[ohlala]

I'm feeling better after several months of depression and have committed myself to getting out more and interacting/socializing a bit with people in my neighborhood. I feel like I'm ready and I'm taking it slow. I live in a very active community and there are things to do everyday (exercise classes, card playing, volunteer organizations, sports, etc.) if one so chooses. Anyway, I've made a few acquaintances with women in my age-group. So what I've noticed is just how far down the slope I've descended. These woman have nicely organized homes, stay busy with activities, seem balanced and happy. It's not like they're "superwomen" or anything, it's just that they seem to take things in stride and get on with it. Then I come home to see my "unfinished" projects, the things I've avoided and procrastinated about, the beautiful clothes in my messy closet which don't fit anymore since I've gained 25 lbs., etc. Then I start to feel guilty and angry about having BP and I start to lose a grip on my "improved functioning" because I feel like such a loser compared to these normal women who seem to function well. I've lost so much ground with this disease. Even though I'm feeling better it's like I'm behind the Eight Ball. It is so discouraging sometimes...

[BlackPup]

Give yourself some credit for what you have achieved. You have survived several months of depression, you live with the side effects of your medication and you are working towards recovery by starting new activities in your local community. You are a survivor of BP!!!! be proud of that. Don't forget to move with little steps... have a to do list of things to finish off around the house and work through them one by one. Reward yourself for your accomplishments. Don't compare yourself to other people because they don't have to live with the same struggles that you do. Also you don't know the struggles that they have - so don't assume that their lives are perfect... one of my friends has a beautiful house, but she is bordering on OCD and has to be like that or she gets stressed out.

[kaliope]

we are only going to drive ourselves mad if we focus on how much BP has taken from us. Its a fact, we can only feel as good as the thoughts that we have. the more good thoughts you are having the better you are going to feel about yourself. the better you feel, the more positive actions you are going to be able to take. so the more you do these activities in your community, the better you will feel and eventually you will probably find yourself coming home and taking steps to improve the quality of life in your home to match the feelings inside yourself. it may take time, but eventually it will happen. im finding i like things less cluttered, but there is no way i can tackle the clutter in my home all at once. but i can go thru all the old mail. i can get rid of garbage nick knacks vs real keepsakes at another time. donate purses i dont really need from the ones i really have a use for. same goes for shoes at another time. eventually my clutter will be managable and i will feel better about my home and less of a BP failure.

[gma45]

Ohlala, I seem to think the same way about myself sometimes. The road I have been down was so rocky and I am so behind. I would have been much better off if I had taken the easy street. It is what it is! We can't beat ourselves up over it. Blackpup and kaliope have some great ideas I think I will try myself....cleaning the clutter, and making a to do list etc...It's time I simplify my life so I may enjoy more finally!

[me_myself__I]

Originally Posted by ohlala

I'm feeling better after several months of depression and have committed myself to getting out more and interacting/socializing a bit with people in my neighborhood. I feel like I'm ready and I'm taking it slow. I live in a very active community and there are things to do everyday (exercise classes, card playing, volunteer organizations, sports, etc.) if one so chooses. Anyway, I've made a few acquaintances with women in my age-group. So what I've noticed is just how far down the slope I've descended. These woman have nicely organized homes, stay busy with activities, seem balanced and happy. It's not like they're "superwomen" or anything, it's just that they seem to take things in stride and get on with it. Then I come home to see my "unfinished" projects, the things I've avoided and procrastinated about, the beautiful clothes in my messy closet which don't fit anymore since I've gained 25 lbs., etc. Then I start to feel guilty and angry about having BP and I start to lose a grip on my "improved functioning" because I feel like such a loser compared to these normal women who seem to function well. I've lost so much ground with this disease. Even though I'm feeling better it's like I'm behind the Eight Ball. It is so discouraging sometimes...

ok if your behind the 8 ball, u got a pretty good chance of winning!

Nobody's perfect, and no matter the outside appearence, everyone has their problems. I can honestly say I do not know anyone who functions perfectly, even people who appear "normal" tend to have something going on 'behind the scenes'. Often when you go to people's houses, they have tidied because you are coming round, and often people will act happy - it doesn't mean they are: as they say, don't judge a book by it's cover. Nothing you've mentioned makes you a failure, and I'll bet that if you wanted to you could make a decent list of your life achievements.
Have a virtual cookie (or something else if you don't like cookies, it being virtual it's flexible lol).
*VIRTUAL COOKIE/INSERT ITEM HERE* Good luck feeling better!

[roads]

Dear ohlala,
Being a perennial student, I wanted to take a highlighter to all the above posts--so much wisdom! I don't know how long I've been bipolar, was just dx'd about 3 yrs ago, but I've been thought clinically depressed for 50 yrs & I've felt like I've been falling behind in life at least that long.
I have other health problems which also rob my energy, & I recently hired a wonderful young friend who I somehow knew would understand my need to help me clean out the clutter. I couldn't come on my healing quest with the house in the state it was in.
That was one of the best gifts I've given myself. She was a blessing, we became even closer, the place will be a true nest of comfort to return to, & I saved what energy I have for this journey.
Small steps? Tiny ones are to be celebrated, some days.
In my early days of alcohol recovery, my wonderful sponsor laughed away my terror at the thought of one entire day at a time, as AA counsels. "5 minutes," she would say. "You can call me then."
Thank god for small miracles too.
Hang in there, ohlala. Minutes build to years. Tiny steps lead to enormous journeys.
And we're here for the long haul. You too?

[ohlala]

Warning: Long post...

Thanks to all of you for your responses. I know what I have to do intellectually (one step at a time, baby steps, etc.) but I'm so pooped out psychologically. I have "re-invented" myself before but each time the task seems more challenging and more demanding. And it seems to take longer. Discouraging... I know I can't give up and just have to take it easy. And I really can't be sitting on "the pity pot". Even though I have a mental illness I have a few relatively minor physical problems, unlike others. I am not always grateful but I try to be. My psychologist pointed out that I have a wonderful support system in place, I just have to be proactive and use it.

I have a 24 y.o. daughter living 8 hrs. away who has a myriad of problems with finances, children, husband, employment, housing, transportation, health insurance, etc. Her situation is "critical" and she is calling me on a daily basis hysterical and seeking support and I am wrung out about that situation as well. It's not the 1st time. I can't offer solutions, (even though I drive myself batty trying to find them), only support, and it's difficult being supportive when it upsets me and makes me angry that her own poor decisions have resulted in her predicaments. She had every advantage I could provide (I mean a good education, stable environment, love, activities, etc.) and a beautiful life and she married a drug addict (now in his 2nd rehab) and has 2 children (2 yrs. and 6 mos.) both unplanned pregnancies. Throughout my life these situations with my daughter have been problematic. I did my best to raise her (was divorced when she was 2) as a single parent. Her biological father was the "Disneyland Dad" who would sweep in periodically but never lived close enough to be involved in the daily routine of raising her. Now he has washed his hands of her (again) and has basically disowned her. And he lives in the same city as her, just miles away. He has a "new life" with his son and wife. Doesn't want to be bothered...

Through the years I always find my daughter to be the central theme in my therapy sessions. Our relationship, (which has had it's share of estrangements), the stress I feel from her situation(s), the sadness I feel about the struggles and failures along the way. It has been pointed out to me that she is a main source of stress for me. I am currently working (in therapy) on "maintaining boundaries" but what to do when it is your only (adult) child and there are 2 innocent grandchildren involved in this mess? My husband (who was her step-father from age 5) is at the end of his rope with this. He is supportive of me and has truly empathized with her (providing financial help when needed) but he can't take watching me become distraught when I'm trying to recover from depression, etc.

Sorry for the long post. I don't expect responses. Just had to vent and take a deep breath and get ready to face tomorrow.

[roads]

I've lived your story in a slightly modified scenario, ohlala. In it, alcoholism was destroying the family, parents with an adult daughter.
I was the daughter.
I wouldn't go to AA because I didn't have a problem. They went to Al-Anon, because they knew they did: dealing with me. I know of no comparable group for your situation, but if there's an Al-Anon group in your area you & your husband (important that you both go) would I think pick up some tools & ideas from an open Al-Anon meeting.
It's a bit of a long shot for you, but I really thing the odds are in your favor of its helping. It saved my parent's sanity & marriage. It led to my getting help.

My heart and mind are pulled to my mother when I read your post. She's gone now, but I'll never forget all the pain I caused her. I'm so sorry for what you're going thru now. I have forgiven myself & feel that she has. I try to pass on what I have learned, tho.