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#26
Nov 10, 2010, 06:41 AM
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so now T wants to move my app again. And on Friday she's gone for 3 weeks - so I am all alone. And need to find the strength to get through any hurdles thrown my way. scary...
trigger for me. Especially as I'm vulnerable right now
__________________
"I'd rather attempt to do something great and fail than to attempt to do nothing and succeed. Robert H. Schuller" Current dx: Bipolar Disorder Unspecified Current Meds: Epitec (Lamotrigine) 300mg, Solian 50mg, Seroquel 25mg PRN, Metformin 500mg, Klonopin prn |
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#27
Nov 10, 2010, 07:02 AM
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what the H is your T's problem?
I seriously hope you get the medical attention you need and deserve. In the mean time, we are here for you! ♥
__________________
 DXD BP1, BPD & OCPD  "The best way to make it through with hearts and wrists in tact, is to realise, two out of three aint bad" FOB...
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#28
Nov 10, 2010, 07:52 AM
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I understand my T needs to go away (She's coming to your side of the world!) she needs to support her husband. Kind of an emergency. But for some reason I feel I'm being let down, even though I know it's the furthest thing from the truth. I have to understand that things like this happen. I'm battling to internalise it though. I was worried about starting T in the first place, as it becomes the epicenter of my life, my crutch I cling onto, and without it, my whole world crumbles.
Right now, with me being in the wrong frame of mind anyway, I cannot bring myself to go see her-it's almost like it will be too painful to see her and then have to stress about being alone for 3 weeks. (I know i'm not ALONE, I have PC, my bf, my horse, some friends...) but no T.
__________________
"I'd rather attempt to do something great and fail than to attempt to do nothing and succeed. Robert H. Schuller" Current dx: Bipolar Disorder Unspecified Current Meds: Epitec (Lamotrigine) 300mg, Solian 50mg, Seroquel 25mg PRN, Metformin 500mg, Klonopin prn |
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#29
Nov 11, 2010, 01:50 AM
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Wow - here's to three weeks of no T...? eek. Really stressed me out badly
__________________
"I'd rather attempt to do something great and fail than to attempt to do nothing and succeed. Robert H. Schuller" Current dx: Bipolar Disorder Unspecified Current Meds: Epitec (Lamotrigine) 300mg, Solian 50mg, Seroquel 25mg PRN, Metformin 500mg, Klonopin prn |
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#30
Nov 11, 2010, 03:19 AM
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Hang in there suga! Remember we're always here if you need to talk.
__________________
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#31
Nov 11, 2010, 04:47 AM
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And work is stressing me out to no end. Told them they cannot put me in a new role, with no training, and start holding me accountable for everything within 3 months. I've studied correspondence, so i know how to learn on my own, but it takes time.
And the fact I am BP too, does not help. Wow - yesterday I nearly contacted my T about the right way to possibly approach my bosses and disclose my BP to them. But I really don't think it's in my career's best interest. Anyway, I've been told to investigate a new role, as a "Space Planner" in retail. Don't think that's quite it for me either. I cannot handle stress. I am sleeping more and more. I fly off the handle in pure rage. I am not a nice person to be around anymore. I cannot let people walk all over me, but I cannot think straight, and my defense is to lash out at them. At the same time I want to run away and hide from it all.
__________________
"I'd rather attempt to do something great and fail than to attempt to do nothing and succeed. Robert H. Schuller" Current dx: Bipolar Disorder Unspecified Current Meds: Epitec (Lamotrigine) 300mg, Solian 50mg, Seroquel 25mg PRN, Metformin 500mg, Klonopin prn |
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#32
Nov 11, 2010, 08:58 AM
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I'm starting to spiral into depression and am hating the feeling. I actually don't know what to do with myself, as I even feel uncomfortable in my own skin. Not sure how to explain that sensation. But it's making me uneasy
__________________
"I'd rather attempt to do something great and fail than to attempt to do nothing and succeed. Robert H. Schuller" Current dx: Bipolar Disorder Unspecified Current Meds: Epitec (Lamotrigine) 300mg, Solian 50mg, Seroquel 25mg PRN, Metformin 500mg, Klonopin prn |
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#33
Nov 11, 2010, 09:00 AM
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We are here for you suga♥
Hope you feel better soon!
__________________
DXD BP1, BPD & OCPD "The best way to make it through with hearts and wrists in tact, is to realise, two out of three aint bad" FOB...
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#34
Nov 11, 2010, 09:22 AM
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thanks Trippin,
really not in a great spot... cannot wait for work to end... over this day...over this job... over this life...
__________________
"I'd rather attempt to do something great and fail than to attempt to do nothing and succeed. Robert H. Schuller" Current dx: Bipolar Disorder Unspecified Current Meds: Epitec (Lamotrigine) 300mg, Solian 50mg, Seroquel 25mg PRN, Metformin 500mg, Klonopin prn |
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#35
Nov 11, 2010, 09:41 AM
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baby steps at a time hon...
__________________
DXD BP1, BPD & OCPD "The best way to make it through with hearts and wrists in tact, is to realise, two out of three aint bad" FOB...
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#36
Nov 11, 2010, 12:12 PM
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   suga!!!
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#37
Nov 11, 2010, 03:48 PM
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Can only echo the others dear, one step, minute second at a time. can't live your life in a heart beat. can you close your eyes and imagine leaning your cheek against a warm horse's flank, feeling him breathe, smelling his scent? can you imagine breathing with him a bit? If it helps, try this a litle when you feel the stress building up at work and you can just sit a few seconds. Hugggs hon. wish i could snatch you out of it.
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#38
Nov 12, 2010, 03:04 AM
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bursting into tears in a corporate environment is NOT cool. Just had my eyes opened by a colleague - the same happened to another guy @ work - too much pressure was put on him, he was picked on until there really was no way for him to cope, but to resign. I can see they want to force my hand.
And my support structure is very limited. My T is away for 3 weeks, my bf has major issues with partners in his company, so he's not there for me. This only makes the lonliness more of a reality. And I just cannot cope with the work like I'm supposed to. I feel like a wounded dog pushed into a corner. But the snapping hasn't intimidated anyone, and I don't have the strength to bite.
__________________
"I'd rather attempt to do something great and fail than to attempt to do nothing and succeed. Robert H. Schuller" Current dx: Bipolar Disorder Unspecified Current Meds: Epitec (Lamotrigine) 300mg, Solian 50mg, Seroquel 25mg PRN, Metformin 500mg, Klonopin prn |
 lonegael
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#39
Nov 15, 2010, 05:22 AM
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got through the weekend. Very irritable, and slept 12 hours Fri night and again Sat night, but I guess I needed it. Had a quiet weekend, and managed to see my horse on Sunday.
So, right now I don't really know what i feel, but i'm coping.
__________________
"I'd rather attempt to do something great and fail than to attempt to do nothing and succeed. Robert H. Schuller" Current dx: Bipolar Disorder Unspecified Current Meds: Epitec (Lamotrigine) 300mg, Solian 50mg, Seroquel 25mg PRN, Metformin 500mg, Klonopin prn |
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#40
Nov 22, 2010, 03:56 AM
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I've worked it all out - it's my job that is killing me. It gives me no purpose or sense of achievement, yet takes a minimum of 9 hours/day, 5 days a week. I cannot just live for the weekends. I woke up Sunday morning in tears - I think I was tired emotionally and phyically - but most importantly the fact that my life seemed to go around in circles - that hurt the most. It was hard to get out of bed; my boyfriend was eventually taking strain, because I was depressing him.
I've applied for a few new jobs, and will see if something comes of it. Right now, I unfortunately cannot just quit my job. It hurts to have this void that just cannot be satisfied
__________________
"I'd rather attempt to do something great and fail than to attempt to do nothing and succeed. Robert H. Schuller" Current dx: Bipolar Disorder Unspecified Current Meds: Epitec (Lamotrigine) 300mg, Solian 50mg, Seroquel 25mg PRN, Metformin 500mg, Klonopin prn |
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#41
Nov 22, 2010, 04:39 AM
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Be proud of yourself for figuring it it out, AND taking steps to improve your situation
 I empathize with your current situation, so believe me when I say " I understand"... It can be extremely draining to run around in circles with ZERO benefit, at the end of the day, a paycheck is not worth the torture... Good news? You're STILL standing! Now THAT'S an accomplishment of note  I hope you find a new FULFILLING job soon me friend
__________________
DXD BP1, BPD & OCPD "The best way to make it through with hearts and wrists in tact, is to realise, two out of three aint bad" FOB...
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#42
Nov 22, 2010, 05:30 AM
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Knowing that my job is not what works for me, is only half the way to sorting this out.
No, a paycheque is NOT enough. It pays for my horse (The one thing that's there unconditionally) pays for my car, my bond/motgage, and gorceries (Plus a bit of savings). But I'm not living life. I'm not alive. Why am I still standing? Because I have a trip planned to Jozi on Saturday & Sunday with my bf and mother-in-law and I can't let them down. And I have my pdoc app on 1 December, and see my T again on 6 December, after she's been away for close to 4 weeks. But is this really enough of a reason to carry on being alive?
__________________
"I'd rather attempt to do something great and fail than to attempt to do nothing and succeed. Robert H. Schuller" Current dx: Bipolar Disorder Unspecified Current Meds: Epitec (Lamotrigine) 300mg, Solian 50mg, Seroquel 25mg PRN, Metformin 500mg, Klonopin prn |
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#43
Nov 22, 2010, 05:38 AM
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Keep holding on Jackie, you'll see, the clouds will part soon...
There's so much more to life than money, jobs and bipolar... We just need to hang around to be able to embrace it... You're amazing, do u know that? Jozi doesn't need to be worth it, your T doesn't need to be worth it, your job CERTAINLY doesn't need to be worth it... Because YOU ARE WORTH IT... THAT, my friend is all the reason you need to stay standing. Don't rob yourself, don't let BP rob you, keep on keeping on, you will smile again♥ 
__________________
DXD BP1, BPD & OCPD "The best way to make it through with hearts and wrists in tact, is to realise, two out of three aint bad" FOB...
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