Can anyone help me...Please???

I'm in a really bad place right now...My kids just went back with their mom, and I won't get to see them for another 2 weeks. I don't know how I feel about this. I had them this weekend, but I've felt so crappy I've tried to play outside with them and tried to be a good father for them but it's just getting so hard for me to do anything anymore. We spent alot of time playing sports and tag and different games this weekend, but the majority of the time I spent laying in bed while they played video games and watched movies. Of course I'm still providing for them and everything, like feeding them and everything, but I feel like such a worthless father for not spending that much time with them. Half of me is relieved to see them go, but the other half misses them dearly. I just...ugh I don't know, I'm so depressed and I feel so hopeless and worthless and everything. I don't know how much more I can take. I'm so lonely, I can't talk to anyone about my feelings so I figured I'd just throw it up here on PC. I don't know why. I haven't seen my pdoc in about 3 months nor my therapist in probably longer. No insurance, but I don't even know if I want to keep fighting anymore. Every minute is just a constant struggle. I have no job, no money, no friends, no real support system anymore, I'm afraid if I tell my pdoc or someone I'll be put back in the hospital, then my ex wife will try to take my kids away from me...I don't really know what I am asking for in this post, nor what can help...Sorry for my incoherant rambling. Maybe it's just time...

I understand how you are feeling. I am not in a good place either but I keep telling myself I can do it one more day. No that your children need their father. Don't give up.

It is hard to see hope when you are depressed, but it will get better and you will have times to enjoy with your kids again.
Maybe you need some antidepressants to help with things. Can you see another doctor if you can't go to your pdoc? Are you on meds? Are you taking them?
I will be praying for you to have the strength to get through this.

If you don't tell someone what you're thinking/feeling, you may be at more risk.
Please see your dr and tell them how depressed you are. Many times you can get samples of meds or generics which are much cheaper. There are also places that charge on a sliding scale so that you can get the help you need at a very reduced rate.

Don't let yourself get so far gone that your ex can take your kids away. Please dig deep and find the strength to call your dr and take one step towards feeling better so your kids have their father.

Sending positive vibes your way.

Hi quiksilver - I can relate to what you are saying. Although I currently have my kids living with me, there is a real chance that this may change soon - it is so hard to contemplate not being with them - I try not to think about it.

But everyday is a struggle to get motivated to do things - I too provide for their physical needs, but I am so tired and it is hard to have the energy to play with them too.

I tried to talk to my mum today about some things that were bothering me, she has never been there for me emotionally and she just literally changed the subject to the weather!

I know it is easy for me to sink, to give up, but I keep telling myself this is temporary - yes it is dragging on a bit now - BUT it will get better in the future - I just need to keep going - to really try and do all those things that we all know are good for us (eating / exercise / sleep etc) - I don't get it right everyday, but I am just taking oneday at a time.

Please don't think you have no-one to talk to - there are many on here who can listen and who care about you and all members of this site.

Thank you all for replying. It does truly show I'm not alone. I really do appreciate it. BlackPup, I am taking medication. Among others, 2 anti depressants, cymbalta and abilify. I think it may be time for a med change since these don't seem to be working at all. I am doing a little bit better today. Last night was the worst I've felt in a long long time. It was really scary. But I'm making sure I am around someone at all times just for safety. And I did call and get appts both for my pdoc and therapist, although they're not until the end of next week, but it's better than nothing. I'm just telling myself to hang on until then. I know my kids need me. I need them as well. Thank you all for the advice, and kind words, and support you've shown me. It really did help me out!

Father...that is one of my hot buttons that plays with my mind. Being a good father is really important to me...it causes me much anguish...I put incredible amounts of pressure on myself to live up to a "perfect" father picture I have in my head. I can "should" myself into believing how they might be better off without me. I thought I constantly must refute!

From your post, you describe activities...sports...games...sure you may not have been at what ever level you think makes you a "good father"...but you were doing activities that generally are accepted as good things to do with your kids...

You also indicate that it's been awhile since seeing your T and pdoc...this probably suggest it's time to get in to see them before symptoms get worse...there are generally state or county programs that allow you to get "health insurance" so you can see a doctor. So you will want to do some searching about that opportunity...

You posted here...so some part of you knows that the fight is worth it...good luck