[blackdragon]

right now i am very upset. I picked up my cousin from her work and she asked me why i wasnt back by 1. well i went to bring my boss some info on bipolar. My cousin tells me thats the stupidest thing to do. Then she went on saying i dont have bipolar and that i am obsessed with my health. Where did this come from. She tells me the drugs im on are not for bipolar at all. OK on the info sheet it says bipolar disorder. She tells me that im stupid for doing what i did and that im a big faker. that i was looking for sympathy from my work and that all they will do is look down on me. Then she went on to saying this is something u keep to urself and if u go blabbing it then u will never be anything. u cant be a psychologist, RN, LPN, teacher or anything if ur bipolar. Just shattered my dreams. I just got over from a suicide thought and plan, and just got my mood to were it is normal. Now she just shot me back to my old depressed self. I was so relax and so calm and then she just shot me down. Then she had the nerve to say that i bet i think shes a *****. I said no i just am tired of everyone *****ing to me about something. She than says that u say ur life is all horrible and all and u have no idea. I been through worse than u have. I kept my mouth shut but i wanted to say oh u poor baby, u had the worse life in the whole F**ken world. She just wouldnt stop *****ing at me. I told her i dont want to talk about this. She finnally shut up.

I just went home and ran the bath water on full hot. I mean all the way to the hot part. I litterally scolded myself. Then i slashed my leg over and over and stabbed it over and over.

I am so tired of this. I am tired of the world putting me down. I kept trying to say to myself that she doesnt know anything. She doesnt know that i was physically assaulted 3 times, sexually assaulted memory but not confirmed, been physically abused by my own mother and verbally abused not to mention. I know she was kicked out by her parents numerous times, but guess what her parents tried to help her when they kicked her out. THEY KICKED HER OUT BECAUSE SHE WAS A METH ADDICT. if it was my kid yeah i would of done the same thing. At least her parents were willing to spend time with her and money to help her. My mom i could not get a penny out of her. I had to literally call myself and go without her knowing for help.

sorry this is so long. I am so pist and i need to get this out. So telling my boss well maybe its a mistake maybe not. ITS MY LIFE. I might as well quit taking my meds and go back to how i was. Cause according to her IM A FU*KEN HYPOCHONDRIAC.

again i apologize for the cursing and yelling. im just venting.

[BlueFaith]

(((((((blackdragon)))))))
I'm sorry that you were hurt like that. Sometimes the people we care about the most know exactly how to hurt us the most. I think it was a good idea to give your boss the info about bipolar. My parents tell me the same things your cousin told you, so I know how bad that hurts and how frustrating it is. But please don't stop taking your medication, and PLEASE don't do any harm to yourself. Easier said than done I'm sure. But you know yourself better than anyone else. Your cousin (or anyone else) can't judge what is going on inside of you. SO, please do what's best for you no matter what anyone else thinks. Take care of yourself. I'll be thinking of you.

[Col303]

Blackdragon, my heart truly goes out to you. I understand how much it hurts when the ones we love simply don't understand what we are going through. They are the ones who seem to know exactly which buttons to push. I'm very proud of you for remaining calm, that took a lot under the circumstances. Very concerned that you hurt yourself. So often when we are angry and hurt it seems that there is no other way to release all the pain. I'm glad that you did take the time to write out your feelings, that is a great release for everything that is going on in our heads and hearts.

As far as taking information to your boss, I think that was a good thing. It shows that you want to be open and it gives your boss a better understanding of what you are dealing with on a daily basis.

I agree with MP about doing what's best for you no matter what anyone else thinks. You must be true to yourself. Please take care! Let us know if you would like to talk. You will be in my thoughts! ~colleen

[dexter]

BD,

I also understand how bad it feels to have someone not understand your illness... but in this case it seems beyond that, it seems like whatever her "issues" are, her way to cope with them is to tear you down and make you feel bad.

The things she has said are awful. How can she dare to refute your diagnosis? Is she a doctor? Does she know about all of the symptoms you share with your doctor that lead to that diagnosis? NO!

As for her claim that you won't have job options open to you, I'm not sure about this, but I think it is BS. There are antidiscrimination laws. You can be anything you want as long as you are qualified to perform the job. If you stay on your meds, etc, there is no reason to think that you couldn't do any of the jobs she has listed.

And what does telling your current boss one thing have to do with jobs you may or may not want in the future anyway? If your current boss doesn't deal well with the information, then you don't give his name out as a reference! If he does understand, he is likely to give you a good review based only on your job performance for anything you persue in the future.

It is a very personal question as to whether to tell one's boss or co-workers. Could be the best thing, could be the worst. You obviously thought your boss will take it well and so made the brave decision to tell him. I think that is awesome.

But you already know the "correct" answer to this, you said it yourself, it was your decision, you will live by the consequenses, SO WHAT BUSINESS IS IT TO HER, especially as it is already a done deal? Her only input should be to support you in your decision. Her reaction shows that her concern is not with you but with herself and her need to tear you down at every turn.

Finally, once again she has bought out the "my life is worse than yours" card. How does she know how much pain anyone else is feeling over any incident in life? This is a completely uncalledfor attitude IMO. And it has nothing to do with the situation under discussion, she only brings it up because she knows it hurts you.

What kind of relationship do you have with her? Do you share a good relationship and this sort of thing is only occassional? I ask because she really seems toxic and I'm wondering if there are ways to distance yourself from her, if that is an option, or if that is even an approriate suggestion... I may be outside of my boundries saying that, but my motivation is only out of concern for how badly this effects your health.

[blackdragon]

she is my cousin and from birth all the way up to my senior year we had a pretty good relation ship. Since she moved in to gmas house with me she has been nice but she also starts *****ing at me. she is pregnant and says i have the worse headache and u wouldnt know how bad it is cause u never had a migrane, uhhh yes i have i have had a migrane were i literally passed out woke up vomited and couldnt see worth crap. every sound vibration hurt. She keeps saying she has the worst this the worst that. that its because shes pregnant ahd i dont know how it feels to be pregnant. Well no i dont but i bet u she never had GERD (heartburn that is really bad to were it never goes away and eats away ur esophagus), nor has she had a ulcer in her stomach and every time u ate food it make u sick to the point where u throw up.

I just get sick of her complaning and *****ing at me. Practically tearing me down to nothing. Just sick of her. She says she had to move here away from her life and stuff. NO ONE MADE HER. and what life did she have? do a few rounds of meth sleep on the street. go for days without food. OH man what a life. She wanted to get a job here and work here to make money to support her baby. I did not make her come here. But in her demented world i did. its all my fault to her i guess.

[dexter]

She does have problems if she believes that anyone other than herself is responsible for her own misery or happiness in life. She also appears to hold a double standard... she is aloud to tell you how you feel with regard to your bipolar, but no one can understand how she feels because she is the only one who ever had a migrane or is pregnant.

It makes me angry how she verbally abuses you, especially knowing that it effects your emotional and physical health.

Can you work on not engaging her when she starts complaining? Don't get caught up in the argument? Just say "Yea, whatever" and ignore her? I know that is difficult to do but maybe with some practice... Just think of us here and maybe engage in a dialog with us in your mind instead of arguing with her. Arguing isn't going to do anything other than you eventually paying the price in the end... she is never going to "get it" because she is "always right"... unless she can get some good help with her problems.

Good luck blackdragon... I feel for you.

[blackdragon]

oh worst thing my damn grandma is siding with her. She just came up and chewed me out saying my psych has no qualifications to diagnose me and that u cant be a psych if ur bipolar. Ugh i hate my family. I haft to be the perfect healthy little family show off. My mom beleives me but my gma doesnt. my gma doesnt beleive that i was physically assaulted. she beleives these should be kept in the family and not brodcased to the world.
i guess im to young to run my own life.

[nothemama8]

Dearheart my city has a Pdoc dx Bi=Polar besides a very sweet wise person (meaning you) may just have a jealous cousin, you are tops and Please remember that
Angie

[TgrsPurr]

Damn! I've just read this before I have to leave for work and I have sooooo much I'd like to say to you. I'll be thinking of you today and get with you this evening when I get home.
Let me just say for now...your cousin just wants to bait you into a disagreement because when someone is miserable, unhappy, insecure, etc....
It's easier to drag someone down to their level than it is to lift themselves up to be a better person. Let's face it...we've all been there and done that...including me.
I realize this is family, but that's not an excuse or reason to be treated like a doormat, but how you choose to deal with this relationship with your cousin will take some effort and patience on your part, and if possible, some distance. Ppl living together is a very hard thing for everyone on the face of the planet. You're not alone.
I'll be thinking if you and I'll do my best to get to you again this evening.
In the meantime...keep looking up and within, everything you need is right there.
TgrsPurr, xo.

[dexter]

Grandma grew up in a different age when these types of things weren't as well understood and few if any form of treatment available.

She needs to understand that things have changed and that help and treatment is available. It is unlikely that she will change though. A lot of families are still "stuck" in this way of thinking. But to think that her fear of "embarrassing the family" should take precedence of becoming and staying healthy, well, that is just selfish and ridiculous. Don't let her way of thinking effect your decisions for pursuing health and treatment. Do it her way, she is spared embarrassment and you suffer needlessly. Do it the right way and you feel your best and she suffers a little embarrassment (embarrassment of her own making, for feeling ashamed of something that should have no shame attached to it forever.) Everyone suffers a little embarrassment in their lives. Let her deal with it.

I am glad that your mother understands, hopefully she is a source of support for you.

>>u cant be a psych if ur bipolar.

This is a bold statement that is easily refuted by fact. Maybe you can try some web research, or get some info on that from your own doctor. You can show them that they have no idea what they are talking about. They may never be convinced but at least you will have your own piece of mind about it.

[TgrsPurr]

Well, like I said this morning, I've been thinking of you and your situation.
First of all....you should commend yourself for getting the help you need regardless of your families "issues" with that. It is of no importance when it comes to your well-being. Please continue to take your meds and remember that good calm space you had reached before your cousin got a hold of you. It sounds to me like a lot of responsibility is placed on your shoulders and that can be tiresome and exhausting and this can lead to the "why me".
I can't ignore that comment. I understand that it's difficult not to feel that way. I'd be lieing if I said I haven't done that too. The important thing you must remember is that your are NOT a victim here. You are a living, breathing human being just like your cousin, Grandmother, mother and whoever else is showing you such disrespect. But what it comes down to is this...you are not less than they are, you are not less important than they are, you don't deserve any less than they do. I'm not really sure exactly how to put exactly what I want to say at this point except to say...ppl treat us how we ALLOW them to treat us. If you don't stand up for yourself and demand the respect that you deserve than your conditioning them to treat you this way and get exactly what they want of you and from you. You are NOT a victim here. You have a voice, USE IT. Set boundaries. But the other side of this is that you too have to treat others the way you would like them to treat you.
In my opinion, you internalize what your family say and do to you then you express those emotions by harming yourself because you know no other way to release your deep emotional pain, frustration and despair. This is not uncommon, but that doesn't make it okay. I realize that I'm a hopeless optimist and my expectation of others in this area can be too high...but if you can grasp even the tiniest thread of the life line we're all tring to give you here...we'll help you from circling the drain....but you must reach out and grasp it. This is a choice only you can make. You are not powerless. There is always a glimmer of hope somewhere inside of us all...look within, you'll find it. Those of us that have read your plite here see that glimmer of hope in you. Those of us here who care about your hurt see it in you. Our intention is to inspire you to find it in yourself too. I'm not going to take the focus of you except to say that I in the last few days I quite literally have been to hell and back and then lost my grip and fell back in again...that glimmer of hope allowed me to pick myself right back up, get a grip and climb back out of this hell, only this time...that much wiser about the pitfalls along the way. We learn and grow from experience. Learn from these trials and tribulations to avoid them in the future. Yes, there will be others, but you'll learn from them too and pretty soon you'll be a pro at recognizing those land minds and avoid them as a stronger, wiser and healthier woman.
Even now, you have something to offer. Just responding to this difficulty of yours right now...you've allowed me the opportunity of self reflection and therefore, growth.
I can't say that I "know" what I've said here is what you needed right here in this moment...but maybe, sometime down the road, these words of inspiration will give you just that...inspiration. You can be and do whatever you want to be and whatever you want to do. Make it happen.
Thinking of you.
TgrsPurr, xo.

[dexter]

Incredibly well said, TgrsPurr.

[blackdragon]

Your right. I need to stand up for myself. Even if it is family. I treat them with a bunch of respect and they give me this. Not right. From now i will let them know how i feel and if they start *****ing at me then i will let them know that i dont want to hear about it. as for my grandma well i got bipolar, and if she doesnt like it tough. Its not like it will be the end of the world because i got it. She will haft to deal with it.

thank you guys for the support.

blacky

well....you can always do what i did one time. i pulled over to the side of the road and said "get out or shut up". she shut up and we drove on peacefully.

[TgrsPurr]

LOL, Pat, this is exactly why I love you so much! Thanks for the giggle this morning.

Dexter, thank you for the kudos...right back atchya.

BlackDragon....YOU GO GIRL!

TgrsPurr, xo.