[irishgirl4]

Hi Everyone-

I am new here. I was just officially diagnosed with Bipolar late last week, after three years full of hospitalizations, three suicide attempts, and buckets of different medications.

I have been struggling with Anorexia for a long time. I was hospitalized for this three times over the coarse of the past three years. In addition to the Anorexia, the docs thought that I had Major Depressive Disorder, which led to over sixty ECT treatments and a ton of medications. Despite the treatments, nothing seemed to help.

Then, in September, I mysteriously stopped sleeping. I would spend hours cleaning, organizing, and doing things for my four kids. I was never tired. After a month or so of this, I hit a wall. I still couldn't sleep, but I was exhausted. My doc thought that the Emsam patch that I was taking was putting me in a medication-induced hypomania. He took me off of the patch, but I didn't get better. He tried Seroquel, Zyprexa, and other meds. They didn't work. I became very suicidal.

Finally, last week, after listening to my suicidal ideations and pleas for sleep, he diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder.

He put me on 1,000 mg of Depakote and back on the Emsam patch.

Despite the diagnosis, I feel worse than ever. I am very suicidal. I am feeling extremely groggy, due to the meds. The Depakote makes me feel terrible (foggy and out of it). I am still not sleeping enough.

My question is, when people are first diagnosed, do most docs put people in the hospital, while they experiment with different drugs? Being in the "real world" with four kids seems risky with all of this drug experimentation.

I stopped taking the Depakote over the weekend. I couldn't take the feelings anymore. My suicidal urges have grown, and my irrational thinking is at an all-time high. Also, after reading the posts about Depakote weight gain, I don't want to take it. I still struggle with my ed and will go crazy if I gain weight.

Does Lithium cause the same weight gain? What is it like to be initially put on Lithium? Does it produce the same side-effects as the Depakote?

I am losing my mind. I cannot live like this. I am hanging by a fine thread. I know I have four kids, but I need peace. I have no guilt about wanting to die.

Thanks.

[PT52]

Originally Posted by irishgirl4

Hi Everyone-

I am new here. I was just officially diagnosed with Bipolar late last week, after three years full of hospitalizations, three suicide attempts, and buckets of different medications.

I have been struggling with Anorexia for a long time. I was hospitalized for this three times over the coarse of the past three years. In addition to the Anorexia, the docs thought that I had Major Depressive Disorder, which led to over sixty ECT treatments and a ton of medications. Despite the treatments, nothing seemed to help.

Then, in September, I mysteriously stopped sleeping. I would spend hours cleaning, organizing, and doing things for my four kids. I was never tired. After a month or so of this, I hit a wall. I still couldn't sleep, but I was exhausted. My doc thought that the Emsam patch that I was taking was putting me in a medication-induced hypomania. He took me off of the patch, but I didn't get better. He tried Seroquel, Zyprexa, and other meds. They didn't work. I became very suicidal.

Finally, last week, after listening to my suicidal ideations and pleas for sleep, he diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder.

He put me on 1,000 mg of Depakote and back on the Emsam patch.

Despite the diagnosis, I feel worse than ever. I am very suicidal. I am feeling extremely groggy, due to the meds. The Depakote makes me feel terrible (foggy and out of it). I am still not sleeping enough.

My question is, when people are first diagnosed, do most docs put people in the hospital, while they experiment with different drugs? Being in the "real world" with four kids seems risky with all of this drug experimentation.

I stopped taking the Depakote over the weekend. I couldn't take the feelings anymore. My suicidal urges have grown, and my irrational thinking is at an all-time high. Also, after reading the posts about Depakote weight gain, I don't want to take it. I still struggle with my ed and will go crazy if I gain weight.

Does Lithium cause the same weight gain? What is it like to be initially put on Lithium? Does it produce the same side-effects as the Depakote?

I am losing my mind. I cannot live like this. I am hanging by a fine thread. I know I have four kids, but I need peace. I have no guilt about wanting to die.

Thanks.

irishgirl4, welcome to PC. I'm glad you found us. Here you will find a place full of people who have been where you are and who have made it through.

First things first - don't hesitate to go the the emergency room if you feel like you're an immediate danger to yourself or to your children.

Stopping any medication without the supervision of your doctor can be dangerous. Anti-depressants without a mood stabilizer can trigger a manic phase and not necessarily ease the depression, which is why you need a doctor to monitor your meds. Finding the right combination takes time; if you feel you need to be inpatient while you adjust, be completely honest with your doctor about how you feel.

I understand the weight issue; I was anorexic for many years. It's hard to get rational thoughts through when your mind is playing terrible games with your body. Remember this: pounds gained can be lost; it is a temporary set back. But a life lost cannot be regained; it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.

Right now you feel no guilt about leaving your children, I get that. Each of them will have to follow their own life path. You can help them now by showing them how to be a survivor; how to take control over your illness and not let it control you.

For me, I am eternally grateful that I did not leave my children behind. They grew up to be amazing adults in spite of having a mother that could be impossible to live with. And I have two beautiful grandbabies with another on the way... little miracles..so much love in one tiny, little body. I hope you can see that it's worth the struggle to stay and face down whatever life throws at you.

I wish you peace and the strength to find that one spark of joy that will keep you going.

[blueoctober]

Welcome irishgirl4; PT's post is excellent.

There are many different med options for person's with BP. For some they cause weight gain and for others they don't. It does take time for the meds to get to a therapeutic level and for many of us we have had to experiment with different meds and doses. It's well worth the effort. Stopping meds without your pdoc's input isn't the answer.

Is there a family member or friend that can help you care for your children during this time? If you don't already I would also suggest seeing a therapist.

As PT said please don't hesitate to go to the ER if you feel you need do.

[Anneinside]

Where I am at you can only be admitted to the hospital if you are suicidal or a danger to others. They start/tweak your meds while you are in there but the instant you are not suicidal/dangerous you are released even though you are totally well. This is due to insurance requirements.

Everyone tries meds while at home living life, or not so much life. Again, only going into the ER/hospital when it is absolutely necessary.

[BNLsMOM]

I don't have anything really to add, but I just wanted to welcome you. It is a supportive bunch of people here.

[kitty004567]

Welcome. I know it's frustrating... just keep working with your doctor. Eventually you'll find the right combination of medications for you.

[Trippin2.0]

Hi there, I just wanted to say

[sane1logic1]

I'm sorry I don't know anything about emsam.
It may be early days to draw conclusions about any new meds.
I don't know whether 1,000 mg depakote is a high dose to start on or a low one.
You could be on side effects (same as withdrawal effects) from your old antidepressants for some time to come.
Some doctors don't realise how much meds. need negotiating and discussing.

[sugahorse1]

HI and welcome.
It may be worth while spending some time in a hospital while your meds are adjusted. Your suicidal ideations need to be dealt with, and there are definitely meds out there that limit those thoughts.

We're here for you - I'm sure you will notice what a supportive bunch of people we are.

A friend of mine was on Depakote, and also could not handle it.

[irishgirl4]

Thank you everyone for your warm welcomes, honesty, and advice.

I didn't reply yesterday, as I spent a great amount of time bouncing between a therapy appointment and dealing with so many horrible feelings in my mind.

My therapist didn't want to put me in the hospital without my consent. I wasn't sure what to do. If Thanksgiving wasn't this week, I would have taken him up on it. I am scheduled to travel six hours away for the holidays. He seemed nervous about me being so far away.

My husband is emotionally abusive and non-supportive. My T is nervous about me being with him, as my mental illness and his cruel reactions can create the perfect storm of instability.

He did page my psychiatrist, but we did not hear back from him. I am still waiting to hear what to do about these meds. I didn't take the Depakote again. I did take the Emsam (which by the way is a MAOI patch). I am just waiting.

There is no happiness...no hope...no excitement. I cannot find joy in my life (despite having four healthy kids ages 10, 6, 5, 4).

Thanks again for your welcomes.

[Skully]

They don't always put you in the hospital when you are diagnosed, but in your case I would say your pdoc needs to just to keep you safe from yourself at this point. There are plenty of other meds out there besides depakote that work wonders for many people. I took depakote and seroquel at one point and felt like a zombie. I have found that lamictal combined with Abilify works wonders for me. I feel great and am not going up and down as I have in the past. Talk with your pdoc about your concerns with depakote and about being hospitalized.

[PT52]

hi irishgirl4, there has been a lot of good advice here, I hope that you'll use what will help. My husband was emotionally abusive, too and once I learned not to buy into it, it's definitely better.

There is no happiness...no hope...no excitement. I cannot find joy in my life (despite having four healthy kids ages 10, 6, 5, 4).

I know this is an awful feeling... happiness is a tough one, hope? - you're reaching out for help, that's hope. Excitement? I guess it depends on your definition of excitement.

Joy...you may not feel it now, but you will see that joy will come from four little smiles that are waiting for you when you walk out of the dark place. Don't give up.

[irishgirl4]

There is so much good advice here. I am very grateful.

My psychiatrist has asked me to take 500 mg of Depakote. I am scared of it. I don't know if I can take it or not.

The best place for me was likely the hospital, to sort this all out and have somebody regulate my meds. I am scared of the hospital that I can go to. There is only one in my area that my insurance covers. I was there a year ago. They were really lax about room checks, which resulted in my husband forcing sex acts on me twice. Nobody checked. I think the simple smell of that place would traumatize me.

I am cornered...with no safe place to land.

Originally Posted by PT52

hi irishgirl4, there has been a lot of good advice here, I hope that you'll use what will help. My husband was emotionally abusive, too and once I learned not to buy into it, it's definitely better.


I know this is an awful feeling... happiness is a tough one, hope? - you're reaching out for help, that's hope. Excitement? I guess it depends on your definition of excitement.

Joy...you may not feel it now, but you will see that joy will come from four little smiles that are waiting for you when you walk out of the dark place. Don't give up.

[NOTHAPPYATALL]

Originally Posted by irishgirl4

Hi Everyone-

I am new here. I was just officially diagnosed with Bipolar late last week, after three years full of hospitalizations, three suicide attempts, and buckets of different medications.

I have been struggling with Anorexia for a long time. I was hospitalized for this three times over the coarse of the past three years. In addition to the Anorexia, the docs thought that I had Major Depressive Disorder, which led to over sixty ECT treatments and a ton of medications. Despite the treatments, nothing seemed to help.

Then, in September, I mysteriously stopped sleeping. I would spend hours cleaning, organizing, and doing things for my four kids. I was never tired. After a month or so of this, I hit a wall. I still couldn't sleep, but I was exhausted. My doc thought that the Emsam patch that I was taking was putting me in a medication-induced hypomania. He took me off of the patch, but I didn't get better. He tried Seroquel, Zyprexa, and other meds. They didn't work. I became very suicidal.

Finally, last week, after listening to my suicidal ideations and pleas for sleep, he diagnosed me with Bipolar Disorder.

He put me on 1,000 mg of Depakote and back on the Emsam patch.

Despite the diagnosis, I feel worse than ever. I am very suicidal. I am feeling extremely groggy, due to the meds. The Depakote makes me feel terrible (foggy and out of it). I am still not sleeping enough.

My question is, when people are first diagnosed, do most docs put people in the hospital, while they experiment with different drugs? Being in the "real world" with four kids seems risky with all of this drug experimentation.

I stopped taking the Depakote over the weekend. I couldn't take the feelings anymore. My suicidal urges have grown, and my irrational thinking is at an all-time high. Also, after reading the posts about Depakote weight gain, I don't want to take it. I still struggle with my ed and will go crazy if I gain weight.

Does Lithium cause the same weight gain? What is it like to be initially put on Lithium? Does it produce the same side-effects as the Depakote?

I am losing my mind. I cannot live like this. I am hanging by a fine thread. I know I have four kids, but I need peace. I have no guilt about wanting to die.

Thanks.

PLEASE DO NOT DO ANYTHING!! Think about it first. I FEEL THE SAME WAY, BUT I HAVE THREE KIDS AND THEY NEED ME. I WANT PEACE TOO, BUT PLEASE, THINK OF YOUR KIDS!! If you need to email back please do... PLEASE, YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! I feel your pain, but OUR KIDS NEED US!!

[kitty004567]

If you feel that you need to be in the hospital (and safe) then perhaps it's the right thing to do. There will be other Thanksgivings. You have to take care of yourself.

[sugahorse1]

I agree with Kitty - not going to hospital due to Thanksgiving is not a good enough excuse. If you had any other disease e.g. cancer, you would not hesitate to go to a hospital if you were critical - Thanksgiving or no thanksgiving.
Why are we so flippant with our mental health and don't look after ourselves in the same manner that we would if it was a physical disease?
I am no doctor, but reading you posts, you really sound like you are in that very dark place and a possible danger to yourself. You are also not taking your meds as prescribed (I understand the side-effects are too much for you), so it all points in the direction that the hospital is the best place for you - your meds can be adjusted, and you are kept dafe.
Maybe speak to the head nurse and either not allow you husband in at all (I'm sure they could make some excuse) or ensure they supervise any visits from your husband.

My boyfriend fo 5 years has emotionally abused and neglected me too; it's taken a lot of heart-ache and hard work to try get him to see this and change. You need your husband's support, so I can udnerstnad the pain you are going through.
Please listen to the advice given here (Even your T agrees with you going to hospital) and keep safe. Check in with us.
Thinking of you xx

[lonegael]

Hi irishgirl. welcome to PC. You've gotten some very good advice in these pages and it sounds like there are a lot of people here who understand a lot of what you are going through. It sounds like if you can, get into the hospital. There are several reasons for this.

First, you sound like you might well be on the edge of hurting yourself, and if you are unstable, you might not have the best judgement concerning the children, nto that you would deliberately hurt them. All of you need to be soemwhere where the temptation to escape the apin doesn't get the best of you, or the iritation of dealing with the pain doesn't take up too much of your atttention.

Second. Your husband sounds like he puts you under way too much stress for you to be able to manage going onto a meds regime and to be able to see what really helps and what doesn't. Just getting meds is stressfull because of the side effects and the way it forces you to change how you think about yourself, your life style and your illness. If he is as bad as you say, you need protection from him and his emotional and sexual abuse right now, at least, until you can get the basics ironed out.

I'm sorry if my words offend you, dear. I could never call a spade an agricultural implement, as I'm suremany hear could testify to. I never have been hospitalized for mydisorder, but ihave been where I should have been, and actually have begged to be. As far as the drugs, even though many have the resputation for certain side effects, all of us react in different ways, some don't have certain problems at some points in our lifes, but those come later, you will probably have to see how you handle them yourself. I had no problem with lithium as a youngster, but many when I got past my thirties. seroquel, wonderfull for me, not so for others. And so it goes.

Please stay safe, hon. Hug your babies and remember how much you need each other. HUGGGGGGGGGGSSSSSSSS from the North, if you're in Ireland there.

[BlackPup]

Hi and welcome.
Sounds like you are in a really bad situation, the hospital is a good option if you feel unsafe. I stayed at home during my meds changes - but it did take a while for my meds to get sorted...
I hope your relationship with your partner improves, the guys here will have some great advice for you. We are here for you to vent your anger, your worries and anything else that you can't tell other people. We also have all been through something, even if it is different to what you are going through...

[irishgirl4]

Originally Posted by BlackPup

Hi and welcome.
Sounds like you are in a really bad situation, the hospital is a good option if you feel unsafe. I stayed at home during my meds changes - but it did take a while for my meds to get sorted...
I hope your relationship with your partner improves, the guys here will have some great advice for you. We are here for you to vent your anger, your worries and anything else that you can't tell other people. We also have all been through something, even if it is different to what you are going through...

Thanks for your support everyone. I feel bad because I keep complaining, but do nothing to get better. I am not inpatient, I stopped taking all meds, and I resist telling people how bad things are. I am supposed to see my pdoc on 12/14. Does that seem too far away? His secretary said that he is totally booked until then. I just don't know what to do.

[blueoctober]

Originally Posted by irishgirl4

I am not inpatient, I stopped taking all meds, and I resist telling people how bad things are. I am supposed to see my pdoc on 12/14. Does that seem too far away? His secretary said that he is totally booked until then. I just don't know what to do.

In my opinion that is too long to be off medication. I would suggest requesting to be put on the cancellation list and if possible leave a message letting the pdoc know your concerns with the med you have been prescribed.

There are many options for BP meds and not all of them cause weight gain. Please discuss with your Pdoc and I would also recommend that you at least try being on the med you have been prescribed before you decide that the side effects are too much for you to handle. Don't let a med's "reputation" prevent you from taking it because not everyone has the same side affects (i.e. weight gain etc.) and some side effects will go away after a person has been on the med for a period of time.

[sugahorse1]

Try and get an earlier appointment. I've had to wiat for nearly 2 months, and it's literally nearly killed me - I need to have my meds adjusted

[BlackPup]

Originally Posted by blueoctober

In my opinion that is too long to be off medication. I would suggest requesting to be put on the cancellation list and if possible leave a message letting the pdoc know your concerns with the med you have been prescribed.

There are many options for BP meds and not all of them cause weight gain. Please discuss with your Pdoc and I would also recommend that you at least try being on the med you have been prescribed before you decide that the side effects are too much for you to handle. Don't let a med's "reputation" prevent you from taking it because not everyone has the same side affects (i.e. weight gain etc.) and some side effects will go away after a person has been on the med for a period of time.

Definitely agree!!!!! Everyone is different and what works for one person may not for another... In the end, weight gain, however horrible, can be managed, minimised or accepted depending on how things are going on in your life.
When things are tough, I'm not to hard on myself about weight and just try to stay the same or not put on too much. When my head's in the right place I can lose what I put on but its harder than without drugs.

If you are going on Lithium, I would suggest not drinking juice or sodas unless they are sugarfree because you get increased thirst so that can be a huge source of calories.

[sugahorse1]

Lamotrigine doesnt make you put on too much weight in my experience.

[bfoxy41brown]

I have two children and I prefer to be hospitalized while getting meds. I have changed meds thru my local mental health provider and been successful but just prefer to be in the hospital so I can focus on me. My longest stay was 8 weeks. I think it is safer because of the different symptoms we experience. It takes a few years I hear to get your meds straight but I have been diagnosed/medicated for 17 years and still adjust and change meds every few years. I have never stuck to one doctor or health care provider long since I move a lot.