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#26
Jun 29, 2011, 09:48 PM
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Ok, more secrets...
Every time I drive on the high on ramp and off ramp to the highway near my home, I dream of driving off the hill. And I wonder if my car will flip or not. At that moment, I really could do it too. No one at work knows I have a mental illness, or two, or three... I am not out of the closet at work. Only one person knows I'm gay. I really want to come out as gay at work, but my partner is still in the closet, so I can't. I really wish she was out. With my OCD I have some awful obsessive thoughts. Like I think about...well I really can't get into that. I eat too much because I am afraid of being a sexual being. I don't want anyone to desire me. I eat too much because I want to destroy myself and I quit smoking, drinking, cutting, and burning, Eating too much is the only thing left to me.
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Lauru-------------That's me, Bipolar and Watching TV   I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference. ---Robert Frost |
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#27
Jun 30, 2011, 02:50 AM
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The old me misses the feelings of depression. Of being so low and so self-absorbed in my own problems. Feeling depressed and then high told me I was alive. All that's left is me trying to feel good about myself when my mood is kinda bleh.
I'm currently having slight auditory hallucinations. It isn't enough to warrant telling my therapist or pdoc. Things like hearing faint singing, buzzing sound. I just got settled on some medication and have been feeling better. I'm scared that if I tell them anything is wrong the first thing they'll do is make me take new dosages of things. I don't know if I can ever do enough.
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"You got to fight those gnomes...tell them to get out of your head!" |
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#28
Jun 30, 2011, 02:17 PM
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My secret fear: Was letting my husband know that when my baby was just months old and we were all alseep she would turn into a monster trying to get me. Also there was a wolf that would try to grap me on my way up the stairs. Thank God those are not true or here right now.
My secret thought:I always thought the tv was talking about me. Secret actions: Would hide in the closet to deal with all the voices, scratch myself to feel the pain I had caused some how and wish I was never born, racing thoughts of how to just end my life. |
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#29
Jun 30, 2011, 06:51 PM
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Quote:
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 Forgive77
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#30
Jun 30, 2011, 06:54 PM
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Quote:
I just wrote on your Wall!!!! LOL We can be friends right now. I looked you up before I even saw this!! xoxoxoxox
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#31
Jun 30, 2011, 10:37 PM
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Quote:
I forgot this one. It also took me many years and now I some how have put the past in the past and moving forward. I think its cause I have a wonderful husband who accepts me for me. |
| ScooterBug
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#32
Jul 01, 2011, 01:05 AM
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1. Secret fear - that one day I will give in to the urges.
2. Secret thought - that I'd be happier without possessions and the family around me. 3. Secret Actions - stuff that went on when I was manic and thankfully out of town. |
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#33
Jul 01, 2011, 06:11 PM
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Some more
1. I was once an ordained Minister (10 years) 2. I was once a Police Officer (4 years) 3. I have a strong fear of something happening to my grandkids. 4. I bite my nails a lot. 5. I give my money away to the homeless (my wife knows this) 6. I love you. 7. I'm not as mean as people think I am, it's my wall. |
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#34
Jul 05, 2011, 08:44 PM
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I'm afraid my husband will die one day and I wont be able to take care of myself, the kids or out finances. Because of this, I don't know if I love my husband or need him...I'm constantly confused about that.
I'm afraid of being hospitalized. I'm afraid I'm a bad wife and mom. Hold on I hear bath water running......nope it wasn't. I'm afraid of making friends but really want to. I'm afraid of drowning. I'll post more if I think of anymore.  [/quote]These things you posted are right on with me! Loved the bath water running, I often hear "things" and see shadows, my docs know about this. My T thinks its just part of the disease; my Pdoc thinks its lack of sleep. I too fear drowning and would love to have friends that are really truly friends but I am so scared to make them. My husband and I are in a place right now where it may or may not end, just not sure- but it's interesting that someone else is worried they may just need their husband. Thanks for that! |
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#35
Jul 05, 2011, 08:49 PM
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My secrets:
I kissed a girl and now I want to all the time.....but I HATE labels so I think I just want the intimacy. My son is the only person I live for. I lost about 150 pounds about 8 years ago and have now gained about 50 of it back and I too think that if I loose it again, I will be noticed more. I wish I had more friends who I felt truly cared about me. I asked my husband for a divorce this weekend but he wouldn't do it and I am not stable to make huge decisions on my own. I hide food, emotions, sleeping habits from my family. I'm sure there's more.... |
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