[sugahorse1]

I don't know what mood I'm in. I think I'm about to hit a downwards spiral. I'm feeling sorry for just about everything, including just BEING. I am a drain on people around me, because I just cannot be happy. And I cannot pull myself out of this muddle.
My anxiety is going through the roof, but a bit concerned to take Klonopin as I'm already exhausted and it will make me even more drowsy (OK, i did have 0.5 mg...)
I'm just battling to see light at the moment. and I haven't had a trigger, I think I'm managing to fly below the radar...
My body and mind is just shutting down; and I feel so emotional. I don't know what to expect next.

[larakeziah]

I think i know exactly how you are feelin right now. I'm in that same place and am struggling. I hope we can both get through this rough time. Sending hugs and all the good thoughts i can muster up! Take care of yourself!

[sugahorse1]

thanks! trying to go for a smoke or anything to get away from my desk

[larakeziah]

I have an appointment in half an hour or else i'd be hiding away in my bedroom, probably be asleep cos i'm exhausted and i don't feel i can face anyone! I was begining to get really anxious whilst i was in the shops! I jus want to be away from it all!

[BlackPup]

keep on going.... I'm not sure how, coz I'm crappy at the moment too, but it will get better. HOpe you get your meds sorted soon. Love your new pic, is that you and your horse?

[sugahorse1]

yes, the new pic is my riding horse, Ozzie

[wing]

I'm feeling low, too...like I'm non-essential to everyone and a failure at life. I keep telling myself that this is the BP ,not the real me, and I WILL fight until I get myself back. I'm going to drag myself out to exercise. It always helps, though hard to motivate most days.

[sugahorse1]

yes, it's a lot of hard work to actually get up and out, but you have to

[PT52]

Hope everyone will feel better soon! Lots of positive vibes going out from one continent to three others!

[madisgram]

suga, sorry you're in an episode. i hope you feel much better real soon. FINALLY my depressed mood has lifted. i can totally relate to your feelings...just know it's the chemical imbalance not you. you are special to us that know you here.
ps loved the new pic!

[widgets]

do you know how much i admire you. everything you say i can relate to except for the fact that you seem to find the strength to carry on and that inspires me!
i know it doesnt feel like it but you aren't failing in the fact the you're still going to work and still living life, if if you're not feeling it, you're doing it.
A lot of people cant do that, i certainly cant.

My love goes out to you though, have you tried good old fashioned chocolate? even if it doesnt help it still tastes good! x

[Trippin2.0]

Thinking of you my dear friend, and YES I def LOVE the new pic♥

[kitty004567]

I hope you're feeling better soon! I agree with widgets you are inspiring. It sounds like you're going through a really ruff time and dealing... that's the best any of us can do. Good wishes towards everyone who's feeling down.

[sugahorse1]

Thanks to everyone for their support. I do have a hard time, a lot of the time. But I try my best to give back when I am feeling stable.

I just cannot wait to get my meds sorted and be more stable. I'm teaching my boyfriend about BP every day, and he's getting a lot more supportive - but I know what a nightmare it must be for him to try and follow my moods and understand my irrational behaviour.
I crave human attention, yet at the same time often wish i could run away, sit on top of a mountain, and just stare away into the horizon. I really can be such an emotional person on the inside, yet come across as a strong, possibly rude, person to those that don't really know me. I know I appear hard, I swear, I tell people what I think of them, I have rage issues... but that's the BP and trying to wear a mask at other times.
I am not a shy person, but i can become to introverted. I spend so much time in my head; I don't allow myself to deal with emotions, as I tend to dwell on them (Not sure how much sense that makes)
It's only 8:30 AM here, and other than being very tired, I cannot put my finger on my mood today yet. Did tell my bf I intend to take a sleeping tab and sleep all of Saturday to recharge some batteries - physically and emotionally.
It's been a bit of a roller coaster this week. Last weekend I visited a friend and it was good to be away; but now I'm back in the reality of life and having to roll with its every punch. I have to take on responsibility again, for myself, my boyfriend, my happiness...
Wow - just realised I can write an awful lot of waffle; guess that's what happens when your brain is a jumble and runs away with you...!

[lonegael]

Sounds like everyone needs one huge group hugggggggggggggg. My word, is it just November or did someone squirt soemthing in the air? I agree, strong positive vibes out to everyone from this continent as well. Suga, good going, you are doing the absolute best you possibly can and you are showing the rest of us what one can do on guts alone. I hope you can get a break from this soon, hon. You must be so. exhausted.

Wow, so can relate to so much of your post, sugahorse! Am definitely an introvert though --except when hypomanic, then won't shut the heck up! And not so much on the strong thing... more serious but usually joking (does that make sense? Lol.) person at work, even though being a rather silly person in "real" life. As much as possible outside of depression anyway. And the spending time in your head sentence? Yup. Total sense. Waffle? Doesn't sound like waffle to me! But if you think it is waffle, waffle away! Hope things smooth out for you soon, sweetie!

[lonegael]

By the way, beautiful horse, suga! What breed, if I might ask? Or is he an original bred for personality and other important things Most of ours in California were like that. He looks like a real comfort and farmore stabilizing than anything I'm taking

[sugahorse1]

@Lonegael - He's an English Thoroughbred (Typical racehorse). He was born in Australia, and brought to South Africe when he was a few months old. He grew up and raced here. He won 4 races before I got him, and am in the process of teaching him how to be a normal horse and then a jumper. His name is My Fair Friend, but I call him Ozzie as he came from Australia :-)

@ Innerzone - thanks for understanding and reading my LONG post.

@ Everyone - your support really is invaluable to me - I have found so much personal strength through you; even the strength to stand up for myself in my relationship. I am learning more about managing BP by the day. You guys pick me up when I've hit the bottom. Thanks so much xx
Jackie

[lonegael]

What a lovely guy! What a fantastic resource too! Huggs!

[sugahorse1]

Thanks everyone. About to enter a mixed episode - Part 1. Lol. I just know. I can feel the tearfulness, needing extra sleep, high irritability... arg

[Gus1234U]

sweet dreams and hope you wake up recharged and feeling a lot more stable, suga,, it's been good reading your posts, and the replies you got... thanks for that~!~ reminds me of how far i have come, no more deep mood swings, no more immobility, for a yr or more now,, i hope you get there too,, ( i am using an alternative to meds, called CenterPointe auditory therapy, you can read more in Other Therapies Forum),, best wishes~ Gus

Hang on suga! They are so frustrating.... but we're here!

[sugahorse1]

Thanks everyone.

[lonegael]

How's it going today, suga?

[sugahorse1]

Still in a bit of a funk. And very tired, even though I've managed to squeeze in 9 or so hours of sleep. But trying to just take things easy.
And trying to sort out my relationship, to ensure my needs are met.
Not sure what state of mind I really am in right now.. i feel a bit dissociated and on a go-slow