[Warrioress]

I'm feeling suicidal again and I'm scared of what I might do within the upcoming weeks (or even days). Last week I sent my best friend a text message and begged her to not judge me harshly if this illness caused my death. She asked me why I want to kill myself and I had no answer to give. I have several reasons for being alive though, but it's like I can't see them. I just hate myself and my life and my mind and this f***ing mental disorder!

[onlymedid]

Please call your doc or go to the hospital. You need help now. There are reasons to live, you just can't see them right now. You will later, though.

[dillpickle1983]

it's time for some professional intervention. I was there 4 weeks ago, i had to be hospitalized! Please please please call someone, go to the nearest er or call your pdoc!!!!!

[lynn P.]

(((Warrioress))) - I think many people can relate to your post and I think it's better to talk about these feelings, than suffering alone. Do you have a therapist to talk to?? It's very important you do good self care during this time. I think there's alot of shame and it's scary to hear some have these thoughts but I think it's better to acknowledge them.

I understand life can be overwhelming and painful but it's important to find some coping techniques and be patient with yourself. Think of a time when things weren't so bad and remember this time will pass. The overwhelming pain is what makes people edgy to the point where they become desperate for a way out - try 'accepting' this pain and bad time for now - this doesn't mean you shouldn't try to help yourself though. It means try to be patient with the pain you feel and wait for it to pass. I hope this makes sense. There's a good Metanoia site if you want I can post it. Remember what your username signifies - you're a Warrior. I pray this will pass and please discuss these feelings with your doctor and therapist. You can also PM me.

[BNLsMOM]

Call 911 now. You need to have some professional intervention right away. You may not see the good things in life, but they are there. You need help seeing them right now and a safe place to heal. Call your p-doc, your T, 1-800-SUICIDE (an international call for you but if there is equivalent in your country use that), someone, anyone right now.

[lynn P.]

www.metanoia.org/suicide/

[Warrioress]

Great link, Lynn P. Thank you all for caring. I am still struggling and I think I will be for around a week because I'm in a situation where I can't get that much help, but I can't actually commit suicide either. It's a living nightmare. Pray for me.

[Miss Laura]

Hey Warrioress, how you feeling now?

xx

[Warrioress]

Not good, but managing

[Trippin2.0]

I'll be praying 4 you! XOXO

[lynn P.]

Originally Posted by Warrioress

Great link, Lynn P. Thank you all for caring. I am still struggling and I think I will be for around a week because I'm in a situation where I can't get that much help, but I can't actually commit suicide either. It's a living nightmare. Pray for me.

You're welcome ((Warrioress)). I read your profile and see your take martial arts. My 13 yr old also takes Karate and it's really helped her with self discipline and self esteem. I hope you're gaining this from Karate too. I see you live in Iran - hows the mental health support there - I'm thinking it might not be as good as here in N. America.

I also noticed you're young and remember being young myself lol. I think it's hard when you're young to look beyond this moment when things are bad. Even in a few hours, months or even 5 yrs you won't be feeling like this, so it's important to be patient. You can hang on to us when you feel low and I'm praying / sending good vibes your way.

[LJMG]

Hi Warrioress,

I just wanted to say that I am here for you and whenever you need to talk. I am not sure what this site has..but PLEASE contact me however possible.

LJMG

[Emotionally Dead]

I completely understand what you're going through, I have been there myself. I don't have much to offer than a kind friend you can have in me. If you don't want to call a hotline, send me a PM. We can just talk about things. It's always best to quickly get your mind off of the situation before you do anything rash and having someone there to talk to is a good start. Just please don't do anything that you'll regret, be careful and stay safe my friend.

[AtreyuFreak]

I can't be much help to you right now...just want to let you know I'm in the same mindset. Considering/planning the same thing. For basically the same reasons, just with different disorders. I know how you feel, dunno if that means anything. Try to get help...I've tried, I just don't know that I can be helped...feels like too little, too late...Take care. Please, try to be happy. If you can find just one thing that makes you happy...cling to it like there's no tomorrow. It's rare in our world.

[Warrioress]

Just letting you know that I'm a bit better today. I feel a certain warmth when I read your posts

[Can't Stop Crying]

Keep that fighting spirit! You matter!

[Warrioress]

I feel like I'm a prisoner of my own mind; locked up in an invisible cage made of thoughts and emotions. It's like I see the world through a huge pair of sunglasses and it appears much darker and worse than it actually is. I was alright a few minutes ago. I don't know what's happening to me

[Warrioress]

AND I'm unwilling to tell my pdoc about being suicidal because then he will want to hospitalize me and I don't want to be hospitalized. I think I'm scared.

[Can't Stop Crying]

Can you call someone? I'm worried about you being alone when you feel like this. I wish I could fly across the ocean and help you feel safe, all I can say is that I understand. Please don't hurt yourself - you matter! I have felt these feelings and I know that they pass so please hang on

[darkmood]

I tried to kill myself two weeks ago and Iam lucky to be alive. Iam glad Iam still here. Let me tell you that the pain you feel and wanting to die will pass I know it is hard to see that now but it will happen I know you do not want to go to the hospitial but you need to pm anytime let me know how you are doing

[Warrioress]

I know it will pass. Everything does.

[lynn P.]

I'm relieved you're feeling a bit better ((Warrioress)). Sorry the bad feelings are coming in waves. You're right these feelings will pass. Would it be possible to tell your doctor that have these thoughts but you're not in danger and see what he recommends?

I was wondering if you could share why you picked the name 'Warrioress'? I consider myself a survivor because I've had some tough disappointments the last 8 yrs. I had to get constructively mad to stop myself from sinking deep - maybe you need to do this too.

[Evil Schnoodle]

Warrioress-
My heart goes out to you. Please get emergency help. Get to a hospital emergeny room, call a suicide hotline (1-800-273-8255), call the police and ask to be brought to a hospital. I am so glad you are asking for help. I was there 3 weeks ago, and had a suicide attempt. I thank God every day that I survived.....and now I am making slow, but long-lasting changes in myself to help me enjoy and accept life. I changed my pdoc...started going to support meetings. At the time though, I believed I was hopeless, that nothing could every change, and I just wanted all of my suffering to end. Now I can accept that life does have pain in it, and that I can have a joyful, worthwhile life even when it does have pain. I'm so glad you are reaching out...now seek safety.....please........

[Warrioress]

I've had five suicide attempts so far but the last one was more than a year ago and for a while I had started to believe that it was over; now the shadow of death has come back to torture me.

I don't even know why I want to kill myself. I guess I'm just tired of these ups and downs; tired of knowing nothing will last. This low mood will give its place to an unnatural happiness, then anger and anxiety and THEN it will come back and the cycle goes on forever.

[sugahorse1]

Warrioress- I too have been there. I landed up in hospital, and my pdoc organised for me to see a T. I have since changed T's, but the one I'm with now has saved my life. I have been able to phone her, or text her, when things get too much. I can basically get her to make the necessary decisions and phone whoever she feels will be able to help me. Even get an ambulance to fetch me.
It helps to know someone cares-can you speak to a T? Can you speak to your friend? Just being able to share, and having someone to check in with you; that will make this much easier to deal with.
And as you say-it is just a cycle and will pass.
The scary situation arises when the cycle doesn't pass quick enough, and we can't look out for ourselves.

And the hospital is NOT a bad place. It is safe and caring, no responsibilities and you get to unwind and allow the cycle to pass