The stability is over. After about 5 days of feeling really normal & adjusted & happy, my brain is simply overwhelmed. Mania in overdrive & I really cannot cope. I hate that it always goes from 0 to 60 in a heartbeat & I can't even have any fun with it or be productive! I just go from feeling normal or melancholy to flying so fast that I can't catch my breath, let alone think coherently. It's so aggravating. Not to mention the psychosis is back in full force. Every time the cycle starts over, it gets harder to deal with. *******. And I have this horrible migraine. I just feel like I am in this waking stupor. My thoughts aren't even racing-- They are just this unbearable pressure in my brain that is unable to be released. FML. : (

I know how you feel. All I know is to just hang on and not let go.

((((shayatanica))))

Can't post too much

[gma45]

Never can post to much! Hope things level out some for you!I wish I could release more of my feelingsI know I feel better when I do!

Thank you for the hugs, Anika. I know you're in the same boat more often than not. *hugs back*

Idk. Sometimes (AKA right now) I seriously worry that my BP isn't BP. My mania feels less like "happy happy joy joy" or high energy irritability & more like... Just a psychotic break. My moods are really only a backseat to feeling overwhelmed & falling grip to the delusions/hallucinations/paranoia. I'm not sure if it's just the paranoia talking, but... That's just what I'm starting to suspect. Maybe my lack of affect isn't from ASPD & maybe it's Schizophrenia. Like some relapsing-remitting type that mimics mood cycles. Grr. I just want it to end. My head feels so fuzzy & I am so overcome that I am out of energy. Every last bit is lent to maintaining my place in reality...

And thank you, gma45. : )

[SunAngel]

Hi Shay.

I am so sorry you are going through this. Are you on an antipsychotic? If you are, maybe it needs to be increased or you need a different one.

Another question, does your pdoc think you have schizophrenia? You may also have schizoaffective disorder, being both Bipolar with Schizophrenia traits.

I hope things settle down for you quickly.

Regarding getting out your thoughts and feelings, maybe write in a journal to how you are feeling. Sometimes that works for me. Idk, maybe give it a try.

Again, I am so sorry you are feeling this way. It must really suck.

[SunAngel]

And why do you feel like you are posting too much? That's what we are here for.

[~Christina]

Shay dont you dare worry about posting too much !

Im so sorry your feeling this way . As Sun said maybe you need a medication adjustment.. Just try to relax and be kind to yourself , Yes i know its hard

This site has honestly been a life saver to me ,, just being able to say how i really feel and what im going thru and NOT being judged is so important as most all of us feel so bad so often ,,,

Just hand in there
Wishing you some peace and love ~

SunAngel: No medications. No pdoc. Not even a therapist. Never have had any of those things, save for the clinic evaluation that determined I had BP. Never went back for treatment &, by the time I found transportation to go back, it was too late.
Hopefully my mother is paying for me to get my ID here in Puerto Rico (moved from Florida early this year) so perhaps I can get government-issued insurance & start getting taken care of. There aren't really any options for me until then. Mental health is very much a no man's land here, since evidently a lot of people use it as an excuse. Their physical health programmes are exceptional though, so go figure!
But until then, I'm pretty much just fighting this through on my own. My boyfriend is really supportive, I have PC, & I have started keeping a journal. It's just hard to express things I have a hard time describing. My thoughts are so confused by this point. :/
Thank you for being so helpful.

morethingswrong: Thank you so much for your input. PC has definitely been a bit of a blessing, personally. Until here, I had a very hard time going to anyone with what was plaguing me. Unfortunately, at the same time, as I joined here it's been the worst it has ever been. But I'm trying to do my best to relax. Thank you!

Yep. Starting to get that weird pulsing in my head again. My perception feels fuzzy & I'm having a hard time with coordinations. Hearing weird rumbling. Starting to feel very strangely. My visitor is back. Great.

MANIA & THE JOURNEY FROM OVERWHELMING PSYCHOSIS TO PURE BEAUTIFUL, BLISS.

Literally every second of yesterday from when I woke up at 10 until about 7:30pm consisted of a horrific panic attack & constant paranoia. Every noise was someone tracking my movements & spying on me. I was scared of my soon-to-be mother-in-law because I thought she was evil incarnate & wanted to pull me away from her son (though she really is a genuinely sweet lady to everyone, I was just afraid that her niceness was too good to be true & planned out specifically to target me). I've been checking for the past 2 days at a condo window relatively far away from me because I think they've somehow been spying on me. Even isbn numbers & other random numbers have been mocking me & I think they were placed there specifically to taunt me so I will realize what they're up to. It was literally the most paranoid I've ever been & I couldn't stop shaking or hyperventilating or being scared.

Today, however, has been a complete 180 degree turnaround! My boyfriend & I took a "mental health day" which essentially means exploiting our good-feeling mania to go out to eat, get ice cream, & buy some new videogames & hairdye since he got his paycheck. A little splurging, but nothing we couldn't afford. I've been feeling so good today. It just goes to show that it doesn't always last forever... Though those people in the condo across from me still kind of bother me a little, but at least it's not overwhelming. Night before last I was crawling on the floor in the dark so they couldn't see me. : /

[manicminer]

Very glad to hear you're feeling better.
I know the psychosis can't be oh so real. Even worse when you have guns around and start shooting at random things in the middle of the night. Or when it hits while driving. I've seen shadows in the road and thought they were holes. Started swerving violently to avoid them.
I get the migraines too. That's the only reason I have ever truely and sincerely hated my mother. She told me they were just "sick headaches" and to deal with them. when i got one while hospitalized, they gave me 2 shots each of imitrex and an anti-nausea medicine. they gave me a supply of immitrex and said i should have gone to the emergency room every time i had gotten one.
P.S. Post your little heart out

I've never had the imitrex shots, but I've taken the tablets before! It's really hit or miss if they help me. I have lupus & multiple sclerosis in my genetics, so I'm lucky I've only been hit with migraines/arthritis/minor nerve problems thus far!! I remember one time they gave me dalaudid & I literally started violently screaming because my blood pressure went so rapidly low from elevated due to pain. I've had to get a CT scan because they didn't know what sent me into the hospital with such severe headaches all the time. Blah!!

Thank you for your response! I just figured I'd leave an update since I haven't been as social (consistently, at least) since all of this **** started happening.