Hi all,

I don't even know why I'm posting, this is just really bothering me.

When I had my first manic episode over a year ago, I was living with my aunt. After I was hospitalized, she told me she couldn't handle me living with her (very understandable). Anyway, I went back to my dad's place and left most of my stuff at my aunt's, promising that I would get my stuff back eventually.

Well, my aunt is moving somewhere else and asked if I wanted my stuff back. I said yes, so I went over for a visit and helped to load my stuff in the van. =/ And...it just made me feel such strong, negative emotions seeing stuff that reminded me of a time when I was so sick.

I was severely manic...with hallucinations, delusions, and paranoia. I hurt the people around me because they didn't understand what was going on. Just seeing stuff, especially old journal entries of manic ramblings...just made me feel so down.

I thought I was over this, but just having those negative memories flooding through me was overwhelming. I guess I could use some support right now, I feel so vulnerable. Being reminded of how ill I can be was so scary. I just want to be stable, and not remember the past! I know that's horrible to say because I should just accept myself as I am, but I'm just so down right now.

[Sophia57]

It sounds like the old stuff is a trigger that is sort of pulling you back in time to when all those terrible things happen. It is going to take a long time to heal from that phase of your life.

But I would focus on the positive and the fact that you have recovered. Look at those old things as part of the old life, but that you have moved on. And don't be afraid to use them. They are just things. You don't have to let them trigger them. Use them, don't let them use you. And hugs!

[hoosiergrad]

I feel as though I can really relate to what you said. You need to take stock in how far you have come and what this means in your recovery from mania. I have a family history of the disease and when I think back to similarities with my cousin (currently untreated, self-medicated, and involved in an unhealthy marriage) and when she attempted suicide or was manic, I get a real chill and feel guilty. You just have to realize how far you have come, though.

*hugs*

Thank you for responding, Sophia57 & hoosiergrad. It means a lot to me.

I guess I was just used to trying to ignore what happened in my worst manic episode, trying to shut it out of my mind. Now that I have all these triggering things staring me in the face, I'll have to go through them and try to put a positive spin on it. Yes, I was sick, but I have been stable for almost 3 months and I'm doing pretty good! It'll be a slow process though, maybe I'll just sort through a small amount each day instead of all of it at once.

That sounds like a good idea, just go slow an be gentle with yourself. And don't let it trick you out of how well you have done. Also, I liked how understanding you seemed of your Aunt and her choice to have you move out with your dad. I didn't detect any bitterness in what you wrote, and that is also something to be proud of, especially when you were going through such a bad time.

There have been many many manias for me that if I really think about scare the heck out of me, but as time goes by some of it becomes a distant memory. But I understand what you mean about triggering, I feel that way whenever I have to go to the hospital for other reasons, and so does my boyfriend.

My wish for you is that you stay on this road to recovery, and that you feel very proud of the work you have done to get there.