[Kymaro]

So I’ve been stable for a while now – reading back on my post it isn’t really all that long, but it feels like months and months. I’m not feeling any sadness out of place, happiness where it shouldn’t belong. Even had a few good nights out with the hubby. And the one no one wants to admit to…sex life has been great. I have been working hard on keeping my teenage daughter from slandering each other. Work has gone well, worked some extra hours, made to extra money, paid some extra overdue medical bills and even allotted some of that extra money to go buy myself a nice outfit for a reward of working hard.

So what is wrong? Why am I so concerned with all this? Every one keeps asking me if I am OK! Of course I am ok. For once in a long time, I am OK. Some one asked me other day – “you look different, what did you change?” “Nothing”, I replied, “I am finally me”. (Although, my hair was actually done, make up on, and not in sweat pants) I was feeling like me!

But I find I faithfully several times a day checking for my rescue medications, “Are they where I can get them? Yes, ok feeling secure”. I’ve always carried a razor blade with me, for at times have been known to cut when severely depressed and I am even checking to make sure that it is safely in its hiding place, yes, ok feeling secure. - I’m waiting for the hallucinations to creep up behind me. Look behind me, not there, ok feeling secure.

So if I’m feeling so great why am I so prepared for the bottom to fall out? Why can’t I just put it all behind me and enjoy what I got? I just can’t get this feeling out of my head, always in the back of my thoughts. Any suggestions on how to get ahead of this?

[sugahorse1]

Are you seeing a T? These are some things you need to be aware of (Cycling and episodes) but you cannot obsess about it. Else we'll never allow ourselves to be truely happy.
I am doing the same; hence I'm not able to let my T go - what if things go wrong? I think you need to ensure your back-up plans are in place, and then allow yourself to be happy and move forwards.

[vjdragonfly]

I don't know really how alleviate the paranoia of when is the good mood going to end. I think it is something that lingers in all of our minds. I asked my Pdoc how do I know when I'm normal and she couldn't give me an answer. I keep asking myself if this is as good as it gets or is there better. I try not to focus to much on my next mood change and try to live in the moment. I know it is easier said then done. I think over time we become accustomed to the mood shifts and we always expect change. When we finally find that level mood we feel uncertain of how long it will last.

[ladyjrnlist]

Are you experiencing stress in life more so than usual? Anxiety? These could be causes. Also, do yourself a favor and ditch the razor blade, please?

[Kymaro]

Originally Posted by vjdragonfly

I don't know really how alleviate the paranoia of when is the good mood going to end. .

A great way to express how I feel "the paranoia". Not much stress going on, as it's something else I'm expecting to occur at any moment. I see my T every other week, haven't seen him since I have balanced out. Actually cancelled this weeks appointment. I really don't think I need to go this week, what would I say. "Hi - having a great day, hope to you enjoy yours, bye" Besides the last thing I want to do is have him "bring up issues" and be the cause of stress. As for the rest it feels like "I can't let go of my security blanket". Guess I'll just enjoy what I got for the moment and hope it lasts for as "LONG as I can keep it".

Thanks for letting me know I'm not the only one that it sits in the back of my mind.

Originally Posted by Kymaro

So I’ve been stable for a while now ...
So what is wrong? Why am I so concerned with all this? ...
So if I’m feeling so great why am I so prepared for the bottom to fall out? Why can’t I just put it all behind me and enjoy what I got? I just can’t get this feeling out of my head, always in the back of my thoughts. Any suggestions on how to get ahead of this?

First off, glad you are feeling so well!

Strategy for avoiding the lingering worry? Hmmm...What works pretty well for me is to really focus (bask, even) on the things I'm accomplishing that are good signs (getting things done, etc). They make me feel better about myself, which tends to keep the ball rolling in the good direction. Yeah, there is sometimes a lingering concern, but the more I do the above, it tends to crowd that out you might say. Also, I have a list of things that are personally big indicators of depression, and will only allow myself to become concerned if they are becoming sustained and piling up. Also, that there be a substantial drop accompanying this. Guess that means I often ignore mild depression, but it is so familiar, I can just accept it. Because most depressions don't reach the depths, it makes it easier to not worry so much. This is not to say that there hasn't been quite sudden precipitous and serious drops, but... it's kind of hard to describe... there is something... kind of like a certain feeling... that tends to accompany these, making them easier to recognize. (Does that make any sense?!) Mainly, enjoy it! (And sex life has been great? Admit away!That's great! )

I also check on my hidden meds, if it is any consolation. Not every day, but every few days. (And count them after picking up at pharmacy. And write down quantities. And how many are moved to other locations. Yeah...)

Also, agree with ladyjrnlist. Please ditch it.

[Confusedinomicon]

My T said to reward good thoughts with positive praise. When you do something good, it is okay to tell yourself that you did a good job. Working on making good habits and rewarding good things that you do can help the worrying. I still have problems worrying, but I know with time it will get better so long as I am vigilante. It is also a VERY good thing to understand what your triggers are and how to address them. Having a plan helps a lot.

Be happy that you are feeling stable! <3333333333333
HUGS!

[Kymaro]

Thanks everyone for such warm examples and suggestions. Things are still great. I have a 'steady' work week ahead of me and plan of making it a great week. I did buy myself some tanning tokens yesterday and spent a bit of a time in the tanner "as a reward". It felt great. I'm using this as a reward system. I love the way the warm feels on my body and I like the results. Makes me feel sexier? If thats a good way to put it. I removed some of my rescue meds so I only have a few at a time with me, Feels ok, Hide the rest in my bedroom. And yes I agree with getting rid of the razor blade, I would absolutely love not having that constant reminder with me. It is my next plan. I did move it though so it Layered in objects. I cant get to it fast - I dont know how to explain it...I placed in a mini pouch and placed that pouch in an other bag and then again in an other bag and then in my purse. I know its there but cant get to it without working intensionally digging for it. I thought ok that will be my first clue if I start having to dig for it. I plan on in a few days to move it to my glovebox in the car. then if all is well - move its hidding place, maybe I'll move it enough I will forget where I put it. It's wierd but it's always been "that blade" so the attactment is to that blade, none other.

I also am doing a bit of excersize (sp) every day, just 5 min, and then some meditation focusing on the positive energy in my body and forcing any negitive I feel out. I dont want to add too much to my routine so that I start feeling "Ive got to much on my plate", but this all makes me feel better so Im going with it.

Thanks everyone - :-)