[widgets]

I just want to run away.
except i have no where to go.
I cant face letting everyone down yet again.
I start something, then i quit, every time!
started A levels 5 years ago - quit because i am too weak to work through my depression although i kept my part time job.
Started driving - quit
worked in a bank - stuck it out for three years, when i completely fell apart and wasnt even the same person any more, so i left,
now i'm at college again doing something i love, its only 3 days a week, but we get 2 hrs hwk to do a day, and i work the other 4 days.

I was on a definite UP for the past 2 weeks but have been crashing since friday... I dont think its BECAUSE i am bipolar i think its because i am just such a weak willed person.
I get depressed BECAUSE i am so useless.
Rather than i'm so useless cause i am depressed.

i hate it cause i know exactly what needs to be done and i can PHYSICALLY do it.
maybe i'm just a lazy cop out.

[BNLsMOM]

You aren't a failure. Your illness is playing tricks on you.

[PT52]

It is NOT because you are useless or weak-willed - you are not either of those. It IS because you are bipolar. You have been here before and know that it will eventually pass.

Hey, widgets...you are stronger than you think you are, because every time you quit you pick yourself up and try again. And when you quit it is because the BP is messing with your head and giving you all these negative thoughts. When you pick yourself up and try again you are letting BP know who's in charge.

So quit as many times as you need to, and pick yourself up as many times as you have to. The only person you have to worry about letting down is yourself. Lots of positive vibes coming your way.

Originally Posted by widgets

I just want to run away.
except i have no where to go...I start something, then i quit, every time!
... quit because i am too weak to work through my depression although i kept my part time job. ...I dont think its BECAUSE i am bipolar i think its because i am just such a weak willed person...

Oh sweetie! Reading your post sounds like the last 25 or so years of my life (when I didn't know I had BP). And I beat myself up over it big time the exact same way. It is NOT being weak-willed!!! It can be so hard to really believe this, especially if that thought is being re-enforced by those around you. That is but one reason I'm so glad you are here at PC, surrounded by so many who really do understand. It's not a case of blaming BP for everything, it's just accepting that we have certain challenges and traits that can make things much more difficult that those who don't have it can even truly understand, you know?

Meds, learning coping techniques, support... it all helps. We're here. That's what we're here for.

[laur88]

Bipolar is a biochemical disease you feel the way you do because the disease is altering your perception. You are not weak or useless! It may feel that way but it's not true. I know those thoughts like "why can't I cope? Why am I so unmotivated? Other people aren't weak like this..." Don't listen to those thoughts because they are not he truth ( I know easier said that done) and nothing good will come out of dwelling on them. Yes, having bipolar makes life more complicated and a lot of time it sucks but bipolar is not who you are; it is a disease you suffer from. Just know that a lot of us here at PC know how you feel and that we're always here for you. You are strong and you are smart and you will make it through this bumpy bit and come out on top!

[sane1logic1]

Take it steady, and chunk down your goals. Give yourself self-esteem points for real achievements however simple. Like a few hours work - yet again - or a bit of study - yet again - or a bit of self care or home care - yet again.
I think we all need to maintain a continual negotiation with doctors about or meds, including dosages.

[CliveWild]

I just want to run away.
except i have no where to go.
I cant face letting everyone down yet again.
I start something, then i quit, every time!

{{{{Widgets}}}} You are not a failure. The words I have quoted could be me in recent years. I think that the bipolar finally affected me and I lost confidence. I wish I had some words of wisdom. I just applied for a voluntary job and quit before I had the interview. I think I have become "used" to failing or quitting. I tend to pull out of things before they happen. I did manage to go on a recent holiday and it was great. I think that baby steps is the way to go. I hope to go back to a day centre that I used to attend. I have become very isolated and even that is going to be hard. I have finally admitted to myself that I have a problem. I have managed to bring my next pdoc appointment forward to Thursday. Maybe I can get a change of meds because I am sure Seroquel is causing more problems that it prevents.

All I can say is that you should do what you can. Appreciate even the smallest achievement. I got out for a short walk yesterday and that was good after a week not going out. Don't put too much pressure on yourself.

If you ever want to talk or even vent, just send me a message.

[Lexaproman]

I know the feeling. I too have failed miserably over and over again.

I could tell you like the others you haven't failed or your not a failure but the point is you feel that way.

But I can tell you this. One trait all successful people is they regard failure as a setback not a failure. Yes the old cliche learn from your mistakes really is true,

So keep getting back on the horse kid and never ever give in to the perceived failure. Hey for most of us life is 1 step forward and 2 steps back so why worry about it.

Or here is another visual I make for myself:

Imagine you are in a row boat that was headed toward Niagara Falls. So you realize what is ahead of you and you start paddling like there is no tomorrow to stop from getting any closer to going over the falls!

Maybe a "normal" person figuratively could pull themselves out harms way while those of us who struggle are hampered and may only be able to stay in the same place.

Hey the reality is you are accomplishing something! You are maintaining a safe distance and at least keeping yourself afloat! Don't trivialize that, it means more than you realize.

Many before you and many after you will simply give up but not YOU!

[widgets]

I was so tired last night after an 8 day week the prospect of going into college today was not appealing.
Instead i am going to stay at home, crack on with my assignment and try and keep my mind busy and not give in to my low mood. Wash all my clothes, get all my kit ready, wash my hair (i do make-up at college) so that when i have to be in for the rest of the week, all i have to do is turn up because everything else will be ready.
I dont have the motivation to do this but if i dont all i will do is give in to the depression.
Without all of you amazing words i really wouldnt be able to do this.
A lot goes for the saying 'a problem shared is a problem halved,' Its great to have people to talk to who are thinking, "what is she going on about?"
Thanks again

[Lexaproman]

The best part of what you said or of what I "heard" is at least you still chose things to do accomplish!

The best thing to do when dealing with depression is not totally give in or stop living. Managing is not curing it and that is just a cold harsh reality we will always deal with.

But again, when you are down like this make sure you get something done each day even if it one little thing like "I had to get this at the store".

[halloweenwitch]

Originally Posted by widgets

I just want to run away.
except i have no where to go.
I cant face letting everyone down yet again.
I start something, then i quit, every time!
started A levels 5 years ago - quit because i am too weak to work through my depression although i kept my part time job.
Started driving - quit
worked in a bank - stuck it out for three years, when i completely fell apart and wasnt even the same person any more, so i left,
now i'm at college again doing something i love, its only 3 days a week, but we get 2 hrs hwk to do a day, and i work the other 4 days.

I was on a definite UP for the past 2 weeks but have been crashing since friday... I dont think its BECAUSE i am bipolar i think its because i am just such a weak willed person.
I get depressed BECAUSE i am so useless.
Rather than i'm so useless cause i am depressed.

i hate it cause i know exactly what needs to be done and i can PHYSICALLY do it.
maybe i'm just a lazy cop out.

OMG This is exactly how i feel at the moment. I want to run away from everything. I had a proper breakdown at work yesterday, my boss wouldn't let me come home coz my colleagues had cleaned up my crap last year when i was off sick for 6 months and there not prepared to do it again.
Work sucks
Life sucks
I'm such a loser coz I can't do anything right, I dont know why i even try

[sarek]

As others have said, this is not you, its your illness talking. You must fight the urge to blame yourself every step of the way. You must ruthlessly banish all feelings of guilt, because if you can't help something then you cant be accountable either.
Surely you would not blame a blind person for not seeing?

And I wonder about this:

I get depressed BECAUSE i am so useless.
Rather than i'm so useless cause i am depressed.

How sure are you that depression is your only issue? Have you checked for symptoms of AD(H)D for instance? I am saying this because not being able to finish things is also very much an AD(H)D problem and as a consequence depression is a regularly occurring comorbidity.

[widgets]

its like this.
when i'm manic i can be totally 100% sure of what path i wanna take, what i want to do, be 100% commited, so i do it, then either my mood decreases because i start to hate it, or i start to hate it, because i have a short attention span, and therefore dont succeed as i expected and thats what drops my mood.
does that make sense?

[sarek]

Well, its the attention span that catches my eye here. But that could be caused by your being bipolar or by a genuine standalone attention deficit. It is often very hard to determine that exactly.
Its really a matter of chicken and egg. Does the mood drop occur before you attention span runs out, or is it the other way around? From what you are saying your motivation fails first and your mood drop follows after.

[BlackPup]

Originally Posted by widgets

I dont think its BECAUSE i am bipolar i think its because i am just such a weak willed person.
I get depressed BECAUSE i am so useless.
Rather than i'm so useless cause i am depressed.

i hate it cause i know exactly what needs to be done and i can PHYSICALLY do it.
maybe i'm just a lazy cop out.

This makes me sooooo angry but I've been there and know how you feel so I'll try to be gentle.
IT'S NOT TRUE
You don't choose to be depressed or bipolar, its not coz your weak or lazy it just is. It's some twist of fate that landed you with the genes that predisposes you to chemical imbalances in your head. Would you say you were weak if the chemical imbalances were in you pancreas (diabetes?)

You FEEL useless when you are depressed - this is TRUE, but I know plenty of useless people who are not depressed so that is NOT TRUE!!!

Go easy on yourself, it is easy and normal for BPs to bite off too much when they are high, so try to set little goals and reward yourself. Somedays getting up is an achievement, or getting out of the house.

Can you get an appt with pdoc or T soon.

[dredz]

Op thank you for your post.
This is me in a nutshell. It is really tough. today I can't even do anything for myself except read and post on here. If I can do this surely i can do other things for myself but I have zero motivation. I feel down. My wife called me a loser the other day. I want to rage at her, but I also want o go and use to hurt her. Instead I think I take it out on her by getting depressed. Depression is anger turned inwards, some say. I am so angry at myself for my fear and inability to act on an idea and follow through. I am just rambling now, but I really really appreciate your post.

[dredz]

This is exactly how I feel

[sugahorse1]

Please don't be so hard on yourself. It is a part of your depressive episode and your bipolar talking to you