[2sweeties]

Hi, I'm a new member, and newly diagnosed with Bipolar. I'll try and keep this as brief as possible, and I'm hoping to hear of someone who has experienced similar and come out the other side in one piece.
I'm 32 years old and I have 2 beautiful little girls aged 2 and 4 and up until a few months ago I had been married (completely faithfully) for 10 years. In March this year I had my first hypomanic episode and ruined my life. I went crazy, left my husband (taking the kids with me) and slept with 6 other men in the space of 3 weeks. I can't even describe it, I look back now and feel I must have been posessed. I dont' even know what i was thinking. I was so selfish. Now everything is in pieces. I have just been diagnosed with Bipolar and will start Lithium next week. My poor husband has fallen in a heap with depression over my actions. He is freaked out that I might have caught HIV and then given it to him (we slept together once after I had been with other men). The poor man is a mess and it's all my fault. He is so angry at me for doing what I've done and I don't blame him. He doesn't want to see me or the kids and they really miss their daddy. I have caused so much suffering on those that I love and I can't do anything to fix it. I'm in huge debt after spending $10,000 on my credit card, which is yet another thing to make my husband angry. I would give anything to take it all back and have my life as it was but I don't think it is ever going to happen. How could I do this? How am I ever going to get through this?
Any advice would be sincerely apprecated.

[BlackPup]

I guess a few practical things are to take the HIV and other STI tests when you can (I think its a 6 month wait for HIV) and go to a debt consolidation place to sort out your finances. It's a good idea to have someone who will restrict your access to credit cards when manic or to decrease your credit limit.
He is upset by what you have done, and as you point out, he is right to feel hurt. Unfortunately you can't make it so it is all better for him. He has to get to that point by himself (or with therapy).
While it is your actions when manic that sparked off this problem, don't heap guilt upon yourself. Firstly - you were not yourself when it happened and secondly, how he has responded has contributed to your problems also.
I would encourage both of you to go to therapy, either individually or couples therapy or both. You need to be able to have open and honest conversations to help you manage your illness and to sort out the problems that it has caused.
My thoughts and prayers are with you

[Direction]

Originally Posted by 2sweeties

...How am I ever going to get through this?
Any advice would be sincerely apprecated.

One step at a time...I think practical small steps...encourage your husband to see the kids, get yourself stabilized, spend some serious time with your professional support team exploring what lead up to this, cancel your credit cards...

[blueoctober]

Welcome 2sweeties. It's natural that you have regret over what had happened, but please don't beat yourself up for it. First I would suggest counseling for yourself and possibly for your 4 year old. Couples counseling would be ideal too if your husband is willing to. Another thing I would suggest is educating yourself on the illness, so you can manage it better. The medication most likely won't take away all the symptoms and you will need to learn how to recognize those warning signals that you're not doing well.

As far as the credit card debt go it's not great, but if it makes you feel any better I racked up $60,000 in debt. I have a consolidation loan that I have 2.5 years left to pay back on it. It's a huge financial burden each month, but I learned a valuable lesson from it. I agree with Blackpup limit your access to what money you can spend (credit and cash).

Your husband refusing to see his children is a bit questionable to me. I understand he's hurt by what you did, but why is he taking it out on his children? In any relationship we all make mistakes (BP or not), but it takes both people to work on it. I hope that you and your husband are able to mend the relationship.

The book in my signature is for friends/family of those diagnosed it's excellent. There is also good information booklet on the Mood Disorder Society of Canada (it's free to download): http://www.mooddisorderscanada.ca/

[mac666]

Originally Posted by 2sweeties

Hi, I'm a new member, and newly diagnosed with Bipolar. I'll try and keep this as brief as possible, and I'm hoping to hear of someone who has experienced similar and come out the other side in one piece.
I'm 32 years old and I have 2 beautiful little girls aged 2 and 4 and up until a few months ago I had been married (completely faithfully) for 10 years. In March this year I had my first hypomanic episode and ruined my life. I went crazy, left my husband (taking the kids with me) and slept with 6 other men in the space of 3 weeks. I can't even describe it, I look back now and feel I must have been posessed. I dont' even know what i was thinking. I was so selfish. Now everything is in pieces. I have just been diagnosed with Bipolar and will start Lithium next week. My poor husband has fallen in a heap with depression over my actions. He is freaked out that I might have caught HIV and then given it to him (we slept together once after I had been with other men). The poor man is a mess and it's all my fault. He is so angry at me for doing what I've done and I don't blame him. He doesn't want to see me or the kids and they really miss their daddy. I have caused so much suffering on those that I love and I can't do anything to fix it. I'm in huge debt after spending $10,000 on my credit card, which is yet another thing to make my husband angry. I would give anything to take it all back and have my life as it was but I don't think it is ever going to happen. How could I do this? How am I ever going to get through this?
Any advice would be sincerely apprecated.

In true love we need to take each other for better or worse ! take care and don't blame your self. xx

[mac666]

Originally Posted by 2sweeties

Hi, I'm a new member, and newly diagnosed with Bipolar. I'll try and keep this as brief as possible, and I'm hoping to hear of someone who has experienced similar and come out the other side in one piece.
I'm 32 years old and I have 2 beautiful little girls aged 2 and 4 and up until a few months ago I had been married (completely faithfully) for 10 years. In March this year I had my first hypomanic episode and ruined my life. I went crazy, left my husband (taking the kids with me) and slept with 6 other men in the space of 3 weeks. I can't even describe it, I look back now and feel I must have been posessed. I dont' even know what i was thinking. I was so selfish. Now everything is in pieces. I have just been diagnosed with Bipolar and will start Lithium next week. My poor husband has fallen in a heap with depression over my actions. He is freaked out that I might have caught HIV and then given it to him (we slept together once after I had been with other men). The poor man is a mess and it's all my fault. He is so angry at me for doing what I've done and I don't blame him. He doesn't want to see me or the kids and they really miss their daddy. I have caused so much suffering on those that I love and I can't do anything to fix it. I'm in huge debt after spending $10,000 on my credit card, which is yet another thing to make my husband angry. I would give anything to take it all back and have my life as it was but I don't think it is ever going to happen. How could I do this? How am I ever going to get through this?
Any advice would be sincerely apprecated.

Be selfish and think of yourself and your children, your love for your children will be your rock. if it wasn't for my children's love wouldn't be hear xx

[2sweeties]

Thank you all for your replies, I sincerely appreciate it. I'm trying to take things day by day but the waiting for the window period for HIV to pass is absolutely doing my head in, and is the main cause of anxiety for my husband as well. I have good things to look forward to coming up - like my children's birthdays and a cruise that I had booked and paid for prior to my episode (my mum is coming with me in place of my husband). I just can't seem to get excited or happy about anything. Nothing makes me happy at the moment. Is that a bipolar low? Or am I upset and grieving over my lost marriage, or both? I pray every day that I will have my husband and family back together soon, and that I haven't contracted HIV. Any one who feels like praying for me would be more than welcomed. I just don't know how my husband can forgive what I have done. It's so huge. We were having a few issues prior to my episode, but nothing that wasn't fixable with some effort and counselling. Now though, I'm worried it's broken forever.

[Cole Thornton]

I understand what you and your husband are going though, because I went through this in 2007. My wife did very close to the same thing, at the same age as you, and when our children were almost the same age. Her credit card bill was closer to $18K.

The thing that helped us the most was a visit to our priest, a dear old fellow who recognized the tortured pain and guilt my wife felt and what you feel now. It was he who started the chain of events that lead to the diagnosis and treatment for BPD. I pray for your family and the hardships you are about to face. It is going to get worse before it gets better. But it WILL get better. I repeat: IT WILL GET BETTER. Yes, we are still married and we do still have our problems. But it does get better.

As important as it is for you to get the care you need, your husband must seek coucelling. He will need help coming to terms that it was the BPD and not you that did this, and he cannot do it alone. He has been dealt a horrible blow by a disease he may know nothing about, so he must also learn about BPD so as to help you fight the "bi-polar bear", as we call it in our house. It took me a long time and many horrible fights before I came to terms that BPD is no different than diabetes or any other disease, except that it effects the mind, not the body.

The Bipolar bear is invisible and hunts in the darkness of your mind. He can cause you horrible pain in your life and is a formadible opponent. But a team approach with you, your husband, doctors, modern medicine, and God can beat him! We will be praying for you.

[mgran]

Honey, I will certainly pray for you and your family... and for your HIV test to be negative (for some reason I'm pretty sure it will be.)

I've got a diagnoses of schizoaffective disorder, and I ran up a huge amount of debt when I went off the rails... I thought the world was going to end, and I had to do as much good with the money before hand as possible. So I gave it away, spent it on trips, to Belgium, Holland, France, and most extremely Africa (at least my son got some great experiences out of it). If it hadn't been for my son I would have stayed in Africa and married the first man to propose to me (fortunately I clung on to my sanity enough to realise that this would seriously traumatise my son only a few months after my husband's death, and that it would do nothing to fill the emptiness left by his passing.) I did IVF to have my husband's posthumous baby, it didn't work. I signed up to do an MA, paid for modules in advance which I couldn't concentrate on, I took out loans when my husband's pension ran out, gave it to charities for animals, orphans, I was really stupid, I even spent the rent.

The financial mess is now being sorted. In a way it was a good thing because it distracted my son from his loss and gave him good experiences. I learned who my real friends were (not the ones who hit me up for money and then never spoke to me again). I had to take out a debt relief order, sort of bankrupcy light in the UK... but things are SLOWLY sorting, though I continue to need help from a housing officer to manage my finances, which I find very difficult.

The diagnoses will help you. You can understand yourself now, and this is much less likely to happen again, now you're on meds. The shock you feel when you come down from such an experience is awful... just don't feel you've ruined everything. You still have your children, I'm sure you still have your health, and please God your husband will get over his own shock. I understand this thing came at you like a bolt from the blue, and I understand that feeling of having been possessed (I actually got excorcised a few times by over enthusiastic but somewhat irresponsible churches). The meds will help.

Stay well, and be kind to yourself.

[2sweeties]

Thank you so much for replies. Especially to Mgran and Cole Thornton for sharing your personal story. I'm going to ask my husband to look at your replies and hopefully he can take something away from it.