Trigger

Anyone ever fantasize about suicide, even though you know that you would hurt too many people if you did it? Ever wrack your brain for ways to disappear, but still be aware of the world you left?

At night, this is where my thoughts go. Usually by morning, I am not thinking in this way, but today the thoughts are floating through. I go to DBT today, and my p-doc and T tomorrow.

Sure, I've felt that way before. Even tried to run away or think of ways to make my death looks accidental. I.E. running into a overpass in my car. I'd ask for an adjustment of meds, personally. What are you on?

I do - I think about it a lot. Usually starts mid morning if I'm down, and it only leaves by the time I get home from work. If I'm REALLY depressed, I may be forced to have a sleeping tab and go to bed before I do act.

I have thoughts even if I don't really mean to do it... I sit on a window in high building and all of sudden I think "what if I just leaped myself off?".

Then I try to justify it by saying that I wouldn't know what happens to my family because I would be dead. Then I scare myself, and try to find ways of disappearing without hurting anyone and still being able to observe the world.

I do this a lot when I'm in a bad place. However, when I'm doing well I don't fantasize about suicide. I hope you are doing well.

How do you know when the thoughts are serious and you are in danger? I don't think I would do anything, but at this time last year I never thought I would ever SI and I did recently.

I don't want to share the thoughts with anyone, but I know for my own good that I have to tomorrow to p-doc and T. I just want to know at what point do they have to break confidentiality?

When they think you may act on suicidal thoughts they will intervene.

I don't think I am in danger at the moment. I keep thinking how ironic it is that I am doing things and functioning (at least minimally) on the outside and I have this inner world on the inside that is all about disappearing. Weird.

It's often my first sign to myself that I'm headed to a bad spot. My favorite is driving down the road and suddenly thinking, "What if the steering column just snapped..." I usually don't really want to die, I just want to escape from the stress of the moment and the hospital is a place where someone else takes responsibility for me.

That's when I treat myself to a movie or a new book or a bubblebath. BEFORE I get to the point of really wishing I was dead.

I did finally take a shower today for the first time in two weeks. It felt better. I didn't realize how yucky my hair was.

There is a theory that showering can help you get off the negative energy that accumulates on your body... It's not just about the physical filth... it's a way to cleanse yourself of the bad vibes and energy.

So making yourself to shower AND imagining how the bad stuff is being washed away might be quite helpful.

I know what you mean... When I'm in a low place I often think about what would happen if I just disappeared... Especially when I drive I can't help but wonder, "What would happen if I accelerated right into the tree right there?"

Of course I've never acted upon these impulses because they are more just wandering, depressed thoughts rather than impulses. It's a bad place to be though and I'm sorry that you're feeling so down.

Keep us updated! We're here for you

The thing that worries me is that these thoughts and fantasies comfort me.

BNLsMOM, yeah. In reading your posts here, can certainly relate. I've always had a hard time knowing at what point they become truly problematic. "They" say oh, when thoughts move to.... da ta da ta da" (if I say plans and acquisitions, is that crossing a line???), it is problematic. But by the time my mind got there, it all seemed so damned logical, and therefore *not* problematic to my way of thinking! Your last post just really clinched having to respond. I found at my very most... what to call it? (most out of touch with reality/reason?)... times... comfort, relief in my thoughts and actions. Whatever it was, it did not seem negative at all to me. Now, being in a much better place (hard right now, but compared to then?! ) I can see that I was at a very dangerous place.

Long and short of that is, yes, that should worry you, BNLsMOM. Please take care and help while it still does worry you. Because when it doesn't? Yeah, let's not even go there.

Much much

I'll be talking about it and asking for help tomorrow. Like you said, Innerzone, I am still in a place where I know that having these thoughts comfort me is bordering on dangerous. I have been in this place before, but I am afraid that I might be a little "braver" (for lack of a better word) because I crossed the line from thinking about si a few weeks ago and actually did minor damage to my arm. I went into the hospital after that for nine days.

My T tells me to phone her when I'm in danger - but when is that line crossed? I do think that once you've tried, you do become braver and it seems much easier. I do get very down and negative at times, I also fantasize about crashing my car into a tree or bridge. And I feel totally calm about it.

After I come out of my depression though, I look back and realise how ridiculous those thoughts were, and that things aren't really that bad

I went into great detail with my T about my thoughts and feelings and he was able to offer very kind words of support with no threat of hospitalization. I have another appointment with him (and my husband) tomorrow and he said that I can call him 24/7.

My p-doc is working with me on med tweaks.

I'm so glad you talked to your T and found him supportive. It seems like he's taking you quite seriously and is there to help. :-) It looks like your whole support system is working together to help you feel better - yay!

I'm also glad your T was so supportive and willing to help. I hope these thoughts are over shortly

Same here. Remember, dear. There is no way I know at least that you can just opt out and still be around to observe. TOO big a risk that it won't work. Glad to hear like above that your system seems to be working. Hang in there, OK? it sounds like the wires have goten themselves a bit crossed. I know that when I get really stressed and anxious more then down, I stat hinking along those llines, and it's NOT a good thing. Keep safe, hon. HUGGGGSSSSS

How are things going? Have some of the thoughts started to subside? Have you managed to keep yourself occupied with positive things?