I have the choice right now to be admitted, but I don't have the childcare to be at the hospital till next week. I was also referred to the Step program here (inpatient with more freedom.) by my T, not sure what you call that. The hospital told me yesterday that if I come in like I am now I will not be going home. My Pdoc is on vacation. The hospital said the ER dr's won't touch my meds.

So I was manic for months, then I was severely depressed with sui (week), then yesterday I was depressed agitated, iritated, and racing, hmm mixed, today I dunno yet what I am. I am cycling like crazy. Anyone come off a manic high in this manor?

I am to go to see my GP today and try to get help? haha I dunno about that. So I see it like I have two options, I can try to hang in till next week, my Pdoc will be back and my bf is on holidays so he can watch the kids if I were to be in hospital. Or I can try to pull myself up by the bootstraps and try to force myself into normal mode. I know the logic here sounds dumb, I am just trying to figure out what to do till pdoc is back.

What would you do?

[Forgive77]

Anika...I don't know...I'm BPII, but my mania can cause destruction as well. How are your SI thoughts right now? Are you just a tad bit psychotic, or is it worse? I'm thinking that if you're just seeing random stuff in your cell phone...you'll be okay till next week. If otherwise...maybe you should check in.

[Phoenix_1]

(((((Anika)))))

To go to the hospital or to do the Step Program, you need childcare. Both are inpatient and you sleep at the hospital, right? And you say you don't have any until next week when your bf is on holidays?

Do you feel OK at home with the kids? Do you think you'll be all right until next week?

Are there any other options with childcare?

This is a tough one - I'm not sure what to tell you.

[Anneinside]

Can you contact a friend or family who could take care of your kids for you? We all know that bootstraps rarely work as you are fighting against neurotransmitter problems, not willpower. I hope the best for you but seeking childcare is your best alternative. Is there any way you can have someone stay with you if getting childcare before next week is not possible?

[kaliope]

It does not seem that the bootstraps are working. Its important that you get stabilized. You cant be any good for your kids in your current condition. If you have the chance to get into the hospital, you should probably do it.

[dejavu65]

Sounds like from other posts you have out there that this has been going on for quite some time. The Sui thoughts seem to me to be the biggest concern. Is that under control? I know it's hard when you are coming down and start getting the mixed feelings. And bootstraps rarely work. They are just handles to hold on to. I am sorry that I do not have lots of advice for you ... but I can sympathize with you and hope for the best. Good luck and I hope whatever you decide works for the best.

Thanks everyone, I was feeling really confused as what to do, more like trapped really.

The hospital wasn't an option because I have no one to watch my kids till next week when my boyfriend is on holidays. When I say no one, I mean it. I have no friends where we live, my sister works full time and all tho her children are in their teens, her children are in another province for a few weeks. And that's the end of my social/family network, I know a little pathetic.

That was the problem, there is no back up sytsem here when your pdoc is out of town, except the hospital if you are severe enough. It is a bad system. This isn't the first time I have encountered this problem.

I went and saw my GP today. He also didn't really want to touch my meds, and he gasped a "Holy ****" when he asked my zyprexa dosage. Is 20mg a lot? I am only 5 feet 95 lbs, I don't know it's a lot or not. All he could offer me was to up it to 25mg till my Pdoc is back. He said he thinks I need to be pulled off everything and start over. He thinks I am still manic with break through depression, I concur this after noon I am buzzing , I am being really thrown around here.

Maybe next week will be hospital, or Step. I am a little worried of being pulled off all meds at home. Yikes!!!!! I dont think they would do that. Timing sucks when you know you need hospital and are for once able to actually admit it, but cannot go. One more week I gotta hang in there. I do have sui feelings, but I will not act on them, that is an absolute no no for me and my kids. And only mild psychosis for right now. This being jerked around like this with my mood is extremely unpleasant.

Haha ya, who was I kidding, bootstraps, they seem to have fallen off. Yes Dejavu, since May, my head is really tired. I think it's that feeling when you feel like your just gonna crack, and not come back, that's my biggest fear, not coming back. I'm just in panic mode I guess, I can do this I can do one more week right?

[~Christina]

(((hugs))) Anika....

I wish I had magic words to help you in this tough situation. All I can say is I Understand and its a really hard choice.
Please be safe and know that people care. Sending peace and light your way

[dragonfly2]

(((Anika))) God, I hate this part of mental illness....we are so often made to feel like we just have to suck it up and wait for our bad spells to be convenient for other people. What if your boyfriend wasn't going on holiday next week? How long would you wait? And who cares for your sister's kids while she's at work? I know you said they're older, but does she have any sort of childcare?

What if you (god forbid) had a stroke? Or a diabetic emergency? Or were in a car accident? Who would step in then?? Somebody would have to. That's life. I don't think you should wait any longer. Somebody needs to step up. Maybe your sister could take a couple of days and your bf could take an extra day of holiday or something. You just have to say "I need to go". Period. I wish I could be there for you.

[~Christina]

I agree with Dragonfly .. well put !

[zbmom]

Do they have any social services resources or anything that could offer you help? Or a day program where your kids could go while your boyfriend is at work? Like even a church bible camp or something? A temp daycare situation? There have to be some local agencies that could point you in the right direction, I know we have things like this in the US but I don't know how Canada's system works.

[Ryask]

you could call FCSS ( Family and community support services) in Canada even small towns have an office they have a respite program that offers child care at no cost to you, the number would be in the front of the phone book.

Thank you everyone for your support, advice and kind words. Seriously, the members on this site have got me through this really long tough episode, and I can't be thankful enough.

Dragonfly, you are so right. That is the pitfall of mental illness. My sister probably would have done that, I would have hated to ask because she just came back from out of province, caring for her mother in law, who recently was dx with hep c, and suffered a stoke last week, my sister is low income, and it's my downfall of not wanting to be a burden.

Ryask, We do have respite here, it is a foster home your kids are placed in. I dunno I am so uncomfortable with that. My kids haven't even had babysitters unless I knew them very well. I think if they were in respite and I was in hospital, I would be ten fold stressed worrying about them. However, this is a good reminder, if I am seriously no able to care for them. thanks.

The good news is, the increase in Zyprexa seems to be working for now. Yesterday I woke up feeling ok, Today I feel ok, I feel pretty normal actually, aside from feeling a bit Zyprexa'd. That's the thing with antipsychotics, how do you know if you are stable or just drugged out??

I don't know how comfortable I feel being on a high dose, but it seems to at least have my mood under control for now. When my Pdoc gets back, I think we are going to have to have a long talk about my meds.

Anyways that being said, it's been a very long bumpy ride, I have switched meds three times, and increased quite a few times, and I am very happy to have a few days of stability. I'm nervous to get ahead of myself, but today I am feeling pretty good.

Thank you guys sooo much!!!

[wing]

So glad you're feeling better, Anika!

[Sophia57]

Can you get help through social services? If you are in Canada, there should be some kind of service to help you with your kids, without losing them. You don't sound well, and you may need a different med or med combo. Hope you can get ahold of someone to take care of the kids.

[Ryask]

Originally Posted by Anika

Ryask, We do have respite here, it is a foster home your kids are placed in. I dunno I am so uncomfortable with that. My kids haven't even had babysitters unless I knew them very well. I think if they were in respite and I was in hospital, I would be ten fold stressed worrying about them. However, this is a good reminder, if I am seriously no able to care for them. thanks.

Yes it is a foster home for short term emergencies, one of the good things is Foster Parents all have extensive training to be a licensed child care provider, they all have and first aide/CPR and all members of the household (mom,dad, other children, grandparents, even uncle so and so who visits on weekends) are screened for criminal record, and welfare prior involvement which to be perfectly honest is a heck of alot more then anyone could expect from a normal babysitter. With that being said i absolutely feel that it's not the right choice for everyone, I'm really happy to hear your feeling a bit better, and hopefully if the situation arises again you will be able to make a choice that is more suitable for the care of your children. I just want you to know that there is this option for short term care should you be in desperate need. Best of luck!

Glad to hear you are feeling better, but you should still consider a program once your bf comes back & after you've talked to your pdoc. Perhaps it would be a good step to getting yourself fully stabilized, as well as a new medication/set of medications. While it's always an immense relief to be feeling good momentarily, it is never permanent & you need to make sure you have yourself 10 minutes from now in check at all times. The best of luck to you, Anika!!

[dejavu65]

Glad to hear that you are feeling better Anika.