[midnight_soul]

Did any one in the (USA) see the Documentury last night "Who Will Stand" honoring the ALL Veterans of War? Well, I did and as I watched I felt so conected to these men and women even though I have never been in the military. These men and woman are so much like all of us, they have anxiety, sleep and eating issues, the self loathing, abuse, hatred etc. Many of them stated that when a soldier comes home, and if he/she is even willing to admit they are in need of help they are sent to a shrink for only one session, and all they get is to walk out with a prescription in hand and that's it. They have no where to go to talk, and if they even dare ask for help they are forever labled with a mental/physical disorder resulting in them being homeless, can't find work because they have this label on their record, OMG the list went on and on. Just a little FYI...I am going to do some research on finding a way to help them men/women in my town by offering a listening ear and promise to NEVER tell any one whay they say, not even my husband. I know we have at least a few here in my small town and after that show, I am guessing they feel the same way as what I saw on that show.

After it was over I told my husband.....do you get it now? I to have this "label" that I am mentally/physically incapable of work, however the governement as well and no lawyer will not help me to recieve disability, I also have sufferd many surgeries resulting in my pysical pain OFF THE CHARTS etc. All I get are pills pills and more pills. Then my shrink whom I trusted with my life for the past 6 years ruined what little of my mind I had left using me like a guinea pig with ECT making me believe....this will make every thing all go away. He told me that 75% of all ppl feel better after a number of treatments. Stupid ME did not do my research until it was to late. What I have found is the opposite to be true and trust me, I see him on the 23rd of this month and my husband is going in with me and BOY are we going to talk. I am ......PI**ED! We both already know the out come of this visit....more pills OR back in the hospital which I will refuse.

I feel like a no body. I can't remember sh**, my body feels that of an old woman that can't even get out of bed with out falling due to the emense pain and I could go on but why?....I know many of you "get it". Sad, but true. I am trying so hard to complete a job, washing windows inside and out and the pain it has caused is making me worse. But I MUST complete it because my husband is counting on me for the money, and it also drives me for my children. This will be money for Christmas, for my kids and I will not, can not give up no matter what. Yes I know money doesn't buy happiness and yes I know there are things I can make them etc. And for the record, I have taken that advise and I am making a few special things however, they are just kids ya know? They are counting on momma to give them just one thing each on their wish list they make just for me knowing momma isn't rich like Grandma. I just can't let them down any more than I already have in their short lives here on earth.

Still, my hands are already so swollenfrom the work they look like they are going to bust and my body is in unimanigable pain. I have until 2 days before thanks giving. My husband said he will help me this weekend to see if together we can get it done. As grateful as I am for his help, it also just reminds me of what a failure I truly am. I can't do ANYTHING by myslef except....use the toilet and some times I can't even do that right. You know...you in the middle of...uuuuummmm...THE BROWN ONE realize you have no toilet paper and NO ONE IS HOME!. Thank God there are many uses of the TOWEL. Other than that .....God I am sick of pills. But I can't make it without them.



I just feel that no matter what I say or do or how many pills I take or don't take, I will never get well. I can't get over the loss of my children, that one is the BIGGY! I look in the mirror and try to tell myself ....I love you.... but all I see is dark baggy eyes, frown lines from hell, ugly musshy celulite....I ccould be the poster girl.......YUCK!

Please don't any one take this wrong, I know it is going to come out sounding bad (4give me).....but I am at the point that when any one sends me words of encouragement I just toss it out of my mind. It doesn't help me at all. Im sorry, I mean no harm but come on, I KNOW there are MANY of you that feel the same way so why do we do it? Why not just be honest and say.....I don't know....the truth??? Having said that I do appreciate all of you please don't think I am big meanie, I just want a place such as this that I can get out the truth in my soul and not be condemned to hell for it.

My appologies to the moderators if you feel you must edit my post but I ask you....think before you do. My words are just as true for many who are afraid to say it....I know it in my gut. But if you do, I am sorry if I have offended or broken any rules. I have read all the guidelines etc, I may be walking on thin ice here but I have to get it out and pray I am not breaking any rules.

Sorry this was so long. My soul is heavy 2 day.

If I could do anything I want 4 the good.....I would make a difference in some ones life 4 the better. I can't help myself, but I would give the shirt off my back, coat and all if they were cold and in need. I truly would however, God help those who may see me as I dash to my Van naked....it may ruin them 4 EVER.

2 every one....do not fear who you are just for one day.....TODAY.

Every one, if you chose not to reply here in public, feel free to do so through my personal email

angellesa2002@yahoo.com

[lonegael]

((((((Midnightsoul))))))) No fear. HUggs

[kitty004567]

(((Midnightsoul)))

[SunnyD]

I saw the documentary. My husband thought it was something I should watch but man it was hard to see how the VA has left them in the lerch. It was so depressing. Seeing the lack of after care is so upsetting. Like you I am hoping to do something about it too.
But this seems to have been very triggering for you. I'm sorry. Consider yourself hugged by me and I am a fantastic hugger.
Keep posting, we love you.

[kitty004567]

I've had more time to think since my last post. I'm so glad you're going to try to reach out to vets in your area. I've got several friends here who have to travel over 2.5 hours to get to the VA where they wait for hours to see their social worker and or doctor before they come back. The worst part is that by the time they get back better than half the time their medicines haven't been called in yet. Thank you for taking the time to care.

[midnight_soul]

I must admit I thought there would be more replies to at least part of my message. Oh well, I guess I am wrong in feeling the way I do....it must ONLY be me that has these feelings of what others say, and .....well I will leave it at that. I am not judging, just shocked I guess.

Thank you to the 4 that did reply. I will update U as soon as I find a way to do as I said I would do....it make take a while. You know, polotics and crap like that. Isn't that sad....we have to have permission from a government office JUST to offer a listening ear or help set up a group night once a month for example. I prob. won't do anything until after Christmas because I am leaving the state soon to go be with my children and family and won't be back until the first week of Jan.

[Ryask]

reposted

[madisgram]

thank you for your compassion for our vets. my son is career military and i could talk on and on about what i know. and the VA system is AWFUL!!!!!!!!! vets just give up and don't receive treatment. i took my ex-husband-a vet-to get routine bloodwork etc at the VA. it was an all day affair. and NO ONE is fixing this incredibly broken system. ppl like my career military officer/active duty son-5 combat war tours-have many health issues they keep secret because of fear of being bumped. when my son recently got a medical deferment until surgery, his commanding officer still insisted he go to afgh. when he reminded him of the temporary deferrment-needs back surgery for one-he still wanted him to be deployed. in discussion his superior said well if you use that to not go, perhaps it's time for you to retire-my son has 21 years in active duty and is only 40 yrs. old.
as for your own medical issues, sounds like you're doing your best. sometimes when i feel discouraged-i'm on disability-i try to help someone else and it does lift my spirits. i'm glad your hubby takes the helpful attitude for you. i'm sure that helps too.

[Ryask]

Originally Posted by midnight_soul

I am going to do some research on finding a way to help them men/women in my town by offering a listening ear and promise to NEVER tell any one whay they say, not even my husband.

People who are qualified to offer "a listening ear" are taught how to not take on the emotions of other people, to not bring the negative things they may hear on personally and MOST importantly they need to debrief after hearing things like that by talking about them. That's why all councilors, therapists tell you that the information will be kept withing the agency and they never say me and you are the only ones that will ever know what is said.They debrief with other professionals. I don't know if you are educated in such things or not, but i would be careful. I know you want to help, and i know you feel sympathy or maybe even empathy but are you sure that you are well enough if your own life to take this burden on without being able to debrief from it because of your promise not to tell anyone? Also have you considered what you might do or say if they tell you they are going home to kill themselves? Or if they say i get so mad i beat my child or wife? You absolutely can not say you will never tell anyone. How would you feel if you didn't say anything and then you found out they really did go home and kill themselves? Your best bet is to say that your there to listen but there are some limitations to your confidentiality. The limitations are if they express that they are going to harm themselves or someone else or do something illegal.

Originally Posted by midnight_soul

All I get are pills pills and more pills. Then my shrink whom I trusted with my life for the past 6 years ruined what little of my mind I had left using me like a guinea pig with ECT making me believe....this will make every thing all go away. He told me that 75% of all ppl feel better after a number of treatments. Stupid ME did not do my research until it was to late. What I have found is the opposite to be true and trust me, I see him on the 23rd of this month and my husband is going in with me and BOY are we going to talk. I am ......PI**ED! We both already know the out come of this visit....more pills OR back in the hospital which I will refuse.

If he said 75% of all people feel better and that he thought it might be helpful do you really think you should be mad at him? He didn't say 100 percent of all people feel better. I am certain he would not do something to intentionally harm you. It has saved many people and it certainly isn't his fault if it didn't work for you. You can be mad about the situation, mad that it didn't work out but you can't really be mad at him for wanting to help you?

This is not meant to discourage you. I'm trying to be honest with you. You said

Originally Posted by midnight_soul

I am at the point that when any one sends me words of encouragement I just toss it out of my mind. It doesn't help me at all. Im sorry

So here is my words that are slightly less encouraging and i am wondering if that helps or feels better then the encouragement you receive while "debriefing" on this forum.

[midnight_soul]

I had good intentions with my post, I appologize if any one took it the wrong way however, I did not deserve to be brutilized making me feel stupid all over again. I guess this place isn't for me after all. I came here for help, I came here to express my inner thoughts even if I cant achieve them. I didn;t come here to be hurt. Honesty is one thing, hatefullness is the opposite.

[midnight_soul]

I sent you a P.M. U took all that I said and twisted it around making me look like a fool, thanks

[sane1logic1]

I'm hoping the vision you have to help others will come to fruition & that Christmas works out somehow in spite of things.

Pain can be so distressing.

[Ryask]

Originally Posted by midnight_soul

I sent you a P.M. U took all that I said and twisted it around making me look like a fool, thanks

I didn't make you look like a fool, i tried to caution you about what you were saying, as a matter of fact i told you that if you wanted to do it you would have to let them know about limitations of confidentiality beforehand. I think if you do some breathing and relax a bit before coming back to the post you will pick up on some key words from my post:

" i know you feel sympathy or maybe even empathy but are you sure that you are well enough in your own life to take this burden on without being able to debrief from it because of your promise not to tell anyone?"

"Your best bet is to say that your there to listen but there are some limitations to your confidentiality"

Do those statements really seem like they are meant to make you feel stupid, or feel like i am being hateful or cruel. Or do they maybe feel like me caring about your well being and wanting to help you do what you want to by offering suggestions about how you can protect both yourself and the people coming to you by letting them know about limitations of confidentiality.
This indicates that i think you should do more research before you start. I do apologize that you felt i was being hateful but i can assure you that was not my intent. If i wanted to be hateful i would not have expressed any concern about you at all or maybe i would have said something rude without offering you anything to think about before you started.

Anyways i think you should stay on the site and if you feel my comments are not helpful i will no longer post anything to you, it's really no skin off my back. I am sure we can share the site.

Best of luck,

Tina

Originally Posted by midnight_soul

I had good intentions with my post, I appologize if any one took it the wrong way however, I did not deserve to be brutilized making me feel stupid all over again. I guess this place isn't for me after all. I came here for help, I came here to express my inner thoughts even if I cant achieve them. I didn;t come here to be hurt. Honesty is one thing, hatefullness is the opposite.

I'm sorry to not have responded to this, for a number of reasons, mainly of which I have not seen the documentary (we do not have tv), don't know any folks directly involved with the military and therefore cannot make any meaningful comment, but that in this and in many ways, I despair and am .... I don't even know the word... for the way that they who are shuffled aside, along with many others for various reasons from receiving needed help. It breaks my heart. I do not feel at all that you are stupid, or that it was now improper in any way to bring this here. It is hard to express certain things (referring now to another of your posts, in which I have felt similarly... I understand the whys, but the limitation still often makes me feel I cannot express certain things that are very central). I completely feel that you belong here. Very much. And I hope you can understand this, from my heart to yours.... Not sure what else to say.

[sadface]

You are doing a wonderful thing for your children by making sure they have something from you at Christmas. I am sorry you are in so much pain. When you look in the mirror I wish you could see yourself as God sees you. He says we are fearfully and wonderfully made! A person that can have all the stuff going on as you do AND are able to care about what others are going through has a big heart. May I say that it sounds as though you have alot you are carrying right now and that we all need help so there isn't anything wrong with someone helping us from time to time. You may look at this post and toss it out too but I just wanted you to know I read your thread and the posts and my heart aches for you. I have been so messed up in my life at times. I happen to be in a really good place now and I am so thankful. I had to go through alot but I made it. I am a survivor and I believe you are too.

[Loveandhope]

Midnightsoul,how are you coming along? Have read just this thread,none of the others yet love.Believe that you felt harmed by Ryasks post.Honestly don't see any malicious intent.Feel that thoughtful insights were leveled.Know this issue is very close to your heart.Seems you feel a deep passion about it & in a sandstorm of painful emotion.Do take some time to recover from this feeling .Come back and reread.Response is asking you to think more and see other angles and perspectives.Please feel better.People care.No malevolence in post.You feel passion and empathy.Those are lovely to have.Open your mind objectively to different angles.Reread their post & consider the thoughts there to see it newly.If still you cannot value the thoughts,discard them.At the finish see the gift of having a wider realm of input.The beauty of reaching out:A wide scope! LahLah=loveandhope/Stacia