Or not.

I jinxed it by talking about it. Iam having a hard time. I am feeling so angry and stressed right now. My temper is short and because I don't want to take it out on my kids, I was feeling like I wanted to hurt myself.
When my 3 year old was really testing me and I lost my patience, I really wanted to shake him and throw things around. I would never do that, so I have to channel the anger somewhere and my mind went straight to razor blades, etc.

It's like I come out of depression, have a good period and right about when I notice I have been doing well, I get so much angry energy. I guess that is a mixed state?

Fortunately, I see my T tomorrow.

I'm right there with you. Both of my kids have been grating my nerves today and I lost it and yelled at my 5yr old. I feel like the biggest jerk ever. No advice or anything significant to offer, just hang in there.

Kids can be such inocent stressors. Its difficult not to lash out at them. Im glad you found another outlet than harming your child, (not indicating you ever would) but that scares me so. Being in a simular place as yourself, I charish my children and a biggest fear is harming them. Never have, and they are old enough now to understand and "know when to get out of mom's way" hehe. Good luck and make sure you talk to your "T" about all this. ((hugs))

Trigger


I told my T how I was feeling and how when I get angry, I don't dare take it out on others, so I take it out on myself. I told him how I decided that cutting would be a problem because it leaves marks and the few times I did it I was embarrassed about the marks. I decided that pills would be better because there would be no outward scar. I know that I might make a mistake and take too many, so I am afraid to do it. I almost want to take enough to be knocked out and found so that I can wake up later. It's like I am looking for a reset button. When I was younger, instead of hurting myself I would break a lease and move to a new apartment thinking that it would be a new start and I could leave old life behind. I can't do that anymore, so my mind is coming up with ways of "running" away and unfortunately that means the desire to hurt myself. I am seeing my T again Friday and I have been instructed to call him if my thoughts gets intense.

I'm sorry you're feeling bad again.

Is he giving you any exercises to fill the space where your anger is, so that you can avoid negative behavior? A "running away" that is a healthy type? You're trying to remove your anger, but you haven't been given a good place to put it. So you put it in a place you're familiar with, even if you know it's not good. And you can use this forum as an outlet, too. Leave your anger here and take the loving acceptance from all of us back with you to fill that space.

Yes, My t has given me many exercises to use, and I have a slew of DBT skills that I can go to as well. It seems that talking to T and figuring out what the complex feelings are and where they come frome helps me get to the point where I can then use the skills and exercises. Journaling and writing here helps too.

A better day today, able to put issues on the shelf for the most part. I had to scramble to find someone to take my older son to a birthday party because I didn't think I could handle the environment. (Laser Tag) I am seeing T tomorrow, and fortunately I have only had fleeting thoughts of pills, etc.

I'm soooo glad to hear you are doing a bit better, BNLsMOM! Hopefully an upward swing for you.

I'm sorrry to hear things are crashing around you a bit. I was really so happy for you that things were going well. And they'll get there again. You are doing well - using your DBT skills, diverting your anger, speaking to your T, posting on PC...

Keep in touch with your T - he'll help you through this.
Please don't take any pills you shouldn't; it's so hard to discern between what's right and wrong - especially if you just want a rest from all this.
But it's not an option. Things will come right for you