I just don't know how I can do it anymore...

[quote=irishgirl4;1599176]

My kids are amazing. I am screwing them in any scenario. I live and am sick-they suffer. I die and am gone-they suffer. There is no winning situation here.

quote]

If you live, your kids live with the hope that you will recover some day. If you die, that hope is broken. Please get help now.

BNL - thanks for such a profound realisation

irishgirl, your kids need you alive. The healthier you are, the better. BUT the paramount thing is that you are alive. Like BNLsMOM said: Alive, things can change. Dead, they are frozen. They need the warmth of your life, and they always will.

I've had two conversations (admonishments?) with my pdoc about this. He knows a lot of kids who've lost their mothers or their fathers to suicide. My mentor lost her father at an early but cognizant age. It's a horrible puzzle they can never solve.

So many of us understand and know this tremendous pain. This is why medications and medical treatment are the options you need to take NOW. I am glad to hear you are scheduled to see your T today. Remember that they could give a s**t what we look like. They just want us to show up. Please do go to your appointment.

I saw my T. He said that I have two options: partial or hospitalization. I have no childcare-I cannot do either. He said that he was going to call my husband and mom to see if they could help with the childcare situation. I have four holiday parties at the kids' schools, two field trips to chaperone, and a Christmas event for school to run. There's no way it's going to work.

My T is going to get back to me later. I hope that he is understanding.

Give up the chaperone commitments for sure! The leaders can find back-up. This always happens--always, everywhere. Make that call ASAP--"I just can't do it. I am so sorry. Something has come up in the family."
Next, do you have a co-worker/chair for the Christmas event you're scheculed to run? Call her--same thing, maybe help her find help--but you get out of it. If you don't have scheduled help with that, call the school secretary, she can help. Same script: "Something has come up in the family, and I am so sorry....(if they are butt-in-skis you add: "I really appreciate your concern, but I just can't talk about it, it's too upsetting right now.")
Things happen, schools have lots of safety nets--and I know this...I've taught in three different schools: everyone can adapt.
You have decide about going to the kids' room parties. You can still go, even if you've cancelled all else---------because of the nature of the script you've used---that's why I know this script: it's the one that works, it's the one that honors your privacy. If people don't respect that the first utterance, you repeat it again--don't give in.
Do you know other parents who will be going to your kids' holiday parties? If the parties are separated by days, and if they are down the road, it's not a given that you won't make it to them.
But the chaperoning and the organizing? You can take care of those burdens--as in hand them off to someone else--right now. Please do that. It really is better for everyone, even if it doesn't feel like it now.
Get those calls made right away and get those concerns off your mind. Please do this.

Oh Irishgirl,
I'm soooo sorry for your pain and suffering! I have also been EXACTLY where you are, a year ago. Firstly I agree with everything everybody has said. You do need to get out of the things you've agreed to do- you and your family come first!(You don't have to explain why- just say some family/ personal issues have come up and you don't want to talk about it)

Is there anyway you can get help with childcare- you mentioned your mum- could she help? Could the authorities help with childcare, or does your hospital have a crisis team where they can come out and support you in the community, so you don't have to go into hospital?

I have Borderline Personality Disorder, and they're querying Bipolaw as well. I have had home support from the crisis team, which has been invaluable when the children have been at school. I have also had short spells in hospital, because apparently hospital would make me worse also! I have to say though that it really did help me, just having some 'time out'. I was soooo exhausted with having to try and stop myself from acting upon these obsessions of suicide and self harm! A week in hospital gave me time to get some energy back to be able to deal with things better!

I have to say that the biggest help for me is Dialectic Behaviour Therapy (DBT). I don't know if it's available where you are or not. It is an intensive therapy course which teaches you skills to cope and get through crises, it helps you to look at yourself, relationships and your emotions and how to deal with them. THere is a high level of support. It has been invaluable!! This time last year- I really did not think I could get through a day, let alone a year!!! I am also on meds. I'm not 'cured' but life really is soooo much easier, I really would never have believed it!!

So please, please hang in there hun!!! Things really can change!!!!! I have also been worried about the impact on my children, but it all brought it home to me a few days ago when my daughter had to write an essay for school about things that amaze her...she wrote a paragraph about music, science, the colours of nature...and ME!!!!!! I couldn't believe it!!! I amaze her because I always manage to press on, no matter what!! It just goes to show that thankfully her way of thinking does NOT match mine!!! I was sooo humbled by it!!

Good luck chick, hang in there,

Big, big hugs

If your suicidal and follow through you wouldn't be able to make those commitments anyways, so whats really more important? Your own life or doing some things for some people in the communtity. Do yourself a favor and be selfish this time, do it for you, do it for your kids and your husband, they deserve to have all of you.

Irishgirl, dear, what is happening to you now is called "tunnelvision" your depression is thinking up every reason it can for why you can't get help and why it can keep killing you. School functions are not of the dignity to deny yourself this help. What you are suffering from is a very serious illness dear, not a day at the spa, what it seems your illness is trying to convince you it is equal to. For what ever reason, your husband seems to buy into this story and agree that you should not take your pain so seriously. This line, whether from your depression or others, is rot. dear, I bought into it for a long time, I hate to hear you do the same. Neither you or your children need what it can do to you.
Because we get branded as incompetent, we are very prone to this thinking, Irishgirl. Please do not buy into it and do not let it keep you from getting help. The weight issues can be dealt with later; that is what I am doing now, I have switched meds and am working and successfully have lost and am still losing weight I put on; it is not necessarily a life sentence. But you need to take care of your life now and get yourself straightened out first. Don't mess yourself up about things that are a symtom of your illness (anxiety and body fixation) when what you need to do is get the underlying disorder fixed. Then get the surface patched, dear. When there is time and energy.

Please let us know what is happening and what idea your T came up with. You really need to put YOU first. I've also put off going to hospital on numerous ocassions due to "commitments" - and most of the time I've self-medicated to a dangerous leverl. I should have been in hospital.

If you have a serious accident or a physically really ill, break a leg... you go to the hospital, no questions asked and no concern around any committments. Why do we always fail to treat ourselves in the same manner when it comes to mental illnesses. We need to accept when we need help and then take it up.
Please ....... xxxx

As always, thanks to you all for caring about me. It means so much right now.

I am waiting to hear from my T, regarding the partial program. He called my mom about childcare, but they missed each other.

I don't want my mom to watch my kids. She is a major trigger for me. She upsets me very, very, very, much, She was yelling at me yesterday, accusing me of "not letting her in". Well, yep, I don't want her in. I don't trust her. She put me in an abusive home as a child, without protecting me. She is a good grandma, but every time I see her I fight with her (which I don't need right now).

I emailed my T and told him that I want to just continue twice a week therapy with him. I see my Pdoc on Tuesday. I am not medicated right now, so maybe I will feel better after I am put on new meds.

If he says no, then I think that I am going to leave therapy AMA and take a break for awhile. I just don't know what else to do. There is nobody who can watch my kids-I mean nobody.

My best friend (who was also called by my T) said that I sounded incoherent last night. She thinks that my T will commit me if I go AMA.

So, that's the scoop on my sucky life.

I'm glad you are looking after yourself. Please let the professionals make some decisions too. They all just want the best for you. And you'd rather admit yourself than go through involuntary admission.

Your illness is really getting the better of you right now. Your T is tapping into your support system so that you can go inpatient and rest. Believe me, you want to sign yourself in rather than be committed. I have signed in each time I went and it was so much better than the situations of the people committed. I was free to work with my doctor on treatment and discharge date instead of having to be completely out of control of my treatment.

I hope you'll stand back from your decisions for a few hours, and, as sugahorse says, let the professionals make some decisions.
My mom is a trigger for me, too. BUT, when my kids need her, because I am not able to keep from worrying them with the zombie-act, it's time to call in MOM, dum-de-dum....If/when she yells, it's at me, not them (grrr, some things never change), and meanwhile, everyone gets their clothes matched, their stories attentively listened to,...the kids get to be "seen", just like I get to be "seen" by my T........Over time, I have to say (my kids are 11 and 14 now), my mom is getting better. It's still really, really hard. I mean, really hard, and doing just that alone, makes me feel like more of a failure than anything else. And that's because, really, it's the most important, and when it's time for that (calling in Mom), that means I'm ready to accept that the situation is serious and I have to stop imagining my way through it--because what I've been imagining I'm capable of doing isn't happening....I just wish I were as competent as I normally am. But I'm not. And I need help. So, from my own experience, I have been reading your posts and thinking about what needs to be done. Not necessarily what you would want done, and definitely not the way you want things to be. But.....there it is.

Family can be a huge trigger for alot of us, it is often something that you can work through and find ways to cope with the behavior that triggers you, remember that they rarely change...
I'm sorry for being harsh, but sometimes we have to do things that we don't want to do, and if your mum is good to your kids, and you getting help is good for you and your kids, then maybe you should do what is good for both your kids and yourself...
Can you call a truce with your mum, say that you are having a hard time and can she not (whatever upsets you)... "Now is not a good time, can we talk about this when I'm feeling better...."