swirling around the drain again. bad news hit me and i was on the floor before i could catch myself. i feel no hope, nothing to hold on to..too lonely and too scared to help myself. no life preservers in sight. just the island and me.

You want to talk about that bad news? Maybe we could help. At least we can listen.

We are here for you Pat! You are not alone. Lean on us.

one thing is Christmas. my daughter decided today to go to Austin to spend Christmas with friends. this is the first year in three, due to bipolarII, that i've anticipated Christmas with joy. i'll be alone. i am so hurt and devastated over it.

new $$ problems. big ones.

loneliness that just seized me today and knocked me down. the Christmas thing precipitated it. i will not ask friends if i can join them. i have a thing about that.

i want a companion.

i don't know what to do about school. there are NO jobs here for substance abuse counselors. except at the prison and i'm seriously thinking about that. it's medium security and that means murderers, rapists, pedophiles, etc. 60 in a group at one time. how could you counself anyone?

i'm just swrling around the drain and don't see much that is going to catch me.

[Lexicon78]

hang in there. We're all here for you!

((((( Pat )))))

Petunia

Lee Ann and I have been PMing and I may just throw caution to the wind and move right away to Austin, Texas. in for a penny, in for a pound. i cannot survive here. i just can't. i hate this freaking town.

My dear friend,

If you think and feel it is better for you to move, well go ahead. Let me tell you something if I would have an opportunity to move with no children to stop me I would not even think twice about it.

If you are not happy where you are Pat, just move. You will find a job there. I know you will, you are very smart.

You might meet new friends, a companion.

I love you my friend. I want the best for you.

PAT

[BlueFaith]

Pat, I'm sorry things are so hard. I wish I had some good advice. I hope things get better for you soon...

[DaveyJones]

I vote for an immediate move, if possible...sometimes you just have to get a new start, leave all the old poisonous stuff behind.

You know we're behind ya!!!



Thanks for being you!

DJ

[Azalysa]

{{{{{{{Pat}}}}}}}

I'm thinking the move sounds like a very positive thing too.

[bipolar_bear]

((((((((((((fayerody)))))))))))))))))))) I am sorry you are in a position to make such a hard decision. Is it possible for you to research jobs in Austin prior to making the plunge? Maybe you can have one all lined up by the time you get there. Austin is a very pretty city; one you would hopefully enjoy.

A couple Christmas's I was alone and can understand your sadness and hurt that whom you love so dearly can not be with you. It can be such a lonely time if this happens.

I am sorry you even have to make that choice and whatever you decide will be the right one for you. Please take care of yourself. If you need someone to talk to over the holidays please feel free to contact me.

tears flowing. thank you all so much.

i am going down, after Christmas, to research the job market. it looks as if i might be able to work in the State Hospital. i talked to a lady there and she wants me to come down for an interview. it would be shift work, but as crazy as it sounds, i like that. i would get three days off in a row every two weeks and that would give me time to do my other stuff. i also have a friend there who is very good with woodworking and we are talking about starting my garden furniture line back up. and the photos will work there. i have a series ready for a gay bookstore. seriously, i do. cowboys. (i have their PERMISSION)

i have many gay friends in Austin and they are all jumping up and down over this.

so, i'm feeling much, much better about picking up and doing it. the clearing out of the possessions has to come immediately. that will probably pay for the move. i'm taking nothing but two beds, a photo storage chest, a cabinet that my dad built, tv, stereo, and the animals. i'll buy the rest when i get there. no need in making this any harder than it needs to be. thrift stores in Austin are like a Foley's would be here.

now, if i can just get through Christmas day. i got a Christmas card from my sister today saying "in our hearts, let's sit down together and have a cup of coffee Christmas morning"....keep those thoughts coming, friends. xoxox pat

[dottie]

I hope things work out for you!

thanks, dottie. so far today has gone well. i've wrapped one gift. and watched figure skating. go figure how that goes together.

[darkeyes]

I agree with "time0" 100%.
There is advantages of being on your own, when it comes to job and/or location changes. I've experienced both,when there aren't any little kids involved, that is a huge less of a stressor, not having the worry of school enrollment and finding a good pediatrician, finding a good group of new doctors was scary, especially having to move to a different state,having a baby and not knowing where things are, the neighbors, etc. So this may help you a bit when and if you move.
If you feel you want to move and are able to, I'd suggest to.
I know what it is like to have to live in a place and/or town that you just hate, I had for 12 yrs. due to circumstances. I wish you lots of luck and love.
Sincerely,
DE


((((((((((((( Pat ))))))))))))))))

[darkeyes]

Sounds great, to be moving to a place where your friends are, and the job opportunity sounds great too!
Shifts, can be a cool change of the typical work week, so hey, give it a go.
I'll be "rooting" for all these new changes for you, and sending you some "positive energies".

Take care now,
DE

awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, you guys.........thanks...i got a new furnace today!

[Azalysa]

Heya Pat!!

Woot! Sounds like you're pulling some things together, including contact about a job!! You rock girl!!

Actually, I've been giving serious thought to paring my possessions down to the bare minimum and moving a bit closer to my Mother. (I'm only about 45 minutes away now but being like 10-15 minutes away would be helpful as she is my only support when I am ill.) She loves to cook and says often "If you just lived close enough so you could stop by for dinner after work."

And I hate my current job, so don't mind at all looking for something different.

I said all that to say that I'll be rooting for your move and perhaps I can be strong enough soon to do something similar!!!

azalysa, if i can do this........so can you! i'm definitely old enough to be your mother and if this old body can get to Austin, you can move 30 minutes away.

[wi_fighter]

I have an open-ended job offer in Austin, Texas, USA

In case this slipped your mind. I couldn't bump it to the top. It's too old.

ASAP, i'm going to Austin for three interviews. and that is one of them. thanks for the reminder though. when you're nuts, things tend to fall through the cracks. the baby is due any day and i intend to tell my boss that i want three days off. or a week. whatever it takes to spend time with Connie and Bella and baby and do furious driving between the interviews. i got an Austin "style" haircut...spikey and wild looking. i have the right clothes ready. i'm just trying to get through the week and finish the christmas framing jobs. i'm getting a little more $ from NM and it will provide a big cushion for rent, deposits and such. will try to trade truck for little cute car. (it has to be cute)

speaking of clothes, i know you have an idea of how tickled i'll be to get back into my loose linens and cool tees. i wear jeans and old tee shirts to work here. i do wear my "bob" shirt occasionally and one day i wore my "ross perot for president" shirt. speaking of bob, bill (who is in China) is back. sent a ring from a street market in Peking. i think he thinks that rings are my weakness and they aren't. but it is the thought that counts, right? he sent a song that said the more you turn your back on me, the more i want to see your face, etc. etc. etc. it'll take more than that for me to turn around.