[sugahorse1]

Maybe this is more a BPD thing, but then again, you guys are my family, and right now I haven't officially been dx BPD - so here goes.

I've been hypomanic, had insomnia (mildly), been very irritable.
My boyfriend is out drinking with a friend (It's 8:30PM here) and I;m trying to convince myself that it's OK to be alone. But I'm battling. And he won't answer my calls, so I'm feeling rejected and lonely. It's triggering emotions I cannot put my finger on. I've taken some sleeping aids and hope I pass out, but it's not really a long-term plan.

I don't know how to self-soothe, so I usually just try sleep though these emotions.
Why does a situation like this (And I'm not going to argue that I am intensely jealous of my boyfriend's mate for being out with him, when I want to be with him) trigger me to such an extent?
Yes, I have a bit of a rollercoaster relationship, but it's been going quite well at thet moment. I hate having to admit I'm being triggered....
I feel I'm no longer in control!

[Perna]

Oh, I use to hate it when everyone was going to go do something I didn't want to do so I'd say "No thanks" and then they'd go and I'd be lonely and wish I'd gone!

What helps me is concentrating on activities instead of the people. Have things of your own you're working on so it's a relief to have other people gone or away for a bit. A couple days ago my DH went shopping all day without me and to do chores and I did the same yesterday; while he was away I made my own list and it worked out great. If you are working on your own things what other people are doing doesn't make you so lonely.

[sugahorse1]

Right now i just want my Zopiclone, Clonazepam and Alazopram to kick in. I have such an overwhelming about of emotions that I just don't know how to handle.
Being 8:50 PM now, it's fine for me to go to sleep - I just cannot go to bed and mull over emotions.
Plus there's a large thunder and lightning storm starting; I HATE those, and I'm now going through this alone!

[blueoctober]

Have you discussed these concerns with your therapist? Eventually we all need to deal with our feelings. I know this from experience because I was the queen of stuffing them prior to being diagnosed.

What helps me is honoring my feelings, but also speak to someone about my concerns prior to reacting. When I'm unwell I often get black and white thinking and make a situation that isn't a big deal blown out of proportion. It's also important for you and your boyfriend to have relationships, interests outside of each other. Perhaps when you know your boyfriend is planning to go out you could make plans to do something yourself. This could even be just going to the stables to see your horse or to a movie. Hope today is better.

[sugahorse1]

Would have been nice for him to tell me he was going to stay at the racetrack and drink. And at 5:45 it's a bit late. I had to phone him, and he was going to be home in an hour - it's now 4 hours later.

I'm compiling a mail to my T (I'm allowed a mail - maybe 2 - during the week of what's on my mind, won't get an answer from my T, but she'll prompt conversation that way during our session). I know have something to discuss.
Today she was teaching me progressive muscle relaxation - something she believes will help with the insomnia. I appreciate her assistance - the first time she's focused on teaching me a technique. And encouraged me to push through the "insomnia" - it feels like a reel of clips of parts of my life rush through my mind, each like 10mins long. I mustnt dwell on them, not analyse them, not stop them

Don't think I can go to a movie on my own... Should have gone to stables, but it was a scorcher and thne landed up a thunder, lightning and rain storm. Sedatives, alcohol and sleeping tabs - my hope of peace from this.
My T is thinking I also battle with BPD, hence the chronic lonliness, feelings of rejection and abandonment
I hate this sudden crash from hypomania...
Not even sure I want to go with my BF on holiday on Friday morning til Tuesday - with his child, mom and god-daughter
I cannot self-soothe myself....!!! It's lonely.

[BNLsMOM]

How about a warm bath with good smelling oils? Or a cool bath if it is hot at your house. Maybe a clean wash cloth that you can soak with water and a nice smelling oil like lavendar or something. Just wipe iT on your arms and back of your neck. Then take a little dab of oil to put on your pillow to help you sleep at night. I know you might not have the oils on hand right now, but maybe next time you are shopping, you can buy one or two. The bottles are tiny but you only use two or three drops at a time so they last.

[sugahorse1]

Thanks BNL - I think I actually may have had Lavender at home, but by the time i read your mail, it was morning. My sleeping tabs and alcohol finally kicked in just after 11

[sugahorse1]

I don't know what to do with myself this morning - it feels like my heart is being ripped out. My one rock through dealing with BP has been my BF - and he's managed to once again let me down.
I am so close to tears, cannot work and just stare at my screen. It highlights the fact that I really have NO-ONE in my life

Awww, suga! Remember, you've got us...

Being somewhere not knowing anyone but BF, and given the amount of time he sleeps (a LOT), extremely minimal human contact at work, and the fact that the few people I do know --that all live in other states and have apparently decided to drop me off the face of the earth... (the local BP support group has changed meeting time, so even that minimal contact is gone too) Yeah, it is a horrible howling pang, isn't it?
Know it isn't the same, but at least PC is a place of connection with people who do understand this ride... Lots of and sssss to you, sugahorse!!!

[sugahorse1]

Thanks IZ.
I'm going to follow your BF's approach and go sleep - I don't care if it is before 6PM!

[blueoctober]

sugahorse have you considered joining a face to face support group or volunteering somewhere? I know you know this already, but alcohol is a depressant, so that may be part of the issue.

[sugahorse1]

Alcohol is a bad idea, and especially on my meds I do get drunk very quickly. But it's my way of hiding; or at least it lets the feelings become real, I can feel them properly and process them.

The thought of a face to face group is a bit daunting... I've heard of one group, but it was mostly frequented by people experiencing extreme mania, and can be very scary (Apparently). But will maybe bring it up with my T.

I have found someone who lives close to me, who's also BP (She actually introduced me to my T) and we e-mail frequently