was telling him that I am all better and then we started talking about my Dad and he asked if I still felt that my stepmother killed my father and I said YES. So he tells me you are still delusional. I told him I feel fine, I don't think I am delusional and I know she killed him. He said no it never happened and you are just delusional. My husband was with me. It was not fun.

As far as being a horrible mother how can you control a panic attack? That is a chemical reaction in your body. For people that have panic attacks and anxiety it is not something that they can just "get over" or control on their own. My ten year old son has just been put on meds because he has panic attacks. This is NOT something to beat yourself over. Yes, it is hard to feel like you should be there for you daughter and then have your own body fail you, but things happen. The Drs. took care of her...yes? She is ok now...yes? You were an awesome mother for taking her and caring so much that you got so scared. I need you to know that a horrible mother would not have gotten a panic attack. A horrible mother would not have been there to take her to the hospital.

Please don't go off your meds. I did. It made things so much worse for me. I had horrible delusions and hallucinations. I was extremey manic then depressed and then the worst mixed episodes ever. The scary thing is the kids. You find yourself saying things to them you would have NEVER said on medication. I am not talking about mean things just you don't have a censor so you just say anything and then they just stare at you and when you realize what you've said then you get defensive, but they're kids. Ugh just gets messy. Not sure if you're married, but that's a whole other can of worms if you go off your meds because your fights are SO not fair. You NO filter you have NO boundries and they hurt a LOT. And then there's the anger and the no sleep. To me it's not worth it. Please reconsider this decision. Please consider the really bad depression that could occur. Things could get really bad. Your family doesn't deserve this. You don't deserve this. YOU are worth so much more.

[Trippin2.0]

Being around my daughter has calmed me somewhat... Zero SI, *good 4 me* but then again,zero meds as well *bad girl* who knows... Maybe i'll change my mind tomorrow,my m0od sure will... Thanks for all the encouraging responses tho,it really helps to have a family like you guys!

[PT52]

Originally Posted by Trippin2.0

Being around my daughter has calmed me somewhat... Zero SI, *good 4 me* but then again,zero meds as well *bad girl* who knows... Maybe i'll change my mind tomorrow,my m0od sure will... Thanks for all the encouraging responses tho,it really helps to have a family like you guys!

Hey Trippin, please take your meds until you can get another medical opinion...

[sunnygirl1uk]

I totally agree with the others, please, please take your medication otherwise you might have a manic or a depressive episode....

Secondly how can you be a bad mother- you was sacred and reacted to the event. Simple as..

Thirdly dont be so hard upon yourself, your just a person with emotional needs, and maybe it will be better to get another opinion before coming off of your medicines.

[lonegael]

Hi trippin! first, I'm so sorry you are feeling so badly, so I'll warn ya' my post has two parts, if you are feeling strong, read it through, if not, read this part, skipp the middle, and read the last paragraph, save the middle for later

Two months, eh? At two months on any meds, I'm still walking wounded. The meds really haven't been put up to the amounts that are "therapeutically " effective, meaning the levels that studies show make the meds do what they are supposed to do. Even then, as a lot of posters have said, they don't always work right FOR YOU! This means tweaking, taking a little away, adding a little, etc. In addition, a lot of meds in the beginning do two very important things: they help us SLEEP, and they give us HOPE. Sleep helps us handle the day to day stuff better, but this is an effect that many meds have only as a side effect, and most are kind of happy to lose it. They simply make us tired. Still, it helps. Hope changes how we think about us and our situation and it is NOT a delusion or a placebo. It is what we need to handle our illness/syndrom/condition. It's what everyone needs to keep living.

A lot of what you are saying sounds like you are heading down. This will strongly effect how you see your self (bad mom) your meds (bad meds) and your doctors (bad doc). Personally, I don't think he should have promised you anything, this bipolar crap is no smoothe ride. I am so sorry you are hurrting so much. If I could and I didn't have this blasted cold I would reach right through and give you a big hug and tell you that yeah, this sucks. But you know, it will pass. It will get better, you are a good mother and you are doing your best, otherwise, you wouldn't be here. hang in there. HUGGGGGSSSSSSSSSS. Stick with it. Eventually, it will start working.

[wing]

BP or not, women question whether they are good mothers. Were the teachers bad teachers b/c your daughter fell? No, and you aren't a bad mom for freaking out a bit. The drs and nurses are used to it when it comes to parents.
Staying on meds will make you a better mom, though. All children deserve a mom who's the best she can be, regardless that no one is perfect. For us, that means constantly monitoring moods and meds. Just a fact of life.

[Trippin2.0]

Thanx to everyone for the support. It's appreciated, I am (reluctantly) taking my meds,and will see my pdoc Thursday... Thanks again guys.

[sugahorse1]

Glad to hear your weekend turned out ok. You are doing the right thing taking your meds. And also for setting up the app with your pdoc.
I hope your moods settle out quickly

[lonegael]

Hope you're feeling a little moore even, trippin'. sounds like a rough few days. HUGGS

[RyuB]

my daughter got a cut in her head at school y.d, i took her to get stitches....

instead of supporting my princess and holding her hand, I HAVE A PANIC ATTACK!

what a way to boost my self-esteem...

my daughter got hurt, yet I'm crying like it's about me.

sweets, this is *normal* for many many mothers. ask any nurse or emerg doc.

i've had friends get 10 x as upset as the kid did when the kid got hurt.

i watched a whole campsite practically go into hysterics when my little boy cut his head, while he stood there giving people weird looks because he hadn't felt more than a bonk and he didn't notice he was covered in blood head to foot - from a tiny 1-inch cut. it's a normal reaction to feel panic when someone, or even a loved pet, is hurt. for someone who has anxiety or panic attacks aside from this, to keep from being triggered by something real is very very hard. you are NOT a bad mother. your child got the help she needed. you did what was necessary. that is what a *good* mother does.

and it's normal for a good mother to feel guilty, too. i think that's a required ingredient lol.

if it still bothers you, tuck your daughter into your arms and ask her if it scared her when you got upset, and if she says yes, just tell her it was because you love her so much you got scared because she was hurt. i don't know if she's old enough to understand that, but if it scared her, you talking to her about it might help, and it might help you to explain to her.

[Trippin2.0]

if it still bothers you, tuck your daughter into your arms and ask her if it scared her when you got upset, and if she says yes, just tell her it was because you love her so much you got scared because she was hurt. i don't know if she's old enough to understand that, but if it scared her, you talking to her about it might help, and it might help you to explain to her.

Thanks Hon, I tried this approach and it seemed to have even things out between us.

Her wound is healing nicely, still erks me, but she's okay, and that's all that matters.

Thanks once again to everyone for their support♥

[RyuB]

if you're worried about that sort of thing happening again, you might consider taking a first aid course. that's what holds me together when someone gets hurt - knowing what needs to be done, knowing a list of steps to follow. for me at least, i can shove my panic into a cupboard long enough to get through, then when everything is okay, *then* i let myself fall apart. even if all you're doing is standing watching someone else do it, the training you've been through lets you know that things are properly being taken care of, and that helps keep panic under control. mind you, this won't work for everyone, and for me it only works for real emergencies (most of the time). something like my dog getting loose and going missing, i'm toast.

[Trippin2.0]

thing is I'm quite clued up...

When one of my friends or even myself got hurt, I handled it just fine, but when I saw the Dr inject Jordan's wound my stomach started churning, my legs turned to jelly, my eyes got blurry and i staredt hyperventilating... I've never been good with wounds, but with Jordan I seem to freak out worse than usual...

thanks for the advice tho