The Secrets!! ... dum dum dum ...

I was actually debating about posting this thread, but reading a recent member post about something similar gave the push to post!

Well, I have always had secrets in my life that no one knew about because I was always scared, ashamed, or just didn't know how to explain them to anyone else.

I will share some of my secrets and some of my fears and you guys can tell me if anyone else here goes through the same thing and/or how you guys deal with it, etc:

1. My secret fear - if anyone asks me "what are you deadly afraid of?" I always give my PC answer - snakes. But in reality my REAL fear is of demons I see, hear, feel, etc. I now know it's actually part of hallucinations and paranoia ... but I've dealt with this since I can remember!! I just always think that people would not understand or believe me when I explained what I've experienced.

2. Secret thoughts - Suicide and thinking of how the world would be (either better or worst) with or without me in it is an ongoing thought even when I am in all honesty not suicidal. I tend to weigh my options all the time. I think about the bills that would not be worried about by family or loved ones ... I think about how I affect people in my life, both good and bad ... etc ... Luckily I always conclude that I AM valuable and wanted and should stay on this Earth ... but in reality, it's something I have to battle in my head all the time.

3. Secret Actions - Growing up I did a lot of things that were odd and at that time could not be explained. Now I can look back and understand they were coping mechanisms. For example, I all of a sudden started wetting the bed as a kid. I look back on it and I realize that the physical and emotional abuse I suffered from my mother caused my body to react. Hiding to go to sleep was another one. I would go to a closet or the pantry and sleep out of fear of the demons I saw, felt, heard, etc ... and I think maybe out of fear of my mom too.

The list can go on and on ... a lot of these things I've never shared with anyone!!!! They have been those things that happen that one just does not talk about ... does anyone else go through this?

:discuss:

Hi

Thanks for sharing with us. It helps take a load off doesn't it?

Hmmm so secrets and fears..... I have so many.

Secretly, I wish I was a 1000 miles away from all the ppl I know, secretly I dislike about every single person I know in one way or another......secretly, I also think I am better than them. Secretly I don't want to be married anymore but i only stay with my husband because he couldn't cope without me...financially I mean. He is also partly disabled...another reason I stay. Secretly I love another man I will never have. Secretly, I am bi-sexual.....secretly I resent my parents for the neglect and selfishness of the way they brought me up. That's about enough for secrets.

My fears....I fear being alone, I fear being disliked, I fear ppl knowing who I really am, I fear waking up one day and realising I gave my life to BP before its too late...it consumes me. I fear being with a man for the rest of my life that doesnt really love me...I fear our love died a long time ago. Most of all......I fear ME.

Wow. We all keep so much from the world...

My secrets (kept even from my therapist):
I sometimes compare myself to those around me, and often (especially when my mood is lower) I conclude that I lack all decent human qualities, that I am worthless, that no one would love me if they truly knew me, etc. I realize that such thoughts are irrational, but I still have them and they still affect me emotionally.

Part of me is glad that I have a bipolar dx. I know that this is horrible, but it offers me an explanation (excuse?) for why I feel so different from everyone else.

Sometimes I wish that my depressions would be worse than they are, because I think I deserve to suffer.

I feel anxious around my family. Though they've been nothing but loving and supportive, I cannot help but believe that they secretly think I'm stupid and defective.

Fears:

Cancer, death, tornadoes, not ever changing or getting better.

Good thread!

Scooterbug, I too share your secret thoughts only some days I do not always arrive at the conclusion that I am valuable. As far as secret fears go, my biggest fear is not exactly a secret, I really do hate !!!! snakes.

My secret fear(s) are 1. Being alone. Nothing can "get me" if I'm around someone.. 2. Jack-in_the-boxes, PLEASE the music will send me over the edge!! 3. these disorders gettin the best of me and not seeing my kids grow up.

My secret thoughts are identical to yours!! It's like I wrote this!

"Suicide and thinking of how the world would be (either better or worst) with or without me in it is an ongoing thought even when I am in all honesty not suicidal. I tend to weigh my options all the time. I think about the bills that would not be worried about by family or loved ones ... I think about how I affect people in my life, both good and bad ... etc ... Luckily I always conclude that I AM valuable and wanted and should stay on this Earth ... but in reality, it's something I have to battle in my head all the time."

Secret actions.. WOW.. writing it out like this makes it real.. not that it wasn't before, but I guess I have to "own it".. I've slept with Wayyyyyy too many men, and I don't care who they are or where we are, if they are married or just dating one of my friends... I need them to WANT ME... IT's sickening!! I ALWAYS feel like crap when I come down from those times... I hate being me!!

My secrets, at least a few:

1. I didn't tell my partner I SI'ed last night. I am just wearing long pants so as to hide the wound. My fear: That she will find out the "true" me, aka the sick me. That she will leave me.

2. I heard voices of the devil when I was a child. I guess it was a hallucination. But I don't have them anymore. My fear: it really was the devil and I belong to him.

3. I want to kill myself even when I am not depressed, just as a matter of principle.

Everybody has secrets. You're a step ahead of me though, because I'm not ready to share mine even on here yet.

I don't want people to know how much I hate myself and want to hurt myself. I don't want them to know how much I think about having sex with guys that I should keep away from...

my secrets:
1. im always suicidal 2 evn when i feel happy !!
2. i ws raped
3. i hate myself
my biggest fear is people finding out them things.

I'm glad I posted this ... not glad that you guys struggle with situations, but I think it helps to know that other people have the same thoughts you do and keep them hidden.

Tattoogirl ... you have no idea how alike we are!! I too have slept with my share of men AND women looking for them to want me. Married men, single men, random strangers ... omg!! And yes, after it's all said and done, I hate myself for it. I will let you know though that it can get better and you will eventually work through it and love yourself just enough to not need them to want you. Hang in there!! It took me years, and I'm finally in a better place ... you can get there too!! *hugs*

Danii, thank you for sharing your secrets, I hope you can find someone in real life that you can trust to talk about them with also. I hope you can find healing from what has been done to you.

My secrets -

1. Blood and little bit of violence for example if someone chokes themselves turns me on.
2. I don't like my mum
3. I feel like an alien sometimes (hard to explain)

Well done to you all for sharing your secrets, and thanks!
I guess to many people I look like a hard and cold person, yet inside, I can be the most sensitive person you know.
I've been through a phase where I was bisexual
I've also slept with too many men, than I'd like to have, but that's in the past
I battle to find that one happy place
When I get severly depressed, I cannot stop thinking about sui, but it will take a lot to drive me there again
Not sure about anything else to write here

Secret Fear - That I will not be able to "stay in control" of my bipolar or myself in general and just lose it one day, that I will have to go back into the hospital, that nobody will ever love me the way that i will want to be loved.

Secret Thoughts - I count constantly. I talk to myself constantly in order to keep myself together. i think about suicide even when i'm not particularly depressed and when I do get upset it is the FIRST thing that comes to mind, every single time. I think about leaving my husband on a regular basis and that maybe he wan't "the one"
I wish I could just run away and start over.

Secret Actions
Same here - i went through a long span of doing this...the funniest (or saddest) thing is that my husband thinks I'm a good girl, without a lot of sexual experience. I've never told him anything to make him think that, but I've never corrected him either.

1. There's a voice in my head who tells me i'm worthless and undeserving. She makes up stories about my bf and has broken us up 3 times.
2. I was molested as a child by my older brother who i have forgiven and continue to have a relationship with. ( he doesn't know i know,i pretended to remain asleep)
3. There's a year of my life thats blank,missing. I can't recall anything despite having an impeccable mem0ry. ( i think this is the time i was molested as it was a repressed memory i only recalled many years later during therapy)
4. Everybody thinks i'm this highly respectable young lady, i've had my share of sexual encounters,only now can i see it was the bipolar.
5. I secretly loath myself, i don't know why.
6. I've fantasized about death since my early teens and always wished it upon myself.
7. I don't think i'm a real parent,or a very go0d one at that. My mum helps ALOT.
FEAR:
1. I'm scared of ending up alone.
2. I'm scared of being possessed by a demon while psychotic.
3. I'm scared of leaving my mums house,even tho i want to have a future with my bf.
4. I'm scared i'll fail my bf as a partner.
5. I'm scared of giant roaches and crustaceans.
6. I'm scared my bf will see the freak i am an run.
7. I'm scared i'm failing my daughter as a parent.
WOW... Honesty feels good. Thanks for posting this thread.

Sometimes finding out the reason that we hate ourselves helps, at least a little. However, my self-loathing continues on some days. Here was my conclusion: As a child when I was beaten for every manner of slight behavior (punishment for getting out of sight or dropping crumbs on the floor when I was barely walking and still in diapers...first memory, nice huh?) I had to decide if my parents were right or I was right. Since I was too small to defend myself or runaway successfully, in order to continue to stay with my parents (and not believe they were evil and cruel) I had to adopt the first version of self-hatred: "I am bad" and "My parents are doing this for my own good so I don't become a worse person." Just a thought. Does it sound familiar to others who have experienced child abuse?

I am afraid that my partner will die before me and I'll have no reason left to live.

oh....well, let's do it:

1. I do love humans and humanity.... but at the same time I don't. I secretly wish WWIII broke out, because we humans don't deserve any better.... and going with bang is preferable to withering away slowly

2. I hang out with ghosts and other creatures. There are times I prefer them to actual people.

3. sometimes when I wake up... I hate the fact I did.

4. I am scared of the future sometimes.

5. YOu know Dido's Life for Rent? I could have written that. I sometimes don't try. I too often don't go that hard for my dreams as I should, hopping that one day...

6. I don't want a partner. I am afraid they would try to fix me, make me get "help", that they would not understand. And I don't want to be fixed... not really.

I have lots of secrets.
1. I'm known to some people by another name.
2. I like skinny women.
3. I can talk to the dead.
4. I can love more than one woman, but prioritize them.
5. I talk to myself out loud when I'm alone.
6. I love my alter personality. He's 9 years old.

I may be a bit presumptuous posting this as I'm still relatively new here but I thought I'd do so. They're also mostly traumatic secrets from my past and I apologise if I may be taking the thread a bit off topic, making it heavy or writing too much.

1. A secret I keep from friends and colleagues - it's not just me but my whole immediate family is on one or another medication and been either diagnosed as suffering from clinical depression or one or other BP disorder, while there was also tremendous abuse within it too. I just can't bring myself to share this with even good friends as the whole family would then be labelled as loony.

I can't bring myself to explain either that I was so withdrawn and sad when younger because of the abuse at home and how I felt I was often having to act as 'the parent to the parents'. Even when it included my father, who is physically quite strong, cornering me and threatening to kill me there and then.

2. Three other secrets I keep from friends and colleagues - I walked in unexpectedly on my mother trying to kill herself. My one older sibling admitted to me that my walking in on him in his room several years ago unwittingly stopped him from killing himself as well. I also once stopped my other older sibling from running away from home when she would never have survived by herself.

3. A secret I keep from family and friends - I had flings with women they'd never have approved of at all and would not have gone for if I hadn't had manic episodes.

4. I'm afraid deep down everything I've achieved is worthless as I am myself, it will all fall apart and I'll destroy my relationships with family and friends from within because I'll unleash my latent anger I feel for so many of them for what they either did or how they let me down in my greatest hours of need.

5. An unwitting secret I keep from friends for no good reason really - When I required surgery from an accident the operation was almost botched. I lost a lot of blood causing my blood pressure to collapse, had some sort of reaction to the anesthetic as best I can gather, and then almost had to be placed into a coma. I'm just supposed to 'deal with it' as far as family is concerned but I have a deep fear of death and the incident somehow still haunts me despite no having no actual memory of it.

It's unfortunately ... just not as simple to 'get over' all the above completely like some people seem to think.

Secrects? Lets think....

1. Yes, dad, it was me, I scratched your car! Whew... glad that's out. (I actually did drive into my dad's car with my boyfriends car and never told him... it was on the passenger side so he only realised it months later and thought it happened in a parking lot...)

2. I like watching movies about abuse (being sexually abused myself) because in the movies there is always some sort of justice, then I get sad because there is no justice in life.

3. I believe that someone is always watching me, so everything I do, I do as though someone is watching. Even when I'm alone at home and I want to, lets say, stick my finger in my nose I would go to the bathroom and close the door.

4. Until I was embarrisingly old I believed that they used people on death row for the scenes where people die in movies.

5. I believe that people merely tolerate me, even my close friends, I don't believe that anyone really cares.

I actually have a great many of these fears. I bet some of those were really hard to say.

I'm deathly afraid of heights....like pass out afraid.
I'm afraid my husband will die one day and I wont be able to take care of myself, the kids or out finances. Because of this, I don't know if I love my husband or need him...I'm constantly confused about that.
I'm afraid of being hospitalized.
I'm afraid to discipline my children so they won't hate me, and I wont scar them for life.
I'm afraid the world is going to end soon.
I'm afraid of the ghosts who try to contact me, but I shut them out.
I'm afraid all my children will get this disease.
I'm afraid I'm a bad wife and mom.

Hold on I hear bath water running......nope it wasn't.

I'm afraid of making friends but really want to.
I'm afraid I'm going to mess my kids up, and they wont be successful.
I'm afraid of drowning.

I'll post more if I think of anymore.

Oh!

I'm afraid I can never hold a job again.
I'm afraid I could never go to school again. b/c of my meds.
I'm afraid of doing and altering to my meds.
I'm afraid to commit to anything.
I'm afraid to initiate anything.
I'm afraid I'll have another child.

Again...I'll post more if I think of more.

Thanks for posting this, I am glad their is this safe place to post.
I am afraid of being vunerable among my peers and friends. I am afraid to cry.
I yearn for excitement and chaotic trends eventhough as I matured they seem more far away. =(
Secrets, I am a sex addict. I have a foot fetish on guys and girls. I am afraid to talk about it to any of my friends or therapist. I feel sometimes I cannot control it. I am afraid to just go for it, with girls. Since, I'm not getting any, I am more and more thinking about hooking up with a guy. I am not sure if I am bi-sexual or not.
I hope one day I will find that special person, or more so she will find me.
I find it hard to accept reality and taking life in a smaller dose. I miss my all or nothing self, and my overcompensating manic, bi-polar self. I desperately want acceptance, but find it hard since my father hurts me all the time. It makes it more difficult to step out and be myself. Darn! This helps.

Secrets....not fears huh? Ooops!!!

I've told you my fears....some of them secret, some of them not. I'm kinda the opposite of secret. I guess my fears are kinda secrets in a way.

Some days I want to just get hit by a car when I'm all alone in it.
When I get angry at people...like really angry...I secretly wish they would just die so my would could be perfect again.
when I was pregnant at 18 with my now perfect daughter....I constantly wished I'd miscarry.
I've also damaged a car more than once and didn't tell anyone or admit to it.
I'm afraid I'll never want to have sex again now that I've been on these meds. I feel like and "it" and not a woman.
I've secretly wished people could feel my pain for a day. (That's a bad one)
I have secretly wished that I had powers to make other people see things.
I day dream about people dying so I know if I love them or not.
Sometimes I fear my kids are the only people I truly love.
I secretly wish I was famous, or a genius.
I wish I was more together.
I hope I get happy manic again....I miss that.

My secrets

I wish I was dead more than I like to admit
I purge a lot
I am afraid of being hospitalized again
I'm in debt
I was raped
I blame myself for a lot that I had no control over
I still pee my bed quite a bit