Blaming BP or Using BP as an Excuse

I often find people asking me why I do the "crazy" things that I do or act in the manner I do. I tell them its because of chemical inbalances in my brain a.k.a bipolar disorder. Even people that know about it, like my mother just this weekend, say "don't blame it on that" or "you're just using that as an excuse/crutch."
This infuriates me to no end. Does anyone else have this issue? And if so, what are some good ways to convince people that you literally cannot help some of the ways you act or decisions you make.

I can see it from both sides. I don't know how recently your were diagnosed or how much treatment you have had including meds and/or therapy, but it gets to the point where friends and family believe that you should have the coping and behavioural skills necessary. Sometimes a sorry will go a long way to. Apologize for the negative effects a symptom has on others. If/when the person acts why you did or didn't do the something then bringing up the disorder is reasonable, but, if you are able, explain what help you are getting or how you intend to prevent the offensive behaviours. If you believe you cannot prevent the behaviour to may wish to bring your mother or other friend or family member to bipolar education either with your T/pdoc or through another organization.

I was diagnosed 2 years ago, am on depakote with risperdol as a back-up, and have psychotherapy ever 3-4 months. I do try to aplogize, had to do it this weekend with my uncle. My alcholism doesn't help matters in the poor decision making department.

I used to do insane things & get incredibly furious at everyone around me, but I never told people, so they all just thought I was an asshole. I'd prefer being called that than being discredited due to what's going on in my head.
But right now, I actually have the opposite of your problem. I go out of my mind & my boyfriend is incredibly understanding, but for some reason I have a hard time accepting it. Feeling like I should be taking a lot more accountibility for causing stress & confusion as a result of my behaviour... Perhaps, being untreated, that is too much of an expectation of me? I just prefer to be independent & responsible for myself, even the stupid things I do.
I wish I knew what to tell you. But honestly, the only thing I know how to do with people who don't accept me is just leave them to the wayside. If they don't want to accept me or if they have a problem with me that they harbor, I don't see a reason to keep bothering them with it or wasting my time with trying to convince them that I'm not a POS due to my diagnosis.
I hope you feel relief soon, as well as hopefully getting your alcoholism under control so you can think clearer... Isn't it bad to drink with anticonvulsants? I know I took a shot after having Neurontin in my system 6 hours prior & I still felt incredibly woozy/disoriented. Take care of yourself.

There are a couple of books on being in a relationship with Bipolar that I took out of the library and it may be worth referring someone to them, even providing a loan of the book.

Loving Someone With Bipolar Disorder

Living With Someone Who Is Living With Bipolar

These were the two that I found at my library.

BP shouldn't be an excuse. You are adult and I suppose you want to be treated as one... freedom comes with responsibities.

also, I believe that once you accept the "chemical imbalance made me do it" excuse... it becomes harder to control yourself. You can practice selfcontrol.

I agree with Venus. BP decreased impulse control may mean you do inappropriate things. However, you can learn how to intervene before you do the things. You are always responsible for what you do even if you are in an episode. Bipolar is not an excuse.

I feel you on this one. There are things i do that i dont realize i am doing and i can't always help it. To me it feels the same as when your horribly suicidal depressed and someone says "oh just be happy go outside and excersize"... I mean...who would chose this life? If i could make myself happy i would have done so..and if i could control all of my actions/thoughts etc. well then i wouldn't have bi-polar would i.

I definitely agree with you that people see only how the person acts and just relates it to personality.

However, some of what comes out is due to personality and how you handle things.

Everyone has a unique personality. If everything was due to BP disorder, we would all be the same, and we are not.

However, if symptoms are going on, I hate the fact that people think it is part of my personality, when indeed, it is from the depression or the mania that is messing with me, along with mixed cycles and rapid cycling.

I mostly agree with Venus and Anneinside about self-control, with a few extreme limited exceptions. I do agree that no matter if you were or were not in control that you are responsible for what you did and I feel that apologies and amends are most definitely in order with maybe an explanation but without any excuse that downplays behavior.

BP is hard for someone to understand when they don't have it, it can be hard understand when you do have it. Many can't fully comprehend what all happens during an episode since they don't have similar personal experiences that they can make the connection with. Or the person may make a connection with something they feel is similar, even though it's not, and then expect that since they are able function certain ways during that experience then a person with BP should also be able to function the same way during a episode. Asking someone without BP to fully understand what it is like having BP is like asking someone what it is like to be a victim of a violent crime when you weren't or what it is like to have your legs amputated while you still have them. People can guess, but only someone going through the experience knows. As we expect people to have patience in us for what we are dealing with, we have to have patience with them since they may only have our experiences to teach them and none of their own to learn from.

I agree its important to take preventative measures before you lose control (which you can lose during a severe manic and/or depressed episode). I know what things set me off and I can usually kind of tell when things are not right with my moods. However I believe that if the people around you (that love you) know that you have this problem, they know what may make things worse or things that trigger you and they have agreed to try to help you but then do things around you that you've already asked them not to then its hard to really feel responsible. My husband and I have gone through this every time I go way down. He'll tell me he'll try to do whatever will help and that he understands. But when I become extremely depressed he gets mad at me because sometimes I disrupt his plans, then if I become manic he starts calling me crazy and tells me to just stop freaking out and things like that, which I've already explained only make me feel worse. Then when I get worse and eventually either hurt myself or break something he takes no responsibility and says its all my fault and I'm doing it on purpose for attention.. etc. And I do apologize if I ever try to do something to him or break something of his, but when he takes no responsibility its hard to just not feel loved by him. He has a drinking problem so I have stopped drinking to help him.. but I feel like he won't help me with this. He almost seems to like making things worse..

Sounds like I need to do some soul searching and work on my self-control. The hardest part for me is when I'm about ready to commit some inappropriate behavior and my resposible side is telling me its a bad idea as my body is acting the way it wants to. I'm telling myself this isnt right, while I'm in the middle of doing it and no matter how strongly I beleive its wrong, I don't stop.
Could this be something more than just bi-polar? I've often wondered if there is another demon at work here.

It's certainly possible that it may be more than bipolar, but that is probably something you want to talk to your T about.

A prime example would be me verbally telling myself to slow down and that I'm driving too fast. My physical reaction would be to mash the gas pedal to the floor.

i believe humans have (all of them) some self-destructive mechanism installed in them.

we just need to recognize it and fight against it... not that i don't enjoy being irrational at times... but one has to know when they are crossing the line. I try not to do things that will harm others... for me that is matter of human decency... on the other hand, if it is just about me... that is my decision and i prefer if others don't tell me what to do. I sometimes need to feel danger... and as I say, I have to die of something. And i prefer not to die of boredom.

but it is about finding the balance... don't suppress yourself...but don't do things that will harm you too much in long term.

I don't talk about my bipolar except with my family and a few very close friends. I try not to use it as an excuse, but it can be hard, especially when I swing from being extremely depressed to manic (which can happen fast). I'm lucky to have a VERY understanding & caring family. They tend to know when my actions are related to bipolar or if it's just me being me.

A lot of it has to do with self-control. I know my limits. I stick to my meds & see my therapist every week.

If I do something stupid while I'm manic, like at work (which has happened a lot), then I just apologize and try to take a deep breath and control myself better. But I don't say: "I'm bipolar, I can't help it."

Such a provocative posting! I'm just 2 yrs into my dx, so this is one of the still-very-raw-issues with me.

I'm also alcoholic, but that bears the caveat that at some point drinking was a choice. I hear/read some discussion about "environmental factors" in BP, but am not sure what to make of that.

I guess for me it comes down to: Which approach benefits me most towards getting better? Assuming responsibility, or forgiving myself of responsibility?

That seems to frame the issue better for me, but I'm still unsure what the answer--even just for me--would me. Any feedback will be welcomed. To me this is a vital question.