I can't do this anymore

I'm a mess.
I'm the most depressed I think i've ever felt, I can't go on like this.
The only thing I can do to stop me doing stupid is staying in bed.
I was at work today and I fell apart, I know it's bad when I literally can't work thru it.
I've got work tomorrow but I'm not uP tO it. There starts the ever going circle. Once you've called in once I dont think u get better.
I can't get hold of my crisis line number.
If I can't cope now I never will.

What do you mean if you don't cope now you never will? You haven't been well lately from reading many of your posts. You need help and we all need help from time to time with our BP.

If you are that depressed you probably should not be going to work, just my opinion. Why keep marching on as if everything is just fine, when it is not? I know how hard it is to call off work, I've been on FMLA for 6 weeks do to a manic episode...it was so hard for me that I had my husband call my boss. However, in the grand scheme of things it was absolutely the right decision. I am much better and was able to deal with my illness without the stressors of working.

i dont have stressful job and i live with my parents and i cant deal with the stress, if i get this new job how on earth am i going to cope? i cant not take it, because the thought of being stuck where i am forever... well i couldnt cope with that either.

i cant see ever being stable for a consisten period of time

Depression talks a mean talk. It will pass but you may need a little help from your pdoc. Maybe you just need an adjustment. I haven't had a long period of stability since my diagnosis, but I am on disability. I'll start volunteering in a couple of weeks.

Depression causes negative thoughts- about you, your situation, hopelessness and helplessness....

Like BNLsmom said it will eventially pass.... however you need to take this one day at a time. To think you will NEVER be able to cope is future thinking and won't do you any good right now.

Staying in bed is okay for now. At the moment, it sounds like it's the best you can do to cope. Do you mean your crisis line number isn't answering? Is it out of service?

Can you reach your pdoc or a backup?

Listen to what everyone else is saying & stay in this day, this moment. You did do what you needed to do for the moment. Staying in bed today & tonight is okay, but try to get hold of pdoc or crisis line. Keep trying them.

Stay with now. Stay with PC. There are phone lines through this site too. You don't have to do this alone. You never have to fix tomorrow today.

And you can get better. Minute by minute & day by day.

widgets, if this is the most depressed you think you've ever felt, is there anything else going on?

For example, any relationship stuff? New stress with your folks? Are you taking your meds? Taking anything else, e.g. alcohol?

Anything?

No, not been drinking as i havent felt like going out and i cant drink on my own at home (luckily i associate drink with being social, unluckily i get wasted whenever i drink).
I did go to work today. but the slightest thing goes wrong and i'm in tears. I have the next 2 days off, seeing my EMDR therapist tomorrow, i am NOT doing EMDR, it makes me worse and i DO NOT want that.
while on a train, all i think is i want to be in front of the train. (i wont do it.)

Widgets, man do I know that feeling. I cross two tracks to get home from my therapist and on really bad days my urge is to turn right onto the tracks and wait there.

Projecting into the future is one of my issues as well. I often speak in forever, never, only. etc. I get very black and white sometimes. That's when I have to brush up on my DBT. Have you ever tried DBT? Hard work, but very useful.

i dont know what it is?

It is hard to describe DBT, but what I think it is modules that center on specific things like emotion regluation, I am blanking on the others. It is a group environment and it basically helps to point out the way you have been thinking and reacting to situations, and teaching you new, healthy ways to think and coping mechanisms. That is a very general description.

Ask your pdoc or your T about it (I forget if you have a T).

i dont really have a Pdoc, because its on the NHS, all appts are make by my care co-ordinator, and i rarely see the same psychiatrist twice.
THey meet me every now and then, read the notes give me new meds and be done with it.
i have a t but she is an mental health nurse who specialises in EMDR. Which is a type of therapy that is also hard to explain, it mainly for people with PTSD, but helps you store memories properly

Do you get to speak with your care co-ordinator? Maybe that person can be a resource for you and find different therapies that you think will work for you.

I see her on Friday, i text her saying i was hearing voices on monday and i dont think she believes me but i may be paranoid

I hope it goes well on Friday.

Me too, widgets. The fact that you've made it to now says a lot that's good about your coping, however difficult it is for you. I hope you can just stay in the moment as each day comes & that Friday will bring the beginnings of some new help.
Please let your counselor know all that you've related here this week, not just what's happening at the time of the appointment.
Does that sound right to you?