not again!!!

I have been resisting typing this for a while now…I don’t want to bother anyone with my crap, you guys have plenty, God knows.

There’s so much, I don’t even know where to start….I feel SO LONELY…anymore I sit here at this stupid computer 12 – 14 hours a day sometimes. I rarely see anyone, unless my daughters come over, or unless I go to the store. My first ex-wife emails me a couple times a day—that’s really strange. She sent me an email just before Thanksgiving (I’d been Googled—yewww!) asking after me just at a time I was thinking about seriously considering massive self-harm—strange. I do go to therapy, but so far all she’s doing is giving me job seeking ideas. I told her I’m generally pretty good at getting a job, but I need to figure out how to quit freaking out and quitting—maybe we could work on the whole bipolar thing? I go to two, sometimes three different support groups at the NAMI Hope Center here, which is a great thing.

I don’t have a job, so money is becoming a serious issue…an insurance company owes me a small bit, but after that, I’m sunk. I’ve got big list of things to do in my head, but I can’t even seem to get them written down, much less done. My brain is so tired and disorganized I just don’t know whether to “s%$# or go blind” as they used to say back home.

I guess I’m afraid to do anything, in a way—I’ve screwed everything up so badly to this point, I’m afraid of what the next move will lead to.

DJ, i know exactly what you are talking about. and i hate that you're going through it. loneliness leads to too much thinking and that always get us in trouble. talking about it is the only thing that helps me. the more i isolate, the worse i get. i'm here. xoxox pat
p.s. you are NEVER a bother. you're one of the most supportive posters here. please feel free to talk to us.

{{{{{{{DJ}}}}}}

I totally agree with Pat - Please NEVER hesitate to post here; you have given me (and many others) such wonderful support!!!

I can relate to much of what you posted. I live alone and tend to isolate, using the computer for most of my interpersonal interaction. Like you I feel so brain-weary and think too much.

Work in general seems to exacerbate my illness. I get a new job and will be ok for 9 months to a year, but then almost at the same time with each job, I start feeling "trapped." I sooooo wish I didn't have to work, but without a job, living paycheck to paycheck as it is, I would have no income.

I've found myself wondering if I should just sell the majority of my belongings and move to a rented room someplace. Today I couldn't cope and took a Restoril and Ativan hoping to just sleep through the day. I must have a built up tolerance as that only kept me asleep for 3 hours.

Hmmm, I'm not helping much here, am I? I don't have any answers or even suggestions, but wanted to let you know you're not alone in these feelings and any way I can be supportive, if just to listen and share, I offer that wholeheartedly.

Please feel free to pm me anytime. If I'm not sleeping I'm generally chained to my computer. lol

Never hesitate to post. That's what this place is for, after all. Besides, you're always so good at responding to others, it would be a shame if you didn't post yourself sometimes.

Google is an amazing thing, isn't it? Amazing and a little scary

I think you're on the right track with your therapist, just keep steering her toward the main problem. Don't let her sidetrack you with job-seeking advice. Some therapists are trained to keep control of the agenda, so sometimes you have to be relentless to get them going in a new direction.

I am sorry you feel that bad
It`s well known feeling to me - being stuck among needs, payments, obligations....and be frozen...and consider computer your "best friend".

Five years ago I used to spend 24 hours playing games or just "doing nothing" (chating, surfing) on Internet.

The Person who helped me a lot to overcome such crisis was (and still is) - MY DOG.
I had to walk her, I had to feed her...we walked a lot, sometimes we spent all day outdoor. So, my advice is - if you still don`t have a dog - find one. If you already have a dog try to spend more time with him, playing, walking...instead of sitting on computer.

Second .....try to read ...books are great cure for mental crisis.

Maybe it seems impossible right now but - try...Try talk to people, speak about your planes (so you can`t avoid fulfilling them).. Just get out from the house...the closed space has killing influence. Go out and get some fresh air...run...jump...behave like a child.

I deeply believe that most of people here are not "ill" but just have different sensibility, different potential of those they are expected to have. The XXI century is very hard to survive, you need to be cold and selforiented...otherwise you are lost.

I understand you and wish you all the best. Take care and inform us how you feel.

HI,

I am not bipolar so I don't know if I have the right to reply to you or not. But I have noticed how supporting you are to people here and to not reply to you wouldn't be fair for all the goodness you are giving. So I am taking the chance because you deserve it.

I don't how it is to live alone but I'm dreaming of it everyday. I'm sorry you don't have someone close by you if it's that what you want.

Maybe if you get a part time job it wouldn't be so hard to get use too and maybe it would give you an opportunity to meet new people. Or maybe just do volonteer work for now to get the feeling of being around people. Usually people who do volonteer work are kind people.

Is your daughter living far from you? Can you see her often?

I'm wishing you the best! Take good care!

hey, thanks, all of you...

All of you bring up up really good ideas and suggestions, as well as tremendously warm, loving support. I can't express how good you have made me feel.

I don't live far from my daughters, so I see them several times a week, which is a blessing. My ex is also being very kind and supporting, also (she a nurse who suffers with BP also).

I have now been through 5 jobs in the last year...To be honest, I'm not quite sure how to fll out an application with ~no~ references!

I guess I could do temp work, which pays next to nothing around here, (mainly because nothing else dies, either). I guess one of the things that I beat myself up over is that I'm a pretty smart fellow, why can't I figure out a way to make a decent living?

The other thing that scares me at the moment is psychiatric care...I had good health insurance which basically ended during my hospitalization...I had one appointment with my pdoc since (October), but I have not even paid that off yet ($150/pop!) There are almost no community mental health care resources here in my area...I do have an appointment at the end of January with an NP at the one place that does a a bit of money, but I'm really worried...I haven't had a lithium level since I left the hospital, who knows?

OK, enough whining for today...thank you all so much...I love you all.

DJ