Feeling weird

Hello Everyone,

I've been feeling a bit weird these days. I had a bad depression in August and then hypomania, but then I was doing OK on Lamictal and Effexor. I know it's still early days, but although I feel sort of superficially OK, underneath there is still some kind of pain/void/hole/hopelessness. You know?

It seems to be so 'deep' somehow that it's like it's part of me. I can't envisage things being any other way, and have no concept of the future, or any hope, plans or goals. I feel like my life is sort of finished now (not sui at all though). At work I am rather breezy and cheery, but underneath I feel like I am messing everything up, and so inferior to my colleagues. I just try to get through the day because all I want to do (ever) is get home and be alone. I never want to see people or do things.

I saw pdoc yesterday and he said that things are not very positive (though not disastrous, which I agree with) but there are too many factors at play now for him to know if it is a full depression or if it's stress/depression triggered by work alone. He told me to do less work for the next two weeks (ha!), and he will decide at next appointment whether to increase the anti-depressant or not. He's not in favour of that due to risk of hypomania. I trust this guy and think he's an excellent pdoc - best I've ever had.

Anyway. I don't really know why I'm posting this. I'm grateful for a place where I can air my feelings with people who understand.

I find it disheartening that despite mood stabilisers and anti-depressants one is not always stable or un-depressed. Does anything help?? I suppose that the way to look at it is without these meds things might be a lot worse.

Wishing everyone a lovely weekend. I'll be chilling out and 'taking care of myself' - doctor's orders

Beebizzy

I'm in a similar position - in the midst of a major depressive episode - feels like everything is either falling apart or decaying. I feel like I'm missing some core part of myself, the part that wants to go on. I know the feeling of having a hole that seems to persist no matter what you throw into it.

My meds helped for a while, but now they're not helping any more - sorry I don't have any "magic bullet", but I'm down there with you.

Bee
It doesnt sound like your meds are working as effectively as they could be. My pdoc put me on haldol and it did the trick to stop the cycles completely. Before that I could totally identify with your state of mind. It is incredible the difference. I am now living in this state of limbo trying to figure out how to choose life and live joy after spending so many decades in hopelessness and pain. Its good that you have a pdoc that you believe in. Keep working with him and dont give up. it took over three years of experimenting to finally find the combo that worked for me. But it was worth it. Hang in there!

I'm in the boat with you. It is so great to know you have a great pdoc and you are working towards beating this low you are in currently. I'm in a limbo state right now and have an appt to see my pdoc on wed. My meds are no longer working either. I am also on Effexor 225 mg and 2 mg risperdal. I am feeling no motivation and agitated, anxious, racing thoughts all at the same time. I am going to ask my doctor about adding on lamictal to see if that may help with the depression and rapid cycling I am having. I hope you find a combo that works for you soon. huggs

Hi there,
I know it's frustrating to not feel stable or happy. Medications do at times need to be tweaked, then take some time to stabilize your mood. I have said before on this forum and will say again that "mindfulness" training will help your condition greatly. Another words staying in the "present moment". There is a ton of info on the internet re: how to do it, if you're unfamiliar. Also, youtube has video clips of gurus teaching how to be "in the now".

Thanks so much everyone for the tips and support.

Not feeling so fab today either. Can't sleep for long despite trazodone. Saw T this morning and she also says I need to accept this 'condition' (and a lot of other things) - not in a defeatist way, but in the sense that I need to stop thinking I'm inventing things, or that I should make more effort, and work on getting through it etc.

It's my birthday today and my mother will call me later. I haven't told my parents anything about all of this, so I'll need to 'act' and I really don't want to talk to anyone or do anything. Sigh.

Enough moaning from me I hope everyone is having a good weekend.

Beebizzy

I feel for you I'm painfully low myself right now I think I might need a trip to the hospital for a med change my self

Gosh good luck to you d69j - sorry you feel so bad and wishing you the best and a speedy come-back.