[Miss Laura]

Hey guys,

I am just wanting to ask...

Do you surpress your moods/feelings/Bipolar from others and for your own sanity?

I kinda do this most of the time so as no one asks questions. I don't want people to ask me how I am all the time as I feel a burden on people. If I am seriously manic or seriously depressed I will eventually tell someone. But I just can't. When I see my CPN I can't even be me in front of him. I surpress it all and he commented that I am never manic when he sees me.... do you think he thinks I am not Bipolar? My Psych said yesterday that although I have "normal" mood and I write "normal" like this he said that is good and that is actually what he would hope for since I take medication.

What are your thoughts? Do you surpress your moods/feelings/Bipolar?

[SunAngel]

I have a difficult time hiding my BP, but I try harder than hell. When I was living home with my mom, she left me emotionally when I got sick, so I learned to hide things from her.

However, I always had a bad feeling in the pit of my stomach, and my illnesses came out in other ways. I started to get panic attacks, my OCD went into overdrive and I developed anorexia.

After I moved in with my fiance (my current husband), the feeling in the pit of my stomach left, and now whenever I get that feeling in the pit of my stomach, it is an indication that something just isn't right, and I use it as a tool to change the things that are causing it.

If I want to hide my bp from anyone, I just become very quite and do not talk to anyone.

[Miss Laura]

Thanks SunAngel,

I have always hid how I am really feeling from everyone as I never wanted to admit there was a problem/issue. I have always been like this. But recently when I have really needed to talk to people I haven't been able to as in RL I am much much quieter. I am finding I can express myself on here no problems at all but in RL I am struggling. Most people in my life... family/friends/cpn/psych/gp and support workers don't know the half of it as I just can't tell them.

It's really frustrating. I had Psych yesterday and I felt really anxious telling him I have missed my meds and my GP thinks maybe I should change my meds. He has said no and to stick to my current meds. He has gotten me into trouble for missing meds I wish I could just say what I what to say when I see/speak to people. But I have to hide it all. When I have my CPN session I always am itching to get up and wander around his room but instead I sit there and fidget and squirm and well am very uncomfortable.

Anyways just rambling now sorry!!

[Tsunamisurfer]

Originally Posted by Miss Laura

What are your thoughts? Do you surpress your moods/feelings/Bipolar?

Yup.
Sometimes they are easier to hide than others.
At times I think I'm doing a good job of it, then learn later that someone thought I was weird. I have been so out of it lately that my entire community knows now, and that doesn't help with the creepy feelings of being watched.

Stay cool as long as you can.

I used to do suppress and hide it all the time. Eventually I got myself into some trouble mood wise. I ended up having a talk with my last Pdoc about this. I used to talk him out of hospitalizations when I really needed to go. I was never upfront with how about how I was doing. I told him all this and I told him this was bad because I was putting myself at risk. Especially when I have been really suicidal. I always felt too ashamed to admit it. My Pdoc wasn't surprised given my history of anorexia, he said I was probably a good hider because of the anorexia. Makes sense.

I have a new Pdoc now, and I have made sure I do not continue the hiding pattern, even if I feel uncomfortable. He can't really help me if he hasn't a clue what I am dealing with.

(((Miss.Laura)))
You have nothing to be ashamed of, especially when it comes to your mental health support team. I used to try and tell myself "imagine what they have heard, they have heard everything". I know what you mean about feeling like a burden, that's something I am working on myself.

[SunAngel]

Laura, I also had certain aspects of my life with my therapist and my pdoc because I feel they dont' know need to know everything about me or my personal life.

There are things that I just want to keep personal for me only.

[Trippin2.0]

I've always supressed my sympt0ms, long before i was ever dxd. *I'm obsessed with appearing alright* idk why...

[Miss Laura]

Thanks guys,

So I am really not alone.... phew!!!

I feel awful sometimes about keeping it all a secret. Yesterday after my Psych app I always walk home so when I got home my Mum asked me if my Psych thought I was better etc? Now granted she knows I have Bipolar and that Bipolar has no cure how I can be better I do not know lol. I said I guess and that was it. She asked me again later and I said I had already said he didn't say much. I know I should tell her. But I feel like well I am an adult although I am still living with her she doesn't need to know all of my life.

I get embarrassed when talking to my Support Workers about things and like you said Anika they have heard and seen everything if not worse than what I am going to be telling them. My CPN just would think I was even more crazy if I just got up and started walking around the box room we sit in for our session. I hate it as deep inside I am itching to get out and scream and outside I am calm and collective. Grrr!!

I guess this has always been my life.... hurting and hiding it all don't know how to change well I do but I don't know how to get started

[Miss Laura]

Trippin.... Me too!!!!!

[Tsunamisurfer]

Originally Posted by Miss Laura

What are your thoughts? Do you surpress your moods/feelings/Bipolar?

Disclosure aside, I find it impossible to suppress my moods and feelings. Outwardly we can choose (mostly) what we want to show or tell people, but inwardly I don't think we can do a good job of suppressing the pain, frustration and chaos we experience.

During the lifecycle of Bipolar, I think we all go through the unmedicated stage where we try to cope and just pull ourselves together, yet things escalate to a point where we find ourselves asking for (or being commanded) medical assistance to bring it under control. I think medicating the disorder is the closest thing to suppressing it I have ever done.

[Merlin]

I have done the same, and I won't deny it, though I try not to. My pdoc would rather know that I am skipping meds and having severe symptoms than be notified that I am in the hospital and have not seen it coming. Although, I still hide minor symptoms from my friends and family as I don't want our relationships to be about my bipolar. And even why I do describe the symptoms, I don't choose to attribute them to the bipolar. Everyone has bad day and difficulty sleeping at times. If they ask about the bipolar, I won't lie, but I won't always bring it up.

[Miss Laura]

Thanks guys,

I know Tsunamisurfer I don't know how my parents haven't sussed out when I am manic as I will be all over the place but I won't tell them. I guess it's a trick I have where I will be like "ye I am fine" and that's it. "Ye I am fine" is my trade mark..... my Support Workers commented on that and said from now on I have to be completely honest with them... but that they will constantly ask me until I tell them what I am feeling. I know I need my meds.... I just have the mentality of I am better which my Psych said is actually a sign that my meds are working as I feel I am better.... I am a bit like okay!!

Miss.Laura, if you did get up and start wandering around the room, would they think you were weird, or would thy maybe think you were anxious or agitated? I think a good place to start might be on challenging your thoughts on this. I know that is where I had to start. It hard to challenge our selves and our thoughts, beliefs. But it sounds like your halfway there already!

[Miss Laura]

Thanks Anika,

I have my session with CPN in 2 weeks so I will see what happens. It's just really scary and its the uncertainty of what he will think or what I will think.... too much to think about it I think

[catrules]

I hide my stuff a lot too. I did such a good job at it for so many years, now that I am being treated, it is easy to fall back into the I'm fine routine. I try really hard not to do this with pdoc or therapist, but I do it with friends and with my husband. I always feel like if I say something different, people will get upset, and I try to avoid that at all costs. I am a pleaser after all.

[zbmom]

I've been hiding my moods and issues for years now. I didn't know I was bipolar until recently but I've always known something was wrong and it's been important to me to appear "normal". I grew up in a household where we weren't allowed to express our negative emotions and we were constantly invalidated in our feelings so I have major issues with showing emotion in front of others and appearing "weak". I try so hard to keep up appearances at work and with acquaintances and everything. It's hard and exhausting. I do tell my t the truth about how I'm feeling though and I'm trying to be more open with my husband but it's hard. I've been in a nasty depression for so long it's very frustrating.

[Sophia57]

I suppress my bipolar from myself, forget about the rest of the world. My daughter likes to point out my symptoms and my father who is ill, tells me I talk too fast. I did say tell him pressured speech was a symptom of bipolar. (My family knows, of course)

I don't tell anyone except my closest friends and they just think I am remarkably affective and outgoing. Works for me. I have been mostly unmedicated for 6 years, because of med side effects and mostly stable. But it does slip out, but most people don't know enough about the disorder to understand. I feel this is the way God made me, and he is the one that needs to know the most. Right?

[Miss Laura]

Thanks Zbmom and Sophia57,

I use to never show my emotions infront of people and very rarely did let my guard down when I was in the company of people. But since Depression took over my world in 2009 I can not stop my emotions no matter what. I cry at everything no matter how little it is.

I find it hard when people notice my "sympotms" to not just laugh it off. I tend to do this. Example... I diddle my right leg if I am manic/anxious/nervous and my old manager would point that out. My Depression Support Group Leader pointed it out once and my CPN points it out too. My Mum ironically has pointed it out but its a normal thing for me to do when I am with the family as I have always done this.

Funny thing today... We (my parents and I) have just re-decorated my Sister's bedroom as a wee surprise to her while she is away. We have just got her DVD's sorted but I HAD to make sure they were in alaphabetical order. I don't think my Mum has clicked how bad my OCD is at times. She gave me funny looks and then she was telling my Dad about it and they were both laughing... not in a mean way btw!! I think cause my handwashing has calmed down they may have forgotten all about my OCD. Sorry this was off topic just thought I would share

[Dani (bipolar type]

type 1,ive always suppressed my bipolar,but when im in my manic phase people notice that somethings wrong.even when i was in front of my doctor and tried to act as normal as i can he still diagnosed me and said im psychotic,my mom know that im bipolar,and i told her i didnt wanna eat,and she told me to suck that **** up and it mad me cry ,i guess the moral to the story is that as hard as i try to suppress my bipolar people still see right threw me like glass

[palemoss]

i never tell people i am bipolar, bulimic, and borderline. it's just too crazy for people to hear, and it is !! hahaha. sometimes i will allude to having manic periods if i am hanging out with artists/musician types. but most of the time, i keep things to myself unless i am feeling depressed. i find that more people are open to hearing about depression than anything else because they have experienced some degree of it themselves.

[Hydrophobic1212]

I suppress my manic episodes for sure. At least, when I'm at work. At school, sometimes I do but it's easier to just be like 'I've got people here who know I've got this going on, so I'm going to let it happen'. But yes, I do suppress it. My irritability and depression, however... It's really hard to ignore. For work, I try my best... But I do suppress it. Not when I'm at home, though, unless I want everyone to think I'm okay at the moment but even then, my family can pick up on the fact that I'm not okay at the moment.

Interesting subject matter, this.

Miss Laura,

I was thinking about this this morning for some reason. About the feeling the need to get up and walk around. Probably because I am very restless and pacy right now. But I was thinking if your verbalized it to them instead of just getting up and walking around. Like maybe saying " you know, I just really feel like I need to walk around, it is really hard for me to just sit still right now". Then you don't have to walk around, but you verbalizing your discomfort to them might help you feel less like you actually need to walk. Or they might just say " oh well then don;t feel like you must just sit. I dunno, I was just thinking I might try that at my app.

Hope you are feeling better.

[Miss Laura]

Hey Hydrophobic1212,

Lol thanks.... just questions popping into my head so I think it's best to ask than sit and think your the only one who is like that. Nice to know other's are similar

Hey Anika,

Thanks.... ye I might try it next time I have that urge to "walk" around. I just hope my CPN doesn't look at me and think I am worse off being as I have never done it before lol

[MissMay1977]

It is impossible for me to hide the way I am feeling. If I am depressed- it shows and if I am manic- it shows. The only time I try to suppress my bipolar episodes is at work.

If it were possible to hide, believe me, I would try. I always wind up expressing it somehow, usually through anger, whether I am depressed or manic. Most people who have been close to me I have confided my condition in so they don't think I'm some kind of asshole, but... That's bitten me in the *** more than just a couple of times. But those people you don't really need in your life anyway